CHAPTER TWENTY
Dropping under the numerous branches of a hawthorn, Thom glanced at Ilain. “Thanks for getting me off the second shift,” he said half-heartedly. “I’m indebted to you.”
Ilain flicked her fingers, sending up small spurts of flame with a bored flare. “Any time.”
After dinner and the show (the testing of Deckard’s classification), Deckard had pulled Thom and Ethenn aside, informing them of the switch in watch pairings.
He said it was because, in thinking it over, it made more sense for Ethenn to have the later shift with his keen hunter’s eyesight.
But the true reason was evident to both soldiers: Ilain had made a request.
Thom glanced over his shoulder, catching as Ethenn settled uncomfortably on the ground, preparing for sleep.
“I take it the kid isn’t getting the idea?
” he said, turning back to Ilain. She’d selected their spot on the rise of a hill.
It was farther away from the camp than usual, but the vantage was better.
Unemotionally, Ilain continued to play with Fire magic. “He all but told me he loves me.”
Thom snorted. “Idiot. Every man knows that’s the last thing you tell a woman unless you’re sure she loves you back.”
Ilain raised a coppery eyebrow at him. “I didn’t realize you were an expert in romance.”
“Not an expert, no.” He propped his arms on his knees. “But I’ve learned a thing or two over the years.”
“Spare me the details,” she said with a grimace.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he said teasingly. “You might find them enlightening.”
“I’ve no interest in hearing about your illicit affairs.”
“Illicit?” He scoffed. “My love affairs have all been aboveboard, I promise you.”
Ilain eyed him. “How many women have you dallied with?”
He smirked. “Not that many. But enough to be well informed.”
“Mm. I’ll take your word for it.” Ilain returned to her Fireplay, the flames glittering in the gem-encrusted rings she wore.
Thom gestured to them. “What are all those?” he asked.
She looked at her hands. “My rings?”
“Yes.”
“They represent the elements.” She spread her fingers, the varied gemstones casting a subtle sheen in the dim light of night.
She pointed to each gold ring as she explained.
“Ruby for Fire, sapphire for Water, diamond for Wind,” she switched, pointing to her left hand, “and emerald for Terrae. I’ve spent the last thirty years imbuing each gemstone with extra stores of the resources, allowing me to access each one more easily.
Though I never touch them. I’m saving their power for something . . . special.”
“Oh.” He pressed his lips together in consideration. “They actually have a purpose. I always thought they were simply ostentatious.”
Her smile turned sly. “They are ostentatious. That’s the point.”
“I thought the point was making you a better Mage,” he replied dryly.
She flipped a hand through the air. “That’s a byproduct. But I could wear them as a necklace or something far less showy. I chose the rings because they make people think I’m flippant and garish. They underestimate me because of it, and that’s how I like it.”
“You want to be underestimated?”
“Of course. When they think I’m a foolish young woman, they don’t expect me to be so strong and cunning. It gives me the upper hand in practically every situation.”
Thom could see the merit in the idea but not the appeal. “Don’t people treat you as a lesser that way? If they think you’re a fool, they won’t respect you.”
“Respect is like sex,” she said bluntly. “Nice if you can get it, but not necessary for personal survival.”
Thom stared at her, baffled to hear a woman say something so crass. In Ephria, no woman of good repute would dare say something that suggestive. “Are all Waulden women as lewd as you?” he asked in a tone somewhere between good-humored and perplexed.
Ilain’s jade eyes sparkled like her gemstones. “When you’re forty-two and have only just begun to experience real life, you realize there’s very little use in holding back for the sake of propriety.”
With a shake of his head, Thom marveled at the oddity of Ilain Calder. Mages were a strange breed.
The thought made Thom frown, reminding him that his brother was a Mage now. He’d done his best to ignore the fact, to forget that Deckard had yet again surpassed him. But it seemed a truth he couldn’t escape.
Clearing his throat, Thom stared out into the night. “Do all Mages, uh . . . never grow old?” he asked.
Ilain’s light laugh rankled. “If you’re worried about watching your brother grow old, don’t be,” she said. “You’ll be dead long before he is.”
Thom’s head whipped toward her.
She met his stare steadily. “Mages live for centuries,” she said, then paused. “Well, most of us do. The more powerful we are, the longer we live. The weakest have perhaps a century and a half, while the rest can go on for at least two to three.”
His mind couldn’t fathom such a thing. “You mean that . . . Jonn will live for centuries?”
“Most likely. Especially if he and Evylin Bond.”
Thom couldn’t hide his scowl.
Ilain rolled her eyes. “What is it about you and your brother? Why can’t you ever be happy for him?”
He shifted uncomfortably, clasping his hands between his knees. “As the most powerful Mage in two centuries and a goddess incarnate, you wouldn’t understand.”
“Is that so? Hm.” Ilain tapped a finger to her chin, mockingly thoughtful. “Could that mean that darling Thom Deckard is jealous of his brother’s power and esteem? Oh, as someone who’s vastly more special than everyone else, how will I ever know?”
Thom gave her a chastising glare.
