4. Slider
4
SLIDER
The frying pan sizzled as I tossed in the peppers and onions. Olive oil popped and crackled in the pan and I turned down the heat, avoiding burning the shit out of my onions. I loved the caramelized taste, but not with this particular recipe. Wiping my hands on my apron, I got to work on the eggs, whipping them gently as I strolled over to the fridge.
Mornings like this were absolutely fucking perfect. There wasn’t a single fucking person bothering me and I was in my element, doing what I loved. Well, doing the other thing I loved. The guys loved to give me shit about my cooking, but they had no problem eating everything I put in front of them.
I bent over the stove, gently rolling the softly beaten eggs into the pan with a smile on my face. It was perfect. Absolutely fucking?—
The front door slammed and I sighed, slamming my bowl on the counter. Just one fucking morning, I’d like to make my breakfast without someone walking into my house like they owned the place.
“When the fuck are you gonna get some furniture?” Thumper shouted. “Some of us only have one good leg, ya know!”
I did my best to shut him out as I focused back on my breakfast. Everything came down to the eggs. Just one wrong move and the whole breakfast would be ruined. I preferred to think of eggs like a delicate client or a grenade. Just one wrong move and the whole breakfast was blown to shit. Kid gloves. That’s how I handled the love of my life.
“Ooh, what’s for breakfast this morning?” IRIS asked.
I heard the wood from my bar stool scratch against the floor, but shut out all noise as I gently folded the egg into the perfect omelet. Smiling, I plated it and wiped the edges clean. Damn, that was one fine-looking breakfast.
When I turned around, Thumper and IRIS were staring at my plate with wide eyes, practically salivating at the food in front of them. That was too damn bad. I didn’t cook for them. Pulling the drawer out beside me, I grabbed a fork and cut into the fluffy egg and took my first bite, closing my eyes as I transcended into heaven.
“Fuck, that’s good.”
I didn’t even hear them coming. I should have expected it. Hell, we’d been on the same team for years. I knew it was only a matter of time before they would jump me and take my food from me. I just hadn’t expected this kind of treachery in my own house.
The plate was snatched out of my hands as I was tackled to the floor. I choked on the only bite I was able to take, my throat clogging with egg and making it impossible to breathe.
“Fuck,” I gasped around the food lodged in my throat.
“Leave some for me!” Thumper shouted.
“We’ll split it in half,” IRIS shouted. “Tie him up!”
I gasped for air, but it wouldn’t come. Hell, I was choking and they were more concerned about getting my damn omelet. Not that I could blame them. It was fucking good.
My arms were wrenched behind my back as Thumper zip-tied me to the cabinet. Meanwhile, my face was turning fucking red from lack of oxygen. I could feel the panic creeping up inside me as I watched Thumper and IRIS fight over the food on my plate, arguing over who was going to get the last bite as the savages stole the very food I made for myself.
And here I was, on the brink of death with nothing to show for it. No woman, no fucking furniture, no life other than killing people and cooking for myself. And my own food was going to kill me.
I started slamming my back against the cabinet, trying to give myself some odd form of the Heimlich. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t give in. Not yet. Not when I still had a chance to save myself. Savage gasping noises filled the air as I struggled to breathe, and yet, my own teammates still hadn’t noticed that I was about to bite the bullet.
Except, there were no bullets in sight.
This was a sad and pathetic way to go. Death by omelet. What would my epitaph read?
Here lies Slider.
The man who cooked one hell of an omelet.
And then choked on it.
No. I would not go down this way. I would not die in such a sad and pathetic way. I would live, goddamnit! I would live and then…fuck, I didn’t know what I would do. Probably kick their asses. And then I would make another omelet.
“Hey, I think he’s choking,” Thumper said, smacking IRIS on the arm.
“Liar, you just want the last of the omelet.”
Thumper jumped over the counter and rushed over to me, snapping the ties behind my back. “Fuck! He’s really choking!”
