Chapter Fifteen
W hen Sam found Julian standing where she’d left him in the bedroom, his muscular body hunched and bare, the jolt to her heart was acute. When she asked him what was wrong, though, and his gaze met hers, she was unprepared for the swell of pain that crashed over those beautiful hazel depths. The honesty in that one look was so stark and overwhelming that it would’ve brought some to their knees. Because of Julian, though, she’d realized the severity of the storms she’d weathered throughout her life, navigating each one alone, and stood taller because she finally understood what she had and could withstand. He’d opened her eyes to the strength within, and now she would return the favor, lending him hers.
“Julian.” She crossed the room, noticing how Angel hung back as if she could sense something was amiss. His skin was like a furnace beneath her hand. “What is it?”
“It’s me.” His voice shook, and the breath bottled up in her throat. “I told myself I’d never be like my mother, but I am. I’m fucking selfish. I keep telling you how much I care about you, how much you matter, but if you stay with me, this will be your life. Me leaving you over and over again. I know better than anyone how painful it is when someone you love leaves. That’s what I’d be doing to you, just like my mother did to me. You deserve so much more than someone who takes off for weeks, sometimes months at a time, but I’m too greedy to let you go. I can’t tell you where I am or how I’m doing. Fuck! What kind of life is that?”
Calm settled over her. This was something she could help fix. She framed his face in her hands. “The one I want.” Her voice was free of doubt or indecision. “Any life with you in it is better than one without. I understand why you might think the scenarios are similar to what you experienced when your mother left, but they’re not. She walked away from you and left two kids alone in the Alaskan bush. Not only am I a grown woman, but I understand that your job takes you away sometimes. I also know that your job is dangerous. I’m not saying I won’t worry, because of course I will, but I’m so proud of the man you are. Part of that is being a protector. It’s not just what you do. It’s who you are. Being without you is going to suck, but I’ll be fine. I’ll keep myself busy with work, and if it’s okay, I’ll send you some text updates so you can see them if and when you can use your phone.”
“I can only use it when I get back on base, but I’d love it if the first thing I saw when I powered it up were messages from you.”
“Then that’s what you’ll have. And to settle your mind about the break-in, my mother has an alibi—receipts from the drug store. She’s the only person I can think of who would want to hurt me. The police didn’t find any prints, but they suspect it was a random event.”
His gaze darkened. “The way your things were trashed makes me think differently. It was personal, Sam. I need you to watch your back. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you.”
“I will.”
“You’re a protector, too. I hadn’t realized how much I needed that after my mother, the one person who was supposed to love me above all else, left. The protector in you is one of the reasons I was able to let my guard down so easily. You were protecting me when you’d only known me for one night. Leaving to spare me from being associated with your father. Trying to shield me from your mother and her bullshit because you didn’t want me to have to deal with her dysfunction. But you need to know, there is nothing I wouldn’t gladly take on for you. Just like I know there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for me. I’ve never had that with another person. This kind of trust. Nothing close to it.”
Julian dragged her against him, crashing his mouth down on hers. His hands fisted in her hair, tipping her head back, devouring her. When her nails bit into the wide, muscled planes of his back, a growl tore through him. Julian didn’t have much time, but there was one thing she wanted before they left this bedroom. She dropped to her knees, stroking his length, and circled her tongue, lapping the bead of pre-come from the tip.
His pupils expanded like spilled ink, boring into her. “Sam.” Her name was a hoarse rumble on his lips, and when she took him deeper, it turned into a plea. She didn’t take her eyes off his as she hollowed her cheeks, taking him into her mouth over and over. Wetness gathered between her thighs, and her breasts were heavy, desperate for his touch. He hauled her to her feet in one fluid movement and spun her so her back was to his chest.
“Fuck, Sam.” He kissed and nipped the curve of her neck while his hands roamed over every inch of her. “Don’t want to let you go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” She shot him a smile over her shoulder and placed her hands on the mattress. He covered her body, his heart pounding against her back, the heated flesh of his stomach pressed against her spine. With one arm braced around her hips to anchor her in place and his other hand on the mattress beside hers, he drove inside her in one powerful thrust. He set the pace, raw and desperate. Frantic kisses scorched her shoulders and spine. She was already on the cusp of an orgasm when his hand went between her thighs, stroking her, tipping her over a chasm of their own creation.
