35. Darcy
THIRTY-FIVE
DARCY
I’m dragging ass going upstairs, Maggie having just harassed me to go crawl in bed with Jake.
Which . . .
Might not be the worst idea.
On the surface.
She doesn’t know everything that’s gone down with us and I don’t feel like explaining it to her. I’m too tired.
Brianna beat me upstairs because I hear the shower running. The problem is, I want a nap, but the bathroom calls and I don’t feel like using the one in the hallway. I knock on my bedroom’s bathroom door. “Bri, I’m coming in.”
She sounds alarmed when she says, “‘Kay!”
I flop down on the toilet, propping my chin on my fist on my knee. “It’s so fucking hot,” I whine.
“Yeah, ugh, totally,” Bri says a little too enthusiastically.
The details start to add up when I look at the floor: two pairs of shorts with underwear inside them, two hair ties, a bra, and a shirt Bri wasn’t wearing.
I roll my lips between my teeth and take a dare. “Becca?”
There’s a giggle from the other side of the shower curtain. “Yeah, boss?”
“This place is fucking Love Island,” I moan, flushing when I stand so they get a blast of hot water. “Oops!”
“You bitch!” Bri shrieks.
“Lucky for you, I’ve got earplugs and I’m going to take a nap. But remember my entire family is downstairs.”
“We’re being quiet,” Bri protests. “I’m not about to upset Bill with my gayness.”
“That’s not something I’m worried about.” I sigh. “How’s Stone feel about all this?”
“He likes when I feel good, no matter who’s driving the truck,” Becca sings.
“You know what? I love that for you. That’s pretty sweet,” I say. Becca responds with a barely-stifled moan. “Okay, well, don’t let me keep you. Have fun.”
I step into the bedroom considering the irony that my friends are fucking in my shower like it’s nothing and I’m declining a nap with Jake.
Perhaps I really am too uptight.
* * *
Bri and Becca finished their shower with a nap in the hammock outside, and I finished my nap with a shower.
With a fresh dress on and my hair washed and air drying, I step back outside. Most of my family is scattered between the orchard and setting up for dinner, and I know Maggie would have my head if I tried to help too much with dinner. She made it clear that I need to take it easy, especially after working myself sick this week.
I let my feet take me where they will and end up at the dock by the pond. I slip off my socks and boots and skim my feet over the water, too short to fully submerge them and stay out of the sun.
My mind wanders, absorbing the last five weeks of my life. Breaking off my engagement. Leaving Raleigh. Leaving an entire life behind.
The aftermath.
I don’t want to dwell on it too long, though. What I have around me, here and now, is beautiful. My cousins are working on building a fire for s’mores. A cheer sounds when one of my toddler cousins swings a bat at a tee and makes contact. I hear the vague echoes of Bill’s voice, comparing RV specs with my dad.
If I stay here, this could be life.
Steps thunk on the dock and a familiar voice comes from beside me. “Mind if I join you?”
Jake stands further down the dock, changed from his earlier shorts and t-shirt into his usual boots, jeans, hat, and t-shirt. His legs look so long from where I sit on the ground. “Nah, come on over.”
He sits, pulling his boots off by the heel and hanging his hat on a dock peg. He cuffs his jeans so they don’t get wet. His feet have no issue going under the water. “Your legs are a little longer than mine.”
“They are,” he agrees, then hesitates, eying me sidelong. I have a feeling he’s not interested in small talk.
“Have a good nap?”
“Yeah. You?” He swishes his feet through the water, watching ours side by side.
“Yeah. Becca and Bri were banging in my shower, though.”
Jake coughs a laugh, then pinches his temples. “Wait, what?”
“Uh huh. I guess the bar night was successful and they were having another round after picking this morning.”
Jake looks a little stunned. “And Becca’s boyfriend?”
“Likes Becca to feel good any way possible,” I finish.
Jake bobs his head. “That’s . . . really generous. I’m impressed. Good for them.”
I shrug. “That’s what I said.”
There’s another beat of silence, Jake’s focus going to my knees. His voice is strained when he says my name. “Darcy, I’m really sorry for talking to Rob and blocking his number when you didn’t want me to. I shouldn’t have messed with your phone.”
