38. 38
38
Honey
T ailgates was crowded. A large portion of the town poured in from all over to say goodbye to their favourite librarian. Daisy and her young bar staff were flat out serving beer that slopped onto the runner mats and pouring generous glasses of wine. Platters of nibblies were being circulated and I snagged a cocktail spring roll on their way past. There was a reason why I’d chosen my quiet spot by the kitchen doors.
I chomped into the crispy pastry, my eyes surveying the people crammed in like sardines. There were Riley and his mates, donning the religious high vis shirts, stubbies shorts, boot covers and steel caps. The shire office workers were a bit more finely dressed in pressed shirts and pants or flowing summer dresses. Kids of the local families screamed and ran amok in the playground on the other side of the windows so the parents could still keep an eye on them while letting them run free within the fenced area. I always found it hilarious that there wasn’t all that much of a difference from a children’s playground to a dog park.
Beau was amongst the crowd, his styled brown hair poking above most of the heads. I’d asked if he was bringing a plus one. He’d said no. His and Emma’s first date was only last week and while I understood it was a bit early for them to be exclusive, his avoidance when I asked how the date had gone made me wonder if it hadn’t gone well at all. I worried that Beau being Beau had approached the new potential relationship with too much caution and wasn’t willing to put his heart on the line again. The town, however, wasn’t approaching the new potential couple with such caution. Mrs. Bickering was already bursting at the seams with the prospect of the local church holding a wedding. Bless her. Beau would never get married in a church. Double Q Ranch had always been his choice of venue. As had Colton’s. I thought of my nineteen-year-old self trawling through Instagram all those years ago, sighing at the beautiful western wedding photography pages. Colton and I, in the doorway of the barn with the horses behind us. Me in my wedding dress, my veil blowing in the wind. His hands on my waist. Our faces smiling at each other, eyes eternally locked in love. That had been the wedding photo I’d pined over.
I hadn’t realised I’d been staring until Beau was wading his way through the crowds towards me. I flushed with embarrassment, not because I was worried about giving him the wrong impression, but because I knew others would’ve seen me staring and now rumours of me taking the new vet’s man would be kicking off. Just when I thought it might be dwindling, the scandal reminded me of its domino effect. I’d definitely be hated if I was the one to drive Emma out of town. Finding a decent vet in small towns could be hard, and once a town had one, they did anything to keep them locked down. Unfortunately, a scandal as big as Gumtree Valley’s love triangle was yet to appear, meaning I was still being picked apart like a dead kangaroo on the side of the road. Selfishly, and horribly, I was hoping Beau and Emma’s relationship would take off so that eyes moved to them. But then I thought of Beau, still wearing the scars of the scandal, now trying to start afresh with Emma, who would innocently be roped into it too. I wondered if maybe Beau hadn’t brought her tonight to protect her.
‘Are you sure you want to be seen with me with all those beady eyes watching my every move, waiting for me to steal you back from Emma?’ I muttered sarcastically.
Beau stood next to me, his strong bicep brushing my bare shoulder as he took a swig of beer. ‘Emma and I aren’t together, or ever will be, so don’t worry about it.’ My mouth had barely opened before he was cutting me off. ‘No, I don’t want to talk about the date.’
It had definitely gone horribly wrong, I decided. It must have been bad if he refused to talk about it.
I snatched a couple of party pies fresh from the kitchen and tossed one to Beau who gave me a funny but grateful look. ‘Careful, they’ll be hot.’
He gave a scoff. ‘I’m not a rookie with my party pies.’
I grinned as he poked a hole into its lid, allowing the steam to billow out, before doing the same to mine. ‘Uh oh, I think I hear the rumour mill cranking up about you putting a finger in my pie!’
Beau threw his head back and laughed. ‘Would you like some sauce too?’
We giggled like two golden oldies cracking dirty jokes. Eyes looked at us and whispered behind hands. Eventually we settled, tucking into our cooled pies. I beamed up at Beau, grateful that I hadn’t lost my friend.
