Chapter Twenty-Five
Rory
In the three weeks since shit went down at Bruce’s place, things have calmed down. Shai stays at our house most nights, and when he doesn’t, when Kat needs him and he goes back to the trailer, I go with him.
I’m way too fucking obsessed with him to spend a night without him if I don’t have to.
I would literally never let him out of my sight if I could, which Cil teases me about, but he’s chill about Shai now.
The two of them get along well, and honestly, there’s nothing that feels better to me, nothing that fills me up the way it does to see Shai and Cillian spend time together, or hell, even Shai and Ollie.
It makes me feel…how do I put it…settled, in this way I never have before.
It’s confusing, but everything about me is, so I just go with it.
“Kat causing Shai any issues?” Cillian asks me as we drive home from school. While campus is close enough to walk, it’s too fucking cold this time of year.
“Fucking always. I feel bad for her. I know she loves him, but she’s shit at showing it, and half the time when I’m with her, I want to strangle her.”
Cillian chuckles. “It’s probably not a good idea to strangle your boyfriend’s mom.”
Which sucks. And probably makes me the world’s shittiest person.
Conan used his contacts to ensure things were straight after Bruce’s disappearance and that cops didn’t come sniffing, but we haven’t told Kat what happened to him or that the trailer belongs to them now. Shai’s scared she’ll fuck it up somehow.
“Can I ask you something?” I say, changing the subject.
“Always,” Cil replies.
“How did you know you loved Ollie?”
He quirks a brow. “You go from talking about killing Shai’s mom to that?”
“I don’t really want to kill her. I just want her to be better to him.”
He smiles. “I know you do.” Cillian pulls the car into our driveway but doesn’t drive down it, instead putting the car in Park. “So, love, huh?”
“I’m not saying I do,” I rush out. “I just…don’t get it. I watch you and Ollie together, and T and Dean—but mostly you and Ollie—trying to understand it, trying to figure it out, but I can’t.”
He frowns. “It’s not something you can just figure out. It’s not the same for everyone, and I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this.”
I shrug because he’s whom I want to answer it. “I trust you. I can feel how much you love Ollie when the three of us are together. I just can’t tell if that’s what I feel myself.”
“Okay. Let’s see.” He unclicks his seat belt and turns toward me.
“I don’t think you can rush it or force yourself to feel it or even realize you feel it.
Like with Ollie—and I told Shai this already; in a fucking car too, for that matter—I knew Ollie was different from the beginning, just didn’t get why. ”
“How did you make yourself get it, though?”
“I didn’t. It just happened. You can feel it before you acknowledge it, I think. And when you’re ready, when it builds up, so powerful that you can’t deny it anymore, then you just know.”
“I just know? You fucking suck at this,” I tease, and Cillian laughs.
“I told you I wouldn’t be good at it.”
But he is because what he said makes me feel better, like maybe I’m not quite as broken as I thought.
“I just worry I’m not like everyone else.
That I don’t feel shit the same way. I know I love you, Ollie, Tiernan, and Ash.
I think I love Dean because he makes Tiernan happy.
But that’s not the same as loving someone you fuck, someone who’s your boyfriend. What if I’m unable to do that?”
Cillian shakes his head. “You’re better at love than you think. For what it’s worth, I think you do love him, and you’re good to him, and when the moment is right, you’ll realize it.”
I groan. “I fucking hate waiting.”
Cillian laughs. “You’re an impatient fuck.”
He’s not wrong. “I want to love him.”
“Pretty sure you do.”
He puts the car in Drive, and a minute later, parks in front of the house. When we walk in, Ollie and Shai look up from where they’re sitting on the floor. Ollie has Shai’s guitar in his lap, and he grins.
“He’s teaching me to play,” Ollie says.
“Trying,” Shai corrects.
“Hey! I’m good!” Ollie counters.
“We’re working on it,” Shai adds.
Cillian walks over, kneels, and says, “You’re good at everything, Kitten.”
“Fucking gag,” I tease. I actually love how sweet and soft Cillian is with Ollie, but that’s just not me. Does Shai want me to be that way with him?
“You’re good at everything too, pet,” I say, testing the words.
“Um…you don’t have to say that to me. It’s weird.”
“Thank fuck.” I breathe out a sigh of relief, and everyone laughs.
“You guys can finish.” Cillian stands. “Wanna smoke?”
“God yes. Please yes. My class was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
“The worst thing?” Ollie pushes his glasses up his nose.
