Chapter 5
Switch
Sitting in the DRMC SUV I watch them like a total creep as they move around their little home, warm light illuminating them from behind as they excitedly set the table in the dining room.
They look so happy. Gone are the two people I met that night, all curled into themselves, eyes darting at danger all around them.
It feels like such a long time ago and yet it really isn't. It’s not enough time to heal from the horrors they’ve lived through, nor is it enough time to move forward with someone like me, even if that’s what I want down to my bones.
If all I can have is these little snippets where I build a friendship with an amazing woman and her little girl then that’s enough. It has to be.
Opening the door I swipe the pizza off the seat and slide my bulk out of the car.
Slamming the door shut behind me has Joy and Kit’s heads snapping in my direction.
For a moment there I think I’ve startled them and like scared little rabbits they’ll flee deeper inside their little home.
Instead both their shoulders relax and smiles tug at their lips as Kit waves excitedly.
Movement at the corner of my eye has me spinning on a growl only to freeze when recognition hits me.
“Mad Dog? What the fuck are you doing over there?” I jerk my chin at where he stands stock still on the other side of the small fence that separates Joy’s place from Willa’s. “Are you visiting Willa?”
“Um, no?” Mad Dog says, before his brows pull down. “You didn’t see shit!”
“Embarassed, are ya?” a feminine voice calls.
My gaze meets Willa’s amused expression as she stands on her front porch, one leg crossed over the other, her arms crossed over her chest, hair loose in a flowy gown thing.
“What? No!” Mad Dog says, spinning to look at Willa before turning back to me. “Brother, just, keep this under your hat. I don’t need fucking Pops on my case.”
A smirk tugs at my lips as I pretend to zip them shut and continue my walk up Joy’s path, nodding at Willa on my way past. “Ma’am.”
“Doctor,” she replies with a wink before turning her amused glance back to Mad Dog. “So, who’s this ‘Pops’ guy? Is he someone I should meet?”
I laugh out loud at Mad Dog’s growl as I knock gently on Joy’s door and then listen to the rumble of little feet as they make their way closer and closer.
I can hear murmuring coming from the other side before a little voice calls, “Who is it?”
“It’s the BGG, the Big Ginger Giant,” I tease and my lips lift at Kit’s giggle.
The door is flung open and I’m met with pretty smiles from Joy and Kit, my chest aching a little at the sight.
“Well, hey there pretty ladies! I heard someone ordered pizza.”
“It was me!” Kit says bouncing in place.
“Well that’s good because I got this weird sounding pizza that has pineapple on it and I think it might be yours?”
“It’s my favorite!” Kit says dancing around in the hall before shyly reaching for my hand. When I gently grip her tiny fingers in mine she grins and leads me to the dining room.
“Whoa, you’ve done a lot of unpacking, this place looks good, babe,” I praise.
It does look good. The little tchotchkes are placed around her home, showing little flashes of personality that I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing just yet. It’s homely and sweet and quite a lot more quirky than I would have imagined.
I pluck a cute little duck off the shelf and realize it’s a salt and pepper shaker, its mate sitting on the shelf still. Looking closer I notice little pairs of salt and pepper shakers dotted around. Some are the usual you’d expect, others, like the ducks, are cartoony and fun.
“Oh, um, I like salt and pepper shakers,” Joy murmurs, her cheeks flushing bright pink.
“I like them too,” I smile back. It’s not a lie, I just never knew I liked them until I saw them here.
“Let's eat pizza!” Kit whisper yells, eyes wide as she picks up her piece, watching the cheese stretch.
“Yes, let's eat.” Joy gestures for me to sit and I do.
“So, what did Chewy mean when she said ‘regular’ -” my eyes dart to Kit before I clear my throat, “ah, ‘regular unalive’,” I ask Joy who chokes on her pizza before giggling.
“Chewy gave us a whole lecture on how to avoid that happening. I just have to be not attractive, straight or polite and I should be safe.” She snorts before taking a big bite of pizza.
I stare at her, her lips glossy with cheese grease, her eyes closed as she moans around her mouthful.
