Chapter 15 #2
Honestly, Gene hadn’t thought about the subject of gay people much in his life.
It never applied to himself, knowing that he was attracted to women, and he hadn’t personally known anyone who was gay, so such a topic stayed at the back of his mind.
He knows what Maurice is talking about—how it’s not considered ‘natural’ in society—and maybe that line of thinking affected his own perception as well, unconsciously.
But he also agrees with Maurice that it shouldn’t matter who one loves.
He still wants to be Maurice’s friend, regardless if he’s gay or not.
“I’m glad you feel that way,” Maurice says with a smile. “I just want to reassure you, too, in case you’re thinking it—I’ll never come onto you or Ray or any other guy, just because I’m gay. I’m in a very committed and loyal relationship with Kenneth; I love him and I’d never cheat on him.”
“Oh, I didn’t think you would,” Gene chuckles. “I mean, even as a straight guy, it’s not like I come onto every woman I see. Well, the same can’t be said about Ray, though…”
Maurice laughs. “Yeah. He’s somethin’ else about all that.”
Gene tries to laugh again too, but just bringing up Ray’s name makes him feel strange.
He’d thought that all he felt for Ray was friendship, and maybe that still is the case.
But he second guesses himself—with how jealous he’s been feeling, upset that Ray’s been spending so much time with Carol, wishing he were in Carol’s shoes…
That’s not something a normal ‘friend’ would think, is it?
He’s curious as to what these feelings mean. Maybe, since Maurice is gay himself, he could help him understand? But Gene doesn’t want to outright tell him his feelings about Ray. Not when Gene could be wrong about all this in the first place.
“You mind if I ask a weird question?” Gene says.
“Nah, you’re fine,” Maurice says. “Go ahead. Shoot.”
“Alright. Um…” Gene shuffles his position sitting on the bed, bringing his left foot to rest on his right knee. “How did you know you were gay?”
“How did I know?” Maurice widens his eyes, pouting his lips a little.
“Yeah, like, how did you figure out you were into guys?”
“Ah okay.” Maurice nods. “Well, it really was Kenneth who awakened that part of me. Before I met him, I never really felt any attraction to girls at all… I thought maybe there was just something wrong with me. I even tried dating, and it didn’t work out.
It just never felt right with a girl. But then I saw Kenneth…
It’s like I instantly knew I had to be with him.
Maybe you could call it love at first sight?
Probably. But either way, being with Kenneth made me realize that the reason I never got along with girls in the past was because I’m gay.
That I’m only into guys—or, more specifically I guess, I’m only into Kenneth.
” He chuckles a little at that last part.
“That makes sense,” Gene chuckles too.
“You mind if I ask you a weird question as well?”
Gene’s heart skips a beat. “Yeah, sure, go ahead.”
“Were you asking because… you yourself are wondering if you’re into guys, too?”
“Oh, um…” Gene doesn’t know how to answer that without being incredibly obvious. “Well, going off what you said, I don’t think I am… I mean, I’m attracted to girls. I know I don’t have a girlfriend now, but eventually I’d like one…”
“Are you sure it’s a girl-friend you want, or maybe just a partner in general? It’s possible to like both men and women, y’know. That’s what the term ‘bisexual’ means.”
“Bisexual?” He thinks he’s heard that word before. Yes, he remembers it now, from a music magazine he’d read with an article about David Bowie.
“Yeah. There’s nothing weird about it. Some people only like men, some people only like women, and some people like both.”
“Oh. Huh.” He thinks about it harder, still unsure what to say.
Could he possibly be what Maurice just described: bisexual?
It sounds strange to think of himself that way.
He’s not even sure if such a term is correct for him—he knows he likes women, but the only man he’s ever had possible feelings for is Ray. Does that still count?
Even so, even if it does count, he shouldn’t be thinking of Ray like that in the first place.
Ray doesn’t want Gene like that—no, it’s obvious Ray is so clearly only into women, how Ray wants to be with Carol more than anything.
And that’s not even touching the other aspects—even if Ray wasn’t with Carol, if Ray was also into men, who’s to say they could have a successful romantic relationship anyway?
It would never work out, not without fracturing their friendship, and worse—ruining what they’ve built with the Dusty Brooms.
Maurice is gay, and he seems to be getting along fine, yes.
But he also seems rather private about his relationship with Kenneth, and, most importantly, he’s not in a band—he’s not the one performing on this tour, his face in front of thousands of people, his music adored all across the country.
And we know how this country feels about gay people.
Sure, there’s what Gene had read about David Bowie, but even Bowie still has a wife, along with a son with her.
He wonders how true it all is, if it’s something Bowie really feels or if it’s just a publicity stunt to stir drama in the tabloids.
“You alright, Gene? You’ve been a little quiet,” Maurice says.
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Gene shakes his head. “Just thinking, is all. Um, thanks for telling me all this. I mean—thanks for feeling comfortable to talk to me about this. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. It feels good too, y’know. Being open about it. Now I don’t need to worry about hiding my phone calls around you.”
“For sure. Did you want to tell the rest of the band that you’re gay? Or, if I mention it to them, would you mind?”
“I don’t mind. I don’t know if I’d ever find the time to have a heart-to-heart sit-down conversation with all of them like I’m doing with you now, anyway,” Maurice chuckles.
“So if it comes up, it’s whatever. I’ll tell them, or you’ll tell them.
But I also don’t think you should make it your mission to pull everyone aside randomly and be like, ‘Hey, guess what! Maurice is gay!’”
Gene laughs. “I get that. Yeah, I don’t mean I’d tell them like that.”
“Good.” Maurice smirks. “Anyway, I still haven’t showered. I should probably go do that, if you don’t mind.”
“Oh, yeah, go ahead. I guess we got a little carried away with talking.”
“But it was good, yeah?”
“Yeah. Definitely good.” Gene smiles.
Maurice smiles back, an odd twinkle in his eye. He nods, then stands up from the bed, grabbing some clothes out of his suitcase to then head into the bathroom.
Once the door is closed, Gene lies down on the bed, pulling the blanket overtop of himself.
His mind is still swirling with everything they’d talked about, and it honestly will probably stay that way for quite some time.
Of course, it makes him think about Ray again.
When isn’t Ray on his mind? That right there should be my sign that this isn’t ‘just’ friendship.
That, and how, sometimes, every now and then, Gene can’t deny that he’s had his thoughts about Ray go in a sexual direction.
Each time the thought would crop up, he’d shoot it down, but just the fact it popped up in the first place probably says something about Gene.
How maybe he really is what Maurice said—bisexual.
Imagining himself in Carol’s place, kissing Ray, his hands in Ray’s dusty blond hair, clothes coming undone, lying underneath Ray, skin against skin, wondering what it would feel like…
Gene’s cock twitches. Oh god, there I go again. He ignores the pressure between his legs. He hasn’t given in yet, and he still won’t. Especially when any of his other roommates could walk in at any moment. But even so, even if he were completely alone, he still wouldn’t want to give in.
It’s completely ridiculous to think of himself with Ray—of all people—like that, so what would be the point?