3. Teeny
CHAPTER THREE
Teeny
NOW
When Leo and I were house hunting eight years ago, we weren’t picky home buyers. We just wanted something modest where we could watch our daughter, Sadie, grow up. Somewhere safe with a decent school district and enough room for us to eventually bring home a yellow lab like I’ve always wanted. We finally found one not too far from my parents’ house, the place I’d grown up and where my brothers hadn’t strayed too far from as well. We could still stop by on the weekends and drop off Sadie for an overnight stay at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. James and his family could come over for Sunday Night Football or a random weekend barbeque. While it needed some work, it was perfect for our growing family.
Now, walking into the vacant house that suddenly feels too big, it feels empty. There’s no yellow lab to meet me with a wildly wagging tail and the pitter-patter of happy paw steps. There’s no husband to ask how my day was or what I want to do for dinner. I’d spent almost half my life building this life and this home, putting up the walls and filling the space with memories, only for it to feel like it’s no longer mine.
I set my purse down on the floor somewhere on the way to the kitchen, tossing my keys on the counter as I flick on the overhead lighting. My coffee mug from this morning sits half empty next to the sink. Sadie’s headphones and ChapStick are left on the stool tucked under the kitchen island, forgotten and probably being searched for at this very moment. Piles of mail are scattered in a disorderly heap, and my laptop sits left open with a blank screen and invoices resting atop the keyboard.
With Leo’s partnership that came shortly after we bought this house, we experienced a level of financial freedom most couples our age didn’t get to. Leo’s ambition gave us this home and a life that allowed me to pursue my work at a pace I was comfortable with. I studied architecture in college and shifted my career goals toward interior design and decorating once I started working and found more opportunities. I worked freelance and took on clients without the pressure of constantly having to work. Looking back now, it seems it all came with a price. Late nights of Leo courting clients and opportunities to expand his reach. “Networking,” as he called it. Maybe I was too trusting. Maybe I thought our marriage, while it wasn’t perfect, didn’t have enough ups and downs for Leo to consider a greener pasture. But maybe we needed those ups and downs. Because living life in a straight line was boring. It was uneventful and listless. Something so quick to get tired of.
My phone rings just then, vibrating violently inside my purse. When I look at the screen, I see Sadie’s name flash on the screen.
“Mom,” Sadie calls as soon as I answer. “I don’t need you to pick me up. Lauren’s dad’s going to drop me off.”
I glance at the time glowing off the microwave. “It’s almost nine,” I comment. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” she answers. “We’re putting on Mean Girls. ”
“ Mean Girls ?”
“Lauren’s mom is showing us some old-school movies. We just finished watching The Notebook .”
“And those movies are considered ‘old school?’” I ask rhetorically, unable to hide the criticism in my voice.
“Mom! I gotta go!”
“All right. Text me when you’re on your way home.”
“Okay. Bye!”
I smirk, hanging up and staring at my phone screen. Moments like this are where I’d tell Leo our fourteen-year-old daughter thinks the movies I watched as a teen are now considered “old school.” Or that Sadie’s out late with her friends and we have the house to ourselves for a few more hours. And suddenly, I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation like that with Leo.
We hadn’t been Leo and Christine in so long. And I don’t have the heart to mourn us. Not when there are so many things to be angry about. How Leo and I both used work as a buffer to fill the cold, empty space between us. How our attention veered more toward Sadie even though she’d long outgrown the stage of her life where we needed to baby her to death. How I’d even ignored the way he’d spend more time on his phone or on drawn out “work calls,” most likely scheming a quickie with his mistress.
How did I end up here?
Instead of contemplating and reexamining my marriage, I trudge into my en suite to shower. Maybe running my body under scalding hot water might melt some of the tension off me. And quite possibly even the nagging questions making me wonder what I could’ve done differently with my past.
* * *
I tossed and turned all night. Every time I closed my eyes, I kept seeing Everett.
Everett sitting in the driver’s seat of his BMW with the windows rolled down and the breeze blowing through his hair.
Everett running across the hard cement of our driveway as he and Josh did practice runs on weekends.
Everett chasing me across the sandy beach in nothing but his board shorts and sun kissed skin, laughing at me whenever I splashed water in his face.
He’s back. I tried to erase all thoughts of him from my mind last night but as soon as my head hit my pillow, I failed miserably. And now, it feels as if the last twenty years was this long stretched out chunk of time that didn’t even really happen. Sadie, my marriage, everything feels like it happened in some hazy alternative universe and suddenly, I’m sixteen again. I’m waiting for the boy next door to come over and flirt with me under the guise of hanging out with my older brother.
I’m thinking all of this, all the moments that could have been if Everett stayed, when I pull into my parents’ neighborhood with a box of fresh donuts nestled into the cushioned seat behind me and Sadie sitting next to me in the passenger seat.