‘So how you feeling about Ellie-May leaving?’ he asked tenderly.
I looked to my best friend, dressed to the nines for her farewell party in a shimmering cocktail dress and heels, welcoming some newcomers with a bright smile and hug. ‘Honestly? I’m gutted. But just because I’m miserable, it doesn’t mean everyone else has to be. After everything Ellie-May has got me through, she deserves to be free of me for a bit.’
‘Hey, you’re no burden,’ said Beau gently. ‘She’s going to be just as lost without you.’
‘Yeah, but she’s like a magnet with people. Everyone loves her.’ I gave a misty smile, my bracelets jangling in a wave when she spotted me.
‘You’ll find someone, Honey. I promise, you will.’ Beau’s big hand squeezed my arm. God, was he trying to send the rumour mill off its hinges? No, of course not. He was just being Beau. Big, macho-looking but kind and gentle Beau. ‘You manage to see Colton’s comeback ride?’
I shook my head, shame pricking at my skin like hot needles. ‘I haven’t watched him ride since he left.’
Beau gave a rude snort making my eyes snap to him. He was chuckling against his beer now, taking a swig before he spoke. ‘I know you always used to watch him.’
I closed my eyes. ‘Oh god . Beau, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to keep it from you. I … I … well I don’t know why I did. I guess I felt like I was cheating.’
There was hurt in his eyes but he shrugged with that easy-going smile anyway. ‘It’s alright.’
‘I’m refusing to watch him anymore,’ I stated matter-of-factly. ‘I’m moving on from Colton—for good this time.’
Beau smirked. ‘You and Colton getting each other out of your systems is an optimistic thought. It’s like you need each other to survive.’
I stared down at my half-eaten pie, not daring to say anything.
‘So you don’t know what happened? At all?’
An awful gut feeling sunk my stomach and I frowned deeply at him. ‘No? Has something bad happened?’
‘He—’
‘What are you two doing hiding in the corner together?’ Ellie-May trotted up to us, yet another flute of bubbly between her manicured fingers. ‘Ooh! Sausage rolls!’
‘Beau was just about to tell me—’
‘Johnno!’ A local farmer, the same age as Beau, waltzed up to him, taking him away with a meaty arm around the shoulders.
Ellie-May was timidly chomping on her sausage roll as to not ruin her lip gloss. ‘What were you two talking about?’
I waved it off, not wanting to get myself tangled around Colton on her big night. ‘Nothing important. Enjoying your night?’
Ellie-May nodded with a smile. ‘I am! But I feel like I haven’t been able to spend time with you! Why don’t you get around and socialise? Although, kudos to you my friend, for snagging the best spot in the room.’
‘I think it’s best if I keep laying low.’ I stared down into my coke, the bubbles lifting to the top of the dark liquid.
‘Aw, don’t worry about the bickering old biddies!’ There was a slight slur to her words as she gave a dramatic flick of her hand. Someone nearby was trying to get her attention. ‘Oh, bugger it! Hang on, I’ll be right back!’
I watched as she danced her way over to a group of girls we’d gone to school with. Ellie-May always had been the popular one in our group with her bright and sparkly personality. The girls she was speaking with had turned their noses at me in jealousy. I was the trashy blow-in who’d snagged the boy they all fawned over. As I watched Ellie-May chatting away to them, a lump suddenly swelled in my throat, expanding until I was blinking rapidly and the corners of my mouth twitched. She was my bestest- everest friend. The most we’d been apart was when I’d gone to the city for uni and that had only been a few hours away. She’d come every second weekend to visit, dying to escape the day-to-day of Gumtree Valley, and we would go eat at hipster restaurants, then trot on down to the nightclubs. We wouldn’t be worried about getting the attention of boys like so many of the other girls had, but would be happy enough dancing and sweating away together on the dancefloor. Post partying breakfasts were always Macca’s hotcakes. I knew our bond was stronger than distance. So why did it feel like I was already losing her?