“Does that mean I can have the last of the omelet?” IRIS asked.
My hands broke free and Thumper spun me around, thrusting his gathered fists up into my chest. The omelet popped free, spilling onto the floor in one sad, pathetic clump. I fell to my knees, gasping for air as I stared at the lump that nearly took me down.
Then I fell to my back and stared up at the ceiling, breathing in large gulps of air as Thumper kneeled over me, wincing as he rubbed the back of his neck.
“That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
I nodded, knowing he would never intentionally kill me. But fuck, I really wanted that omelet. IRIS strolled around the counter, scraping the last of the omelet onto his fork before shoving it into his mouth.
“Mmm. That was really fucking good, man.” He twirled the fork around and pointed it at me. “You should really consider opening a restaurant.”
“I’ll get right on that,” I muttered.
He slid the plate onto the counter, leaning against it. “I wouldn’t be opposed to having another omelet.”
I craned my neck up to look at him, narrowing my eyes. “Dude, I almost just choked to death.”
He glanced at the clock. “So…another five minutes?”
I rolled my eyes and pushed to my feet.
“What? Some of us are hungry.”
I flipped him off.
“I’m a growing boy!”
I grabbed the cookware and tossed it in the sink, being way less gentle with it than I normally was. Something had to change. I was at the end of my rope. My teammates crashed my breakfast, I never got a moment’s peace, and when I did, there was no fucking satisfaction in it. When was it my turn for a little fucking happiness?
I glanced around my rather empty house and sighed.
“Uh-oh,” Thumper said, his eyes wide. “He’s got that look.”
“What look?” IRIS asked.
“You know…that wide-eyed look of wanting more.”
“Who wants more?” IRIS questioned. “Shit, you mean…like, more more?” IRIS ran over to me, grabbing me by the arms. His eyes were comically big and scary as fuck. “Don’t do it, man. You got out. You still have a chance.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
He looked left and right, then lowered his voice. “She got to me. Hell, they all got to us. There’s no escaping for us. We’re trapped. But you…you still have an out.”
I tore my arms from his, backing away from his crazy ass. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Sweat beaded on his forehead as he backed up, jumping when his ass hit the counter. “You don’t get it. You don’t know what it’s like.”
I stared at him for a moment, then turned to Thumper. “What the fuck is he talking about?”
He shrugged. “Not sure. Hell, it’s IRIS. What did you expect?”
IRIS spun around and glared at Thumper. “You put her up to this, didn’t you?”
“Put who up to what?”
IRIS backed away from him, then turned and ran, nearly tripping over the stool as he bolted for the door. As soon as the door slammed, I quirked an eyebrow at Thumper.
“That was odd.”
“Not really,” he chuckled. “I slipped some magic mushrooms in his muffin this morning.”
“You did what?”
He shrugged, taking a mug from my cabinet and helping himself to my coffee. “He kept coming over and stealing my muffins in the morning. The very muffins that Bree made for me. For me. I was tired of dealing with it, so I asked her to whip up a special batch.”
“So, you drugged him.”
“Yep.”
“Because he took your muffins.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And then you came over here and stole my omelet that I very carefully made with love and tenderness.”
He frowned, taking a sip of his coffee. “What’s your point?”
I glanced at the mug in his hand and shook my head. “Nothing. There’s no fucking point.”
“Hey, we’ve got training this morning. Though, that’s probably out with IRIS running around thinking everyone’s trying to kill him.”
I grabbed the eggs out of the fridge and got to work making another omelet, but I was out of peppers and cheese. Fuck, this was not going to work. “I’m not gonna make it.”
“To training?”
“Nope.”
“But…it’s sort of required. If you don’t show, Fox is gonna sing to us. I can’t handle another show tune.”
I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. I could hear Thumper running behind me, his panic in every step.
“Slider, man. Think about this?—”
“You already drugged IRIS. Does it really matter?”
“He can still train!”
