Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
When she woke up the next morning, his words were still playing in her head.
"...that was a mistake."
She fell asleep before the words truly hit her, but they'd obviously stayed in her head while she'd been asleep because they were there, replaying as her eyes opened and over and over again as she lay awake, still wrapped up in his embrace.
There was more than what she'd heard. She knew that.
But none of it could be good.
Had he gotten wrapped up in the romance of the day and then she'd made it worse by putting her mouth on him?
Her stomach twisted inside of her at the memory.
She'd never been the kind of person to push things intimately with someone, but she was a different person with Walker.
No, she was a different person than she'd been before. She'd grown and changed. She couldn't put this on him when she'd reached for him and put her mouth on him because she wanted to.
And sex?
She'd made sure that they'd used a condom before, but she'd willingly taken him inside of her without one.
She'd wanted him too much. Wanted the feelings he stirred up inside of her even more.
And he'd come inside of her with all of those feelings rushing through her veins.
She could still feel the way he took her against the wall, bottomed out in her over and over, and brought her over the edge with a singular focus, right along with him.
The words, 'I love you,' had been on the tip of her tongue and she'd been on the verge of saying them again as he'd tucked them into bed, but her exhaustion had kept her silent.
Now she was glad she'd kept silent.
If she hadn't?
She squeezed her eyes tight and struggled to keep her breaths even and slow.
The last thing she wanted to do was wake him.
She couldn't imagine what it would be like to look him in the eye and ask him about his words.
She didn't want to ask him about his words. The truth could hurt even more than whatever excuse he could come up with.
And she didn't want him to think of a way to let her down easy.
She'd known what she was getting into with Walker.
She'd known how desirable he was from the beginning.
Wanted him like so many others.
Felt special even though she knew she wasn't the first who'd received his attentions.
She didn't want to risk waking him up, but she also couldn't lay there wondering how to escape the uncomfortable conversation if he was awake, so she wiggled a little, turning in his lax embrace.
When he didn't stir, she moved a little more and Walker turned over on his back, still breathing deeply in sleep.
Kennedy moved off of the bed and went through her closet, grabbing a loose-fitting outfit.
She wanted a shower-
Needed a shower.
But turning it on in her apartment would definitely wake him up.
The locker room in the news station building had showers. It was crazy how many times people stayed there more than a day at a time when big stories hit. They had showers to help keep their reporters looking fresh and clean.
She could get there, shower and change, and see if John was up to filming something.
If she didn't do something productive, she'd go nuts, if she wasn't already there.
Changing in silence, tucked in behind the closet door, she picked up her purse and was gone moments later.
Shutting the door behind her felt like she'd shut the door on so much more.
She just didn't want to name it.
Not then.
Not ever.
The locker room at WCCN was barely in use when she arrived and empty when she finished. She barely saw a soul on the way to her desk. It was a decent hour when she called John to check in.
"Hey, John," she felt her smile stretching painfully at her lips, "I was wondering if you'd like to film a few things today with me."
There was an odd silence on the other end of the line.
"Ken... I have to beg off today."
She heard the tension in his voice and sat down on the edge of her desk. "What's wrong? What's going on?"
Kennedy closed her eyes and tried to listen in even closer to his voice.
She heard him sigh and the sound of it put her nerves even more on edge. "John?"
"Donna's in the hospital, Ken."
Oh god.
Her eyes opened suddenly, and her gaze moved to the picture on her desk. One of all three of them. John, his wife, Donna, and herself at the WCCN Christmas party the year before.
"What... what's going on?"
She could almost see him pacing in her head, his phone pressed tightly to his ear.
"That's the thing, Ken. We don't know." She heard the heavy sigh and felt it weigh on her heart. "She hasn't been feeling well, off and on for the last few months. She thought... We thought it was a cold. Her doctor said it was something probably about her thyroid or something and we've been testing, but last night..."
"I'll come down and sit with you." She was up on her feet, reaching for her keys a moment later.
"No. No." She was still moving when she heard the finality in his voice. "We're good right now."
"Can I do something to help?" She was trying to figure out something she could do and give them their space. "Like have some food sent over? Coffee?"
She wanted to kick the leg of her desk out of frustration, but she had to hold it all back.
"We're good right now, Kennedy." There was a fading pause for a moment. "Donna sends her love and says we'll call you as soon as we know something... something definitive."
"Oh... okay." She wanted to argue, but that was just her impotent frustration rearing its head. "I... I love you guys, John."
When he spoke, his voice sounded rougher than she was used to hearing it. "We love you, too, Kennedy. Love you so much. Look, I've got to go."
