24. Everett
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Everett
NOW
I never thought about having kids. It didn’t feel like something that was meant for me, and I never really met anyone I could picture that life with. Weekend trips to the aquarium, after-school pickups, coaching the local youth basketball league, having make-believe tea parties in a room decorated in glitter and purple.
If the possibility of that life ever scraped my mind, it would’ve only been with one person.
Teeny was pregnant. With my child. And whatever path she chose for her future, that baby wasn’t a part of it. And neither was I. Not because she had a choice in the matter, but because I chose for her. I left and never came back. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to prove to Teeny that I should’ve been there, that I should’ve known, it won’t change the fact that the trajectory of my life changed the moment I left.
What if I was meant to be a father? Even at seventeen with nothing but our love for each other to fuel the rest of our lives.
I’m not usually a “what if” type of thinker. I make decisions based on reasonability and the likelihood of an advantageous outcome. I don’t tend to look back and second guess my decisions, wondering if I had chosen a different path, would it have led to a more favorable result. It’s gotten me this far in life, and to be completely honest, I’ve gotten pretty far.
Except with Teeny. I’ve spent the last twenty years wondering what if with her. What if I came back? Without my parents or the issues that tied me to them, but on my own. What if I realized sooner that I needed Teeny in my life? Instead of working through the heaviness of my anxiety on my own, those panic attacks, the long drawn out therapy sessions making me wonder what the fuck was wrong with me, all of it taking years and years for me to finally realize that I just needed the only person in the world who could ground me. I spent the last twenty years skimming the surface, hoping something would finally bring me back to a place where I felt solid. Where I felt like I could function without feeling like I was going to catapult into space and never find my footing.
All of those what ifs crashed into me the second Josh called me. His voice, full of nostalgia and genuine happiness for our reconnection, tethered me to something. He pulled me in until I finally found Teeny again. Now that I’m here, I don’t care about all the what ifs. All I want is for Teeny to be back in my life.
My phone rings on my bed, right on top of the goose-down covers rumpled from a restless night’s sleep, jolting me back to my hotel room.
“Hello?” I answer, recognizing the number from my old office back in Seattle.
“Everett,” I hear on the other end, the deep voice cautious yet somehow impatient and stern even with just the sound of my name. It’s Victor Storm, the executive chairman at InnoDex. A.k.a. the board of directors’s head honcho. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” I answer. While his name may sound like a fictional superhero, he’s anything but a child’s comic book character come to life. In fact, I don’t think he’s ever even flipped through a comic book or gone to see the latest Marvel movie with his commitment to his work. He has a no-nonsense attitude about a lot of things and is persuasive and direct in the boardroom, making me that much more wary about this call.
“Good.”
“Victor,” I say cordially, regarding him with an air of modesty. “Unless you’re calling to borrow my place in Lake Tahoe again, I believe we’ve already said everything we need to say to each other.”
He offers a good-natured chuckle, letting some of that heedfulness dissipate in me. “Just hoping I could change your mind.”
I shake my head. “I’ve already made my decision,” I tell him for what feels like the hundredth time.
“I understand,” he answers, his voice still hopeful. “But we still haven’t filled your position. And replacing you is no easy task.”
“I’m sure you’ll manage.”
“Yes,” he agrees. “I’m sure we will. But?—”
“I need to take some time to figure things out,” I tell him, hoping it’s enough of an explanation as to why I decided to leave after six years with the company with practically zero notice, citing “personal reasons” in my resignation letter. As bittersweet as our conversations are, and while I appreciate the sentiment of his calls, it makes the words difficult to say each time I have to decline his offer.
“Well, don’t expect us to give up just yet. I’ll call you again soon.”
“Maybe give it an extra week next time. Give me some time to miss your voice.”
He chuckles again before hanging up.
