32. Addison
32
ADDISON
S hame. Guilt. Embarrassment. I felt them all. But the emotion that was most prominent on my mother’s face was… anger.
Not anger because the person responsible for Father’s death was at my side. Or that our relationship might be more than just business.
Anger that I had dared question her.
“Treating myself with the money was the least I could have done,” she spat. “After everything your father did? I deserved it.”
I reached forward to take my mother’s hand, but she pulled it away. It stung enough to bring the tears back to my eyes.
I hated it when she was like this. Like a child when they didn’t get their way. But I had long since understood that this was the type of person she was.
Her body might have aged, but she would always remain the na?ve, spoiled, twenty-something-year-old she had been when Father married her.
There were times when I wished for another mother. A harder-working one. A more caring one. But wishing never got me anywhere in life.
“I’m not blaming you,” I said in the softest tone imaginable, even as a war was raging inside me. “I just want to know where it is. The hospital bills are no joke, and four million dollars would pay off all of it and then some?—”
“What kind of daughter are you, rushing into my room as soon as I wake up and accosting me?” I flinched at her tone. Pain radiated from my chest. “Where’s my sweet daughter? No, I’m so glad you’re alive, Mom ? No, I've missed you so much ? — ”
“She said that already,” Warren interrupted her for me. “ Four times before asking about the money, which you got defensive about. No one’s attacking you, Linda .”
Mother quieted down at Warren’s tone.
Something warm shifted inside me.
Has anyone ever stood up for me like that? Especially to my mother?
She had grown up wealthy, unlike Father, and had the claws and ego only someone who lived a pampered life with zero problems could have. Including the ability to be harsh without any consequences.
At least until now.
No one has ever been on my side like this before.
I had no siblings. Even the people she hired would bow their heads to her when it was time.
I was always the punching bag when she got angry. Always wrong. Always not good enough.
I’m so tired of it all.
But I never had the luxury to pout and whine like her. Even though I wanted to rage. Wanted to throw things. Wanted to scream and cry and throw a fit that was twenty years overdue.
But people like me, the ones who had to take care of their parents’ emotional needs, we had to be the ones holding it together because she sure as hell wouldn’t.
“Warren, can you wait outside?” I asked. I didn’t look at him, but I could feel his nod and the slight brush of his hand against my back as he left. It lingered even after he wasn’t by my side anymore.
His message was clear.
I’m here if you need me.
He was in no rush to leave and closed the door slowly, his eyes on me as if waiting for me to change my mind and call him back. I wanted to. I didn’t want to do this alone.
It felt so nice to lean on someone, but this wasn’t something I could say in front of him.
“Why did you do it?”
“I told you; I deserved the money. I put in years of work, and for him to ruin my reputation like that?—”
“Hurt yourself. Why did you hurt yourself?”
She looked down at her nails, the polish just barely at the tips after the nurses helped file them. She balled her fists as if to hide them. Pain flashed across her face.
I knew my mother was immature. A child inside an adult’s body. But, for the first time, I could see it.
See how broken she was. How scared.
I couldn’t help but pity her.
“It ran out,” she whispered.
“Ran out?” I echoed, unable to believe what I was hearing. Please let this be another lie. Please. Please. Please.
I took a deep breath, begging myself to hold it together.
“It’s been seven years since I got the money,” she snapped. “You really expected any of it to still be around?”
At that, the words were falling from my mouth before I could stop them.
“It was four million dollars, Mother. Yes, I expected at least some of it to still be lying around after I busted my ass to pay for everything month after month.”
Fuck. I couldn’t stop it. My body was shaking. My breathing rapid.
I had held on to hope that maybe my life would turn around. That it wouldn’t have to be this shitty. That something could go my way for once after everything.
But no. I wasn’t meant to get a break.
“Addison Mercer!” Mother hissed, trying to chide me like a child who was speaking out of line.
“You didn’t have to pay for anything, Mother. I was working to take care of us. So why? Why hide it? Where did you spend it? And why try to kill yourself when it was gone?”
“Because I couldn’t handle the shame of it anymore!” Her admission silenced my racing heart. “Everyone I knew still whispered about what he did! About the lives he ruined! They said I was responsible for not seeing it! For protecting him with my family name.”
She started sobbing at the end, and guilt ate at my insides.
Did she feel like this the entire time?
“So yes, I used the money so people wouldn’t know how poor we were,” she said. “They saw just how he ruined everyone else’s lives, but I still… I still wanted to come out on top, even if it was a lie. Because sometimes… Sometimes I thought they were right. If I hadn’t been with him, if my parents hadn’t tried all they could to clean up our image by marrying me off to him when they were still alive… maybe it wouldn’t have gotten so bad, you know?”
She blamed herself for it.
All this time, while I had been simmering in my misplaced anger, Mother had been killing herself from the inside out with all the guilt she’d been stockpiling.
This time when I reached forward, she let me take her hand.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whispered.
“Because you loved him,” she said, letting the tears fall. “And I couldn’t ruin that for you. Not after we ruined everything else. I know we were shitty parents, Addi. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a good mom to you. I just never knew how. The least I could give you was this.”
Her confession was like a knife to the chest.
It all comes back to me. And I never even noticed her struggle.
I squeezed her hand.
“I have it covered. You don’t have to worry about a thing, okay, Mom?”
Her tears flowed more heavily.
“I’m sorry, baby,” she said and shakily brought her hand to my hair. “I’ve put you in a tough spot.”
The knot in my throat grew.
“No more of this. None of this was your fault. We can’t keep thinking that way. Just focus on getting better,” I said. “And when you get out, we’ll start a new life together. Get you the help you need, okay?”
She nodded but said nothing else.
That was fine by me.
I had all I needed.