Chapter Thirteen
Dear Lydia,
I know this letter isn’t enough. Nowhere near enough. But I’m too much of a coward to say this to your face – to see that look in your eyes. I’m leaving tomorrow morning.
This isn’t about you. It isn’t about us. I need you to believe that.
I’m trying to be someone better. Someone worthy of the way you see the world. Of the way you see me.
This is my chance to figure that out. And – as always – my timing is absolute shit.
Our timing is shit.
Love always,
Ren
Ren
The door banged three times on my second swirl of the beef ragu, ‘Watermelon Sugar’ blasting from my speakers.
Peggy cocked her head, listening intently.
I thought it must be my mad neighbours in another argument of theirs until Peggy shot up, barking, at the fourth and fifth bang on the door.
I huffed, laying down the wooden spoon, and strolled to the door in a leisurely fashion.
Banging at my door wouldn’t make me rush.
It wasn’t until I looked through the viewfinder at the blonde head at the door that I stood ramrod-straight, my breath coming short.
Lydia had her arms crossed, her face flushed, and sporting her familiar colourful workout gear.
Today it was bright green. Something dropped in my stomach, but butterflies quickly took over, lifting whatever had dropped down my throat.
Sure, I’d been around her, walking beside her, sleeping near her for days.
But now she was at my door for the first time in years.
I fumbled with the lock on the door, about to ask her in, as she took advantage of the open door and pushed past me into my apartment.
She already knew the layout, so she swung left into my kitchen.
I pushed down the smile that threatened to appear.
‘Lydia. Come in. Make yourself at home,’ I said dryly, earning a sharp look that rippled all over my skin.
I missed the curl of her lips, her laugh and her friendship. But, God, did I miss that cutting look more than anything. The look said I was more than the sunshine facade she gave everyone else. It meant she gave me light and dark and everything else in between.
Lydia whirled around. Peggy circled her, her tail wagging, oblivious to the tension in the room.
Lydia’s eyes glazed over, travelling down my bare torso and back up again. Light pink dusted her cheeks.
She huffed and raised a palm. ‘Can you put some clothes on? God!’
I wanted to chuckle. So this attraction of ours wasn’t one-sided. Even if she was less likely to admit it than me.
‘You stormed into my flat, Lyds.’
‘Don’t.’ She held up a finger, her eyes sharp. ‘Don’t open your mouth.’
‘Really? Women usually like my—’
‘What were you thinking?’
‘You’ll have to be more specific. Before or after the almost-kiss at the top of Mam Tor? Or the part where you caught me fresh out of the shower? Are you sure you want to know what I was thinking? Or will it make you run again?’
I stepped forward. Her eyes widened, her gaze tracing the tattoos on my chest. Her breath was coming quickly, and I knew she felt this pull between us, even if she denied it.
‘Craig.’
Ah. That. I should have known someone in Everly Heath would spill the beans.
‘I was thinking,’ I said firmly, ‘that prick had it coming. That someone needed to do something. That you deserved someone who’d stand up for you.’
‘I didn’t ask you to do that.’ Her eyes flared, cheeks flushed with anger. ‘I don’t need a white knight charging in to save me.’
‘Well, tough. You have one. And I don’t regret it.
Just like I won’t regret it if you want to drive over and tell that arsehole yourself.
’ I grabbed my car keys. ‘I’ll go now if you want.
You can say whatever you want to say, to his face.
I won’t say a word. I’ll just sit back and watch you eviscerate him. ’
‘Ren.’ She swiped a hand across her forehead. ‘You can’t do this, Ren. This – this is all so fucking confusing.’
Her voice softened and it broke me. I could take her anger and bear it, but she looked soft and defeated. And I couldn’t stand it. It made me want to wrap her up in my clothes, run her a bath and keep her fed.
‘I’m sorry. I came on too strong. Come here, sit down.
’ I nudged her gently towards the bar stools.
‘My point is, I’m not going to let some smug, entitled arsehole – who has made your life hell for years, by the way – manipulate you out of a job you love.
A job you’re brilliant at. Not without consequences. ’
She sat stiffly, her eyes on the floor. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, desperate for her to look at me. But her jaw was set, all quiet defiance.
‘What are you doing, Ren?’
I glanced around the kitchen. ‘Well, until you stormed in, raring for a fight, I was making dinner. Still warm, if you want some?’
Her eyes flicked to the pot on the stove, then quickly away. ‘Not that. This. Us. What exactly is your play here?’
I raised a brow, but she barrelled on.
‘You say you just want to be my friend. Then you flirt with me. You touch me. And at the top of Mam Tor we—’
Her mouth snapped shut like she could take the words back.
I stepped closer. She didn’t move or breathe. And I saw it then. The panic and the ache she was trying to hide under all that fire.
I tilted her chin with my fingers, slowly and gently. ‘Look at me.’
Her wild blue eyes met mine.
Home, I thought. These eyes were home.
‘We almost kissed,’ I said, voice low. ‘You can say it out loud, Lydia. God knows, I’ve thought of nothing else since I drove away.’
Her eyes narrowed, smacking away my hand. ‘And what if we had kissed, Ren? Would you have disappeared again?’
I rubbed a hand across my mouth. ‘No, Lydia. I’ve told you. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.’