It wasn’t a decision I made very soundly. In fact, it happened overnight. After Josh called, we chatted for hours. Catching each other up on the last twenty years. Like my dad’s retirement four years ago after he took a coaching job in Florida. Or that he’d met the love of his life and wanted me to be a part of their special day. I tried to stay composed when he brushed over the details that involved his family. Like that Andrew, the perpetual baby of the family, is still spending his days partying like he’s some frat boy. Or that his nieces are the stars of the family, something he hopes to add to in the near future. And then there was Teeny. Teeny who’d become a wife and mother. Who moved on and had the life I repeatedly thought about over the years. Come to find out, it could’ve all happened with me.
It was a rash move, but after all this time, all I could think about was going back home. And when I approached the board of directors at InnoDex, I was surprised at how naturally the words came out of my mouth. It might have been the coincidence of Eric, a fellow UC Davis alumni, reaching out to me a month prior, asking me about property management and hospitality experience, and whether or not I had any interest in investing in said property. Or even the idea of going back to a place that held too many memories. But deep down, I knew it was for Teeny. Just the idea of seeing her, even though she was happily married. Or so I thought.
And now, here I am, the day before Josh and Mina’s wedding, ready to begin the festivities with their rehearsal dinner. It isn’t long until I’m dressed and ready, walking through the lobby of El Cielo and to the outdoor patio offside to the pool. There’s an expansive view of the ocean, the string lights above the strategically placed tables fighting against the setting sun and floral arrangements that make the space look like its own secret garden.
When Mina and Josh were looking into local restaurants to hold a casual rehearsal dinner, just close friends and family, mostly members of the wedding party, I offered the hotel. I told them I’d handle the details, the food and drinks and set up. As a wedding gift, and in part, to thank Josh for bringing me back, though he doesn’t know how heavily he contributed to that minor detail.
When I step outside, I see most of the hired staff still setting up. Placing wineglasses on the tables, arranging the last of the floral centerpieces, setting up the bar area near the pool. And in the corner of the outdoor area, near the lounge chairs and patio heaters, I see Teeny. Her back is to me, facing the ocean ahead of her, and her hand is wrapped over her shoulder as the breeze picks up her hair. She doesn’t hear me approach her, so I’m careful with my steps, making sure I don’t startle her, but she knows I’m here anyway.
“It was a girl.” Her voice is so quiet and low, I barely understand what she’s saying. Until she turns to me with a smile so sad, it’s nearly void of life. “I wasn’t supposed to know because it was so early and…but the tech was there with her up on that little screen, and she asked me if I wanted to know. She wasn’t even a hundred percent sure, but she started pointing things out and?—
“I almost changed my mind,” she continues. “Thought about calling you or even doing it on my own. But then I couldn’t. And I spent the last twenty years hating you because of it. Because I couldn’t call you and tell you. Because I had to go through all of it on my own. Because I loved you so much and you—” Her words are cut off by a soft sob. I want to hold her, run my hand over the curves of her back, and tell her how sorry I am. But my body’s frozen. The guilt of hurting Teeny starts to wind down my body, keeping my feet planted, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this, how to make things right with the woman I love. “I don’t know how to trust you again. I don’t even know if I should, but I feel like…I want to.”
I reach out to her, hoping to soothe some of this ache. But she recoils. It’s subtle in the way her shoulders lean back and her arm crosses her chest. I know this isn’t an opening to comfort her. It’s simply my time to hear what I’ve done.
She lightly dabs a fingertip to the corner of her eye and looks at me. “They’re going to be here soon,” she says hoarsely.
I nod and turn to walk away, but Teeny surprises me when she touches me. Her fingertips sweep across my jaw, cupping it gently. She doesn’t say anything but just looks at me with the same smile I’ve memorized. The one with the small dip in the middle and the corners pointing up like little spears. And those teeth that press lightly into the fullness of her bottom lip. I can’t believe this is the same woman I fell in love with twenty years ago. The same woman I haven’t stopped loving.
My hand reaches for hers, my thumb running over her wrist where I feel the murmur of her pulse. It’s steady and calm, just like her eyes looking at me with so much pain and hope. And I realize then that I can’t give up. Not now.
