Chapter 10 #2
Gene can hardly breathe. His heart beats madly, thudding against Ray’s. As if it’s an instinct, he swiftly throws his own arms around Ray, hugging him even closer.
“It’s so fucking stupid…” Ray says, muffled by his sobs and the fabric of Gene’s shirt. “I did this to myself. But—I don’t know…”
“There, there, it’s okay…” Gene pets Ray’s back.
“Yeah, it’s okay, man.” Santiago adds his own hand to Ray’s back too, rubbing his shoulder blade.
“I just thought… Maybe I could try being in a relationship. I liked Harriet enough.” Ray sniffs.
“You did?” Gene asks, making sure his tone is soft. “Did you… did you want to have more with her?” For some reason, he’s afraid of what Ray’s answer will be. He doesn’t want Ray to say ‘yes’.
To his relief, he feels Ray rub his head against his shoulder, as if shaking his head ‘no’.
“I guess not. Which is probably one of the reasons I did what I did. But I liked having her as a girlfriend. I don’t know…
That’s why it’s so stupid. I want a partner, you know, I want to fall in love and all that. But I guess I didn’t really love her.”
“And that’s why it really will be okay in the end,” Santiago reassures him.
“If you didn’t love her, you shouldn’t continue to be with her.
I know it sucks, but this could be a good thing, you guys separating.
Remember, we’ve got a tour coming up in a couple months.
You’re bound to meet more chicks then. Plenty more opportunities for you there. ”
“Yeah… I guess you’re right,” Ray says.
Gene’s heart sinks at the thought. It’s illogical why it would do that—why should he care if Ray wants to find another girl?
Shouldn’t he also encourage him, too? But he doesn’t really want to.
He doesn’t want to admit it out loud, but for some reason, it’s relieving to feel Ray in his arms, holding him so close, not attached to anyone else.
But doesn’t that make him also selfish? Wanting Ray all to himself?
‘You were keeping me all to yourself then, weren’t you, eh?’
Gene rests his own head on Ray’s shoulder, closing his eyes.
He shouldn’t be thinking things like this.
He and Ray are best friends, and he shouldn’t prevent him from going out and living his life.
It’s not like Gene, a guy himself, should be claiming Ray as if he were his girlfriend.
That’s such a ridiculous thing to think.
But what he can claim him as is being his closest friend, even closer than Santiago sitting with them on the couch. He rubs Ray’s back again, moving his fingers in a circular motion.
“It’ll all be okay,” Gene says.
Later that evening, Ray sits on the edge of his bed, the overhead light shining on the three-ring binder in his lap.
Inside are copies of the photos Maurice took of the Dusty Brooms last month.
Ray had looked at them already, but with all the nonsense that happened earlier today, he had an inkling to want to look at them again.
Maybe things have ended with Harriet, but their band is just getting started. He has lots of things to look forward to. Their debut album hasn’t even released yet; once it does, Ray knows his entire life is going to explode. Might as well start off fresh.
He flips it open, and his first thought is not to look at the ones of the entire band for the album art, but at the photos of himself and Gene together.
Those are his favorite ones. Gene looks utterly handsome in them, with a genuine smile, and a subtle pink highlight on his cheeks.
Ray flips the page, and there’s another photo of them, this time looking at each other.
It’s strange seeing them both like this, from an outsider’s perspective in a photograph, but fascinating at the same time.
The way his own hand rests on Gene’s shoulder, the way Gene’s arm wraps around Ray’s waist, how their faces are so close, almost touching, as they gaze into each other’s eyes…
Ray takes a deep breath as his chest flutters with butterflies. Thinking of Gene makes him almost completely forget about Harriet, at least. But what doesn’t help is how, with thoughts of Gene, it brings another sort of longing that bears an uncomfortable weight in his stomach.
Every now and then, he has thoughts that are more than simply friendly about Gene.
And the only way he can rid them is filling that space in his mind with the presence of someone else.
Because—he shouldn’t be thinking of his best friend like that in the first place.
It’s ridiculous. He can never tell Gene these thoughts.