He roared his own release, pulsing inside her, extending her pleasure. They collapsed on the bed, still connected, and Julian quickly rolled them to the side. Tears welled in her eyes, and she was glad he was behind her so he couldn’t see before she blinked them away. Every time with Julian had taken her breath, but his careful control had never snapped with such intensity, baring the last piece of his soul. The untouched wilderness of his heart. And he’d let her in, trusting her to preserve that uncharted territory. To keep it safe and pure. A place untouched and vulnerable. He’d given it to her.
“I’m sorry, Sam.” His apology ripped her from that sacred place. “I didn’t use protection.”
“There’s two of us here, you know.” She couldn’t help but smile—Julian was always trying to keep her safe. “I could’ve thought of it, but I didn’t.”
“It’s my job to protect you.”
“Well, next time, after you’ve slaughtered a wooly mammoth and stored your club, you can throw on a condom, caveman.”
He stilled, and then his laughter boomed around them. She could listen to that laugh for the rest of her life.
“You’re the reason,” he said when he sobered. Her mind returned to the day her mother showed up in her driveway. The day they discovered they’d both been blamed, both been the reason for their families’ downfalls. “The reason I’ve laughed more in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. The reason everything feels lighter. The reason that for the first time, I want to stay home instead of going on a mission.”
Everything inside her heart glimmered. “You’re the reason, too. My reason. When I hit my snooze button for an extra five minutes just so I can replay something you’ve said or done in my head. Or when things get tough at the hospital, I pull out your drawings, and they make me smile. Because I’ll never be able to see a piece of pie without thinking of the first night we met.”
Julian slipped out of her, and she turned, wrapping her arms around his waist, plastering her cheek to his chest. His fingers gently lifted her chin, and he lowered his lips to hers. The brevity of the kiss did nothing to quell the intensity. She was going to miss him so much.
“I’m going to program some numbers into your phone in case there’s an emergency—our commander and my sister. I’ll give you a key, so you can come and go as you please. I hope you’ll use it to spend the night here. That’s not me being controlling, but knowing your house is vulnerable due to its location and lighting. When I get back, we’ll have an alarm system installed.” He sat up on the bed, and she stood to gather up her clothes. The time for intimate talks and stolen kisses was over. She needed to round up Angel and let Julian focus on what was to come.
She wasn’t going to fight him about his requests. He didn’t have time to argue over whether she’d take the key or the numbers he wanted to leave her with. Not when anxiety shrouded him like thick layers of smoke. She nodded, and a fraction of that stress abated. He kissed her forehead and began to get ready.
*
Sam sat on the edge of the couch with her feet tucked under her, a blanket around her shoulders, and a glass bottle in her hand. Hannah, Collin’s flight medic mom, was sitting on the opposite side of the couch, and Brynn was in a giant beanbag chair on the floor.
“How has it been only two weeks and not two months?” Sam took a long sip of her favorite beer. She’d treated herself to a six-pack because she’d known she’d be commiserating with the other two women. Brynn had a glass of wine in her hand and a can of Sprite on the floor near the beanbag, and Hannah was finishing off the last of the sangria slushies they’d made earlier.
“This has been a long one—at least, that’s how it feels.” Every time they heard a noise outside, Brynn swiveled around to stare at the front door.
“I barely know them, and it seems like they’ve been gone for a long time.” Hannah had a red ring around her lips from the drink.
“I have to keep myself busy. Jacob and I make a lot of crafts and cookies. It’s hard to sleep, though, especially knowing they’re probably getting only a couple hours here and there.”
Peals of laughter from Jacob’s bedroom cut through the conversation. “They’re having a terrible time.” Hannah’s lip quirked. Brynn had assisted Jacob with his nighttime routine while they hung out in the living room and played a game with Collin. Now both boys were tucked in for bed, and they kept taking turns yelling across the room, then dissolving into fits of laughter. While the boys had their sleepover, Brynn suggested that she and Hannah come over and spend the night. Sam had been hesitant, not because she didn’t like Hannah, but because she hated leaving her house alone after it had been ransacked. Now, though, with the boys’ laughter in the distance and the cozy conversation flowing through them, she was glad she had left the house. Even their dogs were having a slumber party, although they were the first to fall asleep. They had passed out hours ago by the electric fireplace. Oscar was massive compared to Angel, but the dogs had made fast friends. Oscar was curled into a ball with Angel lying in the donut hole he created with his body. She snapped a picture and sent it to Julian. When he returned, they’d give him a smile when he powered up his phone.