I turn my head to kiss the inside of her palm just as we’re interrupted by the clatter of footsteps and excited voices. We step apart from each other at the same time.
“Everett!” I hear Josh’s stunned voice call my name. “Are you kidding me?” He has his hands outstretched in front of him and Mina at his side, her mouth open in shock as she takes in the scene.
“I can’t believe you did all this,” Mina says with a grateful smile. She reaches Teeny, giving her a quick squeeze. “Where’s Sadie?”
“She’s coming with James and Kendall,” Teeny tells her. “I came a little early to check on some things here.”
“This is amazing,” Josh adds, facing the ocean view. “Thank you, Everett.” He shakes my hand, patting a hand on my shoulder.
I nod a simple acknowledgment for his gratitude. “You guys want a drink?” I look to the bar, an attendant waiting patiently behind a neat row of bottles. We walk over as a group and I order a round, opting for the Patrón as Josh and Mina nod in approval. “To start off the celebrations,” I tell them, distributing a round of shot glasses filled to the brim.
Teeny takes one, looking at me with a contradictory smile, marked with a small smirk and disapproving shake of her head. “What did I say about hard liquor?”
“Come on, Teeny,” Josh interjects. “I’m getting married.”
A small eye roll and Teeny raises her glass in the air, joining us.
“Cheers to…the married life,” I say, smiling fondly between Mina and Josh.
Josh clinks his glass to mine. “And to old friends.”
“To old friends.” I tilt my glass back, keeping my eyes on Teeny as she takes a grimacing gulp. “You good?” I ask with a laugh.
She nods, though the sour contortion on her face says otherwise. She throws her hand in my direction, her thumb and pointer finger making a little circle with an a-okay sign. “Superb.”
More people start to enter the space, the rest of the wedding party and friends and family members. James enters with his wife and Sadie following close behind, a baby attached to her hip. They join us, James ordering two glasses of wine for him and his wife. Sadie reaches Teeny’s side where she takes the baby from her with absolute glee.
“This is Sophia,” she tells me, running the back of her index finger on the baby’s bulbous cheek. She places a soft kiss at the side of Sophia’s head, and my heart flip flops at the sight of Teeny with the baby. Her motherly instincts adjusting the adorably small yellow dress while smoothing the fine strands of her hair away from her face.
“Hi,” I say sweetly, waving a hand in front of her. Sophia reaches for my thumb, firmly gripping it in her fist, and she starts to bring it to her mouth.
“Oh!” Teeny exclaims happily, prying Sophia’s death grip away from my hand. “You want to hold her?”
I hesitate. “I don’t think I’ve ever held a baby before.”
“It’s okay,” Teeny encourages. “I’ll make sure you won’t drop her.”
“Jesus, I was worried she’ll start crying. Now I gotta worry I might drop her?”
She giggles just as Sophia extends her hands toward me, her chubby fingers pointed in my direction. “There’s no going back now.”
I take baby Sophia, letting her bottom rest firmly on the crook of my arm. She plays with the lapel of my suit jacket, her focus on the hemmed edges like she’s examining it for defects, and without any warning, she rests her head on my shoulder, patting a hand at my chest. Teeny watches me, placing her hand on Sophia’s back with wonder at how easily I slipped into the role as an expert baby carrier. “See? Total natural.”
Teeny looks at me, and I know we’re thinking the same thing. How this could’ve been us at one point. With a little girl of our own. One who would’ve had her eyes and smile, and hopefully something of mine. Like my attachment to her mother.
“We should take our seats,” she whispers, her head dipped low, watching baby Sophia slowly doze off in my arms.
Teeny walks to the tables, and I follow, moving about carefully while balancing the baby in my arms. James and his wife have already found seats, Sadie staying close by, and Teeny finds her own seat at the same time.
“It looks like Sophia found a new friend,” James’s wife comments, the two watching as I sway side to side to avoid waking Sophia up. “Do you need me to take her?” she offers.
