Sweet Like Honey

26. 26

26

Honey

A s I stood in The Honey Pot, chewing my manicured nails down to their cuticles, I wondered if inviting the Kimberley Sparks to a place as humble as Gumtree Valley was one of the worst decisions I could have made in my life. Ellie-May and I were still trying to work out how to feel about her sharp and abrupt Brooklyn mouth, and the two of us liked to imagine we had sort of thick skin. I don’t think I’d taken a proper breath since the American started talking to the cluster of sweet and excited women in my bookstore. I kind of felt like a parent, sending their child off to school for the first time and peeking through the fence to make sure they were okay.

Kimberley Sparks, I was beginning to discover, was a tricky woman to decipher. A tough New Yorker on the outside, a fit body wrapped in tight dresses and a savage mouth to match. But when Ellie-May and I had dropped her off at the B&B she would be staying at on the edge of town, I hadn’t missed the smallest flicker of fear in her eyes when we’d waved goodbye. I wondered if this woman, who lived a life surrounded by busy city life and a full schedule, was afraid of having some quiet time. Then there was an absolute chunk of an engagement ring on her left ring finger but she’d never uttered a single word about having a fiancé. In fact, when I thought of the author acknowledgements at the backs of her books, it was very rare she gave any insight to her personal life at all. Her social media, most likely run by the same person who’d sent Ellie-May and I that imposter email, kept it strictly business.

I could understand her want for privacy from her personal life, but it felt like something else—a mask. Maybe it was having empathy from being judged my entire life, but something told me the Kimberley Sparks who scribbled signatures inside the covers of her books in front of me wasn’t the true her. The tight dresses, fierce heels and sassy personality felt like a facade.

Someone who wrote with as much heart and soul as she did simply couldn’t be a heartless person.

‘Oh, love, isn’t this exciting?’ Mrs Bickering sidled up next to me, her signed book clutched tightly to her chest.

I snapped my eyes away and looked down at the petite elderly woman donning her Sunday best. ‘It is, isn’t it?’

Her little eyes looked around before she tugged me away from the crowd. ‘How did you find her?’

I couldn’t help but crack a grin. ‘Like a New Yorker.’

Mrs Bickering gave a loud sigh of relief. ‘I was worried it was me.’

I knew the author’s serious and direct personality was going to throw them a bit. Everyone around Gumtree Valley didn’t take life too seriously, so when the women had started rounds of dirty jokes—much to Kimberley’s displeasure—Ellie-May and I had shrivelled with second hand embarrassment. Although I could sympathise with Kimberley. God knows her books were the butt of dirty jokes and memes on the internet. While we’d gathered around eating biscuits and drinking tea—or coffee for our American friend—Kimberley had voiced her frustration at not being taken as a serious author. Apparently, the raunchy sex scenes in her books showed the connections between characters and they most definitely weren’t thrown in because sex sells. But how could someone take the image of her main character strung up in a sex swing seriously? Then when she spoke about her religious parents practically disowning her once the books hit publication … smiling mouths shrivelled like cat arseholes. It made me wish we had booked Thunder From Down Under to lighten the mood a bit … once Kimberley had left town, of course.

***

It was an hour later when I ushered out the final ladies and snipped the lock on the front door. I made my way over to Kimberley, wringing my hands nervously, as she stacked up the remaining copies of her books. Which, considering each customer we had tonight had also taken copies for their female relatives … wasn’t many.

‘I’m sorry if they were a bit much,’ I blurted.

Kimberley’s eyes, decorated with perfect straight lines of winged eyeliner, snapped up to me. ‘I’m used to it.’

I slapped my hands against my thighs in a beat. This was more stilted than the car journey home. Britney had definitely not made an appearance. ‘Well, I’m very grateful for you coming.’

She shrugged. ‘It was a good opportunity for research.’

I bristled. ‘And to meet your fans.’

Her megawatt smile was false as she slid her handbag over her shoulder. ‘Right.’ She made her way around the table I’d set up and I became protective when her eyes looked around my store. Ellie-May came to stand next to me. ‘Where does one go for a drink?’

It wasn’t a good sign that she was craving a drink. ‘Oh, there’s the local pub, Tailgates. Everyone goes there. Well, it’s the only place to go.’

Kimberley blinked. ‘A … pub?’

