13. Jaxson
CHAPTER 13
Jaxson
I learned a long time ago that the enemy loves to kick you when you’re down. Taunting you with your past like a weight around your ankles. But it still doesn’t make it any easier to fight the battle when it feels like everything is closing in around you.
God, please help me. I need Your strength because I’m not strong enough to handle all of this alone. Amen. I finish the prayer as I unlock my door, then step aside so Rosalie can come in.
After shutting the door, I set her bag down and turn to face her. She looks good. I hate that she looks good.
Her hand rests on her swollen stomach, and it’s like a punch to my gut.
How many arguments did we have because I’d wanted kids and she said she didn’t? How many times did she tell me that I was just trying to stifle her career and make her nothing more than a military spouse whose only job was taking care of kids while I ran off and saved the world?
Her words, not mine.
I never expected any of that, though. I’d just wanted a family. And when I’d nearly died, my back shattered, unsure if I’d ever walk again, she’d left. Walked away like I was a broken toy she no longer wanted to play with.
Rosalie turns to me and smiles. “You look great, Jaxson.”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Feed me any kind words. Just tell me why you’re here and what you want.”
“Can I sit down?” she asks, gesturing toward the small table.
“Sure.”
Rosalie takes a seat, and I join her because if I don’t, I’m going to start pacing. “When I got the call from the hospital that you’d been shot?—”
“It was a mistake. They never should have called you. I’d forgotten to update my emergency contact in the system.”
“I know that.” She smiles, but I can see the hurt on her face. “But it was a reminder that I still have things that I need to fix.”
“We’re done. There’s nothing to fix.”
“I know that, too,” she replies. “But I—” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, then opens them again, and there are tears shimmering in the depths. “This is harder than I thought it would be. Whew. Okay. I got remarried a year ago.”
“Good for you.”
“He’s a good man. A firefighter.”
“Again, good for you.”
“Anyway, he introduced me to God, and we’ve been going to a Bible study once a week.”
“Okay.”
“The way that I treated you after you nearly died—” She chokes on the words, and a tear slips down her cheek. “I was not a good person. I left you when you needed me most, and what I did was not okay.”
“I don’t need you to tell me that for me to understand.”
“But I need you to know that I am sorry. That if I could go back and change the way I handled things, I would. I was young and stupid when we got married. I hadn’t been ready to settle down. Then with your deployments and you being gone all the time, it weighed on me.”
“So that justifies leaving me to die in a hospital bed?”
“No. Of course not.” She shakes her head. “I waited for you to come home to alleviate my guilt. But I never should have left you. I just—it took me a long time to realize that I’d used you and our marriage to get away from my own family.”
I wish I could say her confession is a surprise, but my own brother warned me that Rosalie was only using me. I was just too blinded by what I thought was love to see it.
“I was blinded by my immaturity,” she says softly. “And I hurt you in ways I never meant to hurt you. ”
“What do you want from me, Rosalie? Want me to forgive you? Fine. Done. Want me to tell you it’s okay and coddle you so you can feel good about the life you’re living now? Sorry, I don’t have that in me.”
“Whether you forgive me or not is your choice, and I won’t blame you if you don’t. But I needed to explain it to you, Jaxson. I needed you to know that I am so sorry. That you deserved better. That I should have been there for you as your wife.”
“Things happened the way they did, Rosalie, and there’s no going back.”
“I know that.” She sniffles. “But when I got that call, it was like a sign that I was supposed to talk to you. And it’s been weighing heavy on my heart ever since. I did love you, Jaxson. I want you to know that.”
Her words settle over me, unlocking a bit of the brokenness I’ve carried since the day she left. It doesn’t undo what she did, but maybe I wasn’t quite as over it as I’d thought.
“Jaxson?”
I jump to my feet, still half asleep. Blinking rapidly, I stare down at Margot, who’s standing in front of me, looking incredibly confused. “What? Are you—is everything okay?” Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I turn in a slow circle. It’s still dark, with only a nightlight on.
“You’re downstairs in the B&B kitchen. Are you okay? ”
“I—” I rub my eyes again. “I let Rosalie use my apartment.”
Her expression softens, going from worry to understanding. “And you came down to sleep in the kitchen? You could have taken one of the empty rooms. Or put her in one.”
“I didn’t want to make a mess.”
“Jaxson.” She speaks my name softly, then presses a slender hand to my chest. “You can use whatever you need.”
I stare down at her hand, enjoying the warmth of her touch far more than I should be. “What time is it?”
“Four in the morning,” she replies. “Why don’t you come into my apartment. You can take the couch and get another few hours.”
“I’m okay. I can just get up.”
“Jaxson.”
“No, seriously, it’s okay.”
She purses her lips as though preparing to argue, but then decides against it. “Then let me make us some coffee.”
