Chapter 4
EMMA
Did it hurt when she fell? It had to.
The Oakland bridge isn’t very far from our house, and it isn’t heavily trafficked. It’s an older bridge with stone walls on either side instead of a typical railing, and it crosses the shallowest part of the river.
I place my hands on the wet stone wall and pull myself up.
I’ve done this many times before. I sit down, letting my legs hang over the edge, and watch the water rolling over the rocks.
She couldn’t have survived the fall. The water is too shallow.
You’d have to jump perfectly to not hit one of the rocks poking out of the water.
And yet they didn’t find her body. The only logical explanation is her body was carried downstream.
It probably settled down at the bottom of Oakland Lake, but even after scouring every inch, they never found it. To this day, her body hasn’t surfaced.
My lungs constrict and I gasp as I sob, sitting in the rain because I feel like I deserve to be miserable.
I was a horrible sister.
I wasted so much of our time together arguing and being jealous of how perfect she was, but if I could go back, I’d be content to just sit in the corner and watch her study. I’d give anything to be in the same room again. To see her smile.
I’d apologize for the awful things I said to her the last time I saw her.
My chest tightens at the thought of my careless words, and guilt consumes me when I think about how I left her.
I was angry because I felt like Mallory and Dad were ignoring me. I’d found Mom’s address on a legal document I wasn’t supposed to see, and I was determined to find her.
I hadn’t seen her since the day she left, and I was sure she’d be there.
I needed her to be there because every time I tried to reach out to her, I got nothing in return.
It was like she’d vanished from our lives, but I needed her back.
I needed to prove to myself I was good enough for her to love. I was going to beg if I had to.
My whole life I’d been thirsty for her attention because it was so seldom, but the moments that were good overshadowed the bad. They made me want her no matter how bad it hurt to be by her side the rest of the time.
Mallory refused to take me to see Mom. She didn’t even let me talk about it, so the next day I climbed out on the ledge of one of the school windows and stared down at my fellow students, dangling my legs over the ledge two stories above them.
If she wasn’t going to give me the attention I wanted, I knew how to get it.
The second my sister caught sight of me, she was furious and sprinted toward the entrance doors.
She barged into the room, panting and holding herself up by the door.
I spun around and waved.
She ran up and grabbed me by the collar of my blazer. “What’s wrong with you? Are you trying to drive me mad?”
I learned a long time ago that if someone won’t pay attention to me when I’m doing well, I have to make the most of the attention they give me when I act out. So I smiled. “Aren’t you already mad?”
Her jaw clenched, and she swallowed, tucking her lips in. She forced herself not to do or say something rash. She was perfect Mallory, and perfect Mallory wasn’t supposed to lose her temper. “What if something happened to you?”
There was a lump in my throat. One I’d tried to bury since the night before, trying to tear away my fake confidence. “It’s not like you would’ve cared.”
“Oh, shut up. You brat!”
There was a beat of silence, then I said, “You’re the one who won’t take me to see Mom.”
Mallory’s jaw dropped. “Is that what this was about? Are you serious? Why would we go?”
“Because Mom—”
“Mom left us, and she’s never coming back!” Her face flushed and her lip wobbled. “Why can’t you understand that?”
Swords. Knives. Her words cut into me, each one stabbing my heart.
My eyes warmed. “How do you know?”
“I just do, okay?” She shook her head. “You can’t pull stunts like this just because you’re upset. Why do you think Mom—” She stopped herself, and covered her mouth.
“Mom what?” I shoved her because she was ready to say what I already knew: Mom left because of me.
She lowered her eyes and her mouth fell open enough to whisper, “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“No. Finish your sentence!”
She shook her head.
“Fine, if you won’t take me, I’ll call Dad.” I took my phone out of my blazer pocket. “I’ll ask him to take me.”
She ripped the phone out of my hands, holding it out of reach. “Don’t you dare! He has enough to worry about!”
I took a step back. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tears pricked at her eyes. “You always make things worse. He’s busy working!”
“I don’t make things worse.” My head swam and my legs felt like I was too heavy to hold up.
“You were literally hanging outside the window two minutes ago! He doesn’t know what to do with you! Should he send you to boarding school? Should he hire a therapist? Should he hire tutors? We’re all exhausted and sometimes I don’t know why I have to deal with. . .”
