48. Lover
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
lover
ROMAN
“How many gummy worms?”
I’m standing in Sugarland Sweets getting Imogen the second half of my apology gift. I have no idea how today is going to go. I could come back to Emerald Bay with the woman I love, or drive the whole way back listening to Adele.
It’s a scary thought, but at least I love Adele.
“How many do you think it takes to say sorry?” I ask with a somewhat pained expression.
“Okay, you’re in the dog house. Got it,” the girl laughs, pointing out a giant barrel of rainbow colored taffy. “You should probably avoid those. They hit pretty hard if someone throws them at you.”
“God, it’s like you read my mind.”
When all is said and done, I’ve paid $50 for the biggest bag of candy I’ve ever seen, and the girl even wraps it all up with some pink ribbon. All I have to do now is turn in my resignation, then head to Seattle so that I can make things right.
Mitzy is waiting for me when I get back to the car, a bright pink bow around her neck as she sticks her head out the window. She’s been a little nervous all day, probably just matching my own somewhat manic energy, and I’ve already gotten used to the sound of her tail excitedly thumping against the leather. Thankfully, as I round the car to the driver’s seat, I can clearly see she didn’t decide to ruin my day by going to town on the two dozen roses sitting up front. It’s never mattered how many treats I give her, if she senses something’s wrong she won’t calm down until I do.
“These aren’t for you,” I tell her, holding up the bag of candy. “They’re going in the glove box where you can’t get to them.”
I hop in, reaching into the back seat to give her a good scratch.
“Let’s hope this goes well, huh, Mitz?”
I pull down the sun visor and take a look at myself in the mirror, just in time for her to wedge herself up between the seats and give me a big slobbering lick of encouragement. At the very least my face looks brighter and more hopeful after I shaved that depression beard. Being covered in dog drool might not be doing the most for my image, but this feels like a brand new start, however it turns out.
I start the car and head for the university, my heart immediately feeling like it’s trying to climb up my throat. The resignation letter feels like it’s burning a hole in my pocket, and I have no idea what I’m walking into, but at least now I know I’m making a concrete decision.
I just hope it’s the right one.
I take deep breaths, keeping myself steady through winding roads until I get to the top of the mountain, looking out over Emerald Bay University for what might be the last time. I’m going to miss this place, even though I’m no longer in love with the job anymore. I had a routine, familiarity, and things to ground me— but life is about moving forward. Sometimes the things we relied on to get us through our hardest moments don’t just keep us stable, they hold us back.
I have an interview set for next week with the Seattle Culinary Academy to see if I’m a good fit for the program, but more importantly, if it’s a good fit for me. It feels like applying to school for the very first time, and there’s an excitement to it that I haven’t felt since I was in my 20s. It’s a brand new industry with brand new challenges, and all I can hope is that I’m ready to meet them head on.
I get out of the car and slip the leash onto Mitzy, nuzzling her for a few heartbeats before we head out to the Sociology building. When we get inside, I breathe in the familiar scent of this place: coffee, old pastries, and stress. As I make my way to the elevator I pass by students filling up the study area, hunched over their laptops, scrolling through their phones, and napping on the couches. I can honestly say I’m going to miss seeing this every morning. No matter how right the decision is, it always hurts to walk away from something you used to love.
But I’m doing this for me.
Because I deserve to start over.
The elevator doors ding and I make my way down the hall, my bones beginning to grow heavier with each step. Instead of spiraling, I make sure to look down at my little furry companion, feeling instantly calmer as she gazes back up at me with curiosity. They say animals lower your blood pressure and I believe it. If it weren’t for her by my side right now, I think I’d be a few steps away from a stroke.
I knock on Frankie’s office door, lighter than I ever have before, with my heart in my throat and one of the weightiest things I’ve ever written in my pocket.
“Come in.”
Frankie looks up at me, his eyes wide with surprise as I step inside.
“You didn’t respond to the email about the hearing, and I thought…”
“I know.” I motion to the chair in front of him. “Can I sit? I brought Mitz, hope that’s okay.”
“That’s cool.” I drop Mitzy’s leash, and Frankie leans down as she runs to him. He scratches her behind the ear, shooting me a befuddled look. “So what’s going on?”
I reach into my jacket pocket and pull out the letter, sliding it across the desk.
Frankie’s head falls forward and he groans.
