CHAPTER FORTY-THREE #3
I pressed my palms to my temples, trying to quiet the chaos of my thoughts. Months of planning, Merlin’s training, everything I’d sacrificed—now teetering because I’d underestimated the one knight who had proved to be my biggest enemy: Arthur’s foster brother.
You can’t remain here, Guin, I told myself again. The illusion you’ve crafted is unraveling too fast.
Yes, and I refuse to let it snap in his grip.
I stepped toward the water basin, my hands trembling as they gripped the carved stone edge. Moonlight pooled in the water, turning it silver—still, reflective, waiting. A breath hitched in my chest as I reached inward, toward that tether that stretched between worlds.
Magic stirred, ancient and unwelcome, prickling beneath my skin. The water warmed under my touch, ripples blooming in perfect rings. The mirror opened as soon as I said the magical words.
“Merlin.”
Not father. Never father.
“Are you there? Can you hear me?”
The water shimmered, then shaped itself into his face—those storm-gray eyes sharpening as he took me in.
“What troubles you, Guinevere?”
“I can’t remain here in Camelot,” I said, shaking my head as panic resurrected itself in my gut. “Kay found me out.”
Merlin’s expression darkened. “What does he know?”
I hesitated. “He knows I’m a woman.”
“How?”
I told him—reminded him of how Kay had cut me while we were training, how he'd taken my blood and brought it to someone with magical skill. Someone who had confirmed what Kay suspected.
“Mordred,” Merlin said, his voice low and certain.
“Then you think Mordred knows Lioran is a woman too?” My stomach began to twist.
Merlin shook his head. “No. If Mordred knew, Arthur would know.” He paused. “I assume, since you’re contacting me from your chamber, Arthur hasn’t yet been informed?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. Kay told me he hasn't told anyone else and that he will keep my secret for as long as I do what he wants."
Merlin nodded and remained quiet for a few seconds as his fingers drummed against something out of sight. A sapphire ring pulsed faintly on his other hand. “I would believe him. One thing Kay is not is a liar.”
“He’s using my secret as leverage. He told me as much.”
Merlin’s gaze sharpened. “Explain.”
“Kay admitted to not caring for Arthur. That’s why he hasn’t exposed me yet."
"He has never had any love for Arthur. Regardless, he's after something."
"Yes."
I couldn't bring myself to tell Merlin—my father—that the very thing Kay wanted was my body.
It just… felt wrong somehow. Maybe it was just too personal—a detail I didn't want to reveal.
And I was afraid that even if Merlin knew Kay wanted me in a carnal way, he wouldn't care.
He'd tell me to give Kay whatever he wanted—that my mission was more important than my self-respect.
And that was something I couldn't hear—not from my father.
A long silence fell between us, heavy and unspoken. The water’s surface trembled with my breath, distorting Merlin’s reflection until his features looked like they were sinking. His eyes, always sharp, seemed to study me through the ripples.
Finally, he spoke. “That has always been Kay’s nature. Living in shadows, bitter about the throne he’ll never touch.”
"Yes."
“What exactly does he know? Tell me the extent.”
I took a breath. “Just that I’m a woman."
"Nothing more?"
I nodded. "Nothing more. He doesn't know my reasons for being here."
"He must have asked about your reasons?"
"He did."
"And what did you tell him?"
"That I wanted only to serve my king with my magic."
Merlin nodded. "Very good. You always were able to think quickly on your feet."
I didn't want his praise, and he must have seen as much in the expression on my face because he didn't allow me to respond. Instead, he took a breath.
“We still hold the upper hand, Guinevere."
"How can you say that? I'm one step away from being revealed as a spy!"
"Only if Kay tells Arthur. But knowing him as I do and his motivations, he will not tell Arthur. Not until the time is right, if ever. No, Kay would rather use this knowledge against Arthur—use it to better himself and his standing in Camelot."
"That is a big assumption. Impersonating a knight in Arthur’s court is treason, Merlin. Kay could destroy me with one sentence.”
“Yes, he could. And yet, he has not." Merlin’s jaw clenched. “He’s calculating. Waiting. Thus, for the time being, you are safe.”
“Safe?” I repeated, cutting him off, my voice sharp. “Kay’s holding a blade to my throat. I'm as far from safe as it's possible to be!” I stepped back from the basin, trembling. “I can't stay here any longer. Don’t you see that?”
“You’re safe as long as Kay keeps your secret,” Merlin insisted, shaking his head. “And Kay, as I once knew him, can hoard a secret like gold. For years, if need be.”
“But at what cost? I'd be Kay's pawn,” I snapped, amazed that Merlin wasn't agreeing with me. Actually, I wasn't amazed. I was a weapon to Merlin, so of course, he would want me to remain here. He would tell me to stay for as long as the mission remained unfinished.
