Chapter One
Rory
Thanksgiving
Third year at Ashford
Sometimes I can’t help watching Cillian with his boyfriend, Ollie.
It’s Thanksgiving, and we just ate at Rian’s, who’s the new leader of our organization.
Everyone is standing around bullshitting, talking about sex, drugs, money, and mayhem—my favorite things.
A tray with coke sits on the coffee table, and while at any other time I might partake, I don’t touch it today. I just…watch Cillian and Ollie.
He’s Cil’s kitten.
My bunny.
The man my best friend—or hell, half of my soul—is in love with.
I care about Ollie too. I couldn’t handle Cil being with anyone other than him. I’d fucking kill them, and maybe that’s fucked up, but it’s true. But Ollie…there’s something about him, something Cil and I both felt from the start, only for Cillian it morphed into being in love with him.
Before Ollie, I never thought I’d be able to love anyone except Cillian, Tiernan, and Aislin. I care a lot about Dean, Tiernan’s boy, I’d do anything for him, but I don’t know if I love him. I do love Ollie, though. Maybe because he’s Cillian’s, and how can I not love someone he does?
Most of the time, emotions are a mystery to me.
Like my situation with Cillian. There’s no explanation for why we are the way we are with each other.
Thinking about him ever not being there makes me feel like ripping out my heart.
I’m not in love with him, and I’m not in love with Ollie either, but Cil is mine—albeit in a different way than he is Ollie’s—and now Ollie is mine because he’s a part of Cillian. It’s confusing as fuck.
I pull out of my pocket one of the fidget spinners Cil always gets for me. I lose them all the time, but he seems to have a never-ending supply.
“Boo,” Aislin says from beside me, leaning against the wall next to me. She pushes her long, black hair behind her ear. “You’re awfully lost in thought over here.”
“I’m trying to figure out love. You’re a girl. Maybe you can help.”
“And you’re a misogynistic asshole,” she tosses back, making me laugh.
“I meant that in the least stereotypical way as possible. You don’t have to be in touch with your emotions because you’re a girl, but you’re the most emotionally put-together person I know.”
“Better.” She nudges me with her arm. “What’s up?”
“I don’t get how people love others.”
She frowns. “What are you talking about? You love me, Tiernan, Cillian, Ollie, Dean…so at the very least five people.”
“I don’t know if I love Dean.”
She chuckles. “You love Dean.”
“Okay, see? How do you know that and I don’t?”
“Because I know you. Because you’d be the first to jump in and protect any of us.”
“Because I like violence,” I argue.
“That’s not why you do it. You do it because you love us, but it’s hard for you to recognize that because we grew up in a really fucked-up way.
It’s done a number on us, and we’re all just doing the best we can to figure it out.
” She follows my line of sight to Cillian and Ollie.
“Are you worried you might be in love with Ollie too?”
“No. I know I’m not.” I shake my head. “I love sharing him with Cil, though, and I’d burn the fucking world down for him.”
“You would.” She gives me a wistful smile. “Cillian, then?”
“I get that people don’t believe us, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that we’re not in love. He’s a part of me, he’s my fucking heart, but in love? No.”
“Seems like you understand love and your emotions better than you think.”
“I don’t get it, though…why it’s like this. And like, I’m happy for Cillian, and if I had to, I’d lock Ollie up so Cillian could keep him forever, but him having Ollie also makes me feel…”
Feel what? I’m the one who started this. I should be able to finish it.
“Lonely?” Aislin suggests.
“Yes. Maybe. I don’t get why it’s not easier for me to make sense of, and I don’t get how Cillian fell in love with someone. I don’t think I could do that.”
Aislin takes my hand, threading her fingers through mine and holding tight. She’s a sister to me in all the ways that matter, and though she doesn’t need any of us to take care of her, I would lay down my life for hers. “You could do it. You just have to find the right person.”
“But I don’t want to. This is all hypothetical.”
She laughs. “Most of the time, I don’t think we have much choice. Do you think Tiernan wanted to fall in love with Dean? Or hell, Dean with Tiernan?”
“Fuck no.”
“Exactly.” She squeezes my hand again. “Life is confusing for normal people; it’s even more confusing for us. You have a big heart, Ror. You’ll figure it out. I know it must be hard for you seeing Cillian fall in love.”
It is hard…but also not. Because it’s Ollie.
“Ollie is good for you both, and he gets you both. It’ll all work out.”
I nod, turning the spinner in my hand. It’s not that I’m worried it won’t work out. I’m just baffled by all these emotions. First from Tiernan, then from Cillian, only mine are twisted up with Cil because of who we are and how much I care for Ollie.
“Thanks, Ash.” I kiss her temple. “How are things with you and Zuri?”
Ash is into a girl for the first time, but it hasn’t progressed much.
“Still just friends. No benefits. Lots of flirting, though, and she stayed in my dorm the other night and we woke up cuddling.”
“Ew. Cuddling. Gross,” I tease, and she rolls her eyes.
“You’re going to fall hard one day, Rory. And they’ll be the luckiest person alive.”
“Never. I’m leaving being in love to you weirdos.”
She pats my shoulder. “That’s what they all say.”
A while later, we all decide to head back to Ashford, where we live during the school year and go to college.
We’re in Boston now only because of the holiday and Rian trying to build a relationship with Cil again—having basically abandoned him after Moira died.
My father did the same with me after my mom took her life, only he was never half the father Rian used to be to Cillian.
We get back to the house before Cillian and Ollie do. I immediately pack a bowl in the bong, me, Ash, Tiernan, and Dean smoking. We’re just finishing when the lovebirds get back.