“Collin has friends from school,” Hannah said. “But none he loves more than Jacob, and I love that they can get together like this. Sometimes, he misses out on the experiences neurotypical kids have, but when he’s here, it’s a safe space for him to explore things like parties and sleepovers. I know my job gets in the way, too. It’s not always easy for me to commit to events because I might have to run out in the middle if I’m on call. Your willingness to let Collin hang out here after the Halloween party meant a lot to me.”
“We love that Collin is in his life,” Brynn said, taking a sip of her wine. “How can you hear his laugh and not smile? Plus, Branch had a blast with him. I don’t think he’s ever met someone as passionate about pizza as he is.”
“Every day since the party, he’s talked about Branch.” There was a wistful note in Hannah’s voice. “How he likes his pizza soft and not crispy. The toppings he favors. How he’s a SEAL, but not the animal.” A smile spread over her freckled face. “Collin’s outgoing and generally likes being with people. Something about Branch, though, makes him light up. Some people get taken aback by Collin’s exuberance or don’t know how to interact with him. Branch wasn’t that way at all.”
“He’s single, you know.” A slow smile spread over Brynn’s face.
“Oh, boy. Leave the poor woman alone.” Sam tugged the blanket more securely around her shoulders.
“I’m single, too, but I plan on staying that way. In my experience, no matter how good someone seems on the outside, they’ll bail when you need them the most.”
“What about friends? Do they fall into that category, too?” Until Sam formed a friendship with Brynn, she’d had similar experiences to Hannah, and no one stuck around long once they found out her dad was in jail for murder.
“No one’s proven me wrong yet.” Hannah leaned back in her seat and took the last sip of her drink, placing the empty cup on the coffee table. She curled on her side with her elbow propped on the armrest, her head resting against her hand. Hannah looked totally relaxed, and even though Sam had met the woman only twice, she had a feeling the mom worked herself to the bone. She was a beautiful woman, but the strain and exhaustion showed in her eyes when she thought no one was looking.
“Challenge accepted.” Brynn stood from the beanbag chair and collected some of their empty cups. “We still have a few half-full bags of Halloween candy from the party.”
“If you bring them in here, they won’t be that way for long.” Despite missing Julian, she took a deep, contented sigh and rubbed her fingers against the cozy blanket surrounding her.
“That’s the idea.” Brynn’s bright blue eyes twinkled as she moved across the room toward the kitchen, her long, dark hair piled on top of her head. The scent of pumpkin and vanilla swirled through the air from the candles burning on Brynn’s mantel, right below the long oak plank with the words Always Keep Fighting scrolled across the distressed wood. The words were for Ransom’s former teammate who’d sacrificed himself during a mission. Brynn returned, holding two large bags of candy. She offered a handful to each of them and then put them on the coffee table.
“Back to what you said earlier.” Brynn flopped onto the beanbag and opened a peanut butter cup. “I thought that, too, before I met Ransom. For me, good things had always been conditional. If something positive happened, I always paid the price for it later. I never thought I’d be able to trust someone again. Now, it scares me to death that I could’ve pushed him away and missed out on what we have.” Brynn crumpled up the wrapper and tucked it into her sweatshirt pocket.
“Things are still new with Julian and me, but I felt the same. Like if somebody was nice to me, it was because they were planning to humiliate me or make me feel like less because of who I was raised by, but Julian makes me believe there are good people in the world again. That I’m worth something.”
Hannah sat up, outrage etched into her face. “Who made you feel worthless?” The anger simmering in her new friend’s words felt good. These were people who would stand beside you when things went wrong. When life didn’t go as planned.
“My parents, the people in the town where I grew up, classmates. My dad was in the Army, but he’d been bought. He was selling secrets about the locations and missions of several other teams. Some of those service members died. He’s in prison for life, but his actions still haunt me.”