Remember what you swore to yourself! I thought. That you would forge your own way—that you wouldn't just be a pawn to Merlin.
What I still couldn’t say, what I couldn't admit to my father, was that Kay hadn’t just threatened me.
He’d claimed me. The memory made my skin crawl.
Yet, I still couldn't force the words from my mouth.
Because there was now a certainty within me: telling Merlin would only lead to something worse—his permission.
And that was… it was something I couldn't face.
“If Kay’s hatred for Arthur runs as deep as I suspect,” Merlin continued, “he might even become an ally to you.”
I stared at him. “You think Kay would join us?”
“He might. It is true that Kay holds no love for Arthur—only bitterness and resentment. Perhaps even hatred." He sighed. "And if Kay knew the truth of your bloodline—what you represent—a rival to Arthur’s reign, he might see you as a way to the throne.”
“Until he learns I’m the one who pulled the sword from the stone,” I replied flatly. “Then I become a threat. Just like Arthur is.”
“Who says he ever needs to know?” Merlin countered. “Only you, Nimue, and Arthur know that truth—and I assure you, Arthur won’t tell anyone.”
Well, Elenora knew as well. But I wasn't about to tell Merlin about her—not when she had opened the idea in my mind of forging my own way, of refusing to be a pawn to Merlin or to Arthur.
No, Elenora would remain my secret for the time being, until I figured out whether or not I could trust her, whether or not she truly was an ally.
“And Nimue?” I asked. "Will she tell Arthur the truth?"
"Nimue is your mother," Merlin started, but I interrupted him.
"Obviously, familial ties mean nothing!"
“Nimue would not endanger you."
"Then what is her goal in all of this?"
"She’s waiting,” Merlin responded. “For you to claim what’s yours and take the sword.”
“I can’t think about that right now,” I said. The noose was so tight around my neck at the moment that the only thing I could consider was how to remove it. Ex-Fucking-Calibur was the last of my worries.
Merlin’s tone cooled. Calculating. Familiar. “Then don’t. But understand this, Guinevere: you’re safer than you think—as long as you don’t provoke Kay. Do what he asks. Earn yourself time.”
The bile rose in my throat. Merlin has no idea what he's asking me to do.
Or maybe he does.
“Kay has always followed his own self-interest,” Merlin continued. “If keeping your secret benefits him more than exposing it does, he’ll keep it.”
"And what if he learns I'm your spy?"
Merlin cocked his head to the side as he considered it. "Perhaps that would only help you."
"How?"
"Because Kay knows how powerful I am. And he would only accept an ally who is as powerful or more powerful than he himself is. I believe that truth would strengthen your association with Kay."
"Then I should tell him?"
"No. Allow him to work it out for himself. For the time being, just sit still. Allow him to call the shots so we can figure out what his angle is. Allow him to believe you are under his power. Meanwhile, we can plan—we can work out a way to use him to our benefit."
I dipped my fingers into the basin, watching the ripples distort my reflection, and I wondered what choice I should make. I didn't have to remain here. I didn't have to listen to Merlin. I could escape.
But where would I go? I couldn't remain in Logres because word would spread that a knight had left the Shadow Trials under conspicuous circumstances.
Right—there would be a manhunt ordered in no time at all.
What was more, Kay would definitely tell Arthur my secret then.
Because at that point, I would be useless to him.
Yes, it crossed my mind that I could simply employ a clever disguise while I attempted to elude capture, but was that truly the kind of future I desired?
A life spent perpetually in hiding, masquerading under a different identity every time I turned a corner?
The very notion of slipping into new personas at every opportunity filled me with a profound sense of dread.
I envisioned myself constantly looking over my shoulder, never able to trust the faces I encountered, always wondering if revealing my true self would lead to betrayal.
What was more—I couldn't return to Annwyn if I disobeyed Merlin. I was more than sure he wouldn't allow me.
“How much time do I have?” I asked quietly.
“More than you realize." And there it was again—that glint in his eyes. Ambition. “Stay close to Arthur. Complete your trials. Earn your place as a knight of the Round Table. Once inside, you’ll gain access to what I need."
"And what do you need?" I nearly spat the words at him.
"I need to know which of the knights make it through, then troop movements, war plans, names of those still loyal to the old ways." He paused. "Kay could become an ally, Guinevere."
I swallowed hard. "Kay is only after his own self-interests."
"Yes, but at the moment, those interests align with our own." He paused to clear his throat. "Kay won’t reveal your secret unless you give him reason to.” He leaned closer to the basin. “This could work in our favor, Guinevere.”
I wished I believed him. But all I felt was the crushing weight of betrayal. Even now, knowing how close I was to being exposed, my father still wanted me inside the lion’s den.
Why I allowed that truth to hurt me, I didn't know.