Ellie-May grinned. ‘They do a mean chicken parmi.’

The author didn’t look any less clueless. We needed an American interpreter. I hated the way Colton’s grinning face filled my mind. And how the thought of his grin made my heart skitter like an anxious horse. I thought of the little tree I’d trekked up to water this morning before the heat sucked it dry. A new leaf had sprouted.

‘We can take you, if you like. The pub is where Australian culture is on display,’ I chuckled, but Kimberley only gave a tight smile. Ellie-May rolled her eyes behind her back. ‘Well, come on then. It’s the weekend so we better get in before the rush.’

As per every Saturday night, the pub was jam-packed. Ellie-May, Kimberley and I were in one of the booths along the wall decorated with number plates. Kimberley had begun clicking away photos of it as soon as we’d sat down.

‘For my mood boards,’ she’d explained. It was the first time she’d initiated a conversation. ‘I’m a visual writer. I need to see the scenery I write.’

The footy team was playing their weekly game of pool and without Colton around, I could only assume there’d be no fighting. I didn’t miss the absence of Josh Braxton. Colton was yet to reveal what the fight had been about and I wondered if he ever would come clean. He was protecting me from something, that much I knew. The older couples were already tucking into their meals and would be walking out when the party crowds walked in. There was loud and constant chatter all around … except for table twenty-six.

Our table.

Ellie-May gave me a look which screamed kill me before taking a large chug of her beer. I stirred the ice around my lemonade. Kimberley was already on her second glass of red and tapping away on her phone, most likely ripping her agent a new one for sending her here. This was not how I imagined her visit going at all. I imagined the three of us having in-depth bookish conversations and joking about how we prayed fictional men might someday come to life. Everything I’d put onto my colour co-ordinated and time accurate spreadsheet looked to be going to waste.

I cleared my throat and scooted closer to the table, making the cushioned bench I sat on sigh. ‘So, Kimberley. What did you think of the itinerary I gave you?’

She barely glanced up from her phone. Ellie-May threw back the rest of her drink. ‘Oh, um. It was cute.’

I ground my molars. I’d worked my arse off on that thing, ensuring she got the best experience from Gumtree Valley for her research, and all she could say was cute ? ‘Well it starts tomorrow. We’ll be at your cabin at eight-thirty am sharp for a day of adventure!’

Kimberley neglected her phone to look between Ellie-May and I with alarmed eyes. It was the most emotion I’d seen emitted from her. ‘Oh, you’re serious ?’

‘Well, yeah,’ said Ellie-May drolly. ‘Honey put a lot of effort into that thing so you could write the best book of your life.’

‘Oh.’ The author went back to texting with a shrug of slim shoulders. ‘I just thought it was a gimmick to impress me.’

Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any worse, I held in a groan when three blokes walked in. Riley was chatting animatedly to Colton behind him, who was holding the door open for a trailing Beau. I hadn’t seen the two brothers out and about together since our younger days. Had their feud faded while my relationship with Beau dwindled? My breath automatically hitched when out of all the people in the pub, Colton’s eyes found me first. As did Beau’s. We were sitting at the booth near the counter, so when all three of them headed in our direction, my heart was thumping in my chest. Keep walking, Colton! My prayers were answered when he and Riley continued to the bar, but I didn’t miss his smouldering gaze linger on me when I stood to greet Beau.

Once upon a time, our arms would’ve snaked around each other’s waists and our lips would’ve met in a sensual but polite kiss. Tonight, we were like two awkward teenagers thrust together in a game of spin the bottle. The toes of our boots crashed into each other and when Beau lowered his head, instead of our mouths touching, my forehead collided into the rough stubble of his chin. My entire body burnt with embarrassment and I felt like all of Tailgates was watching on with curious gazes as I scrambled back. Beau’s hands were shoved into the pockets of his jeans, his large shoulders hunched as if trying to shield himself from the prying eyes.

‘I’ll be at the bar.’ Without barely a glance, Beau strode off to join Colton and Riley.

And when my eyes followed him, they didn’t linger with concern. But rather flickered to the bull rider who glanced over his shoulder ever so slightly as if he could sense my gaze on him.

‘Who was that ?’ It was the most excitement I’d seen in Kimberley, as she shuffled forward in her seat.