“I’m good.”
A cool breeze picks up, and she reaches for a blanket, walking toward me and draping it over Sophia’s shoulders. She shifts, almost waking while I hold the blanket against her so it doesn’t blow away.
“I’m Kendall, by the way,” she says quietly as to not wake the baby. “You must be Everett.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Let me know if you get tired,” she adds. “She might be small, but twenty pounds can get heavy really fast.”
“I will,” I say with a chuckle. “Thank you.”
Kendall looks at James with a small slump of relief and a satisfied smile, but James doesn’t reciprocate. Instead, he looks at me, a wary look of uncertainty and mistrust on his face. I don’t know how to say sorry to him without saying sorry. For hurting someone he cares about while taking the entire brunt of the situation I put Teeny in. He saw every detail unraveling in real time. Every tear, every cry I didn’t answer.
Dinner moves along. Sophia wakes up and cries for her mom, and my hands are free. I sit around a table that consists mainly of the wedding party. Teeny sits across from me, Sadie close by her side as she makes periodic attempts to gain Sophia’s attention perched on Kendall’s lap.
“In case I haven’t said it yet,” Josh announces to the table over slices of strawberry cheesecake and chocolate lava cake distributed among the crowd. “Everett put this whole dinner together. So we should all thank him.”
He’s actually said this multiple times, attributing the success of tonight’s dinner to my connections to the hotel, and it makes me rather timorous with all of the attention on me.
“Please,” I protest, shaking my head with a grateful smile. “It’s really not a big deal.”
Josh stands, clinking his spoon against the glass tumbler in his hand to get everyone else’s attention. The low rumble of chatter stops, every pair of eyes on the groom.
“I just wanted to take a moment to thank you all for coming tonight,” he says, his voice echoing off the side of the building. “A lot of people don’t know the story about how I proposed to Mina, and I guess now’s the best time to tell everyone how it went down.
“Mina turned me down.”
Laughter fills the air at the same time Mina takes Josh’s hand and places a comforting kiss on the back of his hand.
“She told me, ‘Ask me again when you mean it.’ I guess asking in a spur of the moment while we were covered in strawberry smoothies after a mishap with my blender didn’t help. But the thing that Mina didn’t know was, I knew I wanted to marry her by our second date. We were sharing a hazelnut waffle at Marie’s, and I noticed how she saved the last piece for me. And she listened to all of my basketball stories like I was talking to her about Ryan Gosling.”
Another round of laughter.
“Ryan doesn’t hold a candle to you, baby,” she coos in his direction.
“Say that again when you’re watching La La Land .” He lets the laughter die down before adding, “Mina is my soulmate in every way possible. I would choose her in every lifetime, and I can’t wait to live the rest of this one so we can continue on in the next.” Josh raises his glass at the same time as everyone else, and Mina stands to kiss him. A round of claps and cheers fill the air, and I catch Teeny’s eyes from across the table.
It suddenly feels like this is the next lifetime Josh was talking about. After having failed so miserably at the first, I’ve landed right in front of this one. This second lifetime where I learned from my mistakes. One where I choose Teeny over and over again, and we get to see this play out between us. And I can’t even begin to imagine a lifetime where I don’t choose Teeny.
* * *
“I can’t believe I never thought to learn how to tie a bow tie.”
I chuckle, my focus zoned in on Josh’s Adam’s apple where I’m working the knot through the loop to make sure it’s even and secure. “I don’t think very many people know how to tie a bow tie.”
“You do,” Josh points out.
“Yeah, well, I’ve been to my fair share of events and shit, so.” He scoffs just as I finish adjusting the ends of the bow tie and give his shoulder a pat. “Look at that. Now you look like you belong on the top of a cake.”
“Thanks.”
He turns, looking at the mirror placed strategically so we’re sitting under the perfect lighting for this time of day. Just outside the window veiled with sheer curtains, lies the expansive view of the coastal vineyard where Josh and Mina are having their wedding. Myself, Josh, James, and Andrew have been confined to this room until we’re given the go-ahead for the ceremony, and with the antsiness of the bride and groom’s big day, we’re all eager to get things going.