“I need food,” I called over my shoulder. “And since you ate the last of mine, I need to go shopping.”
“Now?”
“Yes, now!” I snapped, yanking open the door to my truck. I was pissed as hell. “All that work on my beautiful omelet and you destroyed my morning. I don’t have a girlfriend or even regular sex now that Vira kicked me out of her bed, but I had that fucking omelet, and you destroyed it for me!”
He got in, staring at me with wide eyes. “I’m sorry, man. I had no fucking idea.”
“That I was hungry?”
“That you loved your omelet so much,” he said, looking at me like I was weird.
“Of course, I loved my omelet. I wanted to be a fucking chef. Am I chef?” I asked as I pulled out of my driveway.
“No.”
“No, I’m not,” I snapped. “I shoot guns for a living. I blow people up and work with crazy fuckers who would rather kill people than enjoy a nice, quiet meal. But do I complain?”
“Not at all,” he quickly agreed.
“Nope, never,” I said, peeling out of OPS. “I never complain. I put my head down and do the job. That’s what’s expected of me. And at the end of the day, I go home and make myself a nice fucking meal. Sometimes, I even get to eat it. But then you fuckers come along and destroy that by eating the meal I want to eat. Do you know what that’s like?”
“It must suck,” he answered.
“It does. It really fucking does. All I wanted this morning was one fucking omelet. I crafted that baby so perfectly. I bet she melted like fucking butter.”
“She did,” he agreed.
I whipped my head to face him and glared. “Did I fucking tell you to brag?”
He swallowed hard, shaking his head.
“So, I’m going to the store and getting the things I need to make a fucking omelet and I’m going to enjoy it. You got a problem with that?”
“Not at all.”
“And when I’m done, I’m gonna clean up my kitchen and you’re not gonna say a fucking word about it. Are you?”
He shook his head rapidly from side to side.
Huffing, I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and shifted into park. “Now, I’m gonna go in there and you’re gonna keep your damn mouth shut about what I get. You’re not gonna try to get your own food or beg me to get something for you. Are we clear?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, sir.”
I nodded when I was sure he understood me, then I shoved the door open and got out, grinning to myself the whole fucking time.
I placed the peppers in the bag and tied it at the top, ignoring the way Thumper sighed heavily. He could fucking wait. I knew he didn’t want to shop with me, but he got in my truck. After picking out the best onions, I moved on to the meat. I saw his eyes widen as he checked out the best cuts. I could already imagine him coming over to my house and pleading with me to make him a steak.
It wasn’t going to happen.
From now on, I was only cooking for myself.
“Hot girl, nine o’clock,” he hissed.
I glanced out of the corner of my eye and shrugged. She was alright, but nothing worth getting worked up over.
“Seriously? She’s not good enough for you?”
“She’s alright.”
“Alright? She’s fucking hot!”
I slowly turned and raised an eyebrow at him. “And just what do you think Bree would say if she heard you talking like that? Especially after she just pushed out your kid.”
His eyes glittered with hatred. Yeah, I was going there, and he could lump it. But this was what it was like for me. I was one of the last single guys at the company, so I got to take my shots whenever I could. They harassed me enough as it was.
“You know, I don’t say shit to you. If anything, I try to help you out.”
“By hooking me up with someone in a grocery store?”
“Why not? Half the guys at the company met someone at the grocery store.”
I snorted in amusement at that, but then stopped to think about it. Edu had met Harper at the grocery store. That was all I could really come up with.
“One guy met the love of his life at the grocery store. The others just…kept running into them at the grocery store. That’s not the same thing.”
“But that could be you,” he said, gripping my shoulder. “Look at her.”
I glanced her way and checked her out again. She was alright. Long brown hair. Decent legs. Nice breasts. But she had this…air to her that just turned me off. She looked pissed.
“I don’t want to be eaten for breakfast.”
He snorted. “Seriously?”
