21. Cas
Chapter twenty-one
Cas
I tell myself the night is young. There is still time. I can change my mind. Never before have I felt the need to talk myself into what I think I want. Now all I need to do is admit to myself what I want has changed.
Going on that first date with Will is a mistake I can’t take back. I know—hindsight and all that. For some reason, I convince myself that because I’m not normal, I really can get someone out of my system. And for the past few weeks, all I’ve been thinking about is meeting Will so he can dick me down. Once that happens, I’ll be able to decide if it wasn’t so great that I need to keep him around, or that once is enough for me. And I am incredibly wrong about both.
Twelve hours after bringing him home, and we’ve done little more than have sex repeatedly then sleep, only to wake and start all over again. We haven’t even left the fort, but sleeping on the floor isn’t bad at all with the thin mattress and thick blankets beneath us. I still don’t think I can pry myself upright after lying down for so long. My body feels as if moss and grass have grown over me and I don’t have the strength to rip up the roots of the overgrowth just so I can move. I am sore, and exhausted, and I tell myself those two things are what’s kept Will alive. I can’t be bothered to do anything more than lie here right now.
“I have the whole day off,” Will whispers before planting a kiss on my temple. His fingers curl at the lowest point of my back, then he smirks when I groan and sink further down next to him.
“I should get up though,” I grumble.
“Should. Not must,” he teases.
Will’s right. I check the bees twice a day, literally just walk the property and look for any potential problems around the hives. And this time of year, I make sure everyone has fresh water and something to eat, just in case. The bees aren’t going to know or care if I go out later, and really, I’m a lot more attentive than necessary. Most hives can go up to two weeks without any human interference.
“How about a compromise, hmm?” Will rolls and takes one of my hands in his. “We get up. We bathe. I’ll feed you. You get to feel productive.”
“How is that a compromise?”
“After that, you’re all mine .”
I roll my eyes, but he’s managed to make me smile. Which is weird, because normally that’s a practiced gesture, but I don’t even have to think about it this time. So much falls into place naturally with Will and I don’t get it.
Will’s unabashedly staring at my cock while his hand glides down the trail of hair below my navel. Try as I may, I end up twitching and he stops, stroking upward to my abs instead.
“You really don’t like that, huh?” Will mumbles. He’s watching me but also seems to be deep in thought while speaking.
“Not really, no.”
“Why?”
I shrug, since I can’t really say. Maybe I’ve got fucked-up nerve endings, or it’s something psychological, or I’m truly abnormal in every sense.
“You really like being touched, though.” He runs a hand through my hair as if to prove his point and fuck him, because I move my head to follow the path of his hand as he does. “And you definitely enjoy friction on your cock. I bet you’d get off from a good frot.”
“Maybe.” I won’t hold my breath, but he’s made miracles happen before.
“What don’t you like about it?”
“It’s… you know how sometimes a light touch is pleasant, and other times it tickles and makes you shiver? It’s like that, only I get the overstimulated feeling most of the time. And it doesn’t bother me when I’m doing the touching because it’s more like trying to tickle myself. The downside being, it doesn’t often feel good enough to orgasm, either. I’ve got to be really turned on, preferably fucking something. Or someone. Still no guarantee.”
“Mmmmmm, then you must’ve been extremely turned on last night.”
Yes. Not saying it aloud, but yes, I don’t think I’ve ever been as horny in my entire life as I was last night. I literally had Will right where I wanted him, when what I wanted changed for the first time ever. All the soreness and grogginess today is so worth it because until I met Will, I had given up on enjoying sex, never mind coming multiple times in a single night.
“And you thought being bored out of your mind made you a good top.” Will moves on to tracing up my throat to my chin. “I did say I’d turn you into a bottom even if it killed me.”
I roll my eyes. Maybe he’s onto something here, but this feels like the gay statement all over again. Not sure it counts if I’ve never considered it before and I never would again. Not for anyone else, that is.
“You get what you get.”
“I’ve never met anyone so committed to coming hands free. Makes you the perfect bottom.” His lips curl into a mischievous smile.
I throw a leg over him and trap him closer to me. When he moves to set his hand on my thigh, I smack him away.
“And a bratty bottom, too. I should start calling you BB instead of baby.”
“You are so ridiculous,” I laugh.
“Coming from the man who called me PP. At least I made it cute.” He pulls my chin to his face and plants a kiss on my lips.
“You’re making me sound obnoxious.”
“You kind of are.” He creeps his hand up my leg, all while staring at me. “You’re so defiant, you’d rather deny yourself what you want, so long as it means not giving me what I want, too.”
That may be accurate, but we’re not going there right now. “What do you think I want right now?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Will teases. He runs his hand along my side and smiles when my skin shudders. “I can tell you what’s going to happen, though.”
“What’s that, then?”
“We are going to keep doing this thing and be together. And you are going to give me everything I want.”
“Someone sounds confident,” I chuckle. And I’ll admit, it’s somewhat endearing when I could choke the life right out of him if I could be bothered to try. I just don’t want to yet.