As she moves away from me, I rest my head in my hands, trying my best to wake myself up from the dead sleep I’d apparently been in. I’m not even entirely sure when I fell asleep, but it couldn’t have been more than four hours ago since it wasn’t until after midnight that I’d come downstairs.
Rosalie certainly had a lot to say, and I’m working my way up to the forgiveness I know I need to offer. But it’s hard. Honestly, letting go of what she put me through feels impossible right now.
The scent of coffee fills my nose, and I raise my head as Margot sits across from me. She’s wearing a pair of leggings and an off-the-shoulder cream sweatshirt, her hair in a messy bun atop her head. Her feet are bare, giving me a glimpse at pale pink toenails.
How can she be so effortlessly stunning first thing in the morning?
She turns to face me. “You okay?”
“I will be.”
As soon as there’s enough coffee to fill two mugs, she pauses the brewing and pours before replacing it again. She finishes prepping hers, then carries both of our coffees over to the table and sits down across from me. “Want to talk about it?”
“I never thought I’d see her again.”
“You said she’d been calling.”
“Sure, but for her to show up here—” I shake my head. “It caught me off guard.”
“I can understand that. She’s very pregnant.”
“I’d always wanted kids.” Saying it out loud makes the cut even deeper. “Badly.”
“Why didn’t you guys have kids? Sorry, I’m prying. If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to.”
“No, it’s okay. Friends venting.” I give her a smile as I take a sip of my coffee. “I was in the Marines at the time. Deployed near constantly, and she’d been trying to build a career in marketing. She told me that I was being selfish, that I wanted her to just sit at home with kids all the time.” I shake my head. “But that wasn’t it at all.”
“Was she even open to discussing it?”
“No. Not once we were married. Before, she talked constantly about having kids. But once it was a possibility, she changed her mind. And I felt guilty for asking her to sacrifice her dreams for me, so I dropped it.”
“Is that why you two split?”
I snort. “No. No, that was a few years later. You know I was injured overseas?”
She nods. “Michael said you nearly died.”
“We were going in to rescue some civilians who’d been captured by terrorists. On the way there, though, our convoy was attacked, and the vehicle I was in was hit with a small arms missile. I shattered my spine, broke both legs, an arm, and was told I’d never walk again.”
Margot gasps and covers her mouth with a hand.
“I met Lance in that hospital.” I smile at the memory. It was the worst moment of my life, but Lance brought light to me that day. “He brought me an old Bible he’d been carrying when he nearly died. And he prayed over me. With me. Shortly after that, he introduced me to Michael and Elijah.”
“Jaxson.” Margot reaches across and covers my hand with hers.
“Anyway. When I got home, they weren’t sure I’d ever walk again. They reconstructed my spine, but the doctors said it was unlikely I’d ever fully recover. As soon as I was out of the hospital and back at my apartment, Rosalie bailed.”
“She did what?” Color floods Margot’s cheeks. “She left you?”
I nod. “I woke up to a note she’d set beside the bed.” Those moments come flooding back to me.
The pain of knowing she was gone.
The agony of being alone.
Of not knowing how I was going to survive.
“I was so angry. At myself. At her. At God. My phone was clear across the room, and I was still not walking, so I wasn’t even sure how I was going to call for help. And then my gaze landed on the worn Bible by my bed, and I said a prayer for strength. Less than five minutes later, my brother showed up. He had a key, and when no one answered, he came in.”
“I can’t believe she left you.” Tears roll down her cheeks. “Just lying in bed like that. Unable to take care of yourself.”
“God provided for me,” I tell her. “In that moment, when I felt that I had nothing left, I saw the Bible, and I turned to Him. I don’t know that I ever would have fully given myself over if it weren’t for that pivotal moment.”
“Still.” She shakes her head. “I don’t understand how she could just leave you like that. Turn her back on you and—” Margot closes her eyes. When she opens them again, she appears to be slightly calmer. “You deserved better, Jaxson Payne.”
“It’s silly, but I still wanted to try and make things work. After watching my parents’ marriage fall apart, I only wanted to get married once. I met Rosalie my senior year of high school, right after I joined the Marines, actually, and we got married right after graduation. I thought she was the love of my life. I kept trying to call her after she left, even though my brother kept telling me it was pointless. Then when I got the divorce papers, I found out she’d been cheating on me and was already living with someone else.”
“The father of her baby?”
“No.” I shake my head. “According to her, she met a man who introduced her to God. They got married, and now they’re starting their family.”
“I know it’s not the Christian thing to be so angry I want to scream at her, but I really, really do.”
I smile, feeling a weight lift from my shoulders. “She came here to apologize to me.”
“Seems like that’s in the water,” she jokes. “Your dad, too.”
I smirk again. “You’re not wrong there.”
“How is that going, by the way? I’m here—if you ever need to talk.”
“Thanks. He’s been trying to get me to agree to a meet-up, but he’s promised not to just show up again.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I wish I knew,” I tell her truthfully. “Until we find Lanetti, though, I’m not sure I can take on much more.”