‘Oh, um …’ I fell back into the booth seat heavily. How did I introduce the guy I would most likely no longer be dating soon? ‘That’s Beau. My boyfriend.’

Kimberley’s eyes were on Colton as the trio now moved through the crowds towards the pool tables, and I felt a cloud of green with red eyes begin to swirl in me. ‘That cowboy looks familiar.’

‘Colton?’ I shrugged, hoping I looked nonchalant on the outside when I definitely wasn’t on the inside. He’s not yours anymore, stupid . ‘I mean he’s a professional bull rider in the States.’

‘Colton Hayes ?’ A wicked look came into her eyes and before I could blink, she’d thrown back the remainder of her drink and shot to her feet.

‘Uh, Kimberley, where are you—’

But she was already gone, sashaying through the crowds which looked at the foreigner with curiosity towards the pool tables.

Ellie-May had also finished her drink and was scooting along her seat like a dog with worms. ‘I’ve gotta see this!’

‘For God’s sake.’ I snatched my glass into my hand and walked after her. ‘This wasn’t in the itinerary!’

By the time Ellie-May and I had reached the pool tables, the young players of the football team were looking at Kimberley like hungry dogs. But they weren’t the ones she was paying attention to. Colton was. I’m not jealous, I’m not jealous, I’m not jealous! This was what I kept chiding to myself as I watched Kimberley press herself against Colton. It was hard to distinguish how he felt about that. Riley and Ellie-May were chatting together casually, moving around the table to set up a new game. Beau’s arm coming to awkwardly rest around my shoulders was like a wash of cold water. Colton saw it, too, and I felt my heart constrict when he turned to smile at Kimberley.

‘So you’re the author every woman in town is in a tizz about?’

Beau’s arm around me felt heavier, like a reminder of who I’d committed myself to, as my gaze zeroed in on Kimberley batting her lashes at Colton flirtatiously. ‘And you’re one of the bull riders girls break into hysterics for. I heard you were in my city a few weeks ago. If I wasn’t already over here, maybe I would’ve come to see what the big deal is all about.’

My eyes were following Beau lining up his shot but my ears were solely trained on Colton and Kimberley’s vomit-inducing flirting.

‘Well then if it’s inspiration you’re after, why don’t you pay the Double Q Ranch a visit?’

I flinched, and it wasn’t from the sound of Ellie-May sending the coloured balls smacking into one another.

Kimberley was smiling up at Colton, her hand resting on top of his. ‘Sure, that sounds fun. How does tomorrow suit you?’

‘Uh, sorry, Kimberley!’ I gave an awkward chuckle, moving away from Beau to step closer to her. ‘Your cottage, eight-thirty sharp, remember?’ I whipped around to face Colton. ‘And you aren’t using my guest to warm your bed!’

There was a collection of ooh ’s around the pool table from onlookers. I could sense Beau hovering behind me, a reminder of who I’d chosen when Colton’s eyes sparkled with mischief and a cheeky grin made my stomach flip.

‘What would you do to stop me, Honey?’

I didn’t breathe. I could only feel the quickened ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom of my heart. Colton’s cheekiness had vacated and a delicious storm I wondered if I could only see swirled around him. I backed up closer to Beau’s front, like some sort of tether so I didn’t do something I regretted. Beau’s hand landing on my arm made me jump slightly and I was grateful when he tugged me away from Colton, out of the strange force field radiating from the bull rider that prevented me from thinking straight.

I levelled Colton with a look as a piece chipped from my heart with the realisation he very well could have sex with Kimberley. ‘Nothing. I’d do nothing.’

The slight furrow on Colton’s brow told me that wasn’t the answer he expected—or perhaps, wanted.

A calculating look was on Kimberley’s face as her eyes flicked between us, before she sent a flirtatious smile to Colton, who gave a small one in return. ‘What better way to get research than visit a real-life ranch with cute cowboys?’

‘Right.’ I moved away from Beau, who stood stiffly, rummaging through my handbag for my card. ‘I think I need something stronger than lemonade.’

‘Since when do you drink booze?’ Ellie-May frowned at me with curiosity.

‘Yeah, Honey! I like it!’ Riley held his beer up to me in a salute. ‘Time to par-tay like the old days!’

‘You alright?’ Beau murmured in my ear.