I slowly turned and faced him. “Thumper, I’m approaching middle age?—”
“Whoa,” he cut in. “If you’re middle-aged, then I’m a fucking senior citizen. You’re three years younger than me, and I’m thirty-seven!”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, I’m not that old yet. But she doesn’t do it for me.”
“You don’t even know her. You haven’t even approached her or asked her what her name is. The fact is, you know nothing about her. You’re just judging her by the expression on her face. She could be a real sweetheart.”
I cocked my head and tried to see it, but all I saw was one seriously pissed-off woman. “Maybe she needs a hug.”
“Yeah,” he cheered me on. “Maybe she’s having a pissy day and just needs someone to tell her that it’s okay.”
“I could be that guy.”
“You could definitely be that guy.”
I tossed the meat in the cart and stood up tall. I felt Thumper pat me on the back as I strode over to the woman. Now that I was closer, I could see what he did. Yeah, she still looked angry as hell, but she was beautiful. You just had to dig deep. Dig really fucking deep.
I cleared my throat and smiled at her. “Excuse me?—”
Her head snapped up and her eyes narrowed on me accusingly. “Are you fucking serious?”
My smile faded somewhat, but I could pull out of this. I was Slider. I had this. “Sorry, but I’m Slider.”
“And I’m unavailable.” She scoffed at me, looking me up and down like a disgusting roach. “Do you see me doing my shopping? I’m ignoring everyone else in here, but you thought now was the time to approach me and ask me out on a date?”
“Uh…”
“What? Because I’m alone in a grocery store, I must be single and must desire a man to come hit on me and make me not feel so fucking alone?” she shouted.
I took a step back, ready to bolt, but she just kept yelling at me.
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me that they can’t take a fucking hint. I don’t need a man to save me. I don’t need someone to push my cart or give me advice on what to buy. Just because I have a vagina doesn’t make me incapable of making a decision. And I’m pretty sure having a dick doesn’t mean that you have all the answers to the universe.”
“I just?—”
“You just came over here because you thought you were God’s gift to women and thought you would save me from my sad, pathetic life. Well, let me tell you something, mister. I don’t need saving. I don’t need some beefhead to flash his muscles for me, and I certainly don’t need a bald man to make me feel better about myself.”
Now, that was just a low blow.
“I was just going to ask if I could get a bottle of orange juice.”
Her mouth dropped open in shock, then snapped shut.
“You’re blocking the aisle,” I added, reaching across her cart and snagging the one I really didn’t want.
But you know what? She went after my bald head, and that was just something I couldn’t help. She could shove her feminist bullshit up her ass and deal with the embarrassment of yelling at a man in public over nothing. I would have just walked away if she hadn’t made it personal.
I winked at her as I got the bottle. “But I’ll be sure to tell all the other men in the store that you are most definitely unavailable and don’t need to be rescued.” I turned and walked away, but then stopped and faced her again. “Oh, and I’ll be sure that no bald men walk past you. We wouldn’t want you to think they’re only standing in the grocery store for the purpose of lifting you up.”
Her face flushed red just before I turned and walked away. Yeah, I felt a tiny bit shitty for what I said, but damn, that woman had it coming. I shook my head at Thumper as I set the juice in the cart, ignoring the way he smothered his laughter behind his hand.
“I’m gonna fucking kill you,” I hissed.
“Man, I’m so sorry,” he chuckled. “I couldn’t resist.”
“Couldn’t resist what?” I asked, getting the feeling that was a setup.
“Well, in all honesty, you’re not the first man I’ve seen her do that to.”
“You—” My jaw clenched hard as I stared at my teammate. Fuck, I was gonna kill him. I was gonna give him to the butcher and have him chopped up for Fox to use in shawarma.
“If it makes you feel any better, you’re the only man that’s left her speechless.”
“Yeah, I feel so much fucking better, asshole.”
“What?” he laughed as I pushed the cart away. “You could have had something really special with her!”