Telling him would ruin everything good between them.
When Gene said earlier how since he’s his friend, he could talk to him about anything… No, I fucking can’t.
Everything would be fine if he just could forget these thoughts completely. Forget, forget, forget.
But it’s hard to forget when—Gene opens up the door and walks into the room, in nothing but a towel around his waist, walking over to his dresser for some clothes. “Hey, Ray. How’re you feeling?” he asks.
“Oh, uh… better, I guess,” he answers with a shrug.
“That’s good.” Gene turns away from Ray, grabbing his earring from the top of his dresser and looping it through his left ear.
This gives Ray an immaculate view of Gene’s back.
The way water drops curl around the muscles of his shoulders, his slim waist, the subtle body hair on his lower back that disappears below the towel…
Gene must not realize Ray is staring, because then—he unties the towel and pulls it away, showing off the entirety of his beautiful, naked ass.
Ray can hardly breathe.
His heart punches his chest relentlessly.
Oh my fucking god.
The sight is gone in an instant, as Gene steps into his underwear.
Damn it, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Ray scrunches his eyes shut and shakes his head, as if doing so will shake off the unwanted thoughts, too.
Not just Gene—I shouldn’t be thinking of any guy like this.
I don’t need to be making my life more complicated than it should be.
I’m not gay… Maybe it’s because of the beer I had earlier. Yeah, that has to be it.
When he opens his eyes again, Gene is facing him, pajama pants on, along with a matching shirt that he leaves open in the front, unbuttoned. He can see Gene’s fuzzy chest hair, dark strands contrasting the paleness of his skin, continuing low down his abdomen… Ray swallows.
“You were looking at those photos?” Gene says.
Ray blinks. He bites his lip, then looks down at the binder. “Yeah. I love how these turned out. Thinking about the band makes me feel better.”
“That’s good. I really love those photos too, y’know. We’ve got a lot to look forward to. Together.”
That gets Ray to look up. Gene is smiling at him sweetly. It makes Ray’s stomach flip. “Yeah. Together.” He manages to smile back.
“Were you gonna head to bed? I’m so tired myself; I don’t know, I kinda wanted to just crash,” Gene says. “If you don’t mind.”
“Yeah, go ahead. I was gonna pass out soon, anyway.”
“Alright.” Gene sits down on his own bed, across from Ray’s against the other wall in their small shared bedroom. He pulls the sheets back, swings his legs up, then lies down and covers himself with the blanket. “G’night, Ray.”
“G’night, Gene.”
Ray gets up and turns off the overhead light, leaving the room dark aside from the glowing green lava lamp on his nightstand. He grabs the photo binder, closes it, and slides it underneath his own bed. Then he lies down, pulls the blanket over himself, and tries to fall asleep.
An hour passes. Sleeping is harder than he thought.
Horrible thoughts from earlier relentlessly toy at his brain, refusing to let him rest. He thinks about what Harriet had said to him: ‘You don’t care about anyone but yourself.
You selfish cheater. What a good-for-nothing, piece-of-shit boyfriend you are.
’ Everything she said was true. I am just a selfish prick, aren’t I?
Piece of shit. That’s all I am. Insult after insult hammers at his mind, over and over.
How the hell are Gene and Santi still friends with me if they know very well what I did?
It doesn’t make any sense. They were friendly with him even as they saw him bring random chicks who obviously weren’t Harriet back to their motel rooms. They didn’t treat him any differently, still enjoying his presence, still having fun performing with him and hanging out with the band.
Gene knew what Ray was up to better than anyone, and yet he still held him close.
He hugged him back so tightly, he comforted him, even when he didn’t deserve anyone’s kindness.
Gene even said he loved him—well, Santi did too—but hearing it from Gene’s mouth set off such a strange slew of emotions within him.
It sets it off again now, as he thinks about the moment—
And now he’s crying again.
He tries to keep quiet, but it’s difficult. He smothers his face into his pillow to hopefully muffle his voice.
“Hey… Ray? Are you alright?”