“Mom,” Sadie calls for my attention with her head bowed down to her phone. “Lauren’s asking what time we’re going to pick her up?”
“We should be done by one, so about one thirty?”
She silently nods, and I peer at the back seat where my canvas tote bag filled with my bathing suit, a beach towel, and the latest edition of Better Homes and Gardens pokes out the top.
“Are you girls still okay with Mission Bay? Or did you want to go to a different beach?”
She shakes her head. “It’s fine.” She swipes her finger along the touchpad on my dash to change the music before adding, “Lauren said her mom can pick her up around six.”
“Okay.”
“Would it be okay if I spent the night at her house?”
“You’re going over again?”
She nods, looking up to face me. “We’re watching Clueless and She’s All That tonight.”
I smirk. “You know, when I try to get you to watch those movies with me, you always say no.”
She pouts and her already round eyes turn into giant saucers. “I promise I’ll watch one with you before I leave for camp.”
There’s nothing like a true set of puppy eyes, mastered through years and years of practice, to get a pushover mom like me to say yes. “Fine,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“Dad’s still dropping me off at camp next week, right?” she asks. “He’s been really busy. Is he even going to have time?”
“He’s a little busy, but I’ll make sure he’ll be there to pick you up on Thursday.”
“How long is he going to stay at Uncle Javi’s? I didn’t know home renovations needed this much attention.”
We—or, Leo—used the lie that his brother, Javier, had home renovations to take care of in his new house up in San Clemente and required the desperate help of Leo. While it wasn’t necessarily a lie since Javi’s fixer-upper required a lot of fixing and Leo has some experience handling most of the revamping to our home, it’s enough to fend off Sadie’s curiosity. That plus the added advantage that teenage girls have the tendency to make the world revolve around themselves and Leo’s already glaring work-related absences that she and I’ve grown accustomed to over the years, it’s made the beginning stages of this separation less stressful on my end.
“I think maybe another month or so,” I answer after a long pause of silence. One that I try to hide by peering at road signs and streets I’ve driven through a hundred times.
I finally pull into my parents’ driveway. Their cars are parked inside the garage, but I notice a fancy BMW parked in the empty spot next to me. I peer inside, hoping to find any clues to who the car belongs to as I walk up the walkway to their house. I ring the doorbell with Sadie trailing behind me, and I’m honestly impressed with the level of dexterity she has balancing the tray of coffee she’d been holding on her lap the whole time while tapping out a very rapid text message. I’m holding the pink box of donuts in my hand and when the door opens, the last person I expect to see is standing on the other side.
“Hi, Teeny.”
There’s a long pause where I’m just standing there, speechless and gawking. I blink multiple times, hoping if I do it enough times, what I’m seeing right in front of my eyes will just disappear like some illusory magic trick. Over and over again, while I try to understand why Everett is answering my parents’ door.
Sadie peers up between Everett and me, a confused furrow forming between her brows.
“Sadie. This is Uncle Josh’s friend, Everett,” I finally say after we’ve stood there in this long embarrassingly unpleasant pause of silence.
The corners of Sadie’s mouth turn up in a forced smile, and she swipes her phone occupied palm in the air, giving him an awkward wave. “Nice to meet you.”
“You too.” He answers her calmly, a tone of authority plaited into those two simple words. I don’t understand how he looks so cool and collected while I look like a frazzled mess with bags under my eyes and my tattered jeans I purposely wore to spend a day elbow deep in dirt and my knees rooted in grass stains and soil.
Sadie tucks her head down and angles her body sideways to fit through the door with Everett taking up more than half of the doorway. When she’s out of earshot, most likely beelining for the kitchen where my mom always keeps cold stashes of Yakult in her fridge, I falter under Everett’s observant gaze. “Is that your daughter?”
I nod. I shift the donuts in my hand, and Everett’s eyes focus on my left hand, right where my wedding ring glints even under the shaded awning above my parents’ entryway.
“She has your eyes.”
I don’t nod this time. Instead, my eyes narrow, unsure how to interpret his observation. Is he just trying to make conversation? Or is there some weird underlying meaning behind his comment that my daughter inherited some of my looks?
“You’re a mom now,” he adds. There’s a tenderness to his voice, and it makes something warm leak into the rigid anger spreading through my body, making it malleable and soft. He pauses before adding, “Motherhood looks good on you.” Another pause. “But, you know, everything has always looked good on you.”
A blazing fury starts to kindle inside my chest, and I feel like my fingers are tingling. Whatever crack in my anger that made my heart give in to his words is immediately filled with the remains of my resentment.
“Even heartbreak?” It wasn’t the first set of words I wanted to say to him, but it spewed out of me. What the fuck does he mean?