Tears burnt at the back of my eyes and I spun on my heel, making my way out the back door which led to the car park. Outside was much calmer and the air cooler without a hundred bodies to heat it. I absent-mindedly pondered my way through the car park amongst dusty vehicles illuminated by fluorescent lighting. I’d been doing so well to keep myself together, so why now, on the night I should’ve been happy for my best friend, was I crumbling? I found my ute on the edge of the car park, only partially lit by the lights. I shimmied up onto its rusting bullbar, staring down at my boots as I allowed the first tear to slip, until there was a cascade of them travelling down my face, carving into the full coverage foundation.
I couldn’t pinpoint a reason why tonight I was unravelling. I was meant to be in there having a good time with Ellie-May. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t be the miserable friend to hold her back. But here I was sooking like an absolute fool. Maybe I was jealous. Jealous that she got to escape a town with prying eyes at the first whisper of scandal. Jealous that she would meet some deep international guy, who she would eventually bring home. Then she would be off again, taking her beloved on a tour of Australia, snapping cute couple selfies in front of Australia’s ‘Big’ statues. The ram, the pineapple, the koala, the banana and the big bloody prawn. I could see myself now, sobbing green tears, forcing myself to heart react and comment, YOU ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER! GLAD YOU’RE HAVING A GREAT TIME .
I rolled my wet face back to look up at the sky, finding myself leaning back onto my elbows. The night sky was a perfect black, allowing the stars to truly dazzle. I found the saucepan, the southern cross and dazzling belt of the Milky Way. Damned if I could find those other constellations Colton and I had always tried to map out. Maybe that was Sagittarius by the saucepan? Buggered if I knew. Not that I’d really been worried about the constellations as I’d laid with Colton. I don’t think he had been either as he pointed the maps of stars out. I rolled my head to the left, a fresh burst of tears flooding down my face when I saw the ghost of Colton lying next to me.
I looked back to the stars, allowing the crushing weight of loneliness to rest heavily on my chest. Of course, I still had Duke, Misty, Granny and The Honey Pot. I was lucky to keep Beau as a friendly neighbour. The Queen Bees’ Book Club was always a place of warmth and happiness in the comments. Especially when we’d only just finished Sarah J. Maas’s A Court of Mist and Fury and the women had cackled like galahs about wingspan. I’d lost Colton long ago, and now I was losing Ellie-May.
There was a pressure of life moving on and me being stuck. I didn’t know what was next for me, how I kept achieving things to continue proving people wrong. The status I’d worked so hard to build was already tarnished. How did it go up from here? There were no blokes lining up to date me. Why would they? And the acne on my face caused by the PCOS was a daily reminder in the mirror that time for having a family wasn’t on my side. I placed a hand on my belly, able to remember when the squishiness had grown hard with a baby inside. Everything I’d ever wanted had been with Colton, and I’d lost it all with him. He was gone. Would I get a second chance? Or was this it for me? Was this the universe’s way of showing me to be grateful for what I’d already had?
It was a semi-familiar chiming which brought me out of my self-melancholy. I dug through my handbag, squinting at the glowing screen of my phone. God, had I still not got around to deleting that app? I went to ignore the latest Ebr notification, but my face had unlocked the screen, and my body stilled at the preview glaring back at me. Far off in the background I heard the rumbling of a V8.
COLTON HAYES ANNOUNCES …
I stared at the three dots, my thumb hovering over the preview. No. I was getting over him. For good this time. I’d been resisting the internet for a whole month so I didn’t cave to temptations. I would not fail now …
I gave a groan as I clicked the notification, waiting impatiently for the app to load the latest article. It was like I was doing a dirty deed as I looked around the empty carpark, the sound of the party thumping across from indoors.
