28. 28
28
Honey
O n a Saturday, I was usually up early with Granny using the most of the weekend to catch up on jobs. I should have been in the orchards at first light, capturing the blooming fruit of next season’s jams with the warm sunrise glow for the Appleyard Farm Instagram page. The notes for the beta reading I’d been doing were yet to be put into a draft and sent to my client. I was also meant to have announced next month’s read for The Queen Bees’ Book Club. The most I’d done for that was take an aesthetic photo of the book.
Despite my never-ending to-do list, I’d stared at the ceiling fan whirring above my bed listening to Men Are from Mars, Woman Are from Venus on audiobook all morning. It wasn’t until my upstairs bedroom became stifling and I was sickened by my own pity party that I slid from my bed. Self-respect was out the window as I slunk downstairs with my unbrushed hair thrown into what was meant to be a ponytail, an oversized shirt with stains and bike shorts. I was the poster girl for hungover regrets.
Through the window, I saw Granny sitting on the wrap-around verandah and made my way out into the stifling heat. Duke, who’d been sleeping at her feet, lifted his head at my appearance and thumped his thick tail. Granny smiled up at me from her gardening magazine, wearing her floppy straw hat, singlet and cut-off denim shorts. I slumped into the deck chair next to her, consciously noticing she looked a heck of a lot better than I did despite having fifty years on me.
‘How are you feeling, bumblebee?’
I stared out to where Misty grazed in the shade of her paddock. The little tree Colton and I planted was still growing strong, defying the odds of being put in the hot summer ground.
‘I’m a terrible person.’ I took comfort in stroking Duke’s big floppy ears. ‘I turned Beau and Colton against each other. I made a drunken idiot of myself in front of Kimberley. And while I should be heartbroken about breaking up with Beau, all I can think of is Colton taking Kimberley on that stupid tour.’
‘Oh, darling. How were you supposed to know things would turn out this way?’ Granny patted my hand. ‘Was it really so bad to hope two grown boys would put aside their differences?’
‘I’m just like them ,’ I murmured. By the way Granny flinched, I didn’t need to elaborate on who I was talking about. ‘Selfish. Only worried about getting what I want and not concerning myself with hurting others.’
‘Now don’t you ever think that!’ Granny’s tone became fierce and I started at the foreignness of it. ‘There is a part of you which reminds me of her, your mother. But it’s not the bad parts of her, the parts of her that turned rotten when your father introduced her to the drugs.’ A sad look came into her eyes. She didn’t talk about her daughter often. I’d always thought it was to shield me, to help me move on without them in my life, but as I’d grown older, I’d come to understand that it was just too painful for her. ‘When she was young, there were two things your mum loved—animals and books. For the entire day, she would disappear on a horse, ride and when the sun set, she would be curled up in her room with her nose buried deep in a book. She was adventurous and bright. A total ray of sunshine. That’s the only part of them that you carry with you. That loving and sweet girl.’
I’d seen photos of my young mum before. She’d looked just like me with big blue eyes and blonde curls. But the woman who’d raised me wasn’t anything like that girl in the sepia photos. Her hair was box-dyed black and unhealthy. Her skin, like my dad’s, was covered in sores. Her teeth were yellow. And the inside of her was like a rotten apple, poisoned by my father. Granny didn’t talk about him much, hating the man who took the daughter she loved away from her, but I did know he’d been the Casanova every parent feared. He’d bewitched my mum with his Holden Sandman and promise of a fairytale life, which had turned out to be anything but.
‘Do you despise me, for cutting them out of my life?’ I asked cautiously.
Granny looked to me calmly. ‘No. That woman who the police took you from all those years ago wasn’t my daughter. People like that, they poison anyone around them. I was glad you were strong enough to see that from a young age.’
‘I’m forever grateful for you and Poppy taking me in,’ I said softly. ‘I’m just sorry I’m causing so much trouble now.’
She chuckled. ‘You were too well behaved for a teenager. Let’s just say you’re a late bloomer.’
I joined her laughing until I couldn’t. Until a lump so large no joy could squeeze past it formed in my throat. A lump of shame and regret. ‘I’ve caused some pain, Granny. To people I care about—people I never wanted to hurt.’
Granny’s weathered yet soft hand patted mine. When she looked at me beneath the brim of her hat, her eyes were warm and patient. ‘Then you make amends.’
***
It was a little past lunchtime, the day warming me, from where I sat on the front steps of the B the jokes his co-workers would make and having people imagine us doing what the characters in my books do.’
‘Is that why you put this act on?’ Kimberley stilled and I knew I’d hit the target. ‘Sorry, I sort of know a little bit about putting on a show to stop people peeking behind the curtain. I’ve been doing it my whole life, acting the total opposite of my junkie parents so people wouldn’t connect the dots between us. It’s what made me such a persistent overachiever.’
Her lips quirked into a smile. A genuine smile. ‘You know, I’m a country girl at heart?’ At my surprised reaction, she nodded. ‘I have a whole collection of small-town romance manuscripts completed on my laptop, all of them based on the ranch life I lived as a child in Montana. But my publisher wanted something juicy and edgy, so I came up with the high-rise erotica. It was fun at first and it put my name on the map. But writing the things I do comes at a price.’ She barked a laugh. ‘Dating was hard enough and then I finally had someone who I thought could survive it.’
‘Is that why you’ve created this badass image of yourself? Not to protect yourself but the people important to you?’
Kimberley nodded. ‘Not that it did much, did it?’ She leant her head back, smiling softly. ‘I’m a natural blonde, I hate wearing heels and when I’m locked behind my office door, it’s not designer clothes I’m wearing but my favourite set of sweats. They’ve been worn so many times there’re stains in them I’ll never get out.’
I smiled. ‘I think I like the sound of the real Kimberley. The one I met at the airport was kind of terrifying.’
‘Sorry. Sometimes you get so used to playing an act you start to do it too well, you know?’
I nodded. I did. Truly. First with my parents, pretending that I was okay hiding in the cupboards when their junkie mates would come over. If I acted okay on the outside then it wouldn’t affect me on the inside. Acting like the whispers of Gumtree Valley didn’t reach my ears. Lying about who my parents were at university—they were high-flying business people who I didn’t have a lot of contact with. Keeping the facade of wanting to be with Beau. Telling myself my feelings for Colton hadn’t reignited with his return. I’d worn so many masks during my life, now that they were all gone … I didn’t really know who I was without them. I didn’t remember a time when I didn’t have them.
Without the trauma of my past and the drama of my present, who the hell was Honey McBride?
‘So, why are you here researching for a small-town romance when your publisher doesn’t want you writing them?’ I frowned across at Kimberley.
She smirked. ‘I told them that the book I’ve just been touring for was the last of my erotica series. My name brings so much attention to their publishing house they were willing to give me what I wanted rather than drop me. Not that I would’ve cared. I’ve got enough of a following to go indie, anyway.’
I smiled. ‘I’m glad that after everything, you’re going to be able to have something you want.’
‘Me too. A man who loves me wouldn’t be too bad either, but baby steps.’ She rolled her head to look over at me. ‘You’re one lucky girl, Honey. To have a man that loves you.’
My breath hitched. ‘Beau and I broke up, remember?’
‘Mm you can drop the act, girl. By the way you’re blushing, you knew I wasn’t talking about Beau.’