He sighs, and a line between his brow fissures, something that wasn’t there before. Something new yet old and weathered, showing how twenty years isn’t a short amount of time. “Teeny,” he protests.
“Excuse me.” I briskly pass him, walking to the kitchen. Sure enough, Sadie is standing at the far end of the island, the side closest to the refrigerator, with a small empty Yakult bottle sitting in front of her and a fresh one in her hand. I slide the box of donuts toward her, to which she silently opens and takes the twisted glaze sitting on top.
“Mom! We’re here!” I call, setting my purse down on the kitchen counter along with my keys and the remains of my reason as I try to grapple with the fact that my ex-boyfriend is in my parents’ house.
“Good morning,” my mom sings just as she enters the kitchen. She glides toward Sadie with open arms and pulls her into her bosom, nuzzling her cheek into the top of my daughter’s head. Sadie responds with a firm embrace of her own.
“Hi, Grandma.”
“Hi, my baby.” She pulls away and squishes Sadie’s cheeks between her hands. “Thank you for coming today.”
“Of course,” Sadie answers. While at fourteen years old, Sadie’s main concerns are getting a second lobe piercing, an all-expense paid shopping trip at Sephora, and apparently diving into a 2000s nostalgic time capsule, my mom is one of the only people who can pull her out of her own world. Those two are peas in a very tight pod. “Can we have some mandu for lunch?” Sadie pleads, her eyes shimmering with a pout.
“Yes!” my mom shrieks. “I just went to the Korean store and got some the other day.”
Sadie beams, and I swear I’ve completely disappeared from her periphery. “Is Dad here?” I ask, smiling at the two of them.
My mom turns to me, finally acknowledging the person who brought Sadie into the world. “He’s coming right down.” Her eyes flash to the coffee on the counter. “You brought coffee,” she says, reaching for it. “Just what I needed.”
“And donuts.” I poke a finger toward the pink box sitting in front of Sadie.
Everett stalks into the kitchen and eyes me. I’d almost forgotten he was here. Almost.
“The Amazon guy just dropped this off,” he announces, placing a small package envelope in front of my mom.
“Oh, thank you,” my mom says sweetly. “Have some donuts while you wait for Josh to get here. Everett can have a coffee, right?” she asks, turning to face me.
“Actually, one was for Dad.”
“He doesn’t need it.” She slides the coffee toward Everett and scoots a few packages of sugar and cream in his direction as well.
“Thank you,” he says to me in a low voice.
“I didn’t get it for you, so?—”
“Teeny,” my mom chastises. “Don’t be rude.” I roll my eyes as my mom asks Everett, “Have you gone to your old house next door?”
“No I haven’t,” he says, cupping his hand to the back of his neck. Something somber and nostalgic flashes through his eyes. “I didn’t want to bother some strangers just to check out the place.”
“Nonsense,” my mom responds, waving a hand in his direction. “Mr. Tran is really nice. He’d let you check it out. I’m sure your mom would love to hear about how different it all looks now. I’ll walk over with you and introduce you.”
Everett smiles politely and nods. “Thanks, Mrs. Cohen.”
“How are your parents?” My mom reaches into the fridge for another Yakult as Sadie finishes her second one. I throw a wary look in her direction, warning her that that’s enough sugar. Of course, my mom ignores it.
“She’s doing well,” he answers, his eyes watching me. “She remarried five years ago and moved to Seattle. My dad’s still up in Sacramento.”
My mom smiles a genuine smile. “Oh, that’s nice.” She takes a quick sip of her coffee before adding, “Tell them we said hi.”
“I will.”
There’s a short moment of silence, bits and pieces of my past left unsaid while my mom presents herself with politeness for an old friend she’s lost touch with. She fills the awkwardness by busying herself with the package in her hand, ripping it open and peering inside. “That’s what this is.” She looks up at me. “Your dad’s been waiting on these cable ties. I’ll be right back.”
My mom leaves, disappearing up the stairs with Sadie close at her heels, ripping open the foil seal on her drink.
“I want to say hi to Grandpa!” Sadie exclaims, the third person in that little pod she and my mom share.
And it’s only Everett and me in the kitchen.
“Teeny—”
“Look,” I say sharply, interrupting him. “I get that you’re here for my brother’s wedding. I can’t change that but please, can we get through this without doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“Acting like we can be civil with each other.”
“We can’t?”
I scoff. “Everett, we can. With a lot of effort, we can. But I really don’t want to. And I think if we just avoid each other, it’ll make things easier. I really?—”
“Then don’t.”
I scowl at him. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t be civil with me.”
My scowl deepens, and I almost want to take him up on his offer. Maybe swing the big frying pan sitting on the stove into the side of his head. Or grab the hot coffee from his hand and splash it all over his perfectly pressed polo shirt and chinos.