COLTON HAYES ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT FROM Ebr
I sat upright, the blood whooshing from my head and speckles dancing in my vision. ‘What …’
Australian Ebr prodigy, Colton Hayes, has announced his surprising retirement from Elite Bull Riding after only just returning from a lengthy absence in order to care for his ill father in Australia. Whilst Hayes himself was unable to be contacted for comments, his previous manager, Glenn Parks, hinted that focus on family was a strong driving point for his shocking exit. This has left sponsors scrambling and Parks searching for another rider. But don’t worry, Australia, Dustin Bond is still flying your flag high! With Brady Cooper also ruled out for the rest of the season, the approaching finals have been given a shake up!
Focus on family or losing his nerve after Friday night’s stack? Comment your thoughts on the Aussie cowboy’s departure below!
‘Stack?’ I murmured, my heart thumping as I scrolled down to the article comments.
What a pussy!!!
Can u blame the guy? That waz 1 hel of a fall
Hope he finds happiness in whatever he does next…
I JUST GOT HIS NEW MERCH!?!
There was a suggested article at the bottom of the page.
WATCH NOW: COLTON HAYES DEFEATED BY OLD NEMESIS
‘Oh, come on, you stupid thing!’ I shouted at the buffering screen.
Finally, the video loaded, and I watched with bated breath as the Ebr logo faded to reveal The Bounty Hunter burst from the gate with Colton clinging to his back. As I watched his unusually clumsy body get whipped around, I was reminded of the ride I’d watched at The Honey Pot. They’d barely made it from the gate. The Bounty Hunter was brutal, kicking his meaty hide up into the air and going around and around.
The buzzer rung at eight seconds, and I frowned, wondering if the headline had been false clickbait.
Until it happened.
For whatever reason, Colton didn’t hurdle from The Bounty Hunter straight away. My heart pounded painfully when he lost his grip and was thrown from the bull’s back. I gripped my phone tightly as he was flung into the railing with a sickening jolt. Even worse was when the edited video replayed it in slow motion, detailing the bash of his head. The video sped up to normal pace again, showing Colton barely moving. I joined the crowd blaring through the phone’s speakers. Get up, get up, get up! Colton was still battling to get on his feet when The Bounty Hunter sent the rodeo clowns running. They tried dancing in front of him, waving their hands and jumping up and down, but the wild bull was charging for his rider, who’d only just slid up the railing. I closed my eyes, knowing by the crowd’s screams and gasps of what had happened. I waited a few seconds before re-opening them, my dried tears now replaced with fresh ones as I watched people rush to the cowboy I loved.
‘Oh god,’ I moaned, burying my face in my hands. Had he really retired by choice like the article made out? Or was he being shipped off back home as a cripple? That’s what Beau must’ve been trying to tell me. But he didn’t look too upset for someone who had a crippled brother. ‘Those stupid … fucking … bulls!’
‘I don’t see any bulls anywhere.’
I froze, my tears seizing and my body going haywire. I slowly turned my face to the voice I’d thought I’d never hear again. Colton was leaning against the ute, looking worse for wear with a bruised and swollen face and his wrist all strapped up. I opened my mouth to speak but my jaw only swung for a shocked squeak to come out. Colton continued to look at me worriedly and my brain had the thought to wipe at my eyes roughly. I must look like a right nutcase, sobbing myself away in the carpark.
My heart skittered. Stopped. Like a rabbit unable to decide whether going towards the rumbling lights on a country road was a good idea. ‘W-What are you … I mean, you’re meant to be back …’
No words were spoken as his body came between my legs, warm thighs moving on my bare thighs, making my already lagging brain malfunction. Colton was here. In Australia, back in Gumtree Valley. With me. Touching me.
My fingers were trembling as I gingerly reached out and trailed my fingers on the edge of his bruises. There was a split above his eyebrow, which had been glued and was being held together by strips of tape. One eye was as black as the sky above us. Another big bruise travelled beneath his five o’clock shadow now I noticed the roughness of bandages wrapped around his torso between my legs. Something red and hot bubbled in me like an erupting volcano, lava spewing everywhere when I gave his shoulders a shove. Shock registered on his face as he staggered a step back. I jumped down from the bullbar to stab a finger into his chest.