“Roman…”
“I have to, Frankie. That disciplinary hearing was going to put Imogen and I through the fucking wringer. You know what I’d have to tell the graduate committee when they asked me if I’ve ended the relationship, don’t you? I’d tell ‘em no, because I love that woman too much to let her go, and I’m not going to let the good things in my life pass me by anymore.” I take a deep breath. “All I want is Imogen, my dog, and some goddamn peace. That’s what I’ve been aching for since Christa died.”
Frankie stares at me, but he no longer looks surprised. I think he saw this coming from a mile away.
“You’re really doing this?”
“You were on my ass about finding someone? Well, I found them.”
Frankie looks back down at the letter, brushing his fingertips against the sharp corners, one by one.
“The letter says everything I just said to you, except there’s no cursing.”
“Damn, I was hoping there’d be more, like an R-rated version,” Frankie chuckles, opening it up to read it over.
I watch him for a long time as he takes in every word that’s on the page. It’s not the most professional resignation letter, but I thanked him for being an incredible colleague and an even better friend. I thanked him for being there for me after Christa’s death, for helping me get back in the saddle after I came back from sabbatical, and exactly what that meant to me. It was surprisingly easy to write.
“Dude, I think I have to frame this.”
I laugh and shrug my shoulders.
“Go nuts. It belongs to you.”
“Actually, I’ve gotta submit something to Ian, but I’m gonna keep the original because I need proof that you’ve actually said nice things about me.” He leans back in his chair, folding the letter back up and setting it on his desk. “So you’re really walking away from all of this for your girl, huh?”
I lean back, smiling as Mitzy bumps her head against my thigh.
“I haven’t really been living these last couple years, Frankie. You know that. When I met Imogen, everything changed. It was explosive, and it happened so fast— and I swear to you, this wasn’t some huge orchestrated thing. But for some reason, the universe pushed us together despite all the roadblocks. Even when we tried to ignore it, and tried to fight against it, things just kept happening that would make us give in. I kept giving in. At first, I thought I was just weak, that I had just been alone for too long, but that’s not it. Bit by bit, she was unlocking parts of me that I thought died when?—”
Now that I’m finally laying the truth bare, everything else I’ve been holding in seems to want some air time, too.
“Look, I just realized leaving this place was always in the cards for me.”
Frankie smiles, the look in his eyes confirming for certain that he knew this was coming for a while. Maybe everyone did, and I was just too stubborn to see it. I threw myself back into my work because it was all I knew; it became something that I could get lost in— so lost that it took time to find myself again.
“So, assuming I accept this very emotional and complimentary resignation letter, what’s the plan?”
“Well, I have an interview at a culinary school in Seattle.”
The second I say the words, his eyes light up.
“I was hoping you’d say something like that.”
“I’m not sure if it’ll work out, at least not right away, but I know I have to take a breather. That, and embrace as much change as I can manage.”
“You know, these are all very anti-Roman ideas.” He laughs. “If you weren’t quitting I’d ask you to take a mandatory medical exam.”
“That was the old me. I’m new and improved now.”
“Knees still suck though, right?”
“Big time.”
The two of us chuckle together for a moment before Frankie lets out a sigh, clasping his hands on his desk.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a brave thing. I’m looking forward to shooting pool and singing karaoke with this new Roman.”
“I may be new and improved, but not enough for karaoke.”
“Keep telling yourself that, pal. We’ll get you onstage one day.”
My chin trembles and I swallow to keep myself from bursting into tears. I didn’t have siblings growing up, so Frankie and Logan have pretty much been like the brothers I never had.
“I really want to be a better man, Frankie, and I think this is the first big step in that direction.”
“I’m happy for you, dude. If anyone deserves a fresh start, it’s you.”
Relief sinks into my bones, finally allowing me a bit of calm for the first time since I started writing that letter. It’s quiet and gentle. It’s what I’ve been looking for for a goddamn year.
And I know I made the right choice.
“Well, this has been an altogether pleasant HR experience. You’re really working for your salary these days.”
“Yeah, and it’s all your fault, dickhead.”
“Hey, there he is. There’s the man I love.”
Life won’t be the same without the two of us sniping at each other, but I welcome the change of pace. Best of all, I can finally delete the school's email app on my phone.
Frankie stands and walks me to the door, pulling me in for a hug as Mitzy dances around us.
“End of an era,” he mutters, squeezing me tight.
“Yeah,” I manage to choke out. “But it was a good run while it lasted.”