Chapter Eighty
Chapter
Eighty
Beulah
Although he was miles away, I still felt time closing in on me.
Stone had texted and called today. Both times, I hadn’t been able to respond. I didn’t want to lie to him, and I would have to if I texted or spoke to him on the phone.
Kissing him goodbye, knowing it was the last time I’d kiss him, had crippled me emotionally. I’d been on the verge of tears all day. More than once, I had thanked Geraldine for the job and all she’d done for me. How her friendship meant so much, and I cherished it. I hadn’t been able to tell her I was leaving and not getting to say goodbye to her had been hard.
Stone’s words had replayed in my head helping remind me why I was doing this. Why I had to do it. There was no other choice. My baby needed me, and I would protect it at all costs. Even walking away from those I had come to love.
I made my last day with Geraldine count. I spent time doing all the things I had been wanting to get to. I made her favorite meals, and we sat outside like she loved to do. I listened to her stories and laughed, enjoying the moment. This would be my last memory with her, and I had soaked it all in.
Once she went upstairs for a nap, I made extra meals and placed them in the fridge, I did extra deep cleaning and got rid of all the outdated food in her pantry. Lastly, I called Shay and asked her if she could fill in tomorrow for me here. I had written a letter for Geraldine, and I knew once she read it that she would let Stone know. He’d get someone over here to stay with her until he found a replacement.
After work, I went to see Heidi. It was unexpected and much later than I had ever visited before. Heidi had been my number one priority for so long. Having someone who needed me more was odd. Thankfully, Heidi was safe and happy. I would one day make sure Stone was paid back for her care. She had never been his to take care of, but he had done it for me.
Leaving town meant distance between me and Heidi. She was happy with her friends and her home. Taking her from all that would be unfair. I wouldn’t go so far that I couldn’t visit her on Sundays, but I didn’t want to stay in Savannah where there were chances that I would come across people in Stone’s world.
When Heidi came out of her room and saw me walking down the hall, she beamed at me and ran to hug me fiercely. I held onto her tightly, trying not to cry. Visiting her several times a week had become our norm. But we had survived before with Sunday visits only. We could do it again.
She was the one person I couldn’t leave without telling her why. She depended on me, and I wanted her to understand why my visits were going back to one day a week.
“Beulah, you surprised me!” she said excitedly. I loved it when I got to do this and knowing these visits would now end made my chest ache.
“I wanted to see you,” I told her and kissed her cheek.
“I made a pillowcase today! Come see!” she grabbed my hand and pulled me to her room.
I went, thankful that we would be in her room alone. Where no one would hear our conversation. She ran over to her bed and picked up a pillow. It was covered in painted flowers. Yellow daisies like the ones our mother loved so much. My eyes stung and I fought back the tears. I wanted to believe she had remembered those were momma’s favorite. That she wasn’t forgetting details like that about her.
“It’s beautiful,” I assured her as I touched the pretty yellow flowers.
“I learned to sew on a machine. They taught us, and it was fun.” Her smile reminding me how this was the best place for her.
Another reason I loved it here. It wasn’t just a care facility. They taught Heidi things I never could. They made her feel as if she were capable of so much more than the world let her believe she was.
“You will have to teach me one day,” I told her. “I would love to know how to sew.”
Heidi nodded enthusiastically. “May sewed a skirt. It’s pink and has white hearts. It’s too big for her, but Tammy said that she could wear it.”
I had no doubt Tammy would wear the skirt proudly. May would be so pleased, and the others would be impressed. This place provided Heidi with the family she needed, the kind I couldn’t give her. I still hadn’t found my security or place. It was time I created my own security, made a life for myself—a life where I could support the child and give it all my mother had given us.
“Heidi, I need to talk to you about something. It’s a secret. Something I can only tell you and no one else can know. Do you understand?” I wasn’t sure this was the way to tell her, but I knew my time was limited. I needed to get my things from Stone’s and find somewhere to sleep tonight before it got too late.
She nodded, and a frown creased her brow. “I can keep a secret. I promise.”
