Chapter 18 #2
Ray’s head swirls in a dizzy rush. Gene definitely must be drunk if he’s being so bold, asking such a question. “Well, um… Shouldn’t you know how she is? You were with her once as well.”
“Yeah, but it was only one night. I was kinda drunk, I don’t remember it very well.” He shrugs. “So?”
His heart beats furiously, put on the spot. “You know I can’t really answer that. The way you and I cuddle is… different from how I’d cuddle with Carol.”
“How different?”
Man, he sure is feisty tonight. “Well, the biggest difference is she’s my girlfriend.”
While what he said may be true, it shatters away the smile from Gene’s face. He looks down toward the bed, a certain sadness filling his eyes. No, Ray doesn’t want to see him sad. That’s the last thing he wants Gene to feel, especially on his birthday.
“But even if what I have with you is different, that doesn’t make it any less special,” Ray says. “I’ve known you for so much longer. You’re my closest friend. We have this… musical partnership I could never have with anyone else. I could only ever write songs like that with you, Gene.”
That brings back Gene’s smile. “Then let’s write a new song tomorrow. It’s been a while. We’ll need more songs for the second album, anyway.”
“For sure. I think we only have two, maybe three songs so far.”
They fall into silence, their vision adjusting to the darkness, Ray barely being able to make out the color of Gene’s eyes.
But he can still see him well enough—Gene’s grin stirring butterflies in his chest. He can smell his familiar scent, too: coconut and sandalwood.
A dizzy drunk rush smacks his head again. Oh, is he ever so handsome.
But he can’t cross that line. No, Gene’s not his boyfriend—and with the way their lives are evolving, he never could be. But that doesn’t mean Gene isn’t utterly important to him. A person who he shares music with like no other.
Eventually, Ray rolls over, with Gene holding him from behind, just like before.
He knows he shouldn’t get too used to this position, despite absolutely loving it.
No, he can only have this sort of affection from Gene in small doses.
Any more than that would be too much—spilling over the edge, causing disaster, not to mention how it would be impossible anyway with Carol around.
So he takes what he can get, just as friends, like this, and he places his hand atop Gene’s, drifting off to sleep.
December, 1975
A tinsel-decorated pine tree glistens in Ray’s peripheral view as he sits with Carol at his parents’ dining table.
It’s Christmas Day, with his brother Mick home from university, seated at Ray’s other side.
It’s been nice seeing him again, since back during the summer, even though Mick was home, Ray didn’t see him very much because of how often he was working with the Brooms. Even now, he didn’t get to see Mick before today for winter break, since he’d been busy recording the newest single with the band in Detroit.
It’s been a rather busy month in general, mostly practicing with the Brooms and writing new songs with Gene.
They’ve had a few local shows in Grand Rapids, but not as many as they’d had previously, as a means to give them a break in-between tours.
They haven’t been desperate for money anyway with how successful they’ve gotten, with many of their larger expenses being paid for by RCA.
It’s a breath of fresh air. If they can keep this momentum up, they’ll never have to worry about money ever again.
But with everything moving along swimmingly, Ray has been afraid to get affectionate with Gene again.
Sure, there’d been some opportunities where he potentially could’ve, but he held back.
They haven’t cuddled since Gene’s birthday.
That’s not to say Ray hasn’t wanted to—of course he fucking wanted to.
Though he figured he shouldn’t get too comfortable sleeping next to Gene when Carol will be at his side every night once they move to Detroit.
Gene didn’t push it, probably thinking the same thing.
Ray and Mick’s father and mother are seated across from them, and they say a short verse of grace before they dig into their delicious chicken dinner.
Ray’s family has never been the sort to be overtly religious, but there are some traditions—like saying grace at Christmas—that they still hang onto.
From Carol’s description, they seem less strict than her parents, at least. But that’s not to say that his own parents don’t hold some ‘American Dream’ ideals of their own, especially how they had urged Ray to go to college in the first place, pursuing his business degree.
And look how well I’m using that degree now. Not.
Well, he can’t fault them too much on that one. That knowledge did come in handy for the Brooms in their early days before Dennis came along. But it’s not like Ray wants a nine-to-five career in business management, not in the way his parents originally envisioned.
Honestly, he hasn’t talked much with his parents at all about his career goals, nowadays. They say they support him and are happy he’s doing well, but he can also see a hint of judgement sparking in their eyes any time he mentions the Brooms. Blink and you’ll miss it, but he knows it’s there.
“The food’s delicious, Mrs. Roderick,” Carol says, dabbing her mouth with a napkin. It’s strange seeing her in such a modest, formal dress, when he was used to seeing her showing more skin during the tour.
“Thank you, dearie,” his mother says. She then turns her head, her long earrings jostling at the movement. “Raymond, I’m happy that with your… ‘music business’, you’ve found such a nice girl.”
“For sure, me too,” Ray chuckles, lifting the fork to his mouth.
“And now you’ve been dating for… two months, I believe?” his mother continues, pursing her red lips. Ray nods.
“I suppose you can find love anywhere, even on the road,” Ray’s father says. He rubs under his nose, fluffing up his bushy moustache. “I wish you all the best; you were with that girl Harriet for so long, only for it to end.”
“How exactly did you guys break up?” Carol asks innocently. “I remember you mentioned you’d dated before, but you never told me the specifics…”
A lump rises in Ray’s throat, making it hard to swallow his food. “Well, we… we just weren’t compatible with each other. Not at all like how you and I are. Besides, I don’t think we really need to talk about that now.”
