Chapter ThirtyEight
A sane person would have closed the door in his face.
Honestly, I thought I was stuck in a fever dream when I opened Lola’s front door and found a broken Jaxon on the other side.
He was completely disheveled and holding a piece of paper.
“You served me divorce papers.”
It wasn’t a question as he fisted the paper tighter, crumpling it in his grip. To say I was surprised was an understatement. When I spoke to my lawyer about starting the process of getting divorced, I didn’t anticipate how quickly they would move.
I didn’t even know where Jaxon was living since we separated. The fact my lawyer was able to hunt him down and get the papers to him without me knowing proved I hired the best, despite the wave of nausea rippling through me at the sight of them in his hand.
“I told you I wanted a divorce.” I crossed my arms. “I saw little need to draw out the inevitable any longer. Also, how did you know where to find me?”
“Your friend Violet. I paid her gallery a visit and she mentioned you were staying with a friend,” he said matter-of-factly. “She didn’t say who, but it didn’t take too many guesses to figure out what friend.”
Safe to say, I was going to strangle Violet.
“Why were you at the gallery?” I tried not to make contact with those autumn stormy eyes. Not trusting myself to get lost within them. “You don’t like art.”
His jaw twitched. “It wasn’t the art on the walls that brought me there. I was hoping to see the only true masterpiece worth seeing. You.”
Just like that, my lungs ceased to function. My traitorous heart somersaulted and ached for the man it once and still, stupidly, beat for.
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said. “We both knew this day was coming, one way or another. It was always on the cards for us. We both said so at the beginning.”
“That was then. A lot of things have changed in the last year.”
I sighed. “Just sign the papers and then we can be done.”
“Is that what you want?”
Yes.
No.
Damn him.
How could I have been so sure that I wanted nothing more than to put as much distance between us only days ago, for it to vanish into vapors the second I laid eyes on him?
“Because I know one thing for sure.” His voice lowered with a hint of desperation. “I don’t want to lose you. I know I fucked up in a colossal way, but I want to try and make it right.”
“You didn’t just fuck up, you completely and utterly betrayed me. Everything between us was built on nothing more than a lie. From the very beginning, you’ve lied, and you kept lying.”
His face twisted into something unrecognizable. Guilt? Shame? Heartbreak? Whatever it was, my stomach plummeted.
“If you let me explain, you’ll see that not everything was a lie. Please, can we talk?”
I shook my head. “It’s best for the two of us if you sign the papers. You made it clear from the start that you didn’t want this. God, I was so blind. You never wanted to marry. Why didn’t I see it from the start? You never wanted me. You only wanted to destroy my father. What was it you said? I was a means to an end, nothing more? Well, now I am giving you your chance to stick to your words and walk away.”
“I can’t walk away. You’ve changed me. I know I betrayed your trust, but I was going to tell you everything. I know you won’t believe me, but it’s the truth. That day you overheard us in the office, I was planning on telling you then.”
I scoffed in disbelief. “You had months to tell me the truth. You used me, led me to believe that you wanted to help me and that you cared about me. All the while, you were scheming with your brother behind my back.”
“It was no lie when I told you I cared for you. I love you, ma douceur.”
I love you, ma douceur.
I swallowed the strangled cry trying to rip through me.
“You’re right, I never wanted to marry. I was perfectly content being alone,” he said. “Then I met you. After all I have done, I know I don’t deserve your love. But I need you to know…”
My bottom lip trembled. “Please, stop.”
“I regret hurting you, and I hate myself for it, but I don’t regret falling in love with you. Not for one second.”
“Jaxon, I really can’t do this right now.” I stepped back, ready to close the door on him. “I have somewhere to be.”
“Can we talk about it over dinner?”
I shook my head. “That wouldn’t be a good idea.”
Spending time with Jaxon was like standing on the edge of a cliff during a storm. There was only so much I could do to fight against the winds before I’d eventually fall.
Stay strong.
“Did you know your father and my father worked together as new business partners? Not just that, but they were best of friends when I was a child,” Jaxon said.
I shook my head at yet another thing I didn’t know about the man who raised me.
