Chapter FortyOne
For the first time in my life, I wished I stayed in New York.
Coming back home came at the worst time. I’d made nowhere near as much progress as I wanted with Evelyn. She kept shutting me out, and there was no one to blame but myself.
I hurt her, and though I stopped before any more damage was done to her father’s name and business, I feared the echoes of my wrongs would forever haunt us.
I knew there was always going to be a long road ahead for us, but I didn’t care. I’d do anything, everything in my power, to make it right with her.
Whatever made her happy.
Even if it meant walking away for good?
Shaking away the thought I feared to explore and filled my nightmares, I walked through my Grand-mère’s front door and was instantly greeted with chaos.
Everyone, including Frederic, had flown home.
Olivier stood in the kitchen, eyes bouncing between Frederic and Elliott, who were so busy screaming at each other that neither of them noticed my arrival.
“A care home is better equipped to look after her,” Frederic snapped. “Twenty-four-hour care, staff on stand-by, and trained medical doctors too!”
Elliott shook his head. “A person’s mental state affects their healing. She never wanted to go into a home. She always said that she’d rather we kill her.
If you put her in a home, her mental state will deteriorate, and that, in hand, will affect her physical progression. I see families make the wrong call all the time, and it has a detrimental effect on the patient.”
“Stop thinking like a doctor for once!” Frederic slammed his fist on the counter. “Think like her fucking grandson.”
“I can think like both,” Elliott gritted out. “We need to bring her home.”
“And who is going to look after her, huh?” Frederic said. “Our father is useless. The rest of us have jobs that we can’t exactly abandon, except Olivier, but I wouldn’t trust him to care for a worm, never mind a person.”
Olivier flipped our eldest brother off.
“God forbid you put something in front of your work.” Elliott rolled his eyes. “This is exactly why you’re going to lose Penny in the custody battle, you know that? Because you’re a selfish batard who only thinks about himself.”
“We’ll hire a live-in carer,” I interjected before Frederic’s fist clashed with Elliotts’ nose. All three brothers snapped their heads toward me. “That way, she can come home, and there will always be a carer to assist her.”
Olivier clapped his hands. “Brilliant idea, Jax. It’s the best of both your ideas.”
“Finally, someone with their head not shoved up their own ass,” Elliott said. “Took you long enough to get here.”
If looks were murderous, Frederic’s icy glare would be the cause of death on my death certificate.
Neither of us had spoken to each other since our confrontation over the encrypted file.
Any worry I had that Frederic would find a way to break into the file disappeared several weeks ago. The pen drive I gave him arrived at my hotel room with my morning coffee.
I couldn’t be certain that he made no further copies or the exact reason why he suddenly decided to return it, but I reluctantly opted to trust him.
I meant what I said months ago. If he so much as breathed wrong in Evelyn’s direction, it was over. Family or not, he’d be dead to me.
“Thank the heavens you’re here.” Olivier followed me out into the veranda. “Between those two nearly stabbing each other every six seconds and Dad suddenly trying to be a dad, it’s been hell.”
Overlooking the gardens, the memories of Christmas played out before me. Evelyn dressed like the spring goddess Persephone herself while she teased me until we chased each other through the shrubs.
Now that I have caught you, I don’t believe I am strong enough or selfless enough to ever let you go.
I should have told her the truth then. Hell, I should have told her long before that, but I was a coward.
A selfish coward.
I wanted her more than I wanted to destroy Lexington.
But I knew I would only ever be able to have one of them. Loving her meant realizing my outdated grudge was, in fact, that: outdated.
Another fact I was too scared to admit.
Across the gardens, near the swimming pool, I noticed our father staring into the abyss.
“He’s been weird.” Olivier followed my gaze. “He actually told me off when I got here. I mean, the man has barely said more than two words to me since I was a baby, yet he told me off when I told Freddie to go swallow a dick.”
“Is that so?”
“Yup,” he said. “Then he told Frederic to watch his tone, which, as you can imagine, went down like a fucking nuclear bomb. Elliott and I had to physically restrain Freddie.”
Now that was bizarre.
I left my brother, ignoring the flashes of Evelyn everywhere on my walk down to my father.
She consumed me. Not even my waking thoughts were safe from her.
“Bonjour, son,” my father said without looking at me. “I’m sorry you’ve had to come home under such circumstances. But I appreciate you being here. It’s important that we are all here for maman coming home.”
“What’s this?”
He blinked slowly. “What’s what?”
“This act,” I said. “The ‘I suddenly am going to act like I give a shit after nearly thirty years’ father act.”
He said nothing for several seconds before finally looking at me. “I’m no saint Jaxon, I know that. I’ve done a lot of wrong in my life.”
“No shit.”
“I realize I haven’t been the perfect father.”
“Wonder what possibly could have given you that idea.”
“Your childhood, all of your childhoods, I wasn’t present.” He swallowed thickly. “Your maman she was the love of my life. It’s a beautiful thing finding someone who your heart only beats for, isn’t it?”
Beautifully agonizing.
“Now imagine losing that,” he said quietly. “Imagine the one person who made the sun shine brighter, the one person who brought color to your grayscale life, the person who made living worth it. Imagine you lost them, and it was entirely your fault.”
My knees threatened to buckle. Each word was a gunshot to the chest, straight into the void that bloomed to life the day Evelyn walked away.
“I should have done more for you boys,” he said. “But the grief was too much to bear. It should have been me who died that day, not her. Only for you and your brothers, and the fact I know she would have wanted me to stay with you all is the reason I haven’t joined her soul.”
The air stretched taunt, making each breath heavier, strained.
“Then why now?” I said. “You’ve spent years dulling the pain with alcohol and acting like we didn’t exist.”