Apparently, I no longer cared about his battered body.
‘What’s the game here, Colton?’ I snapped. It wasn’t anger driving my mood swing but … fear. ‘You almost die, you make me see how close I came to losing you and then you’re going to run on back to the US?’
‘What? No, I—’
‘You are such an arsehole, you know!’ I gave a stomp of my boot, my annoyance flaring when an amused smirk cracked his face. ‘I was finally committed to getting over you. I was on a new journey to … discovery! When we had sex— really good sex —’ That made him grin. ‘—I knew that was the closure I needed. I could finally watch you drive off into the sunrise knowing I could at least have hope of getting over you! But now you’re back and …’ I gave him another shove. ‘Why are you back, Colton?’
‘I wanted to come home to you.’ This time it was my turn to stagger and my rapid breathing quivered when his hands steadied me on the waist. He was looking at me intently, all traces of his usual cockiness gone. ‘When that pissed off bull was coming at me, all I saw was you, Honey McBride. I thought of the promise I made you all those years ago. I saw the baby we lost, that innocent little life that grew angel wings too soon.’ Tears were glimmering in his eyes now, his voice turning hoarse. ‘I knew I had to do things right this time.’
Tears were streaming down my face now, my hands moving up his chest, which bumped with freshly broken ribs, up to his neck and into the softness of his hair. ‘How can I trust you this time? How do I know you won’t just suddenly want a different life again?’
He used his thumbs to wipe my tears, bringing our bodies even closer. ‘I’ve got a lot of damage to heal. I know that. But when I ran off all those years ago, I didn’t know what I would be losing. I deserved to chase my dreams, but I shouldn’t have given up on us. I’d rather be chasing our devil kids around the house with you than cheating death every time I got back on a bull.’
‘Kids?’ I sniffled.
Colton smiled, a tear dripping onto his cheek. ‘I want it all. What we used to talk about. The farm, marrying you, having babies … if whoever controls our fate gives us a second chance.’
I gasped when he hoisted me onto his hips in one swift movement, my legs automatically coming to wrap around him tightly. My hand was on his face, my eyes looking into the depths of his, searching for any sign of doubt. ‘What if that’s not enough one day?’
‘Baby, you will always be enough and more for me. I was just too much of a stupid kid for too damn long to realise that,’ he whispered against my lips. ‘So, will you take this broken-down cowboy back?’
‘I never let you go to begin with.’
I could feel Colton wincing with pain as he kissed me, but when I tried to break away, he only held me tighter. It was as if New Year’s Eve fireworks had set off inside of me. Bursts of colour travelled through my veins. The coolness of a vehicle pressed into my back, his hips pinning me against it while his hands ravished my body. I locked my fingers in his hair, sucking in deep gulps of air as his lips broke from mine to trail down my neck. Wet and hot kisses on my skin, tracing the tattoo of angel wings over my heart. I looked up at the stars, closing my eyes against a single tear.
I’d told Colton not to agonise over the what-ifs when I told him about the miscarriage, despite doing it myself numerous times. What if I never moved to Appleyard Farm? What if I’d never fallen in love with the boy next door? What if he never proposed? What if we never broke up? What if I never fell pregnant? When I lost our baby, my “what-ifs” had turned to “whys” full of pain and bitterness. Why did it happen to me? Why did Colton choose the US over us? Why did the universe take our baby?
Now I understood. There were bumps along the road—some bumps too big to overcome in the moment. Love wasn’t always enough to make someone stay. There were fights, heartache and tears. Love didn’t always mean sacrifice, to give up a dream for someone else.
I understood that all the pain and pining we’d suffered made us even more grateful for the second chance we’d been given.