Her voice cut through me, hard as steel. ‘This could never work. And it’s not just us, you know. We’d be dragging everyone into it – Mum and Dad. Kat and Liam. Your dad too. If we messed this up again—’
‘We don’t have to mess it up again.’
She shook her head. ‘We already did. We ruined the friendship the night we—’ she broke off, jaw tightening. A long breath. Then her eyes found mine.
‘When you woke up in my bed,’ she said quietly, ‘and left without a word.’
‘I left a note—’
‘Oh, fuck your note!’ she spat out. ‘It didn’t say anything, Ren. It was a collection of bloody riddles. I couldn’t make head nor tail of it. All I know is you got on a flight. I don’t even know where you were. I didn’t know who you were with. If you were safe—’
Her voice broke at the last word, and so did my heart. So I took a calculated risk. I stepped forward, cradling her jaw in my hands. And I wagered wrong, because she pulled away like I had scorched her.
‘I don’t want your sympathy.’ She rose from the bar stool, stepping into my space. Did she know she was doing that? ‘I want to know what you think will happen once we’re friends. What is your play?’
‘I never said I had a play, Lydia.’
‘Then why do you keep looking at me?’ she snapped, her cheeks pink. Her fiery blue eyes didn’t leave mine, and I was transfixed. ‘You keep looking at me. Touching me. You’re always there, helping, being—’ she gestures to me. ‘Being you. It’s insufferable. I can’t stand it.’
‘Sounds like I’ve got under your skin, Lyds.’
She scoffed. I take a step closer, and her face drops.
‘Good. Because you’re under mine. I tried to escape it.
I tried to convince myself I could stay away from you.
I tried to convince myself that I could move miles across the globe and not think of you every single fucking day.
But guess what? I was wrong. So fucking wrong.
So if I have to be your friend, then fine.
I’ll take whatever you give me.’ I stepped forward, my eyes blazing up and down her.
‘But let’s not pretend it’s gone. This.’ I take her hand, bringing it to my chest so she could feel my heart race for her.
‘Let’s not pretend that whatever we started that night, whatever has always existed in some way between us, whatever I ran from like a coward, isn’t still here. Because it is.’
Her face was angled up, her eyes shifting between mine. Her chest heaved like mine. She wet her lips.
‘You have no idea what you do to me. How much I want you.’ I said it low, rough with truth, every word peeling off a layer I’d been hiding behind.
It felt reckless. It felt right. ‘When you pull your hair up into a ponytail, I want to wrap my hand around it badly. When you glare at me for being helpful, I want to kiss the look off your face. When you laugh, your face lights up. When you’re jealous…
’ She let out a puff of indignant air. ‘Even if you won’t admit it.
You have no idea how much I want – and how much of it is not friendly. ’
She sucked in a breath.
‘So you’re right. We can’t be friends. Maybe I lied. To myself, more than anything. I’m not sure I can ever just be friends with you, Lydia. But I know that if you rip this cord, this connection between us, I’m not sure I’ll survive it. So I’ll give whatever morsels you’ll give me.’
My gaze dropped to her lips. ‘And you should know. All I can think of right now is how much I want to kiss you – and how I know you want to kiss me too.’
Lydia’s eyes shifted to my lips and it took everything I had to hold still. Time stretched between us.
‘Fuck it!’
And her soft lips met mine.
It took a moment of brain lag to wonder if this was another dream and if I’d wake up frustrated and alone.
But then her lips pulled back, and I seized the opportunity, moving forward to meet her lips.
She paused, and I pulled back, only to kiss her again, soft and sweet, on the corner of her mouth.
Gentle. As if I was trying to temper any panic or thoughts that might follow this kiss. I kissed the other side of her mouth.
Her hands came up into my hair, and she finally pulled me closer; her lips landed on mine.
There was no playing this time. And she lit me on fire.
The kiss intensified, a battle of our wills and lips, until I had her pressed against the kitchen counter, and my hands palmed the back of her legs, sliding her up on to the counter without breaking our kiss.
She gasped as I pulled her flush against me, our bodies aligning as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
My cock pressed against the edge of the counter, and I bit back the urge to grind into it – just to feel something, anything, that might take the edge off.
She felt like heaven, and I let my hands roam up the soft material that covered her strong thighs, up to her hips.
My hands on her arse, I pulled her towards me, making her gasp into my mouth.
In answer, her teeth sank into my bottom lip, and I couldn’t hold back the desperate laugh that escaped my lips. Of course, it was a competition.
‘God, I’ve missed you,’ I groaned, kissing down her neck, my hands in her hair.
But Lydia stilled. My stomach plummeted.
Don’t tell me you’ve missed me.
I’d done the one thing I’d promised I wouldn’t. I wanted to kick myself. Of course I had to ruin this with my big mouth. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her as she pulled herself down from the counter, fixing her ponytail – the one I had messed up.
‘Lydia—’
She squeezed her eyes shut. ‘Shit! This is so messy. What am I doing?’
‘Hey, hey.’ My palms grazed her arm, trying to get her to look at me. ‘It’s okay.’
‘This is a mistake, Ren,’ she said, softly. She pushed past me, her rose musk lingering in my hallway. I stared after her for a moment, as the door swung shut.
‘Well, Peggy,’ I said, looking into her warm brown eyes. ‘I think I fucked that up.’