28. Now I’ve Found You
TWENTY-EIGHT
NOW I’VE FOUND YOU
Seven
H e was right.
I loved football.
It might have been the way Jack’s entire face lit up as he explained the rules, the positions of all the players, the offense, and the defense.
It might have been the way he grabbed me by the hands and dragged me off the porch and out into the damp grass, barefoot, scooping up a pinecone to use as a makeshift football. He stood me close to the porch.
“Stay,” he told me, giving my forearms a squeeze before turning and running a good forty yards away from me.
The air suddenly felt too chilly without his solid presence. I shivered.
“Heads up!” he called and wound one arm back, hurling the cone forcefully.
The cone sailed through the air, and I forgot to feel exposed out in the open as I focused all my attention on it as it arced toward my face. Instinctively, I lifted my hands, the ‘football’ colliding with them. My fingers closed around it.
“Shit! You would’ve made a pretty fucking mint wide receiver!” he shouted before holding his hands up. “Let’s see your forward pass now!”
I loved doing something as simple as throwing and catching with him. Moving my body in a way that had nothing to do with danger or violence. Just pure … fun. That was the word he kept using.
We threw that pinecone back and forth until the poor thing disintegrated under the strain. Laughing a little breathlessly, Jack trotted back towards the cabin, collapsing onto the porch.
“It’s been too fucking long since I did something just for the fun of it,” he sighed. I leaned against the porch post, watching as his expression went from contentment to realization, to creeping horror.
“Don’t apologize,” I said as he opened his mouth. “You’ve had nothing to do with how my life has been before now.”
He scratched at the back of his head. “Yeah … I know. But I just …” His head fell back against his own post, his eyes reflecting the stars and the large, almost round moon above us.
I’d learned about the moon. Pure Shifters revered the moon. They performed rituals under it at its fullest. From my memory of that lesson, most of the rituals were bloodthirsty and violently sexual.
But wasn’t that what I’d been shaped into, as well? A violent weapon, a sexually exploited pawn.
You will want to revel in the full moon, too, now that you’re free, the whisper informed me. I shuddered. I hated where I’d come from, but that didn’t mean I wanted to be what the Pures were out here.
“Cold?” Jack asked, his eyes tracing me from head to toe. I shook my head.
“Did you mean what you said earlier?” I asked, rubbing at my arms, but not from the cold … from the tingle of his gaze on me. “About going back to kill them all?”
Jack’s jaw twitched. “I meant every fucking word. But … it’s not as simple as that.”
I sat beside him. “I know it’s not. But … the one thing that kept me going from the time they moved me into Rape … Reproduction … was the promise to myself that one day I would get free, and I would kill them all.”
“What was it like … growing up in there?” Jack asked, his voice low. “I want to know what they … I want to know everything.”
I hugged my stomach, staring out at the long grass that undulated in the breeze as if it were dancing. “I had a friend … in Guardian Block. I’d known her for as long as I can remember. Two … she was only days older than me—the first dozen of us were born within a week or two of each other.”
“When we were young, it was … I suppose you could call it a bit like school. We were taught to read and write. But we were also taught about Strangers. Their history, the war between them and the humans. How ruthless and careless they were about the way they decimated communities.”
I turned and looked at him. “Have you had any contact with Pureblood Strangers out here?”
Jack’s face hardened. “Not until the last couple of months. At least, that I know of, anyway. There was … my friend, Blaire—the Drinker—she got all worked up about this dude on Greenrock … that’s the place we take summer vacations every year.”
He looked over at me, a tight smile forming on his lips. “A vacation is like … going away from your home, spending time in a different place, doing shit for fun.”
I managed a little snort. “Humans seem to really revere their ‘fun’,” I commented.
He shrugged, his face sheepish. A pang of guilt shot through me that he felt like his normal, human upbringing was something to be ashamed of in the face of my experiences. I opened my mouth to apologize, but he shook his head and kept talking.
“Anyway, not that we knew it to start with, but he was a Drinker. Only at that point, Blaire and I didn’t know the truth about what we are. But it turns out that she’s … I don’t know how to explain. They call it being Joined, or some shit.”
I stiffened, my throat tightening. He glanced over at me, his face grim. He knew. He knew things about this connection between us. And he didn’t look happy about any of it.
“What does … what happened to them?” I managed to rasp.
“They … well, they … completed the Join. And that was when we realized that Blaire wasn’t human … and about the same time I discovered that I was … different, too.”
He rubbed at his forehead as if remembering these things hurt him.
“I … there was a pack of Shifters on the island. And when Blaire was off making out with … with Roman, the Drinker, they took me. They must’ve realized there was something off about me.”
He sucked in a breath. “It was the full moon. They took me to this clearing. They were …” he glanced at me sidelong, his cheekbones flushing. “They were naked, and they were … enjoying each other. And when they brought me out, three of them started beating the shit out of me, holding me still so I couldn’t fight back. And it just made the others … enjoy themselves even harder.”
“They would have scented the threat you posed,” I said quietly. Jack’s head snapped towards mine.
“What fucking threat? At that stage, there seemed to be nothing abnormal about me! I was just a dumb kid.”
