32. Darcy
THIRTY-TWO
DARCY
“Wait. Where are the horses?”
I peer out into the blinding sunlight, my head killing me for a different reason than it did a few days before.
“Ah, they got brought in,” Bri squeaks next to me.
I narrow my eyes at her. “You?”
She looks sheepish. “Yes?”
“Jake?”
“Also maybe yes?”
I groan. “Why are you on his side?”
“Because I’m going to be real and say I hate Rob for being a shit to you. Even though I know you can fight your own battles,” Bri’s ahead of the game because her finger is already in my face to shut down my objections. “And you do fight them, and I recognize that, but Jake was trying to give you a little peace. And I’m sorry, but a man who’s willing to protect your peace, Darcy?”
She shrugs and stares at me like I’m supposed to get it. “But the control,” I say.
“I know,” she concedes. “It’s not great.”
“I know that,” I sniff. “That’s why I’m still mad.”
And just like that, I’m starting my day pissed off. “Fuck it. Let’s go for a trail ride before it gets hot.”
* * *
“Isn’t that the one that tried to kill you?” Bri says, eying Cane warily.
“Let’s not think about it. Come on. Quit stalling. It’s going to get hot fast.”
We ride off past the pond to the trail that leads through the holler and up into the mountain. Cane hasn’t been ridden enough this summer, and it shows. He’s twitchy. I look back at Bri and Freckle jogging along behind us.
I flick my head at Bri, then click my tongue at Cane. “Alright, buddy. Show me what you got.”
Cane breaks into a lope until the path runs out. I slow him down so we can duck into the woods and climb the mountain. Running through dense brush is not advisable. We come to a clearing with some random sandstone boulders, a place we’ve come to sit before. It’s height of summer green, the lush shades so vibrant and varied no number of paint chips could capture it. I tie Cane to a tree, and Bri does the same with Freckle, giving her neck pats when she gets down.
“You’re still frowny,” Bri says, wiggling my shoulder.
Something’s been on my mind since I fought with Jake at the market yesterday, and I don’t know how to feel about it.
My gaze is on my feet, my knees folded under my chin. “He said I was abused, Bri. I can’t get it out of my head. He doesn’t know exactly what happened, just what I’ve told him.”
Bri’s hand lands between my shoulders. “Do you think you were abused?”
I sigh, fighting a case of bubble guts and heat behind my eyes. “I don’t know. It’s hard to say. Do you think I was?”
Bri sucks a deep breath and lets it out, competing with the birdsong around us. “You weren’t not abused.” Her hand pats my back. “He was hard on you, Darce.”
“Part of me thinks I’m just being dramatic. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was and I’m just playing the victim.”
Bri uses a stick to draw shapes into the rock, a pale brown trail going into the surface. “I think he did a lot of gaslighting. He wants you to think you’re being dramatic. He wants you to think you’re overblowing it so he can keep doing what he was doing. But controlling you by telling you what to wear, how to be, when to work out, and then interfering with your job, that’s pretty serious.”
I rest my head on my knees. “I just never thought it would be me, you know? I don’t want to wear that badge. It was almost a blow to my ego to hear Jake say that.”
“Darcy, it’s not your fault. You know that, right? That’s never your fault.”
I start to cry. “I should have been stronger. I should have seen it coming.”
Bri’s sweaty arm comes to rest around my shoulder and she leans her head against mine. “You can’t see it when you’re in love.”
“It’s hard for me to see Rob as a bad person,” I sob.
Bri sighs. “I don’t think he meant to do it. He’s messed up, you’re messed up, we’re all messed up in our own special ways. We’re all just trauma bags in skin suits wandering around this world looking for solace.”
I chortle and sniffle, wiping my tears. “Wow, that’s optimistic.” I blow out a breath. “I shouldn’t be with anyone at all right now. I’ll do the same thing again. Become a human barnacle, shift my personality, and lose sight of my own needs and dignity.”
Bri folds her knees up too, resting her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand. “My thoughts?”
I chuckle. “I guess. I think you’re going to give them regardless.”
“Let Jake love on you, Darcy. Let him be nice to you. If the vibes go off the rails, then you can back out. You don’t have to commit the rest of your life right now. But if you’re interested in having sex and getting cuddled and wollered? * around and having someone adore you, and it sounds like you are, then just enjoy this summer. When is this going to happen again?”
I puff air out my lips. “It’s hard for me to not get attached. I start planning forever.”
She nudges me. “Just this once, try not to. Be here. And tell him how you feel.”
“Sounds terrifying,” I jab.
“Oh, probably. But what do I know? I’m just out here sleeping with couples apparently.”
My eyes round and I turn to face her fully. “You had fun, right? Don’t be hard on yourself.”
Bri continues making an X with her stick into the rock. “It was fun. But I was kinda jealous of what they have, you know? They were secure enough in what they feel for each other to bring me in. I want that. I don’t even need somebody who wants to share. I just want that tight bond. I want a Jake for me, who would carry me in the house when I drink too much and clean my feet?—”
“Okay, wait, what?” I hold up a hand and shake my head. “First things first. Yes, I want all those things for you too, and I don’t think you screwed up in hooking up with Stone and Becca if it helped you learn what you want. You’re ready for more and you wouldn’t know that unless you went home with them.”
“That’s true. Sunny side up and all that.” She chuckles. “I bet you want to know more about when your man scooped you out of the grass like some bodice ripper cover and whisked you away to your bed.”
“Like a bodice ripper cover?” I laugh. “Was he wearing a torn-open white shirt? Did his hair magically get longer and the wind came along to rustle it?”
“Not quite, but it was really sweet. He like, got a warm washcloth and cleaned grass off your feet, even though you were crabbing at him.” She pauses. “I get why you’re mad at him, Darcy, and only you can decide if it’s a deal-breaker. But I like him. He brings out the best in you instead of covering you up.”
“Oh my god, save that for our fanfic! Can we write tonight, or are you having Becca sleep over after the barbecue?”
She sticks out her pinky. “Let’s write. Becca’s for this weekend. You’re for always.”
I link my pinky with hers and we each kiss our thumbs. “You’re my always too.”
* ? Wollered: rolled around, wallowed