CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT #2
Ilain stared at the fire once more. “No. She’s locked in the Deep, her mind gone mad while her body lives on in a state of stasis.”
Thom drew back. “That’s awful.”
“It is.”
“What—how—I mean, is there some way to heal her?”
A bitter grin pulled on Ilain’s lips. “That’s what Auden intends to find out.”
“I see.” Thom scrubbed a hand over his face. What a horrible fate. If that happened to Deckard . . .
Thom shook his head. “Your family has the most tragic past,” he said, then set a hand on her elbow. “I’m sorry.”
Turning to him, Ilain’s smile became genuine. “We’ve had a happy life too. My parents are well, and they love each other. Vayden found a woman he loves, and they have a daughter, Reyana, who’s thirteen and a total spitfire.”
Thom laughed with her, imagining a teen version of Ilain getting into all kinds of trouble.
“Reyana lives with my parents,” she explained, “as both Vayden and his wife, Isla, work for the Alliance. It keeps them from home a great deal, but Rey understands.”
“So what you’re saying,” Thom leaned closer, his voice lowering conspiratorially, “is that it’s just you who’s left bereft of love.”
Ilain jabbed him in the ribs. “Thank you for the reminder.”
Chuckling, Thom draped his arm around Ilain’s shoulders as he might with his sister, Meria. “Listen here, Highlady Calder: You’ve done this to yourself. There’s a Warrior out there in the forest who worships the ground those pale feet of yours walk on.”
She shuffled her feet under the hem of her skirt.
Thom shook her playfully. “Heavens know what you see in the boy, but if a twenty-year age gap doesn’t bother you, why should a simple misunderstanding?”
Ilain shrugged him off. “Ethenn’s more mature than you sometimes,” she said, then corrected, “Most times.”
Thom let out a good-natured huff. “Why do you think I like to remind him that he’s still a kid?”
Though she continued to smile, she avoided his gaze, remaining silent.
“You could be happy, too, Ilain.”
She looked over at him, a curious glint in her eyes. “And what about you? Could you be happy?”
Every part of Thom rebelled at the thought. No. No, he couldn’t. Not when he was so inferior. Not when he could never measure up. Not when he was unloved. He couldn’t be happy because he wasn’t worthy of happiness.
Yet, all his arguments didn’t seem to hold the same weight they once did.
A frown tugged at his lips. During his time with Ilain, he’d begun to sense a change in his inner voice. That vile disgust, the chastising insecurity—it had begun to lose its sting. Because with every blow to his self-esteem, he heard her lyrical voice in his head.
“People like you; you’re just not willing to see it.”
“I’m under no illusions about your worth.”
“You, Thom Deckard, have a surprisingly tender heart.”
“She’ll make it clear that you are the only one she could ever want.”
Taking a deep breath, Thom found that things weren’t quite as simple as they once felt.
Could he someday have a chance at happiness?
“You know,” he replied hopefully, “I think maybe I can. One day.”
Ilain reached over to squeeze his hand. “Good.”
Thom smiled and returned the gesture. His fingers were still wrapped around Ilain’s when Evylin and Ethenn broke through the trees. In the warmer weather, they’d shed their coats for training, and sweat lined their tunics.
“I’m starving. What’s for—oh.” Evylin stopped. Ethenn also froze at her side.
As one, their gazes dropped to Thom and Ilain’s hands.
Immediately, Thom pulled away. “Grouse,” he said nervously. “We, uh—yeah, it’s the grouse from yesterday. And some barley—the last of the barley, actually. We’re kind of out of everything after that.”
Ilain sent him a flat look. “Stop being weird,” she said, then turned to the Warriors. “It’s all ready. The bowls are there.”
While Evylin and Ethenn retrieved their meals, they continued to eye Thom and Ilain. Ethenn’s jaw was tight, but Evylin’s eyes twinkled with something like . . . approval? He didn’t like that.
Thom shifted to sit farther away from Ilain. Why was Evylin looking at them like that? She knew the flirtations between them weren’t real. And even if she didn’t, she shouldn’t approve. She should be upset, hurt, maybe even jealous.
“She’ll make it clear that you are the only one she could ever want.”
Thom pushed his jealous thoughts aside for the only one that mattered: Evylin wasn’t his.
No matter her relationship with Deckard, no matter her reasons for putting distance between them, Ilain was right.
If he was ever going to be truly happy with a woman, he had to know without question that she would choose him over his brother.
Evylin wasn’t that woman.
Ilain wasn’t that woman.
The problem was, he didn’t know if a woman like that even existed. And he wasn’t sure he could live life alone.
Was that the choice? Life alone or life as second best. Either outcome was a brutal reminder of his inferiority. Either was a punch in the gut. Neither was happiness.
Thom looked up from his bowl of roasted grouse and barley cautiously.
Ilain had roped the others into a conversation, bringing smiles to both of their faces.
Evylin’s dimples showed on her cheeks. The last light of day caught in her eyes.
Was she happy? Without Deckard, without Hewitt, was it possible that she’d found happiness again?
A treacherous thought crept to the forefront of Thom’s mind: Was she happy because she was with him?
Thom shook the thought off. Foolish. Vile. Disloyal. He wouldn’t entertain the notion any longer. If he intended to follow his new inner voice and become a better man, he couldn’t listen to such embittered, covetous thoughts.
“Could you be happy?”
One day, Thom promised himself. One day, he would rise above this deficiency in his soul. He would be a better man, a man worthy of applause and acclaim, a man who held everyone’s respect and admiration. And then, on that day, he would be happy.