50. Darcy
FIFTY
DARCY
Jake meets me in the mudroom, a broad smile lighting his face. “Hey!”
“Hi,” I grin up at him from where I tie my sneakers. He kneels in front of me, not so differently from when he rescued Stormy, and clutches the side of my face for a kiss.
“Missed you last night,” he says as we pull apart.
My smile is soft. “Missed you too. How’s the new place?”
Jake’s here to grab the last of his stuff from the cabin, and have a date with me. Before Landon called, this was going to be fun. Before Maggie and Bill offered me the farm, this was going to be the best.
“You wanna stay over and find out?”
“I’ll have to clear it with my mom and dad,” I tease, even though my overnight bag sits packed at my feet.
“For god’s sake, Darcy,” Maggie moans from around the corner. “Go sleep over at your boyfriend’s house. You’re a grown woman.”
“What about Stormy?” I ask.
“She can shack up with us.” Maggie’s face pops into the doorway and she extends her arms to hug Jake. “Good to see ya again, big guy.”
Jake stoops to hug her, and I realize that’s part of how he hugs me too. He has to stoop to make himself smaller to reach me at my height. Something about the movement itself is endearing: this big man making himself small to show affection. There’s no doubting it: Jake’s a big boy. There’s nothing wrong with a short king, but there’s something to be said about feeling safe in my big boy’s arms. Jake picks up my overnight bag and taps my lower back to usher me out the door.
Jake is comfort and security. Familiar. The thrill of travel and the comfort of coming home after a long day. That’s him.
That thought haunts me as his big hand rests on my thigh while we drive to Huntington. His shoulder that’s perfect for resting my head. How wonderful his body always feels against mine.
And yet I’m still rattled. I could have the farm. I could have my old job back, maybe even the promotion I missed. But if I take either of those things, I don’t get the man sitting next to me.
* * *
“Come on in.” Jake holds my hand tight while he flips on the lights in the robotics lab. “Anybody here?”
I giggle, an attempt to have fun despite being torn up inside. “Probably not if the lights were off.”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t want to scare anybody who likes to work in the dark.”
I survey my surroundings, taking in a few workstations and a number of things that look like robots in progress. In one corner, I see a fake tree with a tall machine next to it. I point to it. “That one yours?”
“Yep. That’s the picker.”
I walk up to it like it’s a sculpture in a museum, hands behind my back. Jake’s standing nervously by, watching my reaction. “Wow. So how does it work?”
“Well, I was supposed to be able to use it before peach season ended, but that didn’t work out. That one stupid part still isn’t here. But I’ll show you the rest.”
Jake opens a door to show me the control panel and talks me through its operation. I’m no expert, and I knew Jake was smart, but I didn’t know he was this smart. Here I’ve been using my quick wit for marketing and fanfic, and he uses it for machines to make the world better.
“And you’ve just been working on this over the summer?”
He tips his head from side to side. “More or less. Drew up the plans in the spring, built it this summer so it wouldn’t mess with my teaching and course load this fall. Wanted to be able to focus and hopefully graduate on time.”
I shake my head, eyes welling. “You are so fucking smart.”
He chuckles, crossing his arms over his chest. “Thank you.”
His intelligence isn’t an issue in our relationship, but his intelligence in this location where there’s not much chance of him becoming gainfully employed is. We don’t need two of us to have wasted master’s degrees. He’s wasting his time with me. He’s destined for bigger things.
And I’d just hold him back. Keep his brilliance from the world.
Unless I went back to Raleigh. He’d probably be able to get a job there, but even though I miss things about life there, I don’t think that’s what I want anymore. Does that make me selfish?
I work around the lump rising in my throat to speak. “So you can’t turn it on until the last part comes?”
“Allegedly first week of September.”
I smile up at him. “Can I come see when you turn it on?”
Jake looks touched and reaches for my hand. “I’d love that. It’s been weird having two very different lives all summer. One’s far more frustrating than the other. But I’m glad to share it with you now. It’s kind of surreal having you here.”
I’m scrambling for things to say that aren’t you should break up with me . “So this is where you are when you’re not with me.”
Jake nods, looking around. “About to be here a whole lot more. But just a few months. Then I’ll graduate.”
I furrow my brow. “Then what?”
He pulls me into his side and kisses the top of my head. “Still floating on the breeze, boss. We’ll land where we land.”
Wait, is he going to dump me first? Here I am thinking I need to let him go, and he might already know that. He could be just hanging onto me for the convenience, with plans to dump me before New Year’s.
I thought he was ready to put down roots.
But I also don’t want him to be ready to do that. I don’t want to rob him of the best years of his life.
Silence has fallen between us, and I wrap my arms around Jake’s middle.
“So, this will make life easier for your mom?”
“That’s the idea,” he says, his hand traveling idly up and down my arm. “And for your family.”
My family? Not me and my family? Does he think I’m going wherever he’s going?
I should ask him. I should get all of this out of the way. But I don’t want to ruin anything. He hasn’t asked me to go where he goes, and that would be a big assumption for him to make.
Hell, I’m making big assumptions right now.
How do you become one of those people who’s chill about everything? If there’s some pill you can take or book you can read, I want it.
Jake’s been talking and I haven’t been listening. He toys with my hair, twisting a curl around his finger. “You alright?”
I force a smile. “Yes. Proud of you. I knew you were bright, but I don’t know. It’s cool to see it in person. Real. A whole part of your life I didn’t know.”
His hazel eyes flick between mine. “I want you to be part of all the parts of my life. And I want into yours.”
I shrug. “You’ve seen it all. Not much to see anymore.”
A little stitch forms between his brows. “Does that make you sad?”
I twist my lips and rub at my forehead. “I’m really not sure. Didn’t sleep very good last night.”
Jake cradles the back of my head, letting his fingers slip into the curls at my nape. He suspends his lips over mine. “Sounds like you needed me.”
We kiss, his lips soft as they stroke mine. I’m fundamentally bummed out. Jake’s kisses used to be an escape, a place to find solace, a place of pure joy. Now I wonder how many more I’m going to get, to be entitled to. I wonder how soon I’ll be another girl he left behind.
We go back to his place and don’t talk much. Clothes come off. He takes me into a bedroom where for the first time, a month and a half into our relationship and a summer since we’ve been headed for each other, I see his bed. Jake’s intense, his dirty talk leaning more toward worship this time. There’s a certain desperation in his thrusts, the curl of his hips, his constant rain of kisses. He’s adoring me as much as ever, and that almost hurts more.
Don’t leave me. Don’t lose me.
And I don’t want it to be the last time. But it feels like it is.