My gaze raked over his broad shoulders and chest, the defined muscles of his forearms, with the jumpsuit sleeves rolled back. I’d seen human men in my time in Taiga. Human agents who were physically fit. They had nothing on him.
“There is nothing normal about you,” I murmured, then pressed my lips tight because I sounded throaty and … hungry.
“Gee, thanks,” he grunted, thankfully misinterpreting my meaning, then sighed. “Look, I know that now, but then? I had no fucking idea what I’d done to deserve that beating. I was barely conscious when Blaire and Roman, and his Drinker cronies showed up, and everything went to hell.
“Next thing I remember is waking up inside the fucking … place, their den or whatever it was. But I was fully healed. From the worst beating I could ever imagine.”
He shot to his feet, pacing back and forth in front of me. “If that’s what being a Shifter is, I don’t fucking want it! Getting off on violence. The three beating me … they were hard, and they took turns being the one to hold me still, so they could rub themselves against me … they kept telling me that the beating would stop if I bent over and let them fuck me. If I willingly submitted to them.”
I stared at him, horrified.
“But you … you didn’t, did you?” I whispered.
Jack shook his head, his complexion almost green. I reached out, and as he passed me, I grabbed hold of his hand, clutching it to me, pressing the back of it against my chest. He stilled, his fingers twitching under mine. Looking down at me with hazel eyes that were dark and stark and so sad.
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” I whispered, my eyes prickling. A single, hot tear dripped down my face.
His free hand cupped my cheek, thumb swiping the wetness away. “Don’t you ever apologize to me. Not when you’ve had to live through so much worse.”
I blinked away from the intensity of his stare, finding my lips suddenly nestled against the palm of his hand. We stayed like that for a very long moment, not moving, the moment frozen in time.
Then Jack cleared his throat and pulled away. He sat again on the edge of the porch, a little further away from me this time.
“So … we were talking about your shitty life, not mine,” he said in a strangled mockery of a jokey tone. I let him have it. Things seemed to be balancing on a razor wire, and I didn’t think either of us wanted to fall.
I want us to fall , the whisper told me petulantly. I ignored her.
So I told him everything.
“When we were about sixteen, and our differences started to become more obvious, that’s when they started to … test us,” I murmured. His sharp inhale told me he was likely picturing something nasty. “Innocent enough to begin with—tests of speed, of endurance. Running on treadmills for hours at a time. Climbing walls, obstacle courses.
“But as we all reached our late teens and began to shift for the first time, that was when they began testing us to see if we would indeed become immortal. The tests became more … intense. How fast we could heal. And once they realized that we did heal, fast, how long we could endure things like … like heat, and cold, and … and whether we could revive after being drowned.”
The growl that ripped out of him reverberated in the air.
“That’s why you mentioned drowning when I asked you about having a bath,” he snarled. “Baxter is a fucker!”
“Mercer,” I murmured, and his eyes snapped to mine. “That was Mercer. Baxter … I hadn’t met him until … until they took me outside. I was in the cage, in that clearing. You were there. I didn’t realize it was you, then, but …”
But my whisper had. Mine , she had told me. The first time she’d used the word.
“Shit,” he muttered. “You … I remember the cage. I didn’t pay it much attention. But then I got shot, and I woke up in Taiga … and I had no idea what had happened, and I freaked out. And Baxter was there, and he … drugged me. And I saw your face just before I blacked out. And it seemed important to me then, but I had no idea why.”
He turned to me, his eyes dancing over my hair, my face.
“I recognized you, that day in the lab. Even though I hadn’t seen you properly before. That’s just fucking insane.” He pinched his full bottom lip, rolling it between his fingers. I watched, mesmerized.
“You were in the mess hall that first day. Carrying a stack of plates.”
I nodded, still unable to look away from his lips. My mouth watered. Teeth sharpened. His scent thickened in the air, and a fang peeked out of his mouth. He was feeling these things, too.
“So, are you immortal, then?” he asked, and I blinked, the moment flitting away. “Has Baxter’s little experiment been a success?”
I gave one jerk of my head, an affirmative. “It happened when we were about twenty. According to Mercer, it’s earlier than it happens for Pures, although if she knows why, she never told us.”
“Wait … how long ago was that?” Jack asked suddenly. I shrugged.
“Probably about five years. I was moved to the Guardian Program then, where they taught us how to fight. To kill. I was … I excelled at it.”
Jack stared at me wide-eyed. “You …”
“Pures are evil. I was taught this from a very young age. Killing them was what we were bred for … that’s what they told us anyway,” I explained, hoping he wasn’t horrified by my admission that I was good at killing.
Jack shook his head. “You’re … you’re twenty-five years old?”
A shocked laugh ripped out of me. “That’s the thing that you’re fixating on here? That I’m twenty-five?”
Jack’s face colored. “Sorry, I … it doesn’t even matter, that you’re older than me. I don’t … we’re not … this isn’t …”
His words faltered, and his eyes found mine. And I knew then that whatever this connection between us was … we could fight it all we wanted, but it wouldn’t make it go away.