He winced.
“So, why the sudden change?”
He cleared his throat. “Because I’ve gotten help. I go to meetings twice a week, and there’s always someone I can turn to if I feel myself slipping.” His knee bounced nervously. “I’ve been sober since Christmas, working through my steps at my own pace. I’ve reached the point where I need to make amends.”
“Is this what this is? Are you trying to make amends?”
He nodded. “I want to make things right. You boys deserve that.”
I bit back the poison, ready to spit. Years, it’s been fucking years, that we sat back and watched him drink himself near death. He stopped being a father to us the day maman died, and now he wanted to make amends?
I needed to leave before I said something I regretted.
I understood, more than ever, what it felt like trying to claw back from the shitty decisions that hurt those around us.
My mistakes, however, only calculated to a year, not twenty-six.
My fists curled at my side as I turned to walk away.
“Jaxon,” my father called after me. “Your wife, Evelyn. I never got the chance to tell you but the way you looked at her, it’s exactly how I saw your maman. Don’t let something that good, that precious and pure, slip away from you. You’ll only spend the rest of your life hating yourself.”
Waves crashed against my bare ankles.
Two weeks had passed since Grand-mère came home.
Tensions were at an all-time high right up to the moment she was back where she belonged.
Her presence in the house instantly soothed everything.
Between sorting out a live-in carer and doing whatever I could to help, my visit to the beach was the first and only chance I got for some peace.
Peace from listening to four other voices always giving their opinions.
Peace from the constant claustrophobia of sharing a space once again with my brothers.
And peace from the plaguing thoughts that Evelyn was moving on with her life without me.
I stopped checking my phone for messages and resisted lowering myself to stalking her social media accounts for even a glimpse into her life.
She wanted space and time, and though it was killing me, I was giving her what she wanted.
Whatever it took not to screw it up again.
If she decided to even give me a second chance.
Watching the waves ebb and flow, reality came trickling down like snowfall. A year ago, I would have happily spent the rest of my life alone.
No ties, no love, just me on my own.
Content.
But now? I feared that without Evelyn, I would never be able to return to my old ways.
It’s crazy how love could single-handedly ruin you.
I guess if I were to be ruined by it, I was happy that it was her that did it.
“I thought you hated the beach?”
I turned, adrenaline spiking my pulse as I watched Evelyn, in her white floral dress, walk toward me. Wind caught her red curls—non, it must be a dream.
A perfect sweet-scented dream.
She stopped right in front of me. “From what I recall, you hate how the sand gets everywhere.”
I reached out, fingers brushing her pink-tinged cheeks. My pulse jolted on contact. She was real. She was real and standing in front of me. My thumb ran over the curve of her jaw, savoring the feel of her. “You’re here.”
“I’m here.”
“Is everything okay?” I asked quietly, squashing down the flickers of hope of what her being here meant. “Did something happen?”
Teeth skimmed along her bottom lip. “No, everything isn’t okay.” She took my hand, removing it from her face.
I swallowed the rejection.
“You left,” she said firmly. “You left because I said I needed space to figure everything out. You just got up and left, and didn’t even stay in the same country.”
“It’s what you wanted…”
“I’m not finished,” she cut in, still holding my hand in hers. “And do you know what the worst thing was? I missed you. I missed you every damn day. Even when I told myself not to miss you, I fucking missed you more. You’re in my veins, Jaxon. You’re the breath I can’t expel, the blood pumping around my body...”
“Evelyn, my love…”
“I said I wasn’t finished.” Her voice turned raw. “I still don’t like what you did, but I forgive you. I forgave you when you told me the truth about your past, and though it’s going to take a long time for me to trust you again…” She didn’t move as I stepped closer. “I want to learn to trust you again with my heart. Because no matter how much I lie to myself, it belongs to you.”
I said nothing, my entire body buzzing with anticipation.
“I believe we can rebuild the trust. It won’t be quick, but it’s possible. Anything is possible when it comes to you. And I want to do it with you by my side.”
A million and one fireworks exploded in my chest.
A fucking gospel chorus played between my ears as I ran my hands through her hair, twisting the strands and pressing my forehead against hers. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “These weeks without you have been torture, and even though it scares the hell out of me, I don’t want to miss another moment with you.”
If I were a praying man, I’d drop to my knees and praise whatever god listened.
I claimed her lips with mine. “I’ve missed you so much.” My teeth tugged at my bottom lip, dying for a taste of her. Dying to bask in everything she was willing to give me. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
I scooped her up, wrapping her legs around my waist, wanting to feel every part of her. It had been too long since I got to have her this close to me.
Too fucking long.
She didn’t hesitate, her tongue meeting mine with equal parts gentle and desperate.
“I’ve missed kissing you,” I moaned into her mouth. “I’ve missed touching you.” Fingertips traveled under her dress and gripped her ass, my cock growing thicker when I felt her lack of underwear.
Her hips ground down against me, drawing out a hiss as she rolled herself along my erection. She hummed with arousal, her legs tightening around me, and her kisses turning ravenous.
All those weeks without each other broke free in that one moment.
“Someone once told me that having sex on the beach wasn’t a good idea,” I teased between kissing her.
“Sounds like a pretty smart person to me,” she giggled. “But sometimes, when you find the right person, it’s worth the risk.”
“Is that so?” I ran my lips along her jaw until I reached her ear. “Am I worth the risk?”
“Yes.” She tilted her head away, memorizing green orbs connecting with mine. “Je t’aime, Jaxon.”
“I love you too, ma douceur,” I smiled. “For now and forever.”
She was mine, and I was hers.
Sealing my lips back on hers, the sun above us shone brightly, and the gray-scale world around me gained its color once again.