“Deal with what?” I bit my lip, trying not to cry. She was my sister. She was supposed to like me, and yet we were like oil and water. We didn’t mix. At least not like we used to.
“You, Emma.” She swallowed, jaw tense when she looked at me. “No wonder Mom left! Do you really think she wants a daughter who’s constantly causing problems?”
My chest heaved and my tears flowed down my cheeks. I wanted to hurt Mallory as badly as she hurt me. “It doesn’t seem like she wants a perfect daughter either.”
She caught her breath and her eyes strained. “Stop! Just stop, Emma! I’m so sick of taking care of you!”
She had no idea what it was like being her sister. To be invisible because everything she did overshadowed me. “Fine,” I said, pushing her away. “I won’t make you suffer anymore.”
I ran out of the classroom.
“Emma, wait!”
I stopped. Heart beating out of my chest, and my stomach in knots.
I turned, glancing at my perfect sister.
The girl who didn’t know what it was like to have to try.
The girl on track to be the next valedictorian.
The girl who was easy for everyone to love.
“Just so you know, I hate you too, Mallory! I hate everything about you! I wish you’d disappear!
” My voice cracked, raw from anger laced with pain.
I didn’t wait for her answer. I didn’t wait to see if my words hurt her or not. I ran out of the school with no phone and no plan. All I knew was I was going to see my mom even if I had to go by myself.
I told Mallory I hated her. That was the last thing I told her. I told her I wanted her to disappear.
And then she did . . .
Tears stream down my face as I stare at the water under the bridge, watching the rain ripple off the surface. I imagine the world is crying with me, feeling her loss as deeply as me. The perpetual torment of the hollow gash she left behind in my life.
I wish I’d told her how I really felt. I loved her, but I didn’t realize how much until she was gone.
I didn’t realize how empty I’d feel once she died.
Sure, we argued, but looking back, she was just trying to fill Mom’s shoes.
She was trying her best to take care of me, and I made it difficult because I was hurting.
Now, I have no one, but maybe that’s what I deserve. I think back to the last thing my mother told me before she left.
“If you wanted me to love you, then you should’ve made it easier.”
She was right, and maybe if I was a better person, a good person, nothing bad would’ve ever happened to us.
I’d have a mother who was happy enough to stay.
Mallory would’ve never had to take on all the responsibility Mom left behind.
I would’ve stopped Myles from ever turning into a monster.
And Dad wouldn’t avoid me because Mallory would still be here.
Thunder roars overhead, shocking me back to reality.
I wipe my face even though it’s drenched again in seconds. I should go home before I make my dad worry. I can almost hear him calling me in the distance.
I pivot to turn on the slick stones, but when I bring my foot up, it slips. My body falls, slamming into the wall. I scream, grabbing at the wall, searching for a good hold, but the stones are too smooth.
The wind howls as if it’s screaming my name.
My eyes widen as my wet fingers slip off the rocks, and I’m falling.
I’m. Falling.
My stomach lurches into my throat as my piercing scream cracks the air moments before it’s muffled.
I hit the water, chills rushing through my body like a thousand little needles. The water is somehow much deeper than expected and I sink like an anchor into the dark river. Deeper than should be possible, as if the rocks have disappeared. Above me the light from the street blurs on the surface.
My body forgets how to move and I’m pulled deeper into this darkness. There should be rocks, and I should’ve hit the riverbed by now, but it seems the river is bottomless.
I stay suspended for what feels like eternity before my adrenaline kicks in, and I frantically wave my arms and kick my legs. I cup my hands, stroking the water.
My lungs burn from the lack of oxygen, and my ears ring.
I propel myself up, gasping for air when my head emerges. Water splashes against my face as I stare up at the bridge I just fell from in the distance.
I don’t understand how I’m okay. I spit out the water in my mouth and swim until I can reach the rocky floor, dragging myself out of the river.
I collapse onto the rocky shore, panting.
How am I okay when Mallory isn’t? We fell off the same bridge.
This is wrong. I have to be dreaming or imagining things, but I can’t think straight. Adrenaline rushes through me as I stare back at the spot I fell. The rocks are back.
My head pounds and I can’t catch my breath.
I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, everything slightly blurry, but I force myself to get up. I need to get away from here.