Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
T he morning we planned to set up in front of the Lobster Tail for a preview ahead of our grand opening, I stood on the dark planks of the boardwalk in front of the bakery. I could see the warm glow emanating through the front-end, coming from the kitchen. Jared was inside prepping. Somehow, as I stood debating giving up entirely, I both desperately wanted to be around him while also never wanting to see him at the same time. It didn’t make any sense. It left me angry with myself as a walking contradiction. I couldn’t put stupid feelings or romantic drama ahead of my goal.
I had spent my life coming up with excuses to put off action. Avoiding risk. I always told myself that my parents needed me too much. Or I was too busy. Or I didn’t have enough money (which was true, but I could have taken out a loan). All of it felt like trivial bullshit now. A defense built up by my low self-esteem to protect myself from real feelings. One day, I hoped t his nonsense with Jared would feel the same way. So long as I could keep my hands off him long enough to bake.
The kitchen was quiet, somber, as I walked in without music or sunlight to create the ambiance that it had the last time Jared and I had been there together. Jared wore a serious expression of furrowed brows as he moved quickly through the kitchen. A nod in my direction was his only greeting.
I swallowed down my anxiety. More work had been done since I had been there last. The new equipment gleamed in the newly installed overhead lights. I had seen the budget, so I knew just how expensive all of it had been, and it certainly looked the part of high-end, state-of-the-art kitchen. That quiet little voice that told me I wasn’t good enough got just a little bit louder. Hopefully, I didn’t make a fool of myself when I tried to figure out how to operate it all—there was that negative voice chiming in again. How did people silence that? Did some people just not have it at all?
Once again, I wished for the old Jared back. The carefree one that was quick to crack a joke. Maybe he had been right when he said we complimented each other. Both of us couldn’t take ourselves too seriously and darken the whole mood. And I certainly wasn’t up for cracking a joke, so it had to be him. But how did we go backward? All I had wanted all along was to wipe that grin off his face, but now all I wanted was for it to come back.
I unpacked my groceries. I didn’t dare put the cold stuff in the walk-in. I would have to use it before it spoiled in the heat of the kitchen. With the new equipment, we weren’t forced together in front of a tiny cooktop. We had a giant kitchen with several stoves and ovens and counters all around the room. I could find my own little corner and hardly even cross his path.
I settled into a spot and got to work, trying my best to put Jared’s presence out of my mind. It wasn’t easy, but eventually, as the reality of the preview approaching in a few hours and the gravity of the situation came into view, I found my own rhythm.
“We should talk.” His deep voice startled me out of my concentration.
I looked up from the cupcake I meticulously decorated with blue swirl butter cream in the shape of an ocean that would then be adorned with starfish shaped chocolate. He wasn’t looking at me. He hadn’t even paused what he was doing.
“No, we shouldn’t. We should just prep,” I said. A tense knot that had been slowly growing in my stomach released once he broke the silence. This was much more comfortable footing. I liked being in a position to say no rather than wondering and worrying what his thoughts were in painful silence.
He stopped what he was doing and crossed the room so quickly I could barely register it before he was right in front of me. I craned my neck up to see the intense expression on his face. Suddenly, all I could do was stand there like a deer in headlights, watching him. He ended only inches from me. I backed up until my ass hit the counter, but still he closed the distance, his body pressing against mine .
“Is that what you really want?” He was like a different person from the man I thought I knew. His intensity was like a caged animal ready to turn feral at the first sign of freedom.
“I…” I didn’t want to just go back to prepping. I didn’t really know what I wanted at all. I thought of PotatoBake888 on the other side of a screen, always there for me. I thought of Jared with his effortless smile and expert hands. And I thought of my bakery. All I felt was overwhelmed and confused. At my hesitation, his hand wrapped tightly around my hip. I yipped in surprise as he pressed his body against mine and lifted my ass onto the counter. Oh my god, what was he doing? And why wasn’t I stopping him?
He moved his hips between my thighs, and I moaned involuntarily when I felt the hard length of him pressed against my shorts and panties. He tangled his free hand in my hair as I tilted my head back against the wall.
“What do you want, Jenna?” He spoke quietly against my neck, his breath bringing goosebumps along my skin.
In that moment, all doubt dissipated, and I wanted the thin fabric of our clothes to melt away so I could feel the smooth roundness of his head pressed against my opening. My whole body ached, and it took all my willpower not to grind my hips against him. He shifted his hips slightly, creating friction between my thighs that lit my whole body on fire. Nothing made sense. My burning desire felt traitorous to the rational goals and fantastical dreams I had worked toward.
“We can’t,” I whispered although part of me wished he wouldn’t listen. That he would insist and keep going so I didn’t have a choice in the matter.
But of course, Jared wasn’t like that. He pulled away so quickly I felt like he took a piece of me with him. I tried to collect myself and catch my breath, but I must have looked like a mad woman.
“You are right. I am sorry. I never should have crossed a line. I know how important this bakery is to you. We have a preview to get ready for. I won’t bother you again,” he said.
It occurred to me that he took my “no” as a rejection. I guess it kind of was even though it didn’t feel that way to me. If he had known just how hard it had been for me to say no. How my body still felt the heat and desire of being near him, he would understand it wasn’t a rejection at all, but self-preservation. I finished prepping for the preview in a numb daze, unsure of anything at all, especially my own desires.
The scariest thought of all was that part of me, a very loud part, had been ready to throw it all away for Jared.