29. Cas
Chapter twenty-nine
Cas
T here is what I hope Will does, what I think he’ll do, and what he actually ended up doing. All three of these scenarios may have different answers, and not knowing which one he chose leaves me uneasy. I hope he’ll be smart like I know he is. I think he’ll stay loyal to me above all else. I can’t know for certain. I don’t like not knowing things.
Will comes by the house that afternoon, and I’m caught between acting as if everything is normal and holding back some until I can gauge the situation. When he walks into the house, he smiles yet looks sad when he wraps his arms around me. He’s not a very emotional person. I wouldn’t say totally devoid. But then again, neither am I. We’re both merely below average in that area.
“I love you,” he murmurs in my ear.
“I…” I don’t know. I feel things for Will that I’ve never felt for anyone else. The fact that I feel anything at all for him speaks for itself, but that’s not love.
“It’s okay,” he says while shushing me. “You don’t have to say it back. I know how you feel.”
“You do?”
“Yeah,” he says with a sniffle. When he pulls back and combs a hand through my hair, he looks at me with red-rimmed eyes. “And I know what you did, baby.”
I don’t really know how to respond to that, so I don’t respond at all. No point in lying. Still, it feels as if I’ve disappointed him and for the first time ever, that’s something that bothers me.
“What am I supposed to do about that, huh?”
“Whatever you want,” I calmly say.
“Cas…”
“I’m yours,” I remind him. “You get to do whatever you want to me.”
Will pulls me closer again, threading with me while I squeeze my arms around his waist. He kisses the top of my head and holds me close enough to suffocate me. I do care about Will. I do. I still care about myself more. Most. Always have. Always will.
Sometimes, self-preservation means doing hard things. And I have to do this.
“Come to the greenhouse with me,” I whisper into his chest.
“Now?”
I nod.
“Why?”
“Come with me,” I repeat.
Will takes a deep breath. “Okay.”
We trudge through the fresh snow to my massive greenhouse further back on the property. This is a place I’ve wanted to bring him for a long time now. Only I kept telling myself, not yet. Soon. Not yet. Just a bit longer. Not yet.
Here we are.
The warm air hits as soon as I open the first door, making sure it’s closed all the way before I open the second set. The bees swarm the room, even at the door. It’s a massive colony and they’re all thrumming in unison.
“Come on,” I say, tugging his hand.
Will hesitates. “Don’t we need a suit?”
“Not for these. They don’t sting.”
“Can’t or won’t?” Despite his question and some hesitation, he follows me into the warm room and shuts the door behind him.
“Can’t. They can bite, but they will die if they do. Therefore, they won’t. They’re peaceful creatures so long as you don’t swat at them or something,” I say.
“They… don’t look like normal bees.” One lands on his shoulder and I put my hand out for it to crawl on me instead.
“They’re not.” I watch the little creature buzzing around my hand. These are not your typical cute and fluffy bumblebees, but lean, bright red and black creatures like something out of a nightmare. “Sometimes ugly things are harmless. And sometimes beautiful things are deadly.”
“Things like you?”
I flick my eyes over to him. “Only sometimes.”
Will releases a long sigh before he looks away, but I can see he gets what I’m saying. He’s never swatted at me. I’ve had ample opportunities and… I don’t want to. He’s never given me a reason, and I no longer have the desire. I never will with him. Not anymore.
“Do you remember what I told you about the domestic bees?” I ask.
“They choose to stay,” Will says, sadness still in his eyes when he looks back at me.
“That’s right.” I smirk. “They’re self-sufficient. They don’t need the comfort of domestication. They can come and go as they please. Kind of like you.”
“Then why are these locked up?”
“Easy. Imported.” Another lands on my arm and I move my hand for it to crawl there instead. “I could let them out, but they’re not meant for such a cold climate. And since they can never leave to feed themselves, they’d die without me. I own them. Completely.”
I offer my hand to Will, and he puts his palm out for a little buzzing friend. That warms my cold heart a bit. Enough for me to really smile.
“These are vulture bees.” I flick my eyes up to him and hold his gaze. “They produce a savory honey because they only eat one thing. Carrion.”
Impressive what they can do to a corpse, too.
Will closes his eyes and lets out a long sigh, but he doesn’t say anything for even longer. When he does break his silence, all he asks is, “Why did you bring me here, Cas?”
“You say you know how I feel about you. You don’t. You can’t. I don’t feel things like a normal person should.” I let out a measured sigh until he looks at me again and I stare right into his eyes with an unwavering gaze. “This is my limit and I won’t ever care more, no matter how much you want me to. Go ahead and love me, own me, fuck me however you want. I’ll be yours and I promise that won’t ever change. But if you fuck with me, with the trust I put in you, I will choke the life out of you and let them pick your body clean.”
“Do you really think I would do that?”
“You wouldn’t be standing right here if I did.” I turn and gently wrap my arms around him. Even now, he doesn’t have his guard up. I’ve realized it makes it easier for me to let mine down, too. “I don’t want to hurt you. Ever. What I want is for you to keep loving me the way you do and, in exchange, you get total control over me. Forever.”
Will stares down at me and I can only gulp while my heart thrums from uncertainty. I hate this feeling and I always have, but for once I want to believe I’ve found the person who won’t let me down. Not like everyone else always has.
“And you’ll be a good boy?” Will finally asks me.
“I can be. I have what I need now. I have you.”
Half his mouth raises in a smile. “Really? Almost sounds as if you’ve fallen in love.”
“You tripped me.” And I shine a smile up at him.
Will pulls me closer for a kiss that I sigh right into like easing into warm water. Self-preservation is hard. Sometimes difficult choices must be made. Even stupid ones.
Trusting Will is not smart. But he finally has what he’s always wanted: someone who’s completely and irreversibly dependent on him. He treasures that too much to throw it away. And we both know it.
He owns me so completely, I more than want him in return. I need him. Which means he gets to be the only thing that comes close to how much I care about myself. Without him, there is no me.
The End 3