Chapter Twenty-Three
Rory
The car is silent on the way home. Cillian’s driving, me in the passenger seat, Shai in the back.
I fucked up tonight, and there is no denying it.
I shouldn’t have been there without talking to T first. I shouldn’t have been there for something that has nothing to do with our family anyway, and I shouldn’t have had Shai with me on something like this.
But I just wanted to fix it for him, wanted to make his life a little easier.
Instead, I could have gotten him hurt, could have gotten him killed, and the end result is the one thing he asked me not to do—kill them.
I might not have pulled the trigger myself, but it’s my fault they’re dead.
I lost myself again tonight, first when I almost drowned Bruce, and I’m still lost, in that spot deep in my head that I struggle to get out of.
I hate that Shai’s seeing me like this, hate that it’s probably too much.
It would be for any sane person. Even Ollie hasn’t seen me like this, and I hope he never does.
Please, baby.
He’d called me baby tonight. It feels like another tangled thing in my head that I don’t know how to unwind. I liked it…fuck, I liked it, but am I supposed to like it? What does it mean that I like it? And why did he say it?
The second we pull up at the house, Ollie comes running out. Shai gets out of the back seat, and he’s there when I open the passenger door. I look up at him, knowing I should say something, but I can’t find the right words.
“Rory?” Ollie asks, standing a few feet behind Shai.
“He’s good, Kitten,” Cillian answers for me.
My gaze skitters away from Shai as I get out of the car and head into the house.
I can tell everyone is walking on eggshells, unsure what to say or do around me, unsure how I’ll react; if I’ll sink deeper into that place where it’s hard to reach me, or if I’ll explode and let everything out. I fucking hate this shit.
We go in, Dean bringing up the rear, locking the door behind us. Cillian is holding Ollie’s hand, the worry clear on Ollie’s face, even as he’s trying to hide it.
“I’m fine, Bunny,” I say softly.
What if I’d gotten Shai killed tonight? What if what he saw was too much? It’s not the same as roughing someone up outside a bar for some spare cash.
“Everyone just go to bed,” Tiernan tells us. “We’ll figure this all out tomorrow.”
I shove my hands into my pockets, try to make eye contact with Shai, but he’s not looking at me.
“You should stay with me and Ollie tonight,” Cillian tells me.
“No. Fuck that. He’s staying with me,” Shai argues, a sharper bite to his voice than I’ve ever heard before.
Cillian’s eyes turn into narrow slits. “You might be a new pet for him, but you don’t fucking understand him. You don’t understand us—all of us. You don’t know what he needs.”
“Maybe you don’t always know what he needs either! Or hell, maybe you do. I don’t fucking know, but he’s mine too. I can give him what he needs. I’ll figure it out.”
The room is quiet, everyone likely surprised at the way he’s challenging Cillian…for me.
Shai breaks the silence, his voice softer this time. “Maybe after all the shit we went through tonight, I need him as well.”
My head snaps up, and Cillian’s does the same. We’re both staring at Shai, my heart beating so loudly, I think it might burst through my chest. My head spins, or maybe it’s the room. I’m lightheaded and feel… What the fuck is it I feel?
Shai needs me? Because I fucked him up so bad tonight? But then, that doesn’t make sense, does it? None of it does, not really, but hell, maybe that doesn’t matter. What matters is he said I’m his and that he needs me.
I turn my head slightly, my gaze on Cillian.
As if feeling it, he looks my way, hand clasped tightly with Ollie’s…
At no time in my life would I ever say no to this, wouldn’t want to be with him, or him and Ollie, because he’s accepted me since the first time he set eyes on me.
He’s been my anchor ever since the moment Rian walked me into his house and I didn’t want to run away from him.
He was kind to me, took me under his wing right from the start.
Cillian’s caretaking nature with Ollie started with me.
“I’m going to my room with Shai,” I tell him, and like earlier today when we were shopping for panties, I see when another piece fits into place for Cillian, a part of a puzzle I still can’t see.
He nods slowly. “Okay…” And then after a pause, “That’s good.”
Is it?
I nod toward the stairs, Shai and I going up together. It’s not until we’re in my room, with the door closed, that he says, “I’m sorry.”
“What the fuck are you sorry for?” I try to pull my hoodie off and wince.
“Let me help you.”
His words are kind, and I shouldn’t be frustrated by them, but now that I’m coming out of it, they rub me wrong. “I’m not a fucking kid. I can take care of myself.”
