Chapter 16 #2
He clamps my mouth shut. “Swallow every drop.”
I do, accidentally licking around his thumb that’s still there, and I think I feel him vibrate, but it only lasts a moment before he removes his finger and steps back.
The distance is small, but the sexual tension fades in the background of a bigger tension as reality sets in.
The ‘we’re not supposed to do this, let alone enjoy it’ reality.
The ‘this will end in a disaster’ reality.
Jude tucks himself in, then buttons up his jeans as he glares at me.
There’s anger and hatred and even a hint of confusion.
And it’s as if I’m being stabbed by it as I stand up. I run my fingers through my hair, willing it into submission, and dab the corners of my mouth.
I’m not sure if that will remove all traces of him when I can still taste him with every swallow, but the silence is deafening and I feel exposed and too self-conscious.
Especially when I notice Jude watching me with narrowed eyes.
“Where did you learn to suck cock like that?” he finally asks, offering me my glasses back.
I put them on, looking anywhere but at him, then let my lips pull in a sad smile. “Watching my mom give hundreds of blowjobs through the crack of the closet door during most of my childhood.”
His eyes widen the slightest bit, but I turn and leave before I can see the pity in them.
Or worse. More hate.
“Vi! Oh my God, are you okay?”
I startle as blood drips from my finger, and I realize I sliced through it with a knife as Dahlia rushes toward me.
She holds my hand under the stream of the kitchen faucet, and I wince through the sting.
“Does it hurt a lot?” She checks my finger left and right. “Thank God it’s not that deep, but it’s not shallow either.”
“It’s fine.” I try to go back to chopping the vegetables, but she turns off the stove and drags me to a stool so she can bandage my wound.
“It’s not fine.” She frowns as she retrieves her first aid kit and cleans my finger with antiseptic. “You’ve been zoning out as usual, probably overthinking.”
“That obvious?” I grimace.
“You do that a lot anyway, but it’s more serious lately.”
By lately, she means ever since Jude came into my life. Even I can tell I’m on edge but also not on edge.
It’s weird to describe, but one moment, I feel like I’m flying, and the next, I plummet, racing to the bottom of a cliff with my demons.
My mood is flaky even when I mask it and shove my emotions in the grave I made for my ten-year-old self.
And I don’t know how to fix it half the time. The only solution I’ve found is to always be busy. Work, school, side activities. Even now after we’re back at school, I try to work as many shifts as physically possible, both for the money and to avoid alone time with myself at night.
Because that time—nighttime—scares me and I’ve been waking up shaking and even crying from nightmares.
Sleep has always terrified me.
I’ve given up hope to ever enjoy it.
Dahlia’s brow furrows, locks of her dark hair escaping her messy bun as she wraps a Band-Aid around my finger, then sits across from me. “I feel like you’re hiding something from me.”
“Don’t be silly, what could I hide?”
She narrows her eyes. “Are you sure?”
I nod.
“Hmm, I don’t know about that.” She tilts her head to the side, still watching me with suspicion.
“Enough about me.” I rub her arm. “Tell me about your classes at Graystone University. Is it everything you wanted?”
“Hell yeah!” She punches the air. “I’ve been going through all the material, and their medical program is honestly one of the best! I feel so lucky to have been offered a scholarship there right before school started.”
“It’s hard work, not luck. Don’t downplay how much time and effort you dedicate to your grades, Dahl.”
“I know, but, like, it’s super hard to get in.
And since they rejected me three years ago, I never thought they’d open the doors for me again.
Gah, I’m loving it so much!” Her smile falls.
“I’m not loving that we’re on different campuses, though.
Maybe I shouldn’t stay at the dorm and come home every day instead. ”
“Absolutely not. It’s an hour’s drive and you only have a bike, so that would take forever and cut into your study time. Just stay there and make new friends.”
“Nah.” She hugs me. “You’re my only friend.”
I hug her back. “We’re meeting on weekends like this, and you can come home on holidays.”
“Or maybe you can apply to GU?” She pulls back, her eyes sparking. “I know it’s a long shot, but maybe…”
“I don’t think that will ever be possible.” I’d never study at the same campus as Jude. It’s enough hassle that he comes all the way here.
Though he hasn’t since I creeped him out with the reason behind my blowjob skills.
That was three weeks ago. Mario said he hasn’t been around, because he has family obligations and has been busy with resuming training ahead of the start of the hockey season.
I feel like Mario is trying to console me or something.
But for some reason, I can feel Jude everywhere in this tiny place. Even when he’s not there. Like a damn ghost.
I don’t want to get in touch with him, especially now that I don’t have to since he stopped bugging me to watch his hockey games.
But I can’t help but be worried about the whole thing with Dahlia and GU.
It simply can’t be a coincidence.
As she said, they rejected her application a few years ago, so it’s unusual that they’d change their mind out of the blue right before the start of classes just because a previous scholarship student dropped out.
I mean, they could have, and Dahlia is seriously smart and hardworking, so they might have been dazzled by her grades, but still.
This entire situation is giving me a bad feeling.
Dahlia is humming as she goes to return the first aid kit. As I wait for the broth to finish cooking, I pull out my phone and stare at Jude’s name, then at the counter where I keep seeing images I’d really like to forget.
It’s been weeks, and yet those erotic dreams won’t leave me alone. I swear I’ve used my vibrator the past couple of weeks more than I have in years.
Is this a sexual awakening or something equally ridiculous?
After much deliberation, I type out a text.
Me
Did you have something to do with Dahlia’s acceptance into GU?
My heart jumps when I receive a reply right away.
Stalker
What happened to hello?
Hello. Are you behind my sister’s scholarship?
If I wanted to offer someone a scholarship, wouldn’t I have offered it to you instead of your sister?
I don’t know. Maybe you want to control me through her and make sure I always know you can get to her whenever you want.
I can get to her whenever I want now. If I wanted to threaten her life, I don’t need to offer her a scholarship.
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Not sure. Did you text me to feel better? Or because you’re now alone, with no support to distract you from yourself or me?
How does he even know that? How can he recognize that I’ve been feeling low since Dahlia moved to the dorm at GU two weeks ago?
I try to put up a courageous front so as not to spook her, but, truly, I miss her so much, but I don’t want to be selfish and sabotage her once-in-a-lifetime chance just because I can’t be a grown adult and simply exist on my own.
Good night.
You can end the conversation, but you can’t escape me, Violet.
Haven’t been trying to. You’re the one who ran away.
I realize I’ve said too much even before his next text appears.
Miss me?
No, I’ve never been more at ease. If you don’t show up again, that would be great.
Liar. You’ve been looking over your shoulder, searching for me everywhere you go.
How do you know? Mario?
Not important.
Why do you even want to know all these things about me? Do I not creep you out?
Creep me out? I thought I was the creep.
Well, you are.
Wow. Thanks.
You’re welcome.
Very funny. Now, tell me. Why would you creep me out?
It’s nothing. Forget it.
Tell me.
No.
Then I’ll jump over your balcony and find out the answer in person.
You can’t. Mario said you’re busy training.
Bold of you to assume I won’t leave. Be there in an hour.
Fine. It’s about what I said about my mom. Just forget it.
I wait and I wait, watching the dots appear and disappear. It feels like forever, but when his text appears, I have to hold on to the counter. Because he says the words no one has ever said to me.
It’s not your fault your mother was a deplorable human being who didn’t deserve to be a mother in the first place. She creeps me out, not you.
I’m still reading and rereading his words when my phone pings with another text. I think it’s from Jude, but it’s an unknown number.
Unknown
Hello, Violet. Your life is in danger. It has to do with Jude. Please text me back so we can discuss this further.