I felt like I was out of my own body, watching down as an immature and jealous girl grabbed his face in her hands and slipped an obvious tongue into his mouth. What was I doing? This wasn’t me. I was above this. I was better than this. But the thought of Colton being with someone else, of having Kimberley brushing her body against him, it made me act like an idiot. And I hated that I allowed him to. Beau looked down at me slightly dazed, his hands gripping my waist.

‘I’m gonna go and get us a beer.’ With a smack to his jean-clad arse, I did just that.

***

I could barely breathe but that didn’t stop me from twirling around my pool cue like Mary Poppins on a streetlight. I was giggling like a child. I was sweating. My body was hot. I could see the footy team watching me with amusement and it encouraged me to continue making a dill of myself. For the first time in what felt like an incredibly long time, I felt free as a bird. No drug-addicted parents. No work. No committees. Beer was a disgusting drink. I didn’t understand why the bitter and frothy stubbies were so popular with the male population. Yet I’d hid my winces. And after three, I was beginning to get used to the taste.

I’d never been one to drink. After witnessing my parents being off their faces, I never wanted to put myself in a situation of something similar. But I knew that this careless feeling, as well as having some bearings, meant I was tipsy. I was aware enough that I was making an idiot of myself, but I was enjoying the laughter it was bringing out of people too much. Everyone was watching me like I was the best thing since sliced bread, except for two. Beau didn’t seem impressed by me letting loose and through my steadily blurring vision, neither did Kimberly Sparks. It was stupid her last name was Sparks. It should be Dull. Kimberley Dull, Dull, Bloody Dull.

The room was spinning at a rapid pace when I gave up the Mary Poppins act and staggered over to a figure that looked like Beau, bursting into another round of giggles when I fell into his arms.

‘I think it’s time I took you home,’ he murmured against my ear.

My hand was lightning fast, my hand coming to squish his cheeks together. ‘I’m fiiine .’ A hiccup heaved my chest. ‘Don’t be such a party pooper.’ I wobbled slightly as I rose on the toes of my boots, my mouth slipping around Beau’s ear. ‘You might get lucky tonight.’

There was an obvious throat clear behind me and I turned to see Colton glaring at us, looking far from impressed with Kimberley draped on his arm. ‘Your turn, Beau.’

While Beau took his shot, I skipped around the table to Kimberley, shaking the balls on the table as I crashed into it. ‘Are you … are you having fun, Kimberley Du—I mean, Sparks. Kimberley Sparks is your name. Don’t wear it out!’

‘You Australians sure are unique.’ In my wobbly vision, I could see her smile was tight.

‘You don’t smile much.’ I pouted. ‘I … I get it. Completely.’ Another hiccup. ‘Who hurt you, Kimberley? Who took the Sparks and made you dull?’

‘Jesus, Honey …’ A figure was looming towards me.

‘You can talk to me,’ I rushed. An arm wrapped around my waist, steadily dragging me away from a wide-eyed Kimberley. ‘I’m the most judged person in Gumtree Valley, so anything you tell me will be A-okay, sistah!’

I broke into giggles when the room moved. I was over someone’s shoulder, which pressed into my alcohol-filled belly. I smacked my hands against the Wrangler arse playfully. Nice! Back at the pool tables, Ellie-May looked to be having heated words with Colton. Their arms were waving around wildly, like two angry octopuses. People were staring as I was carried out of the pub. But for the first time, I didn’t care. I didn’t care that they would be bitching about me being the cause of two brothers feuding, or that they were shaking their heads with disdain about the apple not falling far from the McBride tree. Everything painful in my life was numb and the buzz throughout my body made me happy for reasons I didn’t even know. I could see why people got drunk and how they stumbled down the hole of alcoholism. Being drunk was fun.

When did I start to cross the line of being tipsy?

The cool night air felt good on my hot skin which glistened with sweat. The sounds of the pub faded. I staggered when the soles of my boots hit the pavement. Beau was staring at me, judgement in his eyes and arms folded across his chest, when I rightened. With just a few breaths of the fresh air came the realisation of how much alcohol I’d downed. For the big boys like Riley, who could handle their liquor well, three beers was a drop to the kidneys. For someone who practiced Dry July all year around, those three beers might as well have been a carton. My stomach made a horrible churning motion.

‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ Beau’s voice had taken on the angry tone I’d only witnessed once before—our argument at the round yard.

I held my arms out in surrender. Another stagger. ‘I’m having fun, Beau.’

‘No, you’re making an idiot of yourself.’

‘Oh—’ I blew a saliva-loaded raspberry. ‘—I’m allowed to let loose, just once !’

Beau’s eyes had turned to steel, but even in my drunken stupor I didn’t miss the heartache illuminated by the fluorescent lighting. ‘This isn’t about letting loose, Honey. This is about jealousy. This is about you seeing Kimberley all over Colton in there and drinking yourself to stupidity to try and forget about it.’

My staggering stopped. The outdoor area stopped spinning. The cool night air intensified and I wished for my jacket, which was still inside. Not just to protect me from the cold, but so I could crawl under it and hide in mortification. Beau was watching me, watching as my mouth opened and closed in useless motions. I looked like a goldfish, stuck inside a bowl with nowhere to escape. My brain might as well be one of a goldfish with how I was scrambling for an argument.

But there was no argument.

Because after years of denying my lingering feelings for Colton, I no longer could. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of reassuring Beau that there was nothing to worry about when I couldn’t promise it to myself. My heart was at its heaviest, weighted by the guilt from the constant lies.

‘I’m sorry.’ My voice was barely there, my words just a forced whisper. Tears worsened the blurring of my vision. Bile rose from my stomach and I didn’t know if it was purely the alcohol threatening to rise or the guilt of being caught in my lies. ‘I tried. I tried to love you— so hard .’

Beau’s eyes wouldn’t meet mine. His stubbled jaw was grinding. Back and forth, back and forth. ‘You lied to me.’ He stared out to the carpark. ‘Every time I asked if anything was going on between the two of you, you promised me there wasn’t. Every damn time I walked in on the two of you, it was like I’d interrupted something. I told myself that I was being paranoid because of the history between you. I trusted you.’

The nausea in my stomach worsened as the tears in my eyes broke their banks. ‘I promise that nothing happened between us. I thought … I thought I was over him. I thought that when I first saw him in my store, that those old feelings just came back because of old memories.’ I squeezed my eyes shut as a cold breeze rocked my body. ‘But the longer Colton stayed, so did those feelings. And I knew it wasn’t just the memories tying me to him, but the fact that I gave my heart to him a long time ago.’

Beau swore under his breath. He still wouldn’t look at me, but rather his gaze drilled into his boots. ‘So all those conversations about our future? Of you wanting a family some day? They were all lies?’

‘No!’ I lurched towards him, catching myself when my feet wobbled. ‘I promise, I was telling the truth.’

‘I don’t know what the hell to think, Honey!’ he snapped and I staggered back. ‘I asked you to marry me when you were in love with my brother!’

‘I swear to you, I did want those things. I still do want those things. And I wanted them with you. Despite what you might think, I didn’t lie to you about that. It’s just that the longer we stayed together … I started to wonder if I wanted them with you. Beau, I’m so—’

‘You want it with Colton.’ Beau gave a bitter chuckle and scrubbed a hand over his face. ‘Colton promised you the same future, Honey, but he up and left you as soon as the States came calling. Just like he left Dad and me. I was the one who promised you those things, who tried to give you those things just for you to throw them away!’

‘I tried …’ I sucked in a sharp and shuddering breath. The three beers were making their way back up but I fought them down.

Beau and I stood there, with the noise of Tailgates around us, staring at one another. I could tell him there was a time I loved him. Of a time I wanted to say yes to his marriage proposal. But they would be more lies. And Beau was already so broken by my lies.

The noise of the patrons inside had me quickly swiping my eyes, and when I looked up, my stomach gave another horrible lurch. The door swung shut after Colton, whose eyes ping-ponged between us. I saw him take note of my tears, of Beau’s rigid posture. I held my breath, preparing to scream for help when fists started to fly.

‘Stay the fuck away from me,’ muttered Beau to his brother before storming off into the car park.

Colton and I stared at each other in silence. Questions and old feelings swirled around us. Regrets and reignited love. Ellie-May burst outside just as Beau’s ute tore out of the carpark with a diesel-fuelled roar.

Then, the beers I’d been fighting to hold down suddenly made their reappearance.