“Yes. It was torture.”
“You’re ridiculous,” Ollie says.
“I’d go to school if I could…like if I could afford it.” Shai reaches over and plucks the strings of the guitar on Ollie’s lap. “I didn’t realize it until recently.”
I…didn’t think about that. He hasn’t been given half the opportunities I have. “If you want to go to school, go to school.”
“Would I pull the money out of my ass?”
I grab the bong from the coffee table, then open the box of weed. “I have money.”
“Which is yours.”
“That’s what I tell Cillian,” Ollie says. “It doesn’t work with them.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not taking money to go to Ashford. It’s too expensive. And even if I had the money, I couldn’t get in.”
“We could fix that too,” Cillian says. “There’s not much we can’t do.”
“Nah, but thanks.” Something in his voice tells me he’d like it, though. “I didn’t even graduate high school. My mom…she didn’t make me go, and I didn’t think it was important.”
“We should study together so you can get your GED!” Ollie bounces like I often do. “If you want, I mean. No pressure, but if that’s something you want.”
“Wait,” I say. “He gets no pressure? Is that because I get all the pressure?”
“This isn’t about you,” Ollie tells me.
“Everything should be about me,” I joke, but look at Shai. “You should do it. He’s smart. He makes shit make sense.”
Shai nods, looking unsure, but then says, “Yeah, that’d be cool.”
“Perfect!” Ollie beams.
“What would you study?” Cillian asks. “In college?”
“Music,” Shai and I say at the same time.
Cillian finishes packing a bowl, then hands me the bong. I take a hit, holding the delicious smoke in my lungs. God, I love weed.
“Ror says you play piano too?” Cillian takes the bong from me.
“Yeah. Guitar is my first love, but the piano is something special as well.” Shai looks over at Cillian’s longingly. I warned him not to touch it. Cillian is very protective of his piano. “I’m not as good. Everything I know is self-taught.”
Cillian doesn’t respond right away, just takes a hit of the weed, letting it slowly out of his lungs. “You can play it,” he says. “Since we play nice now.”
“Since we play nice now,” Shai agrees, smiling at Cillian, then looking at me. When he does, his grin grows. I wink at him, my pulse doing this weird fluttering, and then Shai gives his attention to Ollie again, the two of them playing guitar while Cillian and I smoke.
When it’s dusted, we lean back against the couch, watching and listening. Shai’s a good teacher, and for someone who has never been taught anything about music, he seems to know his shit.
I don’t know how long we sit there together, the four of us, Shai with Ollie, my person with Cillian’s. How is it that I can know Shai is my person but still be confused about being in love with him? Maybe that’s all love is and I’m waiting for this lightning bolt to hit me that will never come.
Sometime later, the front door opens, and Ash comes in.
“Long time no see,” I tell her as she plops onto a chair.
“I’ve been with Zuri a lot.” She beams.
“When are you going to bring her around more?” Cillian asks. “We should get to know her better.”
“Why not tonight?” It’s been a while since we all hung out. We’ve slowed down on the parties this year, which I used to miss but didn’t realize until this second that I don’t really anymore. I haven’t thought about having one in a long time.
“A party?” Aislin asks.
“No. Just us,” I reply.
“Let’s do that! It would be fun! Do Dean and Tiernan have plans?” Ollie asks.
“Dean and Tiernan never have plans unless it’s doing each other.” Cillian chuckles, and I bump his knuckles because he’s right on.
“I’m down,” Cil says.
“Me too,” Ash replies. “Just…she doesn’t know…”
I’m fairly certain she does. Everyone does whether they want to admit it or not, but we also don’t go flaunting that shit, so Zuri is safe from all our secrets tonight.
“Pet?”
He shrugs. “I’m down for anything.”
It’s one of the things I like most about him.
Shai stands up, walks over, and I pull him down onto my lap. He comes easily, doesn’t hold back when I tug his head down so our lips can meet.
“The two of you are just as bad as Dean and Tiernan,” Cillian says.
“And you’re not?” I ask, my lips a breath away from Shai’s. Then to Shai, “Wanna play first?”
He bites his bottom lip. “Like I said, I’m down for anything.”
Aislin asks Ollie, “Do you want to go shopping with me to get some stuff?” and he agrees. Cillian goes with them, leaving the two of us alone.
“Run,” Shai tells me when the house is empty.
He wants to hunt? That’s always a good idea to me.