"Yeah, yeah." She blew out a breath. "Tell Donna, whatever she needs, just let me know."
She hung up the phone and her eyes moved over the room, not seeing much of anything.
What was going on?
She had already been frustrated, but what she'd been stressing over was nothing compared to the fear she heard in John's voice.
For years she'd seen the relationship between John and his wife, and she'd wanted something like that for herself.
Something that she'd been hoping to find for herself.
Something she thought she'd been on the verge of before-
She was moving before she realized that she'd made the decision.
Moving, her keys in her hand, and her heart in her throat.
She had to do something to take her mind off of the struggles that her heart was in.
When she reached her car in the parking lot, she heard a ruckus coming from the street. The high-toned whine of a fire engine's siren bouncing off the cement walls.
A fire engine.
She would have snapped if she could, but her fingers had never learned the way to produce that sound. Instead, she opened the door to her car and slid into the driver's seat.
She was just a few minutes away from Fire Station Twenty-nine.
There were a few parking spots along the street in front of the station and off to one side, but they were almost always taken by the firefighters on shift. When she found them already taken, Kennedy pulled onto the concrete apron and parked in a corner hoping that there would be more than enough room for the trucks to leave or return without her blocking the way.
As she stepped out of her car she heard the warning tones of the speaker inside the building.
What was said, she couldn't quite hear.
She saw Harmony Morgan and her ambulance partner burst out of a door onto the apparatus floor.
Harmony turned and her steps slowed for a moment when she saw Kennedy. "Hey!"
The pretty blonde waved at her, jogging sideways a few steps. "You okay?"
Kennedy smiled at her, happy to see the EMT even in passing. "I'm here to see the Chief."
Harmony lifted her chin and pointed at the door she'd just run out of. "Go through there. You'll see signs!"
Kennedy called out her thanks, but Harmony was already in the ambulance, and they were pulling out of the bay door and onto the street. Again, she was impressed with how helpful the First Responder community was.
People in her occupation were more guarded, usually wondering what someone else wanted or what it might mean for them before they answered questions.
She continued through the open bay door and walked through the door into the fire station. Harmony was right.
There were signs leading toward the fire chief's office and when she walked in, she saw the man himself speaking to a woman sitting at a desk.
From what Vitalia had told her she assumed it was his secretary. Before she could introduce herself, the woman behind the desk stood and walked around with her hand extended. "I'm Leona Carissi. How may I help you?"
Smiling, Kennedy shook her hand. "I was actually stopping by to speak to Chief Campanelli."
Leona gave her boss a look before turning back to Kennedy. "You're lucky indeed. The man is here."
Chief Campanelli, who Kennedy had met and taken statements from a handful of times before, greeted her with a smile. "Kennedy Heart! What can I help you with?"
"Can?"
Kennedy and the Chief both turned toward Leona who gave her boss a knowing look and a raised eyebrow.
The Chief turned back to Kennedy with a wry smile on his face. "Leona's getting on me about my word choice. How may I help you?"
Leona mumbled, not quite under her breath. "What's wrong with using the right words?"
Kennedy could tell that the two got along really well. They'd probably worked together for years. She addressed the Fire Chief's question. "I had a favor to ask. It might not be something you can do, but it's just an idea that I had after talking to some Center City residents about fire safety."
Chief Campanelli's brow raised and his lips curved up in a subtle smile. "I like it already. While we spend a good amount of our time on shift putting out fires, we'd much rather prevent them. Why don't you walk with me, and we can talk as we go."
Kennedy hesitated. "If you have something to do, I can come back at another time."
"No. Nothing at the moment, but I like to walk and talk if I can. My wife Gloria always gets on me about sitting down too much."
Kennedy was shocked at the idea. "I've hardly ever seen you stand still, Chief."
He gave her a fatherly wink. "I'll have Gloria call you the next time she starts to complain." He gestured toward the outside door to his office. "Come with me and we'll head to the kitchen to get something to snack on."
Kennedy saw Leona's head snap up and her gaze fixed on Chief Campanelli.
He gave his secretary a smile. "It'll be a healthy snack, Leona. I promise."
Rolling her eyes, Leona went back to work on the pile of documents on her desktop.
Kennedy felt like she was retracing her steps in a way. "I was thinking about one of the housing areas in Center City. They've had a lot of trouble there, not just with fires," she'd rushed ahead to qualify her worries, but she was careful to keep her tone even and light. "I was speaking to a few of the women who live in the housing development and along with their concerns, they want to find out what they can do to minimize the chances of fires sparking up from trash that the city is being slow to pick up."
The Chief nodded along as they walked.