“You ready?” I ask, smoothing a hand over my jacket to dust off any residual dust after running a lint roller over pressed lapels.
“Yep.” Josh leads the way, all of us following at his heels as he exits the room and maneuvers down hallways to the foyer leading outside.
We’re ushered to a canopy set up for the wedding party where we get a glimpse of the guests waiting patiently for the ceremony to begin. I have no idea where Teeny is, though she’s most likely with Mina and the rest of the bridesmaids. And even though she has her own duties as a member of the wedding party, I can’t help but search for her, hoping to get a glimpse of her before we stand on either side of the altar.
Before I can track her down, the processional music starts. It begins with the brighter chords of a violin, followed by the lower tenor of a cello. We step out, following Josh with his mom’s arm hooked through the crook of his right arm with his dad matching his steps to his left. I trail last with Andrew and James ahead of me, and we’re finally waiting for the rest of the wedding party to enter.
I know the star of the evening is the bride. With her extravagant dress and meticulously planned out hair and makeup, it’s a title every bride deserves. But right now, all I can think of is Teeny. She steps out behind the rest of the bridesmaids in her stunning green dress, and she looks achingly beautiful. She smiles at someone in the crowd, adding a small wave of recognition, and something tugs at my chest. It feels like my past. Like a thread where one end started twenty years ago and the other end is wrapped around my heart, reminding me of what we had. The nights spent huddled under the covers in my room, wishing for time to stand still so she wouldn’t have to leave me. The small moments in the hallways or in class where we glanced at each other, like we were exchanging a secret. And all those times I found myself with Teeny holding me down, letting me know I was so much more than the fear and trepidation that bundled my life into what it used to be. I’m not whole without her. I was broken pieces before her, all those fragments being swept along with the barely there will to focus on my future. She put me back together. And I broke us up, making those shattered pieces irreparable. Until now. Somehow, I’m learning how to glue myself back together.
The sounds of the wedding sound muffled, my attention solely focused on Teeny. She stands at the other side of the altar where my view of her is obscured by the ceremony at hand. Next thing I know, Josh is dipping Mina in a dramatic kiss with the cheer and laughter spurring on a longer-than-necessary kiss.
We make our exit out of the ceremony, the bridesmaids and groomsmen linking arms to walk the same path of the aisle, and I realize that I’m paired up with Teeny.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she responds softly. She smiles at me before hooking her hand over my arm, and all I want to do is veer her away from all the people just to get a moment alone with her. I want to ask her about her day, what she had for breakfast, and how she spent her morning getting ready. I want to take her on a long walk along the vineyard, searching for secluded corners where I can just listen to her talk.
We walk while I keep my eyes on her, ignoring the people slowly filing out of the rows of folding chairs, and once we’re at the end of the aisle, it’s a flurry of pictures. We’re guided away from the guests and enticing cocktail hour, toward the scenic area of the vineyard where we spend the next hour posing for pictures.
“You look beautiful,” I whisper to Teeny, my hand gently resting on her lower back as we pose for what feels like the hundredth time.
“Thank you,” she responds, her words coming out through a gritted smile.
I let my thumb smooth over the soft material of her dress, not realizing I’m doing it until it’s already done, and Teeny looks up at me. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”
I smirk. “I tried.”
She smooths her hand over my jacket, adjusting the boutonniere pinned to the lapel, and we look at each other. Our gazes lock and smiles widen, and just as I dip my head to tell her green is definitely her color, we’re interrupted by an overly exaggerated “ahem.” Teeny and I turn our heads to the photographer, who’s giving us an impatient look like that of a parent who’s had to repeat themselves more than once to their child.
“Can the both of you step about half a step to your right?” Her impatient voice matches the awkward tensions surrounding us. I get a few curious glances from Josh and Mina, wondering what the holdup is. And I get another glance, this one much more narrowed and concerned, from James.
