12. Chapter 12 #2
“You can’t want me, Ludiin,” Tarymn said eventually, his voice softer but no less cruel.
“It’s not real. It’s just because I was there for your first heat.
You caught my scent. That’s all this is.
You need to be around other alphas. Find out what you like.
You don’t even know if you like aggressive alphas or not.
You haven’t experienced the world, seen what’s out there.
Once you do, this… whatever you think you feel, it’ll fade. ”
“You want me to be with other alphas?” Ludiin asked, hollowly.
“Yes,” Tarymn said.
“Okay.”
“You’ll do it?”
Ludiin didn’t respond.
“Ludiin?”
“I don’t want to talk about other alphas right now,” he said, pressing his face into the pillow. “Not while you’re still inside me.”
His throat tightened as tears threatened. He gritted his teeth and held them back with everything he had.
He wasn’t going to cry.
“Ludiin, we can’t…”
Ludiin squeezed his ass, arching back into him to shut him up.
Tarymn groaned, then gripped his hips. For a second Ludiin thought he'd pull away, but he started to move, fucking him all over again.
And for the next four days, Tarymn dragged him into a whirlwind of unrelenting pleasure, until Ludiin no longer knew where he began or ended. Only Tarymn existed.
And Ludiin wished he could hold on to him a little longer. Just a moment more. But his heat ended, and Tarymn slipped away like a dream dissolving at first light. The emptiness he left behind ached worse than the soreness in Ludiin’s body.
Ludiin clutched the pillow, pressing it hard against his face as if he could muffle the ache swelling inside him. He wasn’t going to cry. He refused to.
“Ludiin?” came Luci’s muffled voice through the door accompanied by a slight knock.
Not now! Ludiin wanted to shout. He didn’t want company. He didn’t want to be seen like this, wrecked, aching.
But Luci was already inside, as always.
“You can’t just knock and waltz in,” Ludiin said, sitting up, voice tight with frustration. “What if I was with someone?”
“You mean Tarymn?” Luci asked, casually drifting toward the window. He flung it open, letting in a breeze that made Ludiin’s skin prickle. “I saw him leave.”
He left, just like that.
Ludiin threw the covers aside, a dull ache blooming in his chest at the thought of him leaving so easily. He couldn’t bear to stay in that bed a second longer. But just as he tried to rise, Luci gently pushed him back down.
“Here.”
“What is this?” Ludiin asked, accepting the pill Luci handed him.
“Something to make sure you don’t end up carrying Tarymn’s cub,” Luci replied without blinking.
Ludiin froze. His eyes widened, the pill heavy in his palm.
“Unless… you want his cub?” Luci added, more softly this time.
“No. I…” Ludiin’s voice cracked. “You knew?”
“Of course,” Luci said. “He helped you with your first heat. His scent was all over you.”
“Why didn’t you…?”
“Why didn’t I say anything? Why didn’t I give you the pill then?” Luci asked, lifting an eyebrow. “I don’t know.”
Ludiin shook his head, his heart pounding. He swallowed the pill with a bitter grimace.
“I can’t believe you just stood by. You could’ve helped me.”
“Helped you how?” Luci shot back, arms folded. “I tried, remember? I introduced you to all those alphas at your party. I introduced you to Baron. And you bolted just because things were difficult for you.”
Ludiin grimaced.
“That’s not the point,” Ludiin muttered. “Still… if you’d said something, maybe things wouldn’t have gone this far. I wouldn’t have…”
“Fallen for him,” Luci finished for him.
“Stop finishing my sentences.”
“Sorry.”
Ludiin looked down, arms tightening around himself. “And I didn’t fall for him.”
“Please. You look at him like he hung the twin moons or something,” Luci said with a small laugh.
“Honestly, I never thought you’d go near an alpha.
You’re always so nervous, so tense around them.
I figured… maybe this was your chance to have your own experience. Otherwise, you’d keep running forever.”
“You don’t think it’s weird.”
“He’s not really our brother, Ludiin.”
“I know, but…”
“But?”
“It’s just weird.”
“Do you actually feel that way?” Luci asked.
Ludiin’s voice dropped to a whisper. “He doesn’t feel the same. He said it’s not real. That I only want him because he was there during my first heat. That I caught his scent or something.” He looked up at Luci, desperate. “Do you think that’s true? That this isn’t real?”
“I don’t know,” Luci said, brows furrowed in thought. “It’s possible. There’s really only one way to be sure. You need to meet other alphas and…”
Ludiin shook his head immediately. “No. I don’t want other alphas.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true! He’s the only alpha I want!” Ludiin’s voice trembled, the words ripping out of him before he could hold them back.
“And it hurts. God, it hurts, because I know he’ll never want me.
My stupid heat makes it a thousand times worse.
I can’t stay away from him, no matter how hard I try.
If only there was a way to stop it. I don’t want to go through this again…
ever.” His throat tightened as hot tears welled up, spilling despite his desperate attempt to blink them away.
“Damn, Ludiin,” Luci murmured, folding him into a fierce embrace. “Don’t cry. Everything’s going to be fine.”
“No, it’s not!” Ludiin choked out, sobs breaking free. "I can't bear the thought of him rejecting me again."