I knew she’d try very hard never to repeat what I was about to tell her. But I also wasn’t sure how much she understood about babies and how they were made. Answering those questions would be tricky.
I put my hand on my stomach and looked at her. I thought about how Mom would tell her this, how she would explain it. Channeling the woman who had loved and raised us, I took a deep breath and held her gaze. “Inside my stomach is a baby. It’s growing. My stomach will get big, and a baby will be born. Do you understand that?” I paused to give her a moment to take that in. Digest it. Figure out how that affected her and what it meant.
Her eyes grew wide, and she nodded slowly. “You’re going to be a mommy.”
Her simple words were so powerful. I nodded watching her face for any confusion in her expression but saw none. She didn’t ask who the daddy was simply because she had never seen a father in her life. There was no daddy. She didn’t know one was required to create a baby. Instead, she asked, “Is it a boy or girl baby?” The excitement in her voice was evident.
“I don’t know yet. I won’t know for a long time still.” A few months was forever to Heidi. She would ask me weekly, regardless, until I knew.
“Will I be able to hold it?” She was still wide-eyed with amazement.
“Yes. You’ll be the best aunt in the world.”
She slapped a hand over her mouth as if I had just told her the most fantastic news she’d ever heard. I waited for her to put her thoughts into words. “I’m going to be an aunt?” she whispered as if that was the ultimate secret.
I nodded. “The only aunt this baby will have,” I told her.
Like a dad, we had never had an aunt. But she understood what they were just like I was sure she’d heard of dads before. She just never questioned our lack of other family members.
“Ohmygod!” she squealed and clapped her hands while jumping up and down.
Again, I fought back tears. Because as happy as she was now, I still hadn’t told her what all this meant for us, how it would change her routine. How I wouldn’t be here as much. How once again, she would have to adjust to change.
She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I will be the best aunt ever,” she promised.
I had no doubt that she would. I held her to me and closed my eyes tightly, fighting back emotion. My entire life, I had protected her the best I could, been there for her, loved her, and worried about her. Now, my priority had to become someone else.
“I know you will,” I replied. “But I need to tell you something else. Something that has to happen because of the baby inside me. It won’t be forever but for a time.” I stopped and studied her a moment. Her eyes were wide as she waited for me to tell her more. There was so much trust there. Her world was safe. She didn’t understand the pain, sorrow, or fear.
I was so very thankful for that.
“I need to take care of the baby, and to do that, I have to move to find a new place to live and a new job. I won’t live close to here like I do now. But I will come back every Sunday like I used to. I’ll bring cupcakes and cookies, and I will stay the day. It won’t be forever. Just until I can get settled.” I stopped waiting to see what her response was going to be.
She didn’t reply right away. We stood there, still holding onto each other, but we did it in silence. I watched her expression change and fought against the urge to say more and try harder to explain. I knew she needed time to let this sink in, to work through it, and to figure it out.
“Will you and the baby be safe if you leave?” she asked me in a quiet voice, but the sincerity and concern in her voice were heartbreaking. I never wanted to cause Heidi to worry. I wanted her to live in happiness.
“Yes. I will find a place where we will be safe.”
She frowned. “I want you to both be happy.”
I squeezed her tightly in a hug. “We will be safe and happy.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise,” I replied, my eyes full of tears slowly beginning to trickle down my cheeks. “And I will be back here to see you every chance I get.”
“I like pink,” she said.
“I will bring pink cookies and cupcakes,” I assured her.
“No. I like to make pink blankets. I like pink clothes. I want the baby to be a girl.”
A small laugh escaped me, drowning the sadness that was weighing on me. Only Heidi could do that when I was so low. “Maybe it will be. Just for you.”
She didn’t reply right away, and I didn’t push for more. This was going smoother than I expected. My heart was breaking, but I was so proud of her that it was also bursting.
“If it’s a boy, I will learn to love blue,” she said after several moments.
I didn’t reply. I was too choked up to say anything. Instead, I held her. My only family. All I had in this world. My special gift in life. My sister.