“Ray cheated on Harriet,” Mick says flatly, stuffing his face with food.
“What?!” their father shouts.
“What in the world?” their mother cries.
“Really?” Carol gasps.
“Mick!” Ray slams his fist on the table. “Why the hell would you say that?”
“It’s true, isn’t it?” Mick wipes his mouth with his napkin. “You even told me.”
He did; he’d hung out with Mick and told him the story shortly before Mick had gone back to university for the fall semester.
But he thought such information would stay more confidential between them, as brothers.
Granted, he never did outright say ‘don’t tell Mom and Dad’, but he thought there’d be more trust.
“So you guys didn’t know?” Mick asks their parents, genuinely sounding surprised. Oh, so he’s not ‘untrustworthy’, he’s just his normal socially awkward self. Of fucking course.
“No! This is the first I’m hearing of it,” their father says.
“I… I’m sorry,” Ray says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I, um, I made a mistake.”
“A mistake, huh? You should be ashamed of yourself,” his mother snaps.
“This is exactly what I was worried about, with your music thing,” his father snarls.
“I’m glad Michael quit when he did. All these rockstars I keep hearing about in the news, hitting up this girl and that.
Getting them all pregnant, then not even bothering helping with the kids because they’re too damn busy getting high.
That’s not going to be you, is it, Raymond? ”
A jolt of fear zaps down Ray’s spine. “No! No, definitely not. I said I made a mistake and I won’t let it happen again, alright?”
“You better promise me that,” Carol says. “You told me we’d be exclusive.”
“I already did promise you that, Carrie. Back when I first asked you to go steady with me.” His voice is shaking.
The lump in his throat grows larger. “I’m going to do better.
I already know that me and you have so much more of a connection than me and Harriet ever did.
Let me prove it to you. We’re moving in together in about a week, aren’t we? ”
“Moving in?” His mother raises a perfectly waxed eyebrow. “You’re really moving in with a girl? You must be serious, then. I don’t believe you’d ever lived with Harriet.”
“Yeah. I mean it, I really do care for Carol.” The tension loosens in his chest slightly, but not enough. Not when his father is still glaring at him.
“Where are you moving? I don’t think you’ve told us yet,” his father says.
“Oh, um… Me, Gene, and the rest of our band are moving to Detroit. We’ll all be living together.”
“Detroit, of all places?” His father sneers. “That horrible city, and you all living in some fucking hippie commune?”
“Dad, it’s not all that bad!” Ray’s heart rate ramps up. “We’ve been performing there a lot this past year and it’s been great. That’s where Carol’s from, too, so we’d be closer to her family. Besides, the place we’re gonna be moving to is more out in the countryside. We’ll be safe.”
His father tsks. “If you say so. Raymond, I hope you know I say all this because I’m worried about you. You’re still so young—you’re only twenty-two. I don’t want you throwing your life away before you’ve even gotten to live it.”
Ray gulps. “I—I understand.”
“Do good not just for us, but for Carol here, as well,” his mother says, motioning her hand toward his girlfriend. “If you’re as serious as you say, you will. I hate seeing such a pretty lady so upset.”
Ray hates seeing her upset, too. He reaches over, laying his hand atop Carol’s that is resting on the table. She looks up, making eye contact with him. “I do care about you a lot, Carrie,” he says. “I hope you believe me. Think of all the good times we’ve already spent together.”
Her lips twist, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. But then—she sighs. She smiles, washing his worries away. “I believe you. I care about you, too.”
“Glad we’re all good then,” Mick says, sighing himself, pushing his glasses up on his face. “Dammit, I’m sorry for even mentioning it.”
“It’s alright, Michael,” their mother says. “Something as serious as this, I’d like to not be left in the dark about.”
“Same here,” their father says.
“Well, I think we’ve said enough about all that,” Ray says, letting go of Carol’s hand and picking up his fork. “It’s Christmas! We shouldn’t be getting so stressed. Let’s all have a good time, shall we?”
“Of course,” his father agrees, stabbing a piece of chicken with his fork.
Ray looks over to Mick, giving him a frown and a disappointed head shake.
Mick gives him back a sheepish smile paired with a shrug.
It’s just like him to say something embarrassing about Ray in front of their parents, but that’s what little brothers are for, aren’t they?
Either way, the fact that Ray had cheated on Harriet is now out in the open between them all.
He knows exactly what his father was talking about with the ‘rockstar lifestyle’—it’s no secret that so many famous musicians have gotten themselves into hot water, with scandalous affairs and drug addictions.
Even Dennis had warned him about that, too.
But Ray hopes he can steer himself onto the right path.
He’s in it for the music first and foremost, anyway, not for all the other tempting things.
That’s not to say he couldn’t get carried away. It had happened once already, with how he’d slept with so many women before Carol.
And somehow, with thinking of that, his mind lands on Gene.
He realizes how his feelings for Gene have been messing with him.
He’s been so confused about it all, tension pooling in his gut, wondering if what they both feel is simply friendship or maybe more.
But he can’t let it get to him; conversations with his parents like this remind him how he shouldn’t be thinking of Gene like that anyway.
Gene is a whirlwind, ready to whisk him away to a magical world filled with unbelievable dreams and swirling colors.
No, Ray needs stability. He needs something—someone—to ground himself through this journey, to put him on the right path. The realistic path.
Someone like Carol.