Stop fighting it , the whisper insisted. But I broke our stare, focusing on the swaying trees, black shadows across the clearing.
“That night, in the clearing on Greenrock. What happened, after I …?” he asked suddenly. “No one has told me where she is. Baxter wouldn’t tell me anything, only that she was safe. But she could be back there, at Taiga, or she could be somewhere else. I don’t even know if Roman got back in time to …”
I knew he was talking about the girl in the clearing. The one that Echo had been holding hostage. Blaire. The best friend. The Drinker best friend. The female best friend who he very clearly cared a great deal for.
The whisper growled.
“I don’t know,” I answered curtly. “When you were shot, I went berserk, and they had to sedate me to keep me from injuring myself or the other hybrids in the cage. I don’t remember anything after that.”
There, let him do with that what he would. After all, his precious Blaire had apparently ‘Joined’ with that Drinker. He knew about this … urge I had. On some level, he felt it, too.
But what if he felt more for her? They had history, from when he thought he was nothing more than human. From when she thought the same.
Had they …? Had they been intimate? Before she ‘Joined’ with this Drinker she met on vacation?
Did he still want her, even though she was tied to someone else?
I shook my head. It didn’t matter. I didn’t want to Join with him. I might be … intensely aroused by him. I might feel comforted by his closeness. I might … I might actually like the stupid male, with his cheeky grin, and his football games, and his running of warm baths.
But I didn’t want the misery, the pain, the … the weakness that came with whatever this Joining was.
What you saw of Twelve and Nineteen is not how it is out here, the whisper informed me snippily. You wouldn’t have to endure what they did.
You can’t guarantee that. Not with us planning to walk willingly back into danger, to return to Taiga to …
I shot to my feet.
“Is that why you want to go back to Taiga? Because of her?” I asked suddenly, my eyes narrowing at Jack. He blinked at me in confusion. “Because you think she might be held there? Do you want to rescue her? Is that what is behind your motivation to return?”
My words were angry. My body felt electrified with … with fury. Like I wanted to punch something. His handsome face, maybe. Or this stupid Blaire female.
His eyes darkened, then suddenly flared with gold. In two long strides, he was in front of me. I took a step back, bumping into one of the porch posts. He crowded me, his front pressed to mine, his heat melting into me.
Feels good … closer … the whisper purred.
He scowled down at me. “You think that I promised you that I’d go back there, kill all of those who tortured you , who raped you , who caged you , because of her ?”
I glared up at him, nodding once.
“I think you feel … things for her!” I accused, realizing I sounded utterly crazed but not even caring.
His hands shot out, arms wrapping around me, gripping the post behind me. Pressing me hard against every inch of him. My chest heaved. My stomach jolted. My heart thrummed wildly.
“I did feel things for her. But then she found him . And now I’ve found you, Blossom.”
My lips parted, ready to say something cutting.
But the words never came.
He kissed me ferociously.
It was not sensual or tentative.
He took my mouth with a possessiveness that would have had me on the ground in a boneless heap if I hadn’t been completely trapped between the post and his huge body.
It was tongue … and teeth … and growls. His and mine. And my own fury, with him, with this Blaire female, with everything that had been done to me, that had made me as jaded as I was, surged upwards.
I clawed at his hips, the only part I could reach with the way he had me pinned. My nails lengthened, digging into his flesh.
“Fuck,” he snarled into my mouth, and he gripped the back of my neck almost too tight.
Not tight enough.
It forced our kiss to deepen until I couldn’t tell where he ended and I began. His heart thudded against my chest, in sync with my own.
I wanted this. I wanted more.
I wanted everything.
But he broke away with a snarl, his fingers digging into the nape of my neck as he glared down at me, his eyes no longer gold but still furious.
“My mother is in there. And the man who raised me … both locked away in there. They didn’t even cross my mind. I only thought of you. Just you. And the murder I want to do to everyone who hurt you.”
He stepped away, and my suddenly human fingernails slipped from his hips, my arms hanging limply by my sides. Shock and need were an ache deep in my chest.
“I’m going to bed.”
He surged past me onto the porch, slamming into the cabin. He didn’t close the door, though. But I was too wired with so many conflicting emotions that the last thing I needed was to follow him now. What would happen? Would we argue more? Would he kiss me again?
I couldn’t cope with either of those things for so many reasons.
His mother. The woman who had birthed him. Because he hadn’t been born in a lab inside a windowless building. He had been raised with love, to believe he was human. He’d had football, and those silly card games, and a best friend who he was worried about. The same way I had been worrying about Two for months now.
I was a fool. Because even as my rational mind told me that he was perfectly entitled to worry for his friend, to want to know she was safe after everything they’d been through that night in that other clearing, heat and anger still surged in my gut.
I had no word for what this emotion that roiled through me was. But I hated it. I didn’t want to feel it. But I didn’t want to talk to him about it either. Because it was too caught up in this connection between us.
For once, the openness of the outside didn’t scare me as much as going inside and facing him did.
So I stepped away from the porch, and I lay down in the grass, and I let it form a canopy over me, sealing the outside world. And I tried to just not feel anything.