Chapter Sixty-Six
Chapter
Sixty-Six
Beulah
A short note. That was all I had from Stone.
All it said was, I’ll be home late.
Nothing more. No reason why. He hadn’t even added an “I love you.” Maybe it was girly of me to care about that, but I hadn’t heard from him all day. Just this note waiting on me when I got home.
I hadn’t eaten dinner with Geraldine thinking I would cook something for us tonight. We could have a nice meal together and talk more. I wanted to be there for him to discuss his next steps with Wills. Be his support. Whatever he needed me to be.
But instead, I was alone with no information other than he would be home late.
Sitting in the kitchen, I ate a bowl of chicken noodle soup I had found in the pantry and heated up. There was nothing appetizing about canned noodle soup, but I wasn’t going to cook just for me. The saltine crackers helped the taste somewhat. My plans to make spinach and chicken gnocchi for dinner were now gone.
The apartment was quiet. I’d been here with it empty except for me more than I had been here with Stone. At least, it seemed that way. I was being whiny. I knew my roaming thoughts were unreasonable, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
Life with Stone was never going to be predictable or normal. I shouldn’t expect it to be. Especially now. He had a lot on his shoulders—more than I could imagine. I had to be his support, not another responsibility—he didn’t need that.
Pausing mid-bite, the soup suddenly smelled funny. My mood was more than likely the cause. I stood up and walked to the sink to dump the soup and wash it down the sink disposal. A bath sounded nice. I would do that while I waited on Stone. Eating wasn’t enjoyable.
After I washed my bowl and put it away, I headed to the room I had been sleeping in and decided to use that bathroom. Going into Stone’s bedroom and personal space without him here felt weird. This wasn’t my home. I was referring to it as if it were, but this was Stone’s home, not mine. I didn’t have a home.
Stopping to look at myself in the mirror, I wondered if this would become my home. Stone had never mentioned that he wanted me to live with him permanently. We were…we were a couple. But that didn’t mean he planned on us living under the same roof, did it? Feeling displaced was normal for me, but it didn’t make me feel less lonely. It made me miss my mother and our home.
Would she approve of Stone? I hadn’t thought of that. I’d been so wrapped up in how he made me feel that I didn’t stop and think about what my mother would have done in this situation. I had never seen her date or get serious with a man. Heidi and I had been her center. Her world. Had she ever been lonely? As a mother of two girls with no help, having a life outside of us had to be incredibly hard. She had no one to lean on, no support.
Once again, I was reminded of how tough she had been. She had raised me to believe in myself and to never depend on someone else. She’d taught me to change a tire, fix a lawn mower, climb a ladder to check the roof for leaks, and never think I needed a man for anything. And here I was, feeling lonely without a man. I was vulnerable, though I had been raised never to put myself in this situation.
The man who donated part of my DNA was a mystery to me and I never heard her mention or blame him for the difficulties I knew she had faced. It was as if he had never existed.
I walked into the bathroom and turned on the water for my bath. I wasn’t as tough as my mother. I guess I could blame that on the unknown man who helped give me life. He was weak. He had to be. What other reason could there be for his absence? Maybe that was where this emotional outcry was coming from.
With a sigh, I took off my clothing and stepped into the warm water. My head was all over the place. My emotions abnormally raw. Stone has a job. He can’t be expected to be here with me all the time. That was silly and I needed to get over myself.
Lying back, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the water. My body was tired, and my thoughts quickly began to ease and drift. Drowsily, I realized I was starting to dream and forced my eyes open. I’d never gone to sleep in the bath before. Last night’s events must be catching up to me.
My lack of sleep could also have contributed to my emotions. I sat up and started to wash my body, deciding I needed to get some sleep before Stone got home. If he wanted a repeat of last night, I was on board. However, in order to keep up with him, I needed sleep. At the thought of grabbing a nap, I yawned, and my eyes watered.
I quickly finished and dried my body with a towel. I felt so out of sorts. Reasons for my off behavior ran through my head. I smiled when I realized it was probably time for my period. I paused and did the math, but it didn’t seem right. Thinking harder, I counted the days, but again, it was wrong. It couldn’t have been thirty-six days since my last period. I was a twenty-eight days on the mark girl. Sometimes a day early or late. But not a week.
My heart began to thud more rapidly in my chest. I wrapped the towel around me and searched for my phone. I needed to see my calendar because I had marked down the first day of my last period. I always marked the calendar to know when to expect my next one. With each step I took to my phone, my mind began assaulting me with what-ifs I tried to slap away and push back.
My hand was trembling as I picked it up. I unlocked the screen and scrolled for the calendar app. There was a moment of pause before I clicked it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see. I wasn’t sure I was ready if I wasn’t wrong. Too much would be in the balance. I began to sweat as I lowered my thumb to press the small calendar app, which opened in front of me.
I closed my eyes and whispered a brief “please no” to God or whoever was listening.
With the panic causing my blood to pound through my veins so loudly, I could hear it in my ears, I opened my eyes. The moment they focused, and I studied the dates in front of me, I knew.
I don’t know when I sat down. The floor had to be cold, but I didn’t notice. My knees buckled, and I went down like a tree falling. I was sitting on the floor, staring at the phone in my hand. My mind was racing, and my heart was beating so rapidly that my breathing became erratic.
All I could think about was a little boy who needed saving from a monster. Stone was facing the hardest battle of his life. The darkness from his past clawed away at his mind so much it haunted him.
This was not what he needed. It was bad timing—the worst.
We had both known that when we chose to get lost in the pleasure, taking that chance, we had been aware this could happen. I hadn’t thought about the consequences, but as the truth sank in, I was thinking about them now.
I dropped my phone into my lap and touched my stomach with both hands. If there was a child inside, if we had created a life, I would love and cherish it. I’d never let my child believe I hadn’t wanted it. But Stone, I couldn’t say with certainty that he would want this baby. Not when he had a world of other heavy responsibilities on his shoulders.