"I've already put in some calls to the local Alderman asking about the trash pickup and making sure it's more reliable, especially when the residents then get charged with overage fees for picking up 'more' than their allotted trash..." She blushed a little. "But that's not something you need to be bothered with."
The Chief shook his head. "Go ahead and tell me whatever you need to tell me. I like seeing the overall situation when I get to a scene. This is no different."
Kennedy smiled at him, feeling a lot of comfort talking to him. "I can see why everyone says you're the best."
"I don't know who says that about me, but my wife might have some arguments there."
Kennedy gave him a little side eye. "I doubt that. The general consensus is that you're the best Chief in the CCFD. I have seen or heard nothing to call that into question. Which is why I came to you, even though..." she winced and knew that he saw the expression she pulled, "the housing area I'm talking about isn't in your area."
They stepped out into the hallway between the door she entered through and the common room. "What area are we talking about?"
Kennedy rattled off the name of the development and the main cross streets. "A couple of the ladies I spoke to had seen one of the trucks in response to a fire there."
The Chief leaned his head back, his gaze drifting up to the ceiling above their heads. "I seem to remember a call we had there for a fire."
She smiled. "It was a big one and they said your trucks were called out because the ones from their area were out on other calls."
He nodded. "Sounds about right."
The doors to the apparatus floor swung open and one of the firefighters walk through with another man beside him.
"Braun?"
The lieutenant looked over at them and slowed to a stop. "Yes, Chief?"
Chief Campanelli crooked his fingers at him. "Come over for a second."
Kennedy saw Braun start over toward them, his hand gesturing for the man beside him to come along as well.
The Chief gestured to her. "Kennedy, you know Lieutenant Braun here."
She nodded and reached out to shake his hand. "Lieutenant. Good to see you again."
He shook her hand then gestured to the man standing beside him. "This is Kaleo Kenney. He's joining us on Rescue to fill Seth's spot."
The Chief smiled looking at the new firefighter and Kennedy. "Kenney and Kennedy. I guess I'm glad the two of you are meeting up. I'm just glad you two aren't working here or it could get to be confusing."
Kaleo laughed. "The guys back home call me Duke."
"Duke?" Kennedy raised a curious brow at that.
"I just moved here from Hawaii. I was one of the water rescue guys back home. So it's a surfing thing."
"Surfing?" Kennedy shuddered a little at the thought. "The water gets so cold here. I look at the lake and I start to shiver."
Kaleo laughed out loud at that. "I heard I'd have to get an industrial wetsuit before I try to go into the lake here in Center City."
Chief Campanelli gestured at Kennedy. "Braun, Kennedy here has a request for some public outreach and education. Can I have you talk to her about the logistics? I think this is something right up our alley."
Kennedy saw the real smile light up the lieutenant's face.
"Sure!" He turned to look at Duke. "What about you? Have you done anything like that in Hawaii?"
Duke nodded. "We did a lot of school programs and Keiki Days at the firehouses." He turned, addressing the group. "Keiki is the Hawaiian word for child... children. I'd like to help if I can. I think it would be a good way to get my feet wet."
"Just don't get hypothermia," Kennedy coughed nervously. "Sorry. Bad joke."
Duke shook his head and smiled at her. "I liked it."
Braun gestured toward the common room. "Why don't we go in the common area and talk? We could probably rope a few of the others into the conversation and make some good headway in planning before the next call pops up."
Kennedy grinned and walked along with Braun and Duke, knowing that she'd made a really good decision coming to Twenty-Nine.
Walker was in a fucking mood.
He woke up in Kennedy's bed in her apartment.
Fucking alone.
He'd groaned and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling wondering when she'd gotten up and out of bed.
He hadn't even heard the shower or her moving around.
And for the first time in his life, the walk of shame really felt like it. Putting his fancy suit on and walking out of Kennedy's apartment building felt like shit.
Even more so when he bumped into his brother-in-law in the elevator.
Martin Ferris, Rock as he was called at Firehouse Twenty-Nine barely showed any surprise when the elevator doors opened, and he stepped inside.
In fact, he didn't say a word on the way down to the lobby. He'd lifted his chin in greeting and naturally moved into the empty half of the elevator car. It wasn't until the doors opened to the lobby and they both stepped out that Rock spoke.
"You heading out to get breakfast for Kennedy?"
Walker couldn't quite school his expression fast enough.
Rock stopped walking and turned to look at him. "What happened? You two looked good last night."
Walker folded his arms across his chest, his coat draped over his forearm. Before he spoke, he glared off at an invisible spot across the lobby.
