Chapter Twenty-Seven – Laina
Things were a whirlwind after that. Tessa had already worked on most of the arrangements for the service that weekend.
All it took was some sweet-talking on my part to let me take it over.
I played the part—I put on a blond wig with Lola’s help and took out my colored contacts.
I acted the grieving daughter, and I looked the part.
Dressed in all black, I was exactly what the country wanted me to be.
I left off my metal fingers, leaving the healed nubs on my left hand on full display to the cameras that were taping damn near the entire thing.
And I stood up there, during the service, alone when I made my speech about my dad. My guys—Kieran, Fang, Mike, and Jason—and Lola and hers were in the audience, along with all of my dad’s sponsors and so many of his nameless supporters.
The biggest church in the city, and it still wasn’t big enough. People were packed in the pews, to the point where many had to stand, crowding around the church’s aisles. I was pretty sure the line went out the door.
An old priest sat nearby, waiting. Everyone was waiting for me to speak. I looked at the casket front and center, where my dad was. Its mahogany wood was shut, so you couldn’t see him. We’d held a wake the night before—that had been a job on its own.
So many handshakes. So many condolences. So many people who apparently cared about my dad.
As I stood there, splitting my time between staring at the casket and gazing out at the surreal crowd, I realized: I wasn’t just playing the grieving daughter.
I was the grieving daughter. This wasn’t simply a role for me to play; it was who I was, who I’d be for a while, until the wound wasn’t so fresh and the grief didn’t hurt me like a searing hot knife to the chest.
“Before he was mayor, Vance Hawkins was my dad,” I said, choosing to ignore the notecards I’d scribbled down in haste.
“He was a single parent who tried his best to keep his daughter out of trouble. I didn’t make it easy for him.
” I smiled softly at the memory. “I was taken before he became the mayor of this city. I didn’t get to see it happen—” A lie, but one the public needed to continue to believe.
“—but I heard all about it when I escaped.”
My fingers traced the bottom edge of the top notecard.
“When I got out, everything was different. Too different, I used to think. He had more responsibilities, more pressure, but underneath it all, he always wanted to do the right thing. I realize now, looking out at you all, that he wasn’t just my dad.
He was everyone’s. He wanted to protect this city and everyone in it, wanted what was best for everyone, regardless of their political beliefs. ”
I shut my eyes for a few moments, the weight of what I was about to say weighing down on me like nothing else ever could. “He was a good dad, and he was taken from me, from all of us, too soon. The world is a little colder now that he’s gone.”
My men sat towards the front, their gazes fixated on me.
Support radiated from each of them. Honestly, they were a sight for sore eyes, each one of them.
Turned out, they could clean up quite well.
Mike wore a dark suit, while Fang opted for a black button-down long-sleeved shirt, neatly tucked into his black slacks.
Kieran wore a crisp black suit, mirroring what Jason wore.
Jason had even shaved the scruff on his jaw and cheeks for the occasion.
Everything I thought, back when I first got out of that room, I’d been proven wrong time and time again.
I hated my dad for so long, spent so much time blaming him for everything, when all along I should’ve placed my hatred toward another person instead.
The only saving grace here was that my dad didn’t know the extent of my hatred for him during that time.
How wrong I was. How utterly, disgustingly wrong. I’d spend the rest of my life regretting it.
“He won’t be forgotten, though,” I said, addressing the crowd in the church.
“He lives on in me, in you, in all of us.” I took my notecards and left the podium, stopping momentarily before the casket, where I placed a hand flat against the dark wood.
I whispered, “I miss you.” And then, I held my head up high while I returned to my seat next to Mike and the priest took to the podium.
Mike placed a comforting hand on my lap, engulfing my hands with his. His warmth flowed through me, and I knew he was gazing steadily at me, but I was too tired. Too fixated on that casket, to return the loving support.
I didn’t know where I’d be without the men in the pew beside me. My life would be so different. Heck, I probably wouldn’t have a life. Maybe, without them, Tessa would’ve gotten what she wanted.
Tessa. I purposefully didn’t mention her, and if the press asked, I would tell them she needed her privacy.
That’s all. And because the world never stopped turning, new things never stopped happening, the city would indeed move on without her, and all the while she’d be in that room, slowly losing her mind.
And I’d be able to log in to see her descent into madness whenever I wanted. Revenge certainly was sweet when you played it right. A quick death would’ve given me the satisfaction in the moment, but not as eternally as something like this.
The priest started talking again, speaking about my dad and how God was currently welcoming him into his kingdom, but I tuned him out.
I didn’t know if I believed in an almighty power—there were so many terrible things that happened in this world, so many awful things, you’d think, if there was an almighty God up there, he’d do everything in his power to stop said things from ever happening.
Cancer in children. Assassinations. Rape. The list went on and on. This world… it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. There were just as many bad people in it as there were good people. Lately, I’d started to wonder if the bad outnumbered the good. Good people were few and far between.
But if believing made people feel better, then I wouldn’t stop them. Everyone was free to believe whatever they wanted. If my dad was in some warm, bright, loving kingdom, well, I supposed there were worse things to think.
I was no good person. If my dad was up there somewhere, I knew I’d never see him again. Maybe I wasn’t as maliciously deranged as Lola, but my hands were not clean, nor was my mind. I’d never be what anyone would consider a good person—and I didn’t want to be.
I was me. I was Laina Hawkins. I was who I was meant to be. Throughout all this shit, I’d found myself, and I didn’t plan on letting her go any time soon.
Sitting there, in the packed church, I knew it in my heart.
It was something I’d thought about a lot ever since finding my dad’s body, something that wasn’t easy for me to wrestle with, not after becoming fast friends with Lola, not after getting into a relationship with multiple guys—two of which had ties to this city and the people in it.
I couldn’t stay here. I had to leave this city, leave it behind, start somewhere new, somewhere fresh.
Somewhere no one would know who I was. It’d be a while; I’d have to empty our house and sell it, not to mention make sure all of my dad’s assets went to me and not Tessa, but I was confident if I needed help with that, Lola or Sylvester would have some strings they could pull for me.
It wouldn’t happen overnight, but my ultimate goal was to leave this city in the rearview mirror. I didn’t know where I’d go, but it was a big country out there, with so many possibilities within reach.
Fang had his workshop and his brother nearby, but I was confident he’d come with me if I asked.
Kieran would obviously abandon anything for me.
Mike was the one I was most unsure of, because not only did he have his brother here, but he also had worked for the Lucianos damn near his entire life, following in the footsteps of his parents.
Lola could probably sweettalk Sylvester into letting him go, but whether or not Mike would agree to it on his own was up in the air.
I hoped he would. I didn’t want to leave him behind.
And Jason… things were too new there. I still had to find out if we had what it took to go far. Personally, I was up for the challenge, but I guessed you never knew. Things could always change.
Change. So much in my life had changed the past two years.
With this blond wig on, I might’ve looked like the same girl I used to be, but I wasn’t.
This blond hair was just my mask, much like Kieran’s devil mask.
It was what the world wanted to see, and once I left this city behind, I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
I could be myself out there, not have to worry about disappointing anyone or making anyone look bad.
I never liked change. I’d always been resistant to it, but if there was one thing I’d learned recently, it was change wasn’t automatically bad. Sometimes change could be good, sometimes it was necessary. Sometimes, in order to grow, you had to adapt.
I didn’t know what the future held for us, but I was ready to find out.