“Come on, stop,” Luci coaxed softly, rubbing a hand along his back. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”
Ludiin shook his head, hot tears spilling freely down his cheeks, blurring his vision as he tried to hold himself together.
“Shhh,” Luci soothed, his voice lowering conspiratorially. “I know a way to stop your heat, Ludiin. Everything will be fine.”
“What?” Ludiin sniffled, dragging his hand across his damp face as he pulled back, wide-eyed. “There’s a way?”
“Yes.” Luci stood from the bed, already heading for the door. “Now get cleaned up and come downstairs. You need to eat something and get out of that bed.”
“Luci! You can’t just say that and walk away.”
“I’ll see you downstairs,” Luci called over his shoulder, disappearing through the door.
Ludiin groaned in frustration, then shot to his feet. He rushed through his bath, tugged on fresh clothes, and all but ran for the stairs. The thought of ending his heat forever was like a light in a very dark and depressing tunnel.
“How do I do it?” Ludiin demanded the second he stepped into the cooking station, the aromatic scent of food doing nothing to calm the restless churn inside him.
“Sit down and eat,” Luci replied without looking up.
“Fuck, Luci, quit stalling,” Ludiin growled impatiently. “I need something that will stop this madness. Now.”
Luci finally turned, setting a steaming cup of tea and a small leather satchel on the counter between them.
“I’ll give you this, but under one condition,” Luci said, his tone brooking no argument.
“You have to promise me you won’t back out when it’s time for you to go find an alpha for yourself.
You’re not drinking this for the rest of your life, Ludiin.
It’s just to get you through… whatever the hell is going on between you and Tarymn. It’s temporary.”
“I…”
“No arguments.” Luci’s voice cut like a blade. “Agree to this, or it’s not happening.”
“Fine. Fine…” Ludiin snatched up the cup, steam curling against his face, but Luci held his arm to stop him. “I’ll do whatever you say. Just give it to me.”
“No. Promise me, Ludiin.”
His jaw tightened. “Okay. I promise.”
Luci gave a curt nod. “You drink it every day from now on.”
“And I won’t go into heat?”
“Yes.”
“Good,” Ludiin muttered, lifting the cup to his lips. The tea was mild, with an herbal undertone that wasn’t so bad. “Why didn’t you give this to me before my first heat? I would’ve been happy never to go through it at all.”
“That’s not normal, Ludiin. And this is only temporary. Remember that.”
“Yeah… yeah…”
“I’m serious,” Luci pressed.
“Okay.” Ludiin dragged his plate closer and forced himself to eat, though every bite tasted like cardboard.
The door creaked open behind him, and he didn’t need to turn to know who had just walked in. His entire body reacted before his mind could catch up. His muscles tightened, pulse quickened, heat crawling under his skin.
Fuck.
He wished the tea could numb the damn feelings too.
Tension thickened the air, pressing down on Ludiin with crushing force, as if a giant hand had clamped over his chest, squeezing the breath out of him. He sat stiffly, every instinct screaming at him to run, but he forced himself to stay put.
I have to face this. There’s no escaping it.
They lived under the same roof, shared the same air. They couldn’t tiptoe around each other.
The tea would fix things anyway.
He won’t touch me again, Ludiin told himself, though the thought made his chest ache.
He exhaled slowly, pushing the feeling down where he couldn’t feel it. Still, the urge to cross the room and sink into Tarymn’s arms clawed at him, just to hold him, one last time. Instead, his fingers dug into the edge of the table, nails leaving faint half-moons in the wood.
Why did it have to be like this?
Silence stretched, taut and heavy.
“I’m gonna go… and…” Luci mumbled, awkwardly backing toward the door before slipping out, leaving them alone.
“Are you okay?” Ludiin asked after a beat. “You were gone when I woke up.”
“I’m fine. Just needed some air.” Tarymn stepped closer to the table, his fingers brushing over Ludiin’s before he took the cup of tea and lifted it. He sniffed, brows knitting. “What are you drinking? I’ve never smelled this before.”
“It’s… nothing. Just tea.” Ludiin reached for it quickly, swallowing the rest in one long gulp before carrying it to the sink.
“And this?”
Ludiin turned to see Tarymn holding the small satchel Luci had left behind. His gut twisted. He considered lying, but Tarymn would find out sooner or later.
“It’s tea leaves. To stop my heat.”
Tarymn froze, studying him as if weighing every word. “Is that what you want? To stop your heat?”
“Yes.” Ludiin took the satchel back, clutching it to his chest. “Weird things happen when I’m in heat. I don’t like it. It’s… better this way.”
They stared at each other for a tense moment. Ludiin looked away unable to hold his stare.
“I’m going to my den,” Ludiin murmured, moving toward the door.
“Ludiin?”
He stopped, pulse hammering in his ears. “Yeah?”
“I didn’t mean to pressure you. I was only trying to help.”
“I know, Tarymn.”
“Okay.”
Ludiin slipped out, each step heavier than the last. His chest ached, but he told himself this was the right thing to do. This way, they could be nothing more than stepbrothers. A family. And not whatever tangled thing they’d been drifting toward.