Our silent staring contest filled with animosity on my end and sincerity on his is interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and closing. It’s followed by the annoying jangling of keys and Josh’s bright voice.
“Everett, you’re already here.” I throw a quick glare at him. Traitor .
Everett turns to face him with a carefree smile. “Yeah, I thought I’d come by a little early and say hi to your parents.”
“You got your clubs in the car?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t bring them down, so I’ll probably rent some at the country club,” he says, his eyes back on me.
Josh nods at the same time the front door opens again. It’s starting to feel crowded in my mom’s relatively small kitchen. Like the barely comfortable distance between me and Everett is becoming smaller and smaller with the growing scrutiny that may or may not be there.
Mina rounds the corner, an adorable set of overalls swallowing her small frame along with a large straw hat and thick-rimmed sunglasses. “Hey!” she exclaims when she sees me. “I didn’t know you were going to be here today too.”
I nod. “Looks like Mom’s recruited quite the workforce.” I peer outside at the beaming sun, showing the increasing temperatures in the mid-nineties by late morning. “Probably too late to enforce labor laws.”
“Aw, Mom’s first little labor unit,” Josh comments with a teasing smirk.
Everett coughs a laugh mid-sip, and my deadpanned look transitions into a death stare with narrowed eyes and a clenched jaw.
“Dad!” Josh calls in the direction of the stairway. “We gotta go!”
A muffled “I’ll be right down” echoes down from the second floor and the room falls silent.
“So, how’s the hotel? You get checked in okay?”
Everett tears his gaze away from me, and I feel like I can finally breathe. I start to fiddle with the tiny coffee stirrer in my cup and busy myself with tucking away the donuts in a corner next to the sink.
“Yeah. It’s not too far from here so that’s pretty convenient.”
“You really didn’t have to come down here this far ahead of the wedding,” Josh adds.
“I had some things I wanted to take care of anyway,” Everett answers. He glances again in my direction, and I almost want to jerk my head in his direction with my hands extended out in front of me like I’m challenging him to a rumble. Why does he keep looking at me?
Luckily, I don’t have a chance to throw a silent non-verbal threat at him because my dad bounces into the kitchen. He’s wearing his plaid golfing pants and a soft yellow polo shirt with a beaming smile on his face. Golf days are Dad’s favorite. Nothing gets him excited like a day at the driving range with only the lush grass and eighteen holes in front of him.
“I’m ready,” he announces, reaching past me for a donut. “Good morning, Teeny Weenie.”
“Hi, Daddy.”
“You brought the donuts?” he asks, already stuffing half a maple bar into his mouth.
I nod. “I brought you coffee too, but Mom gave it away.”
He frowns in mock disapproval. “How dare she.”
“I tried to warn her.”
“She’s just showing Sadie some smocks to wear while you girls work out in the garden today.” My dad finishes the last bit of his donut like he hasn’t eaten in weeks and turns to my brother. “You kids ready to go?”
“Yep,” Josh answers. “James and Andrew are meeting us there.”
My dad reaches for yet another donut and winks at me. “Don’t tell your mom.”
I smile at him as he walks away. Josh stoops down to kiss Mina, and Everett glances in my direction.
“See ya, Teeny,” he throws over his shoulder as the two follow my dad.
I don’t answer or even look in his direction. Instead, I take a long soothing sip of my coffee while keeping my gaze on the flimsy plastic lid. My phone just buzzes in my purse. When I set my coffee down and reach for it, I’m greeted with the one name that could lighten my mood after a morning of it being soured by my past literally opening a door I didn’t want to be opened.
“Hi, Grace,” I breathe into the phone, letting a whoosh of air expel out of me like a sigh of relief. I saunter toward the living room for some privacy and catch Everett settling himself into the driver’s seat of the BMW I now know is his, and something in my heart squeezes, causing it to twinge and ache.
“Hey, Teeny. What are you up to today?”
“I promised my mom I would help her plant some begonias in the backyard so I will be up to my tits in dirt and back pain until about one. What about you?” I peer in the direction of the hallway to check if my mom or Sadie have made their way downstairs, wary of my verbiage in the same living room I used to open Christmas presents in.
“A little bored, and I think Buster wants to get out of the house. He keeps eyeing his leash and giving me those puppy eyes.” I hear a low whimper from the other end of the line.
“Well, I’m taking Sadie and her friend to the beach after this, wanna join us?”
A loud bark interrupts our conversation. “Oops, you said the magic word.”
“Beach?”
“Sadie.” Another loud bark.
A calming grin has fully replaced the irate scowl on my face, and I realize this is the perfect remedy for that continuous spasm making my chest feel somehow hollow and heavy at the same time. “I’ll call you when I leave here.”