Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Lilly
Tonight was my first night back in the crystal ball and it was the first night that I danced and I felt like I was giving a performance.
It didn’t escape me that tonight I was dressed in a strapless A line gown that wasn’t see through and I wore panties underneath instead of the binding Tatiana was supposed to wrap me in.
She said Christian wanted me in this tonight and showed me my new wardrobe. The note she handed me from him said; ‘nobody gets to see that body of yours but me.’
I figured as much when I read it. Because I was wearing something similar to what I’m used to it really did take me back to performances of the past.
I wanted to see him straight after and because I didn’t need to change I thought I’d go see him in his lounge and catch him there before he came down to the dressing rooms to meet me.
Foolishly I smiled and walked with a bounce in my step. My steps however slowed when I looked across and saw him talking to that woman from weeks ago, Megan.
I stop in my tracks and watch them from across the way.
She’s topless again and she has her hands on his chest. I’m too far away to hear what she’s saying to him but I can guess. There are only a few things a topless woman can say to a man, add the fact that I heard what she said to him a few weeks back and it’s difficult that she wants sex.
He was with her before. She made it sound that way when I last heard them.
Back then he told her some other time. what is he saying now?
When he smiles something in me breaks and reality peeks it’s ugly head.
I am too far away to hear what they’re saying but that’s Christian Giordano, the last bachelor left at the Dark Odyssey. Eligible and sexy as hell. Desired and highly wanted by every woman who looks at him.
What did I say to Louise when she told me every woman was after him? I said it wouldn’t be a problem.
Look at me now.
He’s smiling and the woman walked away. There’s every chance he did say maybe some other time and why wouldn’t he?
He’s not in a relationship. Definitely not in a relationship with me.
This no strings arrangement will end soon and like he said we’ll walk away and it would be like we never happened. because he’s not mine.
He never was.
I don’t know what I was thinking. The lines of what we were and weren’t blended into one and I couldn’t see for shit when it came to reality because I allowed myself to fall for him.
I make my way downstairs to the dressing room and ten minutes later he comes to get me.
“Hey, ready to go Angel?” he says when he sees me.
“Yeah,” I answer with the best smile I can muster and grab my bag.
He takes it from me and shakes his head. “I’ll carry this. You just got back.”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”
He looks at me, narrows his eyes and catches my face. “You okay? Was tonight too much?”
“No, I’m fine,” I lie and I think he knows it for a lie but since there’s nothing left for him to guess he doesn’t press.
“Come let’s go home,” he says leaning forward to kiss me.
I kiss him and I take the first step to unravelling what I feel for him.
We drive back to his place, we fall in bed and have sex for most of the night and I try the same. It’s harder by morning because I’ve had time to think about it and I realize staying here isn’t going to work.
If we’re going to stick to this no strings shit then it’s best for me to leave. it’s best for me to even walk away from the money because heartache for not just me but Rosie too would be worse.
I can heal but it’s unfair to do that to a child. This is the fourth week that we would have been with him.
As he makes breakfast I know he can tell something’s up with me. He made us pancakes and Rosie loved them.
He waits until she finishes eating before he clears his throat and looks like he’s gearing up to say something.
“Rosie, principessa do why don’t you go give your babies their breakfast. I need to talk to Mama for a second,” Christian says to her.
“Okay,” Rosie says and proceeds to gather up some fruit on a plate.
She saunters away moments later and he turns on me the moment the door closes.
“What is the matter with you?” he asks rolling up the sleeves to his shirt. He’s dressed for work, but rolling his sleeves up in that habitual manner automatically switches him into a serious, demanding mode that requires an answer to his question.
An answer I have to give.
“I was thinking Rosie and I should start looking for places,” I answer.
My chest tightens when he balls his fists. “What? Why?”
“Because we’re supposed to. We should. The exhibition will be over in a few weeks so we should start looking Christian. It’s going to be harder to find a place nearer Christmas so it’s best.”
He stares back at me, like he’s trying to figure out what to do with me.
“Best? Why would it be best? What’s happened for you to say this shit to me?”
“It’s not shit,” I lash back standing up. He stands too. “Remember no strings attached. We have one month. The show finishes and so do we. I was never supposed to be here. It’s easier if we start looking now. Easy for me and Rosie. I don’t want her to be sad to leave.”
“So leaving sooner rather than later will be easier? That makes no sense Lilly. How does it?” he raises his voice.
“It’s easier for me,” I answer not meaning to confess such a thing and expose myself to my mistake.
Now that I have, however, the truth is out.
“It will be easier for me to leave soon that way than when it’s over.
I know it’s over and I can walk away. living here makes it harder. It will make it harder.”
He knows what I’m saying is right and I’m noticing the silence in the space between us. Throughout this whole time it was just once that I felt I reached him, but I gave myself to him every single time.
Either he held back, shut me down and out, or he feels nothing but pity for me.
“I never expected you to just leave,” he finally says.
“What did you expect, us to just stay here indefinitely until you decide you’re done with me or shit like that and ask me to leave. This isn’t a relationship. You aren’t mine and I’m not yours. It’s money.”
“It’s not fucking money! You fucking know that,” he snarls shocking me.
“What is it then? What is this thing? What are we to you? Christian I’m a mother. I can’t just play around not knowing what I’m doing.”
“So you think it’s best to push me into telling you what I feel for you? No. That’s not happening. It’s like you’re giving me some ultimatum.”
“I’m not. Christian you know I’m right. This was your idea. You were the one that said we’d walk away. I just told you it would be hard for me.”
“Lilly… if you want to move, go ahead.”
He says and walks out. As the front door slams it feels like a rug just pulled from beneath me.
I can’t even cry.
* * *
Christian’s not at the club tonight and he didn’t come home. I left Rosie with Vera and head out to work. Driving myself in.
I danced and I couldn’t do my usual by getting lost in the music. I danced and twice I missed a step. No one would really know the mistake because they don’t know the routine but I do.
I move in my ball improvising and doing my best not to feel like shit.
This is the same routine as that night weeks ago when I first felt that spark between Christian and me. It was at this point in the music where the ball floated over to him and I never expected to see him because I was nowhere near his lounge.
The violin music starts. It’s a clever insert piece into the techno mix and incorporates the melody from Swan Lake. I know this part by heart. The ball floats over to the balcony and the smoke covers it. The lights go out giving the illusion that I’ve disappeared.
It was at this point when I saw him, when the lights reappeared.
As the glow of light comes back on inch by inch I see a face before me I never expected to see ever again.
The ball is supposed to stay here for a few seconds for this part of the music and I’m supposed to be standing on my toes in a plie, but my knees turn to water when I see Miguel standing on the balcony before me, watching me.
His face breaks out into an open smile when he sees that I see him and I know it’s him.
More importantly, I know he’s not dead.