“I’ve already won, baby. I got you.” He’s got a sly grin while he speaks, bringing his lips only a breath away from mine. “Just a matter of time before I get the rest.”
We actually manage to leave the fort later that morning. Not right away, because Will is forever determined to love on me and I don’t hate it. If anything, I like it so much more than I’d ever want to admit. Not only the kissing, but the constant petting and holding on to one part of me or another. The man constantly overwhelms me in every sense of the word.
And maybe that’s because the slightest wave of astonishment washes over me when what I want changes again. Will unknowingly calms me right down and I tell myself what I have been for the last few weeks. I can change my mind at any time in either direction. Except, the last few times that urge appeared, I didn’t want Will. Going this long has left me as desperate as when you’re so horny you’re about ready to fuck anyone, but you still have some set of preferences. Yet even when Will is right in front of me, and I feel myself itching to give his throat a hand necklace, my brain skips over the idea as if I’ve somehow lost interest. Maybe I have. I like how Will treats me like no one else exists in his world. Maybe even more so than my default method for achieving that feeling in the past. What the fuck.
We head to my bathroom right after and Will lets out a low whistle that echoes off the walls. Okay, I admit, it’s a really nice bathroom. I’m weirdly specific about a lot, and this is one of those things. I made sure when I remodeled that I started with the bathroom because if I ran out of money I wanted this done even more than the kitchen or bedrooms.
Giant shower, with multiple shower heads to accommodate standing or sitting. Giant window that takes up the entire wall because it’s my fucking property. No one’s seeing me naked but the wildlife and they don’t give a damn. A large square tub made of natural stone running the length of the window and encased in the plank floor, making it accessible with a set of stairs.
“Nice onsen.”
Clearly, I make some kind of expression because Will scoffs at me.
“What? I told you I’m cultured. I know an onsen when I see one.”
“Yeah, I just, uh…” And I don’t even know how to communicate that I honestly believed he wouldn’t have the slightest clue what I was going for here, never mind the actual word.
“I get it. You think I’m stupid.”
“No,” I quickly disagree.
“It’s okay. It’s the good looks. Doesn’t seem fair to be this attractive and intelligent.” He winks.
Fucking tease.
I start the water for the tub first, then we rinse off all the yuck of sweat and sex in the shower before walking over, still dripping and cool, to climb into the scalding hot water. So nice. And of course, because it’s Will, he hardly has a hand off me the entire time. And because it’s me, I bask in the constant attention.
“Hell yes, the water is lava,” Will says when he climbs in after me. He lets out a pleased sigh. “I swear, you only get more perfect with each passing moment.”
I snort and shake my head. Oh, if only he knew. And he never will. Until I change my mind, and then it will be too late for him, anyway.
“C’mere, baby.” Will opens up his arms and I slosh through the water over to him. “It’s cute how you get impressed so easily.”
“I’m not impressed,” I grumble. Maybe a smidge. Not admitting it.
“Then impress me. Tell me something.”
“About what?”
“Anything. Any kind of weird little trivia that comes to mind. Maybe some quirky shit from when you were a kid. Like right up until I was a preteen, I used to find a way to peel everything I ate.”
I shrug.
“Aw, c’mon.”
“I… don’t know.”
“How do you not know?”
I’d repeat myself, but rather than risking an infinite loop of questions, I give him the best answer I can. “It’s sort of… not there.”
“Like, you can’t remember your childhood?”
I shrug again. “That implies I forgot. It feels more like it never happened. It’s just… blank.”
“Shit,” he mumbles. After a minute or so of holding onto me and stroking my arm, he changes the subject. “Tell me something about bees.”
“You don’t want to hear that,” I chuckle to myself.
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you—”
“I do,” he says with the forceful voice that never fails to send a shiver through me. “I like how excited you get about the stuff that interests you.”
Well, that’s embarrassing enough for me to keep my mouth shut.
“Anything.” He softens right back to a whisper before kissing my neck once and resuming his affectionate stroking up to my shoulders.
“Okay.” Probably going to regret this. No one cares to hear about this shit. Ever. I suppose Will is the type who needs to learn the hard way. “Nothing keeps farmed bees in manmade hives. They choose to stay.”
“Why is that?”
“No one really knows. They could leave and make their own hive, but they don’t. Maybe they realize that if they are willing to make a sacrifice, they can stay somewhere safer. Someone will take care of them. You’re like… their god.”
“I can see why that might appeal to someone.”
I huff.
“What? I can barely motivate myself enough to pay my bills on time. I’d make a shitty higher entity to the legion who depended on me. You’re clearly more responsible.”
“You make it sound as if I’m the only thing standing between life and death for mostly self-sufficient animals. I think you could handle it.”
“Nope. I’ve only got enough in me to take care of one other person, but do a really, really good job at it.” And if there were any doubt at all in my mind what he meant, he kisses the top of my head.
Okay. Well. That was kind of sweet, but I can’t be fawning all over him and maintaining this level of interest. I need to pull back some. If I continue being nothing but honest with him, I’ll risk telling him everything.