He shook his head at his lack of an answer and then went for the truth. "Fuck if I know."
He shrugged. "We came back here early and..." Walker felt a muscle in his jaw flex and almost crack through his jaw. "I woke up alone. Not a fucking note. Not a fucking message on my damn phone!"
Rock's eyes widened a little and he raised an eyebrow. "Were you an ass?"
Walker dropped his chin and glared at the other man. "Probably. Not that I would have recognized it, I guess." He started to take a step in one direction and came back to the place he'd been standing. "I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing when it comes to Kennedy, man. I feel like I'm getting the hang of it and then... And then..." His shoulders raised in a helpless gesture. "I don't know."
Rock looked back at him for a moment and then another.
That's when Walker narrowed his eyes at the other man. "Well?"
Rock's snort of laughter rubbed Walker the wrong way.
It was even worse when he spoke.
"Well what? I'm not the man to go to for advice. I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells around Kate sometimes. Waiting for the moment I fuck it up and she walks out the door."
Walker frowned at that and leaned in, lowering his voice. "You guys are... you guys are perfect together."
"She keeps me on my toes, that's for fucking sure, man. But I still don't know if I have the right stuff to keep her for the rest of our lives. I love her with everything I am, but some days I wonder if she'll figure out I'm not everything she wants."
Walker snorted a little. "I call bullshit on that. Kate loves you like crazy. That I can tell you from the outside looking in. You're everything she could never find in other men including the way you listen to her and make her feel safe."
"Safe?" Rock's brow creased above the bridge of his nose. "She's the bad ass cop. I'm just a hose jockey who sucks in smoke for a living."
Walker shook his head. "It's not about you being able to beat some ass to a pulp or slap the cuffs on someone. You let her be... Kate. You don't make her feel like she's less than a woman for being a damn good officer. You admire her strengths, and you counter her weaknesses."
Walker took a step back from the other man. "I don't think I do that for Kennedy."
The realization hurt.
"I don't know what I can give her besides a few damn good orgasms."
Rock cast his gaze down toward the floor. "Don't let her hear you talking about that."
Walker waved one hand in the air. "I'm probably already screwing things up with her. That's why I woke up alone in her bed."
Rock folded his arms across his chest and Walker had to smile at that picture he presented. The man was older than himself, but it was obvious looking at him that he was still in the prime of his life.
There was a good chance that Rock could beat the crap out of him if he wanted to, but thankfully, they didn't have much, if anything, that they disagreed upon.
"So you had a... good night with her but woke up alone this morning."
Walker nodded. "That's all I know."
Rock tilted his head when he narrowed his gaze at Walker's face. A moment later, he shook his head. "Sounds like you did something stupid. All I can say in my limited experience, is you better go find Kennedy. Sit her down. And ask her how the fuck you screwed up. And how you can fix it."
Walker drew in a chest-filling breath and sighed it out. "Is that what you'd do with my sister?"
"If it was your sister, she'd get good and pissed, push me down on the bed and-"
"Whoa there." Walker clapped his hands over his ears. "Not something I need to hear."
Rock laughed out loud and the sound was big enough that everyone in eyesight turned to look at them. "Kennedy and Kate are two very different women, Walker. How I would deal with moments like this would not be how you would if you want to figure things out with her."
He gave Walker a good, hard look and set his hand on Walker's shoulder.
"If you want my advice, talk to her. You can't read her mind. Don't try to."
Walker shook his head knowing that Rock was right even though he didn't like the idea. He rolled his shoulders trying to ease the painful tightness in his muscles. He turned around to leave the building, but stopped when he heard Rock say his name.
"You never know what it could be, Walker. It could be something like a simple misunderstanding. Or it could make or break your relationship with her." Rock took a step closer and lowered his chin to meet his gaze. "If it matters. If she matters. Don't waste time."
Walker heard the words that Rock told him. Felt those words sit on his shoulder like one of those angels or devils in old cartoons. He just couldn't decide which it was.
"I... I don't know what to say."
Rock shook his head. "I don't care what you say to her or what you don't- No. That’s not true. I care. You're Kate's brother. Seeing you happy would make her happy. We might have had different paths to each other than Roan and Pilar but make no mistake. She wants you happy, too, Walker. You just have to figure out if you want it for yourself. Until you reach that decision, there's nothing I, or Kate, can do."
"Yeah," Walker took a step away from his brother-in-law. "I'm not... you and Kate don't have to do anything."
Rock lifted a brow at that, but he didn't say a word.
"I need to get home and grab a shower."
He turned and walked away knowing that he'd already made a decision to talk to Kennedy. He just had to find her first.