The mention of Rob’s name makes me stiffen. I squeeze my eyes shut. I want to forgive Jake. I should. He goes on.
“I see how what I did wasn’t what you needed. I thought I was saving you some grief, but you didn’t want that.”
I huff a morose laugh. “Oh, I want that. I’d love to be free of him. But cutting off his lines of communication probably made everything worse. I have this ominous sense of dread like he could show up anytime, anywhere.” I shake my head. “And that happened because you tried to control things on your own when it’s my life that gets affected. I’d even said I couldn’t block him earlier and you seemed to get it.”
Jake shifts his weight onto his hands behind him. “I know. I should have talked to you about it and gotten your permission.”
I struggle to swallow around the lump in my throat. “He went through my phone. He always claimed to be doing something else, but he was looking for evidence that I cheated or talked shit about him.”
Jake cusses under his breath. “I’m sorry. For what I did and that he put you through so much hell. That makes what I did worse.”
I lean more toward him. “I know you meant well.”
“It doesn’t matter what my intentions were. I did something that hurt you.”
I pitch forward, pressing into my hands and hunching my shoulders while looking over at him. “You know what really sucks about this? I think you’re genuinely a nice guy, but I’ve been jerked around so much that I don’t know what’s sincere anymore. I don’t know if you’re just saying sorry to appease me, or because it’s what you’re supposed to say, or because you want to play some trick so I’ll keep hooking up with you.”
Jake flattens his lips into a line, the sympathy in his expression both a comfort and something I wish didn’t have to exist. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. “Maybe you need more time. And that would be okay. I can wait.”
My throat feels thick and I shake my head to clear it. “We don’t have that much time. You’ll be back to school and life and I don’t know what I’ll be doing.”
He whistles. “I don’t know what I’m doing either. We’re not so different, you know. You and I, we’re just two dandelion seeds floating on the breeze, looking for somewhere to land. Grow something beautiful. Get up when we’re ready and do it all again.”
I snap to look at him more directly. “That’s a good one. You’d think you’re the one with the MFA.”
He snorts. “That one’s on the house. If you’re nice, I’ll let you use it.”
“If I ever write again,” I say.
Jake looks at me more seriously. “You will. When you’re ready. Your parents think it should be now.”
“Ha. That was rich. It’s so easy for them to be all whimsical and ‘pursue your dreams’ when they don’t have to make ends meet.” I sigh, shaking my head. “They both have pretty juicy retirement funds. I don’t expect them to support me financially, but they had their high-paying jobs that let them retire like this.”
“Maybe they want you to be able to have more fun than they did.”
I tip my head to the side. “Probably, yeah. But it doesn’t change the facts. Writing alone doesn’t pay the bills.”
Jake’s eyes are soft. “What’s wrong with doing something just because you love it? Does everything have to make money?”
“Well, no, but getting an expensive master’s degree in something that doesn’t make money wasn’t the wisest thing. And they were the ones who pushed me to do it, without offering to bankroll it.” I close my eyes, sucking in the scent of sweetgrass, sunshine, and the muddy bank of the pond. “I know I sound spoiled and entitled, but it’s not quite that.”
“No, I get it,” he says. “They encouraged you to be a kid without giving you the environment to do it.”
I point at him. “You want to take over as my therapist? Because way to hit the nail on the head.”
“I try,” he says, nudging me with his elbow.
Our silence is filled by cicadas whirring, peepers peeping, the soft murmur of my family talking, and an occasional guitar chord where my cousin’s getting ready to play by the campfire. I swish my feet over the water, taking in the peaceful scene of my family just being together. I toss my hair and lean back to rest my pinky against Jake’s.
“What if this is it? What if everything we’re chasing after is right here? Sharing food and telling stories. Campfires and Wiffle Ball. Dipping our feet in the pond.” I wet my lips, scraping my teeth over them. “All we get told is if we want to be successful, we have to leave. So we spend our lives getting ready to go do something bigger and better, to be able to provide for ourselves and our families. But now I’m afraid I’ve had it all backwards this whole time. What if all this, the thing I was running from on the promise of something bigger—what if this is what it’s all for?”
