Epilogue
NOA
“Live in five!” I hear Madge call over a grip’s walkie backstage.
“Can I get you anything?” Claire asks, scurrying up to me.
“Claire, you’re not a PA anymore, you don’t have to take care of me.”
She grins. “I know, but we’re forever trauma-bonded, Hart .”
It’s true: the beginnings of Up Late! with Aarti Nair were, erm, humbling for me, but things have gotten oh-so-much better.
When Aarti came out live on air, we were in a lavender haze of adoration…
for the two-point-five seconds until the lights went down and she had to face the wrath of Gretchen.
Shockingly, the head woman in charge doesn’t appreciate it when you go behind her back to stage a big gay bomb drop in real time on her network.
Aarti and Madge took it in stride, though; they knew what they were doing was risky.
And it paid off.
Despite Gretchen blowing a gasket, the internet rejoiced.
Gaartis were redeemed. Aarti’s bravery was celebrated and cheered on.
People who never watched late night started tuning in in droves.
Jen & Mary’s released the real Aarti flavor and made a massive donation in our name to The Comedy Closet, an LGBTQ+ non-profit helping queer comedians pursue their dreams. Even Claire got promoted to Madge’s assistant producer.
And with the highest ratings in Up Late history, Aarti Nair became untouchable.
My Aarti Nair.
So here I stand, one year into the show that made my favorite person a household name, ready to celebrate her and her accomplishments.
As the warmup artist cracks their final joke on stage, said favorite person bursts through the backstage doors, along with her entourage of makeup artists and writers and assistants.
“Well, don’t you look very important.” I drink her in as she rocks the finely tailored rainbow pinstripe suit we chose with Aiden’s assistance.
“This is my show after all,” she smirks.
“Two minutes til live!” Madge shouts again.
“Nervous about another live show?”
The last one had been a roaring success, but Gretchen was hesitant to let them put on another one for obvious reasons. After a year on air with the highest ratings of a late night show on any network, she finally gave in.
“I’m never nervous with you around.” She gives me a sweet, deep kiss. I still feel butterflies.
“Keep it in your pants,” Madge says, making her way backstage. “You ready?”
Aarti looks at me. “Are you ready?”
“I’m just here for the ice cream,” I say. While I’ve made some appearances over the last several months, Aarti wanted me to come on and let the audience try my new Up Late -inspired flavor, only available at Split Happens: Butter Late Than Never . “Which… where is my cart?”
Since I can’t take my ice cream truck everywhere, I invested in a cute little cart that does the job for indoor events like these. But it seems to have wandered off with a PA.
“Here it is!” Claire interjects. “Just needed to polish it off for the camera!”
I give Aarti a look but she shrugs.
“All right team, we’re live in thirty seconds,” Madge says into her walkie. “I’ll be in the sound booth if you need anything.” She gives Aarti a wink and a nudge, then bounces off.
“You’re gonna kill it!” I say giving her one last kiss.
“I know,” she smiles.
Madge counts down over the walkie. “In three… two…”
With one last look at me, Aarti jogs out onto the stage to greet her audience.
“Hello and welcome to our second ever live episode of Up Late! with Aarti Nair !”
The audience whoops and claps.
“I’m your host Aarti Nair and we’re going to do things a little differently tonight.”
I raise an eyebrow at Claire. Are they trying to pull another fast one on Gretchen?
Claire nods back to Aarti on stage.
And she’s looking right at me .
“Noa? Will you come on out here? Bring your ice cream,” she says.
I look around in confusion–this was not the run-of-show I was given–but am ultimately pushed out on stage by Claire and greeted with applause.
“You all remember Noa. She’s here to tell you about her latest treat. Noa?”
“Um, yeah…” I say, shooting Aarti a look, but she has zero reaction, only that aggravatingly beautiful smile on her lips. “I’m going to share a very special flavor with you all tonight called–” I open my ice cream cart.
But the ice cream is gone.
I panic and look to Aarti.
“What?” she asks.
I point wordlessly into my cart.
“Maybe look a little harder?” she says.
I roll my eyes and mock her, leaning down into my cart when I see–
“Wh–what?”
Sitting at the bottom of what once was a tub of ice cream is a small, navy box. When I look up, I no longer see Aarti.
Because she’s on one knee.
“Noa Jacqueline Hart,” Aarti begins, grabbing my hands. “This show brought you into my life, and I am forever grateful for that. Do me the honor of not embarrassing me in front of literal millions of people and tell me… will you marry me?”
I gasp and turn to the audience, noticing for the first time that the front row is stacked with the A-listers of my life: Aiden, my dad, Aarti’s family. Even Stella is there, tears in her eyes.
I look back to Aarti who’s patiently awaiting my response.
“Duh!” I cry out.
Aarti stands and twirls me around as our family fills the stage.
“Don’t forget…” She leans down and picks up the box, opening it to reveal a shimmering yellow diamond ring. “I know we talked about picking one together so if you don’t like it–”
“I love it. And I love you.” We kiss and the applause is thunderous.
“I feel bamboozled. I can’t believe you’d do this to me, Madge!” I point to the sound booth. “Are we even live?”
“Oh, yup, definitely. Which reminds me.” Aarti turns to the camera. “We’ve gotta take a break, but we’ll be right back with the new Dr. Noa Nair and me, forever bragging that I bagged a doctor!”
The ON AIR sign turns off and I still can’t figure out if what just happened was real.
“We’re back in one minute, people!” Madge says, running to the stage, ripping her headset off. “I’m so happy for you two.” She squeezes us both.
Aiden taps me on the shoulder and I spin around to hug him.
“I knew you were being weird, I knew it!” I tell him.
“It’s very difficult to add radar blockers to twin telepathy, but I tried my darnedest. Now please tell me that absolute monster of a rock wasn’t mined by children in the Congo?”
Aarti puts her hand on her heart. “Made in a lab, swear.”
“Good girl,” he nods in approval.
Diti jumps onto Aarti’s back. “You did it!!!!”
She turns around to hug her sister. “Thanks for all your help.”
“You, too,” Diti says seriously, and I can tell she means for all the support Aarti has given her over this past year of staying sober.
“Proud of you, Nono,” my dad says. I give him the tightest hug I’ve ever hugged.
“Love you forever and ever, Dad,” I say into his shoulder.
“All right, everybody, back to your seats,” Madge shoos them all off. “We’re back in three… two…”
“Dr. Noa Nair, huh?” I ask Aarti as the cameras turn back to us. “That sounds really good to me.”
I give her another kiss for the whole world to see.