Teeny and I follow suit, using the positions of the other bridesmaids and groomsmen as our guide, and discipline ourselves like young children in a classroom: with a lot of effort and small slip-ups of stolen smiles.
This feeling, the covertness of our smiles and whispers, the moments hidden beneath the surface where we think no one can see, feels like we’re kids again. Like we’re sitting in the library, our elbows brushing up against each other and our pencils scribbling notes across a shared table while we talk in voices barely above a whisper.
* * *
I feel high. Off champagne, cake, and life. I feel like I’m floating on a big fluffy cloud, the shimmery glow of candlelight creating a halo effect on everyone. And then there’s Teeny. She has the same glow as everyone, made brighter with her smile and laughter, and she looks like an angel, flitting around like a dream.
I’ve been keeping my distance, though it hasn’t stopped me from catching glimpses of her throughout the night. As she showers Sadie with praise for her performance. As she embraces her family members, her grandparents especially, over glasses of wine and the delicious four-course meal. As she too steals glances at me from across the room with consciously aware looks and shy smiles.
After the three-tier cake has been cut and the wedding music has transitioned into something less raucous and more placid and tender, I find Teeny.
“Could I trouble you for a dance?”
She’d been sharing a laugh with Grace, who she looks at as if requesting permission, which Grace grants with a subtle nod.
“Make sure to have her back by midnight,” she says as Teeny takes my hand.
I smile gratefully at Grace, appreciative of her approval as Teeny’s friend and someone who’ll always have her best interest. “Yes, ma’am.”
Teeny giggles as I lead her to the dance floor. It’s fairly empty, those who’d been involved in a vigorous “Cha Cha Slide” dance now taking a breather, and it feels serene with Teeny’s hand loosely gripped in mine and my hand pressed to her back.
“She must like you,” she says, a smile dancing on her lips. “I thought you’d have to fight her before she let me go.”
“I’m easy to like,” I tell her, ducking my head so my words brush over the shell of her ear.
“Debatable.” I give a small pinch to her waist, and she squirms in my arms. It’s fluid, how she moves with me. How she turns her face at the same time I bring our joined hands to the small space between us. My thumb runs lazy strokes over her wrist, feeling the slow steady thumps of her heartbeat. “You know this is the first time I’ve danced with you.”
“No,” I argue, a rise of perplexity causing my brow to furrow.
She nods, a smug look of incontrovertibility on her face. “Prom wasn’t really what I thought it was going to be.”
My heart falls, realizing all the moments I missed out on because I wasn’t there to be a part of them. “Would it make it any better if I tell you…I had some pretty big plans for your first prom?”
“Did you?” she asks, skepticism written all over her face in the way her brow shoots up and her smile turns cheeky.
“I did.”
“Well, tell me, Hayes. What were these plans?”
“A limo.”
“That’s a good start.”
My forehead meets hers. “Dinner at a fancy restaurant.”
“With dessert? Something of the chocolate variety?”
“Of course.”
Her eyes close and a shallow exhale slips through her lips. “What else?”
“A hotel room,” I add softly, boldly heading into territory that needs to be tread cautiously.
“Yeah?”
“Mh-hmm.”
“That sounds so much better than a night spent in my pajamas with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.”
“You didn’t go?”
She shakes her head. “I couldn’t…”
My hand cups her nape, my thumb moving across her jaw. I start to dip my face at the same time her chin tilts up. But then we realize where we are. Surrounded by her family and friends, watching us as we take a painful stroll down our past.
We continue to sway through the changing songs and the movement of couples dancing around us. We know we should part ways, go back to our respective seats, and sip wine and enjoy the vanilla cake making its way to each table before we start to garner more looks and attention than deemed appropriate, but it’s hard to let go. It’s hard to watch Teeny walk away when all I want to do is whisk her away somewhere quiet. Somewhere we won’t need to think twice about what we want to do.