The sound of Gene’s voice makes him gasp. He controls his sobs for the moment to answer back, face still halfway into the pillow, “I, um…” He takes a shaky breath. “No, not really. I thought you were asleep.”
“Well… sorta.” He can hear Gene sigh. “I’m physically tired but my mind is keeping me awake. I’m guessing that’s the same for you.”
Ray turns his head to look at his best friend, propped up slightly on his elbows. “Yeah. Same.”
Gene looks worried. His brows are close together, a frown paints his face, highlighted by the dim green glow of the lava lamp. It strums another melancholy chord within Ray, seeing Gene look at him like that. Another sob escapes his throat.
“Oh, Ray…” He can hear Gene’s own stuttered breaths from across the room. Gene looks down, then back up, right into Ray’s teary eyes. “Come here.”
He’s not quite sure he caught that. “Wait, what?”
“Come here,” Gene repeats. “Here, in my bed with me.”
His stomach somersaults. There’s no way he actually said that. “You want me in your bed?”
“Yes. I want to give you a hug to make you feel better, damn it, now come here.” He says it with a friendly air of authority and a chuckle in his tone, throwing the blanket off his body slightly and holding his arm out for Ray to join him.
How can Ray resist?
He quickly gets off his own bed, walking the few steps it takes to make it across the room, and he lands on Gene’s bed.
Gene scooches back a little towards the wall to give him some room, and Ray plops his head down on the pillow, situating himself slightly lower down on the bed, facing his friend.
Gene pulls the blanket overtop them both, then throws his arm over Ray, hugging him tenderly close.
Even closer than before. Ray’s lips touch the edge of Gene’s throat as he holds him as well, afraid to ever let go.
He feels comfortable. So comfortable, so warm, so perfect…
He can’t help but sob again. He’s exactly where he needs to be. Right here in Gene’s arms.
“Shh… it’s okay. I’ll always be here for you, y’know,” Gene says, running one of his hands through Ray’s curly hair, messing it up. It feels so soothing.
“Always?” Even though I’m a selfish piece of shit? He breathes in Gene’s scent. His soap from the shower: coconut and sandalwood.
“Always.”
They stay like that for a while, arms around each other, legs tangled together.
While he and Gene have shared a bed plenty of times in the past, they’ve never cuddled before.
They’d always kept their space. But now, Ray’s chest feels so light, so warm, he never wants to let go of this feeling.
The fact he’s even this close to Gene, touching him gently, basically kissing his neck, sends a wave of flutters throughout his body.
He’s cuddled with plenty of girls in recent months, of course, and that felt nice.
But this feels completely different when with Gene.
He’s not sure if Gene feels it the exact same way he does, but he doesn’t need to say anything to understand that Gene, in his own way, cares for Ray.
He can feel it in the way he caresses his back, the way he pets his head, the way he too breathes in Ray’s scent…
There’s a kink in his shoulder. It stings a little. As much as he doesn’t want to, he has to move to relieve it. “Hey Gene, um… I’m gonna roll over.”
“Go ahead.”
Ray, reluctantly, lets go, flipping over on the bed to face the middle of the room. Though, much to his relief, Gene keeps his hands on him. Gene grabs Ray from behind, securing his hold, hugging him with his arms around Ray’s waist, his lips barely grazing the back of Ray’s neck.
Such an embrace feels unfamiliar. With all of the girls he’s been with, if they cuddled like this, it was always Ray holding them from behind, and not the other way around. To have that position reversed—to be the one who’s being held—and not just by anyone, but by Gene…
He puts his hand over one of Gene’s, holding onto his middle.
“You mind if we just fall asleep like this?” Ray asks.
“I don’t mind. This feels nice.” He can feel Gene smile against his neck, and Ray puts on a smile of his own.
“Yeah. It does.”
And so, Ray sinks further into Gene’s embrace, completely calm and content. If only every night could be this way. But he knows tomorrow night he’ll have to sleep in his own bed again, for it to not seem too awkward between them. For them to resume their usual friendship.
But just for tonight, regardless of how they’ll feel about it tomorrow, he wants to continue to be selfish, and be the center of Gene’s affection.