With a speed he hadn’t known she possessed, Ilain reached over and smacked the side of his head. “Don’t be an idiot,” she chided. “You’re a grown man. Get over your petty jealousies and recognize that what your brother does or doesn’t have isn’t a reflection on you.”
Rubbing the side of his head where her emerald ring had most assuredly left a mark, Thom glowered. “You don’t know what it’s like,” he spat.
“Don’t I?”
“How could you?” he said confidently. “You’re an incredible, fearless woman who’s never had to stand in anyone’s shadow. How could you possibly understand what it feels like to grow up with him as your brother?”
Ilain’s gaze was fiery, though she remained silent.
Thom leaned toward her, keeping his voice hushed so that it wouldn’t carry back to the camp. “He’s perfect. That’s what I’ve heard my entire life. ‘Oh, look at Jonn, how brilliant he is.’ ‘What an impressive young man you are, Jonn.’ ‘You’re so wonderful, Jonn, I’ve named my bloody son after you.’”
He shook his head, the irritation of twenty-seven years festering. “And now—” He glared out into the darkness, staring into the dripping pines and rain-splattered ferns. “Now, he’s a damn Mage, and I’m still nothing.”
The chirrup of night insects filled his ears.
A long, charged pause echoed in the space between them.
He stared at his hands, somewhat embarrassed.
He’d never expected to find himself confiding in Ilain.
From the outset, he’d seen her as vapid and annoying.
Just what she’d intended, he now realized.
And somehow, over the last week and a half, he’d come to trust her enough to reveal his darkest secrets to her.
Ilain sighed, resting her hands on her lap. “Well,” she said softly, “I stand by my earlier statement.”
Thom felt as though she’d slapped him again. He gaped at her, unsure what to say. He’d expected her pity, not her derision. “Are you heartless?”
She scoffed. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry you weren’t chosen by Allore himself to be one of his most powerful servants, but at least you can live your life however you want.”
Thom’s brows pulled together, unsure how to respond to that.
“Meanwhile,” Ilain continued sourly, “the rest of us have to go about our lives hoping to be as lucky as Jonn and Evylin, miraculously falling in love with our magical equal.”
Thom grimaced. Though he sympathized with her sentiment, she wasn’t privy to the full information regarding Deckard and Evylin’s relationship. “I wouldn’t consider them lucky,” he said.
“Well, I would,” she returned sharply. “You don’t know what it’s like, watching two people get everything you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl.
You don’t know how it feels to be constantly in the light, with every one of your actions scrutinized by those around you.
You couldn’t comprehend how it feels when a man tells you that you deserve every happiness, expecting nothing in return—when he’s lovely and kind and handsome and everything you wish you could have—you couldn’t begin to know what it feels like to ignore every urge within you and have to reject that love even if it’s the first and likely only time it will ever be offered. ”
With his breath caught somewhere between his chest and his throat, Thom stared at Ilain. “You love him?” he muttered. “Ethenn?”
“No.” Her head whipped forward to survey the forest around them, jaw set. “I only wish I could.”
Thom scratched his head, trying to comprehend everything she’d said.
No, he didn’t know what any of that was like.
As the inferior second-born son, no one expected anything of him.
He was granted freedom to do as he pleased.
But it was that lack of expectation that made him feel so second-rate and unwanted.
Following her gaze, Thom sighed. “We’re quite the pair. An all-powerful Mage and a covetous wretch.”
“Don’t think so poorly of yourself,” Ilain said. “People like you; you’re just not willing to see it.”
“You don’t think I want to be liked?”
“No, because if you were—if you weren’t so wretched as you claim—then you’d have to let go of your bitterness.”
Thom thought he should be angry with her. It should hurt to hear such a demoralizing truth. Yet, he found himself studying her anew. “You’re a strange woman, my Highlady Calder,” he said.
She smiled, eyes still on the forest even as she took his hand. After a solitary squeeze, she let go. “Don’t fall in love with me, Thom,” she warned. “I can’t be with you either.”
A rueful grin came to his lips. “Doesn’t mean you couldn’t have some fun,” he quipped.
“I’m not in the habit of deceiving myself,” she replied, then her eyes met his at last. “And I’m under no illusions about your worth.”
Thom blinked, instantly unsettled.
Ilain didn’t back down. “I won’t risk losing myself to you or Ethenn. No matter how wonderful either of you may be.”
“I’m—” Thom hesitated, then cleared his throat. “I’m not interested in—”
“I know,” she interrupted. “And I’d like to keep it that way.”
They were silent after that, neither willing to be any more vulnerable than they already had.
Thom picked at the hem of his coat sleeve.
In his head, he knew that Ilain was correct.
He had friends, of course. His officers and fellow soldiers liked him.
Hewitt had even chosen him to train on his exclusive team.
Rafferty, Evylin, and Ethenn all sought out his company. So he couldn’t deny that he was liked.
Yet, deep down, his heart didn’t accept it. Not when, at every opportunity, his brother was chosen over him. No matter how much he knew the truth, he didn’t feel it. And with the comparison of Deckard to live up to, Thom wasn’t sure if he ever would.