CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE
Hendrix
“M omma, the sun tea is done.”
“That’s not possible. It should have an hour more yet,” she calls from inside the kitchen. But the liquid in the container looks dark brown from where I stand so I move toward the front wall of her postage stamp-sized yard to check it.
She’s always liked it to steep until it’s ridiculously strong. I prefer mine on the lighter side.
“It’s awfully dark already,” I say, and then freeze when I look up to see Jase standing there.
I do a double take.
He’s in dark jeans and a white V-neck shirt. A hat is pulled low over his face, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, and his expression is one of pure misery mixed with hope.
Jesus.
I’m sucker-punched, seeing him standing in front of me, in a place that’s the complete opposite of him. The man who exists in a world of flashing lights and roaring stadiums is here, on the cracked and crabgrass-dotted sidewalk of my childhood home. He doesn’t belong here. He doesn’t fit here.
And yet, my heart thrums at the sight of him.
“Hey,” he says, his voice rough around the edges.
“What are you doing here?”
Here . In my little space of life that he hasn’t touched. Where there are no memories of him woven into every inch of fabric or foot of yard. Not a kitchen island where we made love. Not a frosting bowl we played with. Not a couch where we laughed until we cried. Not a studio in fucking sight.
“I needed to see you.” Those words and the broken way he says them gut me.
But he doesn’t get to show up here expecting that to erase his mistakes.
“So you tracked me down? Wouldn’t a phone call have been easier?” I ask, forcing my voice to stay even and unaffected.
“Yes.” He takes a hesitant step closer. “But then again, nothing is easy when it matters, right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He swallows hard. “I screwed up, Hendrix.”
Oh God. He slept with one of the women . I think I’m going to be sick.
“Yeah, well, so did I in taking the deal.” It’s partly to myself, but I’m just so fucking hurt. Devastated .
“I disagree.”
Yeah well, it’s not your heart that has been trodden on, destroyed once again. But I refuse to show him how much he’s hurt me. He’s already shown me by his actions that he doesn’t want me, so why the fuck is he here?
I exhale sharply and cross my arms over my chest. “What did you come here to say, Jase?”
“I love you.”
I go still, the words cutting through the thick, humid air, through the walls I’ve been so carefully rebuilding since I left.
I love you.
That most definitely is not what I expected.
And yet, I ache at hearing it. At feeling the poignancy behind those three words. At knowing I can’t let myself believe them, no matter how much I want to.
“Your actions from the last few days, especially last night, do not scream love, Jase. No one would do that to someone they love.” I screwed up. Those were the words he started with. “Sleeping with another woman or women.” I still can’t get the visual of all those women all over him out of my head.
“What? No, I didn’t sleep with any of them.” His eyes are wide and his voice is shocked. He takes a step closer, hands out. “I promise. I couldn’t.”
My tongue feels thick in my mouth. “Right. You make a living using words to evoke emotions, so they don’t hold as much weight now.”
“Hendrix, I swear I did not have sex with anyone last night.” His jaw ticks. “But I’m so, so sorry. For being so callous. For shutting you out. And I hate that I did that last night, had those women there, and more so, I hate that you saw me do that to you. ” He shakes his head, runs his hand down his face. “I—I couldn’t do anything more than what you saw. They weren’t you. You’re my... my fucking everything. How can I convince you that I love you? Because I can’t live without you.”
I don’t have an answer. Not a real one. So I throw out the only thing I can think of. “Tell me about the woman at the shelter. Your mom?”
He blows out a breath, his fingers twitching like he wants to reach for something—maybe his hat, maybe me—but instead, he just nods. “You play dirty.”
“No. I’m desperate to understand you and for this to work, I need to. In order for you to deserve my love, I have to understand the one thing that made you who you are.”
“Okay.” He lifts his hat, runs a hand through his hair, and exhales. “My dad left with Nathaniel when I was eight. He chose the orderly, non-troubled kid to take with him and his new family and left the kid who was too loud, got in a little too much trouble, behind. I was left with a mother who was schizophrenic, who would disappear for days on end without warning. That’s why I tell you where I am and when to expect me back, so you never have to wonder and wait like I did. It happened gradually, the illness stealing her mind until one day, she left and never came back.”
I press my lips together, my heart breaking for the boy he was and for the man he’s had to work to become.