“They met at the University of Toronto and decided to start their own vintage jewelry business in Monaco. It was a success within its first two years. But somewhere along the way, your father believed that mine was holding him back. Lexington thirsted for more, whereas my own father possessed no such drive.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you need to understand the reasons I started on this journey.” His foot breached the doorway. “When Lexington realized that there was no future working with my father, he drove my father out of business by secretly investing in shitty stocks and making risky financial decisions with the company’s revenue. He bankrupted my family. But that wasn’t enough. Lexington started a smear campaign against my father, blacklisting his name against the high and mighty that he now rubbed shoulders with. My father became a social laughingstock, and his name meant as much as the zeros in his bank account.”
My father was no saint. I was learning that more and more each day. The amount that he hid from us, the secrets he tried to bury that allowed him to climb all the way to the top, it was too much for me to bear.
I wanted to remember him as nothing more than my dad, not as the man who ruined lives and got away with it.
“After Lexington took everything, my father turned to soothing his bruised ego with alcohol. While he was busy drinking away the pain, he left maman at home by herself raising four boys. We were broke, and those we once called friends abandoned us.” Jaxon’s shoulders tensed. “Maman couldn’t take it anymore, she struggled to adjust to our new way of living and her lack of a supportive husband.”
There was no hiding the sob that escaped or the tears streaming down my cheeks.
“When she died, I was filled with so much anger. So much unrelenting rage,” he said. “I didn’t know where to put it. My father was to blame, but he was still my father, no matter how useless he was. I think blaming Lexington and making him the villain in my story was easier than facing the truth.”
Another life ruined and for what? Money? Power? Status?
All replaceable things compared to the loss of a mother.
“When Frederic came across the opportunity to get vengeance, the young boy in me still blamed your father. I went along with his plan.” Jaxon’s throat bobbed. “I married you with the plan to use you to get unlimited access to Reynolds. Get in and get out in the year. But the more time we were together, living together, Thanksgiving, Christmas, working together in those offices, that’s when I realized what was happening between us was real.”
Looking up to the ceiling, I blinked back the fresh onslaught of tears, cursing myself for putting on mascara before opening the door.
“Falling in love with you was never part of the plan, but I don’t regret it. Because loving you made me realize that all that rage, all that hatred, it was worthless compared to my feelings for you. Your love healed that angry child inside me.”
My chest cracked open at his words, exposing my mangled patchworked heart. He loved me, any doubt that I had vanished with each agonized word.
And I loved him, too.
His dimples. His scowls. His dry humor and the way he made me laugh. His dark and broken pieces as well as the soft and light ones. I loved everything about him.
I loved him so damn much that it made hating him impossible, but it didn’t mean I forgave him.
“I’m sorry for what my dad did to your family.” It was the truth. “But you telling me all this, it doesn’t change anything between us.”
“Let me show you how sorry I am. Let me show you that everything between us was real. What I feel for you is real.”
My phone ringing echoed through the apartment.
No doubt Lola was wondering where I was. We had dinner plans with her brother Mal in the city, and I was already running half an hour late when I answered the door.
“Evelyn, your love has branded my heart and soul. Forever changed and forever yours.”
“I have to go.” I willed myself to close the door before I splintered into a million pieces once again.
“Don’t make me sign these.” He dropped the divorce papers. “Asking me to sign these is like asking me to rip out my heart with my own hands. I can’t do it, not when there’s still a chance for us.”
My own heart dipped. “I don’t think there is a chance for us, Jaxon. You hurt me worse than anyone has before. Despite hating myself every day for how I feel about you, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you.”
Even Laurence walking out without warning didn’t hurt as deep.
“All I am asking is a chance to earn your forgiveness,” he pleaded. “I’ll get down on my knees and beg if that’s what you want.” He didn’t hesitate, dropping to his knees with a thud. “Just one chance to show you that me and you? We are worth fighting for.”
“Some battles aren’t worth fighting for.”
“You’re worth it, Evelyn. I’ll fight for you until there’s nothing left of me. I’ll fight for you until the sun no longer needs the moon,” he said softly. “I let you walk away once. I won’t make that same mistake again.”
Silence stretched between us as I finally found the strength to close the door.
The final image of Jaxon on his knees, purple rings circling his eyes, and his face lined with fierce determination replayed in my mind throughout dinner, making me the worst dinner guest possible.
Thankfully, Mal and Lola made up for my lack of conversation.
My dinner remained untouched as all I could think about was how my resolve was slowly breaking down.
The grounds for our entire marriage was a farce.
One big lie.
There was no reversing that, no matter how much I missed him.
He lied to me. He used me. He manipulated me. He tried to destroy my family name.
He loves me.
I loved Jaxon, but even love had its limits, right?