As soon as they come in, Tiernan approaches Cillian. “Something changed.”
All of us know what he’s talking about—Rian.
“My dad and I came to an understanding,” Cillian replies.
“Good. That’s how it should be. But if he fucks up again, I’ll kill him,” Tiernan tells him, making us laugh.
T is a complicated person. He has this old soul, is into shit like reading classics, and doesn’t thrive on violence the way the rest of us do—well, except our sweet little bunny, of course.
But Tiernan will also never hesitate to get the job done.
He’s killed a lot of people, and he would have killed his own father if his mom hadn’t gotten to it first. He wouldn’t have chosen this life, but he respects it, likes the power of it, and is always in control of every situation.
He’ll never leave our family behind. It would be breaking every rule we have to kill Rian—his own uncle—but if push came to shove, he would for Cillian.
“Your mom…” Ash says, “she would have loved today.”
She’s right. Moira and Fia both are what a mom should be, what I know my mom wanted to be, if only she could’ve gotten out of the darkness.
“Yeah, she would have,” Cil replies. “She liked having a full house like that. She used to play for us when we were all together. Do you remember?”
She taught Cillian how to play the piano, and he loved it because it brought him closer to her, but also because he feels music on a similar level that T does with books. He stopped playing when she died and only started again because of Ollie. Bunny and I are the only two people he’s played for.
“We do have a piano…” I remind him.
“Oh my God. Yes,” Ash exclaims, excited. “You should play, Cil.”
“He plays the piano?” Dean asks.
“Did you think we just kept it there for good looks?” Tiernan teases.
“That makes more sense than one of you playing the fucking piano,” he deadpans, and we all laugh again. I get where he’s coming from. It’s not real Mafia of us.
I watch as Cillian’s intense blue gaze finds Ollie’s. Bunny nods, and I know Cil won’t let him down.
“One song,” he agrees. He goes to the piano bench, Ollie taking the seat beside him, and starts playing, but doesn’t stop after the first song, playing two more, his confidence and passion growing with each one.
He wouldn’t have gotten this back without Ollie, and silently, I thank our bunny for that.
I want Cillian to have everything good in this world.
Afterward, we have a quick drink, but I’m struggling to keep still. This day has been fucking with my head. I’ve been sitting around too long, and my brain has been spinning too fast. I need to get out of here. I need to fuck or fight.
When everyone heads to bed, I lie awake in my room. I’d put money on Cillian fucking Ollie right now, and thinking about that gets my dick hard. I’m not in the mood to pick a random fight, so sex it is.
I downloaded an app for men wanting to hook up with men not long ago.
I never touched a guy until Cil and I shared Ollie, and it was…
fucking incredible. Hands down the best sex I’ve ever had.
Not sure if that’s because the sex was just that good or because the person I love the most in the world was sharing with me the person he loves the most in the world.
I’ve been curious about it, though, and even more than that, I’ve been curious about taking a cock.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought about what it was like to see Ollie take Cil’s…
how much be begged for it, how much he clearly fucking loved it.
I’m always chasing a high, and that’s another one I want to taste.
It doesn’t take me long to find someone on the app. His name is José, and he has pretty brown skin, dark eyes, and—looking at the photos he shared with me—a big-ass cock. Leave it to me to find a monster for my first time. The thought makes an excited tremble race through me.
We agree to meet up at The Dove. It’s a hotel right outside Ashford, a place where people go for drugs and fucking. The name is a play on words—doves are supposed to symbolize peace, but the hotel is nothing like that. The cops leave it alone because we pay the cops to leave it alone.
Before leaving, I stop by Cillian and Ollie’s room, knocking softly. “It’s me.”
“Come in,” Cillian replies.
He’s in bed with Ollie. They’re in their underwear, something he doesn’t mind sharing with me. He’d cut out the fucking eyeballs of anyone else who saw Ollie like this, though.
“Wow. Nice welcome, but sorry, can’t hook up with the two of you tonight. I have plans.” I give Ollie my attention. “Do you have an extra box of the butt-cleaning stuff?”
“What?” Bunny’s eyeballs nearly fall out. “Oh my God! Why are you asking me that?”
“Because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how fucking blissed out you looked when Cillian was dicking you down.”
That earns a “Jesus, Ror” from Cillian.
“What? It’s true. Anyway, I’m curious about it. It looks fun. I found this guy on an app who wants to top me. We’re meeting up at a hotel in a bit, but I don’t want any surprises, ya know?”
Cillian rolls his eyes. “Under the sink.”
Ollie gets out of bed and follows me into the bathroom. “Are you sure?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. I should try it at least once.” Plus, if I just sit around tonight, I’ll explode. I need…something.
“Be careful, and if you change your mind, that’s okay. Oh, and your location is on, right?”
Ollie’s trying to take care of me in this way no one except Cillian ever has. Cil would never ask me something like this, though—he knows he doesn’t need to. Ollie, however, can’t stop himself. Before him, I would have thought it annoying, but it just makes me feel…loved.
“Our locations are always on for each other. I won’t change my mind, but if I do, I’m not doing shit. And if he doesn’t like it, I’ll shoot him between the eyes.” I lift my shirt and show him my gun.
“Oh…well, I’m not sure you should go that far,” Ollie says.
“I’ll be fine, Bunny. But I love that you care.” I kiss his temple, then bump fists with Cil before I dip.
I’m going to take some dick tonight, and maybe, just maybe, it’ll help me forget all my confusing thoughts.