Jake’s gaze bounces around, taking in our surroundings: the pond, my family, the mountains, the joy for the sake of it. His smile is soft when his eyes return to me. “Then I think this is a pretty good life.”
I chew my bottom lip. “We’re told ‘better’ is somewhere out there. Why did I spend so long running away, when I should have been running here as fast as my legs could carry me? How stupid was I?”
Jake puffs out his bottom lip. “Not stupid. Never stupid.”
I laugh. “Well, some things were pretty stupid.”
Jake lifts a shoulder. “Stupid led you back here. You wouldn’t know what you were missing if you hadn’t gone out there.” He looks me over again, and I take stock of his features like if I don’t count them, I’ll lose them: delicate hazel brown eyes with a dark ring around the iris, tan skin, crow’s feet, chiseled cheeks finished in impossible dimples. “I ran too. But if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be sitting here on this dock, in this holler, between these mountains, with you and your wonderful family. And even if I did stupid things while I was out there, those things are worth it to be here now.”
Tears pinch behind my eyes, not the big boohoo kind, but the kind you get when you’re touched. “I wish we could have gotten here without all the heartache.”
“We all do. But it’s all part of the ride.”
My cousin starts playing a Keith Whitley ballad on the guitar, adding more sweetness to the moment. But I’m not finished exploring everything my mind’s turning over.
“I can’t shake the feeling that I didn’t try hard enough out there. That I failed somehow by ending up back here, and to succeed I’ll have to leave again. But I’m getting to place where,” the realization is sudden and aggressive, “I don’t want to go.”
Jake’s unbothered smile is back. “I don’t think you failed. I like to think we’re in exactly the right place right now.”
“Even if that has some painful consequence?” I ask.
Jake’s warm hand surrounds mine and squeezes. “Even so.”
I grin and pull my hand away to tuck some curls behind my ear. The longer Jake looks at me, the hotter my cheeks get.
And I’m not alone in that. A dusty rose color comes to Jake’s cheeks too. “I’d kiss you, Darcy, but I think your entire family is watching.”
I honk a laugh and scrunch my nose. “They absolutely are. Normally, I’d let them see. I’m a grown adult. I’m allowed to kiss who I want.”
Jake draws closer, his lips hovering where he can murmur in my ear. “Why aren’t you then?”
I smirk. “Because you’re still on probation.”
“What?” he gasps. “We just had this nice talk, Darcy!”
“Shouldn’t have cheated at baseball, cowboy.”
His jaw falls open. “This is outrageous and offensive. I didn’t cheat.”
I flip some water at him with my toe.
“Hey! This is bullshit!” he argues. “I hope you’re ready to get wet, boss. I’ve got bigger feet and longer legs.”
I squeal and jump up, grabbing my boots and running down the dock.
Jake’s on my heels in seconds, catching me by the waist like he did while we played baseball. I thrash against him, refusing to accept defeat. “I’ll throw you in that pond,” he says calmly in my ear. “Unless you call a truce.”
“Truce!” I shout when he digs his fingertips into my side.
“So you admit I did nothing wrong,” he says as he sets me down. I feel wild looking up at him, knowing my hair’s everywhere and I’m flushed all to hell.
“I didn’t say that. I said ‘truce,’” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Does truce mean I get my kiss now?”
I stop, his hands swallowing up my waist. I lick my lips and smile up at him, my arms looped behind his neck. He’s got me all wrapped up, his muscle pressing against me the ultimate security. His touch says he’s got me, even if he’s being a bit of a scamp. Just yesterday, I doubted whether Jake was safe for me. Now I can tell he is.
There’s something really wonderful about that.
Our faces inch closer together, and I could pass out from the affection in his eyes.
And yet, it’s time he got a little pestering back.
I kiss the tip of his nose. “Still on probation, cowboy.”
A tiny “no” escapes him as I leave his grasp, his fingers reaching for me. I peek back at him over my shoulder, catching how annoyed he’s pretending to be. “Hope I can get back in your good graces someday, boss.”