“Stop being an asshole, Cherry.”
I cock a brow at him.
“Would you let me if I were Cillian?”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have any reason to be jealous of him.
It’s not…not like…” Like what? Saying that what’s between Cil and me isn’t like what’s between me and Shai feels like admitting something I can’t figure out how to say, something I’m still trying to acknowledge. “This. It’s not like this with him.”
“I’m not jealous. I’m glad you have him. I was just making a point.”
A sigh slips past my lips. The truth is, I would let Cillian help, but more because that’s how we’ve always been. It’s not easy to allow myself to trust someone new. Something about Shai makes me want to, though. “You can help, but first tell me why you’re sorry.”
“Because it’s my fault you were there. Because they knew I was the weaker link, and that’s why he came for me, and if I’d been paying better attention, you wouldn’t have had to try and help me, and you wouldn’t be hurt right now.”
“And they wouldn’t be dead either?”
“I don’t give a fuck about that—about them. I didn’t want shit to come down on you. That’s the only fucking reason I said not to kill them. I didn’t want you to have to do that for me.”
My eyes squint, forehead wrinkling up as I try to figure him out, to put more of those puzzle pieces together so I understand what’s going on. All that was about me? Was Shai’s worry for me?
“None of what happened tonight was your fault, Shai. I nearly drowned a man in front of you. I was…gone. I get in my head like that sometimes. Like I can’t get out of it, and I lose control.
” And the thing is, I don’t even regret it.
Not really. This is the life we lead. I’ve never had a problem with it until tonight.
“But I found you,” he says, stepping closer. “You let me find you, and I reeled you back in.”
It’s as if I’m outside my body, watching him doing this to someone else as he goes for my hoodie, but it’s my arms lifting, my head he pulls the hoodie over, so it must be happening to me.
He drops it to the floor, then goes for my T-shirt.
I let him take that off too, see that the black is almost gone from one of his nails.
“Your polish is messed up.” It might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever said.
“I can fix it,” he says with a small, cocky smile.
“But I found you. You let me find you, and I reeled you back in…”
He did find me, and I let him. In that moment, Shai’s voice, the way he called me baby, pulled me back from that place where most people can’t reach me.
“Are you going to finish taking off my clothes, or what?” I ask, feeling myself grin, something that just an hour ago had felt forever out of reach.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You’re the one who needs me,” I counter. “Your words, not mine.”
“Of course you’re gonna use that to your advantage.”
But he doesn’t deny it. Why isn’t he denying it?
He takes my hand and pulls me to the bathroom. “Think we can get cleaned up without getting your bandage wet?”
“If the prize is getting naked with you, you can get anything on me wet.”
“God, it’s so fucking hot how much you love my dick.” He presses my hand against the growing bulge between his legs.
“I’ve always been a slut, but you’ve turned me into a greedy slut with that thing.”
“My slut,” he says, and I get a zing of…hell, I can’t even describe it. I just know it feels good, so fucking good I want to capture it and hold on to it forever.
Shai turns on the water, then gets back to stripping me. My shoes, socks, pants, and underwear pile up on the floor, me stroking my half-hard cock, watching him get naked. What is it about him that turns me on so much? Why does he make me feel so…good, when I didn’t know that was possible.
Shai pulls me into the shower. The second we’re in there, my lips crush down on his.
I push him back against the shower wall, rut against him, demand control of his mouth, Shai’s hands moving to my ass, squeezing and playing while he lets me have my way with his mouth.
When I try to turn, easing us beneath the spray more, he puts a stop to it, positioning me so my injured arm is away from the water.
I chase his mouth again, but this time, Shai doesn’t let me catch it.
“Be good. Let’s get cleaned up.” Shai grabs my sponge, pumping soap into it, then washing my body. He kneels in front of me as he soaps my legs.
“You look pretty down there.” His hair has gotten wet, and instead of sticking up in every way possible, it’s flat against his head now. It’s no less sexy than at any other time. Shai is always fucking sexy to me.
“Why? Because I’m so close to this?” He strokes my hard shaft.
“Yesss,” I hiss, but unfortunately, he lets me go.
“Get your hand on me.”
“Be patient, Cherry. I’ll make you come later.”
Shai rinses me off, doing a better job than I would have thought at keeping my bandage as dry as possible, before he washes himself. I sit back and watch him, enjoy him leading this night, only speaking up when I want something.