“Jase—”
“Let me get it out. Please.” His voice wavers. “I was seventeen when it happened. I didn’t tell anyone. Didn’t want to be put in foster care and sure as hell didn’t want to live with the man who left me behind. So I lived at our apartment, deposited the checks my dad sent, and tried my luck at being on my own as long as I could. It was far from easy, but I managed. Made the bet with Rocket, and you know the rest.”
I watch him as he speaks, the rawness in his voice unravels me. The hurt. The anger. My love for him.
“I tried to get help for her,” he continues. “She wouldn’t take the meds. Preferred to be in her own world. I tried to get her committed for her own safety, because being a woman on the streets is dangerous, but that was a disaster and she refused. I volunteer every week, hoping to see her. It’s the only way I can make sure she’s all right. It’s my only chance at hopefully catching a glimpse of the woman I once knew. The woman who once loved me.”
Tears burn my eyes, and for the first time in a long time, I’m speechless.
“There’s nothing I can say,” I murmur.
He emits a self-deprecating laugh. “It is what it is, right? I don’t like people to know. It’s not for public consumption. A sad story to make an excuse for why I am how I am or to exploit her. Her and her story... her plight is only for me to have and hold and suffer through. Nathaniel doesn’t even know when she’s here. I just... I want my world to stay away from hers, because she’s under enough pressure. If mine collided with hers, it might break her more than she already is.”
“You’re a good son, Jase. A good man.” And I love you too .
I draw in a shaky breath as he tugs at the back of his neck. “I wasn’t... I was hiding it. From everyone. Only the guys know, and so when you showed up there, I felt like I’d been laid wide open for you to exploit. It’s not a good feeling, and I pulled a typical Jase. I lashed out. I pushed you away. After I heard you...”
“Heard me what?” I whisper.
He looks at me, hurt flickering in his eyes. “After I heard you tell Nathaniel you could never love me, I... I guess I was looking for a way to hurt you.”
I stare at him as my chest aches and my breath catches. “I told him that because you told me you’d promised him not to get involved with me. I told him that to protect you.”
His expression flickers, the hurt shifting into something else entirely.
“And then I heard your voice text,” he murmurs. “I heard what you said to Paul—”
“What?” My eyes widen.
“Yes. All of it. His bullshit but more importantly, how I’m your everything. And... I knew if I let you walk away from me, I’d lose something that makes me a better person. Someone who means the world to me. You .”
The weight of everything settles over us, pressing down on my chest. I stand in my momma’s front yard with my heart in my throat, full of so much love for a man I don’t know how to hold on to, terrified of being hurt again.
“You scare me, Jase Gizmodo.”
He lets out a low, breathless laugh. “You terrify me.”
“But . . .”
“But what?” he asks.
“How do we make this work?”
His lips twitch and from one heartbeat to the next, he jumps over the low retaining wall that separates us in one smooth motion. I’m in his arms instantly.
His warmth seeps into me, his heart a strong, steady beat against my cheek as I cling to him.
He leans back, eyes locking on mine. “Let’s start by being honest with each other. Let’s not assume but always ask for clarification. Let’s give each other everything because I believe you can deal with my shit in all its glory.” I chuckle. “And then, second by second. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. We love our way through the failures, Cookie, so we can reap the rewards.”
“Rewards?”
“Marital bliss.” He presses his lips to mine and shrugs. “I mean, we already did the hard part, right? The stress of a wedding. The chaos of picking out colors and bridesmaids and—”
“I think marriage is a little harder than a wedding ceremony,” I say through a laugh.
“Perhaps.” He shrugs. “But I like to think we have this Operation Live-A-Little down to a tee. We try. We fail. We fuck. We make up. We love. We laugh.”
“Wow. That’s quite a list. Is it always in that order?” I tease.
“It’s whatever order we want, Cookie. We make up the rules.” He brushes his lips against mine and I feel like my entire world is wrapped around me. “I love you, Hendrix Gizmodo. Seems I can’t help myself. Besides, I am your husband, after all.”
“I forgot about that part.”
He chuckles. “Never again you won’t. You’re stuck with me.”
“No complaints here.” I pause and hold his eyes. “Because I love you too.”
“Hendrix?” my momma’s voice calls out, then she steps onto the porch. Her eyes widen as her hand flies to her chest. “Oh, my stars, is that Jase? Your Jase? Well look at that, for once Natalia was right about something. She just called to tell me you were out here, and I told her she was dead wrong. Shit. I hate when she’s right.” She waves both of her hands in a come hither motion. “C’mon now. Don’t be shy. It’s about time I meet my son-in-law.”