I’m going to die from blood loss to the brain.
All of it has flooded my dick. Clearing my throat I adjust myself under the table and instead think of all the gross shit Chewy has done to people in the Rev Room.
The mental image of that Renae woman exploding has my cock deflating in record time.
“Chewy is so funny,” Joy says, after swallowing her mouthful.
I snort. “Yeah, she’s something alright.”
“I think she’s wonderful,” Joy says with a warm smile. “All the women are. I can’t thank you enough for helping me and introducing me to such wonderful people, Switch.”
“No need to thank me, babe -”
“Yes, there is.” Joy’s dark eyes search mine.
“You don’t understand what you’ve given me, Switch.
I’ve never been lucky enough in my life to have a family.
Not a real one. I thought I found it once, but I was young and desperate to be free to build something with love.
” Her eyes swim before she sniffs and gives me a watery smile.
“It may have taken me a while to get there, but I think thanks to you and all my new friends I may have what I’ve always hoped. ”
Fuck. I know I need to tell her about Hitchens and the danger that still swirls around her.
I know it’s the right thing to do, but right here, right now?
I just want her to be happy. In this moment I can give her that, I can give her the dream.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will shatter her happiness.
But tonight is for her and Kit to enjoy their pizza, for us to get to know each other a little more, to watch a movie and joke and laugh and revel in safety. So that’s what we’ll do.
Joy
Switch smiles along with Kit as we eat our pizza but something is a little…
off. I’m not sure what it is. It’s not bad, at least I don’t think it is.
He seems relaxed enough, it’s just that his easy smile seems less easy now.
I want to ask what’s wrong, maybe I can fix it.
Maybe he doesn't like the pizza, maybe I can cook him something else or maybe the house is too messy or maybe I - I freeze. My pizza halfway to my mouth as I catch my brain going through 1001 different ways to change the mood of a man I don’t know enough about to make happy.
Placing my pizza down I wipe my hands on a napkin and quickly excuse myself, my gaze darting to Kit to make sure she’s relaxed and happy.
My friendship with Switch may be new, but I know with every fiber of my being that this man would never hurt my child. Quite the opposite.
“I’ll be back in a moment,” I murmur, fists clenched and eyes down as I scurry from the dining room upstairs to my bedroom.
Shaking out my hands I pace back and forth at the foot of the bed, taking deep breaths just like my therapist taught me.
I need to stop the loop in my brain, the one that notices every little shift of mood, the one that tells me it’s all my fault and it's up to me to make it all better because if I don’t, if I don’t it’ll all turn bad.
It’s self-preservation. If I don’t fix it and I get hurt then who will look after Kit?
Who will protect her? Who will keep her safe?
“I’m safe, we’re safe, Kit is safe,” I whisper to myself over and over and over, fist shaking, trying to get it into my thick skull but it isn’t working like it should. “You’re doing it wrong, of course you’re doing it wrong. Why wouldn't you be doing it wrong? You’re stupid, stupid, stu-”
Thick arms wrap around me from behind and my body jolts in panic.
Twisting I try to remember all the things I learned tonight, the kicking, the twisting, the punching and none of it comes to mind.
None of it filters through, but what does filter through is a smell I know.
Leather and alcohol, but not the kind my late husband’s breath reeked of.
This alcohol is the kind that clings to the ER and doctor’s surgeries.
“That’s it, I’ve got you. I’ve got you Joy,” Switch murmurs, bombastic with everyone else, but quiet with me as his voice whispers in my ear. His breath hot on my neck, his bulk behind me warm and grounding. “I’ve got you, Rocky Balboa.”
I spin my head to look at him, eyebrow arched in question, my earlier thoughts gone as I stare at him in confusion.
He huffs. “Rocky, like the film about the boxer? That was you tonight when you kicked Niko’s ass.”
“Oh.” My eyes cast downward even if the corner of my lip turns up.
Switch leads me to the bed where he releases me and for some reason I feel bereft. That feeling doesn't last too long as he gently gets me to sit on the edge of the bed before resting his bulk beside me and taking my hand in his.