“I’m so sorry. That must’ve been awful to be judged for something that had nothing to do with you, but shame on those adults and classmates for not realizing you were hurting and probably needed support. I’ve met you twice; all you’ve been is sweet and kind. You’ve made me feel welcome.”
“Thanks for saying that. I’ve never really had girlfriends before. It feels…nice.” Sam opened the wrapper on a pink Starburst and popped it into her mouth.
“Right there with you.” Hannah sighed. “I never fit in with the social circle my parents wanted me to have. I was the ugly duckling, would rather play outside and get dirty than be at the country club playing a civilized round of tennis.”
“Ugly duckling you are not.” Brynn rolled her eyes and tucked another wrapper into her pocket.
“I grew into my looks.” Hannah shrugged like it was no big deal, but hurt shone beneath her tough fa?ade. “But a short, stocky redhead covered in head-to-toe freckles was disappointing to my parents. I wasn’t the gorgeous debutante turned politician’s conservative wife that my mom was, and it seemed like all her friends’ daughters were flawless. My sisters were certainly were. My mom used to tell her friends that at least they had two daughters who would marry well. The nickname Homely Hannah followed me like the plague.”
“I hate them.” Brynn crossed her arms over her chest.
“Who?” Hannah chuckled.
“Those girls. Whoever called you that. All of them.” Brynn’s face scrunched and reddened, and Hannah just laughed.
“Thanks, but I’m over it. I’m glad I got out of that superficial life. I only go back once a year to visit, and it’s the worst week of my year. Makes me so happy I moved away.”
“So you have sisters. Did they stand up for you?”
“That’s a negative. The eldest is married to a fine wealth manager with political aspirations,” she said, slipping into a Texas drawl. “Spends her time doing proper, ladylike activities like charity lunches and spa visits. The youngest is into pageantry, modeling, and is dating a millionaire’s son. I’m horrified that he’s going to pop the question and I’ll be roped into a godawful wedding of endless pomp and circumstance.”
“Sounds like a snooze fest. Well, maybe the spa wouldn’t be so bad.” Sam shrugged and continued making a dent in her candy stash. The chocolate had warmed in her hand and was melty, so she ate it straight from the wrapper. “Is Collin’s dad in the picture?”
“No. He drowned in a fishing accident.”
Brynn and Sam both sucked in their breath.
“Oh, Hannah. I’m so sorry.” Sam sat up and placed her hand on Hannah’s calf.
“Me, too. That’s so awful. How old was Collin when it happened?”
“He wasn’t even born yet. I’d just found out I was pregnant. I met Russell when he was caddying at the club to save money for college. He was from a middle-class family, definitely not someone my parents would approve of. It wasn’t love, but we had fun together. He made me feel like I fit. Like I wasn’t so terribly awkward. My parents were more concerned about the scandal I was creating in their social circle than about the baby, me, or the grief I was handling losing a good friend. I moved out on my own, took my car with no real plan, and stopped right here.”
“I’m glad you’re here. Glad we’re friends.” Sam took Hannah’s hand and squeezed it.
“That must’ve taken a ton of courage to move out from under your parents’ roof by yourself, get your medic degree, and raise a child with special needs alone.”
“Thanks for being so welcoming. Collin is my sunshine. It gets more difficult to go back to Texas each year, but I worry that if I sever all ties, if something were to happen to me there’d be no one for Collin. I know my family wouldn’t actually nurture and care for him like I would, but, at the least, their money would ensure he was provided for.”
*
After midnight, following many more stories and talk of possible dates for Brynn and Ransom’s wedding sometime early next year, they drifted off one by one. Angel left her friend Oscar and snuggled next to Sam, where she usually slept tucked against her. Oscar padded over to the beanbag chair to where Brynn lay softly snoring. She couldn’t wait to tell Julian about the sleepover they’d had. Couldn’t wait to feel his arms twined around her. She’d have to tell him he’d been right about spending time at Brynn’s. Maybe it was only for one night, but it calmed some of the anxiety she’d experienced staying at her house. She’d erased all signs of the break-in, but it didn’t ease the sensation of being watched.
Tonight, she’d catch up on the rest she’d missed while stressing over robbers and break-ins and return to her own place in the morning with a clearer head.