“Want to tell me what happened back there?” he asks gently, his blue eyes searching mine.
“It’s stup-”
“And don’t use that word,” he says firmly. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that word again, especially not about yourself, you get me?” He peers down at me, waiting for me to give him my gaze.
“Sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about, babe. It’s just none of the shit I heard you telling yourself is true. I only want the truth.”
Taking a deep breath I chance a peek at him before letting it out.
I feel safe, safe enough to share my thoughts.
“It's going to sound sil-” I stop myself at his raised brow. “Sorry, ugh, gah, sorry again, just ignore that one!” I wave my free hand at him and don’t miss how he tries to hide his smile before sobering and nodding at me to carry on.
“I felt a slight change in you. In your mood and I worried that it was something I had done and then my brain started listing all the things that I could do to make things better for you and I, I, I -”
“You spiralled,” Switch finishes for me.
With it out in the open, out loud I feel like shit. Lower than shit. Like a lump of anxieties and uselessness. This is what people used to tell me I was. My dad, my husband.
“Babe, what was happening down there is not on you. Fuck, shit. It’s on me.
” He runs a hand down his face, lingering on his beard as he tugs on it a little.
“I got some news that pissed me way the fuck off at Church tonight and I needed to get eyes on Kit and on you which is why I came to the gym. And why I wanted to have dinner with y’all. ”
I deflate a little, it feels good to know that it wasn’t something I did. Until the words filter through my mind. Church.
“Oh, um, this news, I’m guessing it's not…good.”
He turns to look at me, his perfect teeth chewing at the edge of his lip as if he’s not sure what, if anything, to say.
“Fuck. I asked you to tell me the truth, and it’s only right for me to offer the same.
” He angles his body so that he can take both of my hands in his, squeezing gently.
The pressure tells me that whatever he is about to say is going to be bad.
“Before Travis died he, fuck,” he takes a deep breath, “he let his boss sell Kit to some rich fucker.” He says quickly on the breath he lets out.
I blink once, twice, as his words start to filter their way through my mind but I can’t quite comprehend what’s happening. It’s like I’ve somehow been dropped into a cold pool and I don’t know which way is up as the cold steals my breath and I scramble to find air.
“Ah shit, Joy, baby, I need you to find five things you can see. Tell me what they are.” Switch’s firm voice breaks through the haze I’m trapped in.
My head spins wildly as I try to focus on things I can see, why can’t I see? I can’t focus enough to see anything.
“OK, Joy, find five things that are blue. Five blue things, baby. What are they?”
My eyes land on a painting Kit gave me after school yesterday. “Kit’s painting of the beach,” I wheeze out.
“Good, so good, what else?”
“My slippers,” my lips whisper out as my eyes are already scanning the room for the next blue thing I can see. “The little book on my shelf,”
“You’re doing great, babe. Two more things Joy,” Switch soothes, running his hand over my hair as my breathing starts to calm.
“The cushion on the chair by the window, and -” my gaze swings around my room again, trying to find anything blue before landing on the man in front of me, “your eyes,” I whisper out before my eyes close and I slump into Switch’s arms.
He catches me, as I knew he would and a sob rips from my chest, I’m not sure why, all I know is at this moment my body needs this. Needs him.
“I’ve got you, Joy. I’ve got you and Kit and nothing and no one is going to harm you. You hear me?” he grits out, his warm breath ghosting over me.
“Yes,” I croak out.
“Good.” He rocks me slightly. “Good. Whoever this fucker is that thinks he can own Kit has another thing coming. He has the DRMC looking for him and we will end him, Joy.”
“Why are you helping me? I’m nobody.” I whisper out, still raw from my meltdown. From the voices that swirl in my head, the ones I carry with me.
“Because you and Kit deserve to live a wonderful fucking life in your little house, safe and sound. You deserve to have so much happiness that you two will shit rainbows.”
I snort and then giggle a little before that small giggle turns into a tremulous laugh. “Thank you, Switch, just, thank you.”
“Anytime, babe. Anytime.”