Chapter 20
Reid
Well, I did just that the next day. I texted Walker.
He didn’t respond for four days. Four fucking days.
And when he did, all he said was, what do you want?
I asked if he was willing to meet for a drink.
After another three days, he finally responded, why?
It only took a few more texts back and forth to get him to agree to meet me out for one singular drink, and he said he had shit to do after, so he couldn’t stay long. I’m not sure if that’s actually true, but I’ll take what I can get.
So now I’m sitting in On Tap in the middle of the day, with Penny behind the bar cleaning glasses, and two older men in the corner playing cards over their coffees.
We needed neutral ground to meet. If this goes south and explodes into an argument, at least there aren’t a lot of people around to witness and leak it to the media.
But having it at either of our houses wouldn’t have been great either.
We need to have equal footing going into this, even if I do feel slightly more at ease with Penny’s presence.
She actually suggested we meet here, and I’m grateful for the suggestion. Even though she’s not a part of this conversation, it’s still nice knowing she’s here. That I have someone in my corner.
Hayden’s out of town on a shoot with Carter, and it’s probably for the best that I tackle this shit one by one. Depending on how this conversation goes today, I’ll figure out what to do with him next.
A whisper of wind tickles the back of my neck, the only indication the door opened.
But I feel his presence like a familiar ghost and I peek over my shoulder.
The solid six-two mass that is my best friend, Whisper Me Nothings’ drummer, James Walker, strides inside.
He’s dressed in all black, like he’s preparing for a funeral, with his sticker tattoos out on full display on both of his arms.
His face is stony and unmoving, even as he sees me. I give him a small nod, beckoning him toward the open barstool to the right of mine where he folds his large frame into it with surprising grace.
“Hey, man,” I say.
“Hey,” he says curtly.
“How’s it going?”
He cracks his knuckles, and is it fucked up that part of me wouldn’t hate if this ended with them in my face again, like the incident two years ago? “It’s going.”
Okay then.
The air is charged, slightly awkward, and enormously heavy as we settle in side by side, shoulder to shoulder. Right next to each other but feeling so far away.
Penny doesn’t even ask us what we want to drink. She’d already offered to me before that she’d break the rules for me today and let us both have whiskey. She’s quick to grab the bottle and pour one for each of us.
“Didn’t see you at Nikolai’s release party.”
He stares straight ahead at the bar. “Had a lot going on.”
There’s always a lot going on, and even though Walker and I have had our issues, one thing I can always say about him is that he’s the kind of guy that shows up. So the fact that he didn’t for Nikolai…
Penny slides our drinks across the counter, both served in a coffee mug. “I’ll leave you two to it,” she says, giving us a small smile. She abandons the rag she was wiping down the bar top with and brushes her hands against her jeans.
I stare at her ass as she walks away, and by the extra sway in her hips, I know she knows I’m watching her go.
Walker twirls the mug around, staring at the dark liquor with a heavy sigh. “Why’d you ask me to come here?” There’s no bite to his tone. Only pure exhaustion that’s mirrored by the heavy set of his shoulders.
Looking at the man next to me, he’s hardly recognizable to the man I once called my brother growing up. He looks hollow.
Maybe all the fights and anger and resentment have eaten at him too, or maybe it’s something more.
“I wanted to talk to you,” I say, fiddling with the handle on my mug. “Figured it’s long overdue.”
He scoffs and takes a long drink. This isn’t the Walker I once knew. There’s a thick wall between us, fortified by both of our sins, and I’m not sure how to begin to chip away at it. Sending a text was the easy part.
Now there’s this.
But he’s here, so maybe there’s hope for our relationship after all. Hell, if Penny and I can get back on the same page after ten years apart, I don’t see why Walker and I can’t begin to, too.
“I don’t know, man,” Walker says with an exhausted laugh that’s more a puff of air than anything. “I didn’t expect to hear from you.”
“Yeah, me either.” I glance over at Penny at the other end of the bar. “But I don’t know…it just felt right. And everything else feels so wrong.”
He nods and continues to stare at his cup, which is already almost empty.
Raising an eyebrow at him, I reach over the bar and grab the bottle of whiskey. I don’t want to get Penny in trouble, so I quickly top off his drink and set it back down.
When he turns to look at me, I notice the dark circles under his eyes.
The green of them has dulled and lines crinkle at the edges.
His cheeks are covered in stubble that’s a few days past needing a shave, and his shoulders are dropped as if the weight of them is too much for him.
He looks like a mess and concern shoots through me.
“What’s up, man, you good?” I turn on the barstool to face him, showing him I’m ready to listen.
But he shakes his head, black hair limp, and motions to me. “What did you ask me here to talk about?”
I try not to go on the defensive at the dismissiveness in his tone.
I’ve gotten nowhere leading with fear, with anger.
And seeing it reflected in the tentative way Penny kissed me the other night, I realized it’s not so fun being on the other end of it.
This was one of my best friends. I would take a bullet for him with a smile, throw a punch for him without a second thought, and yet the scariest thing of all is to tell him everything about my past.
But it’s time to stop letting fear win. I refuse to be weak. To be a puppet to it.
“I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
I don’t know what I expected him to say, or do, when I apologized, but sitting there motionless wasn’t it. It throws me off and I’m silenced for a moment, wondering what to say next.
“Is that it?” he finally says.
Anger sparks. “Is that it?” I repeat. I’m finally ready to say the words I hardly ever utter in my life and that’s his response?
“Yeah.” He exhales heavily. “Is that all? You just wanted to say you’re sorry? For which part exactly?”
“I—”
“For trying to fuck with my relationship? For trying to tank Scar’s career? For breaking up the band and fucking up all our friendships? For what, exactly, did you want to apologize for, because I got a fucking list.”
Alright, well there goes the man of few words bit he was going for at the start of this.
I inhale sharply, trying to keep a rein on the defensiveness that comes second nature to me.
This will get nowhere if I deflect. “I’m sorry for all of it, and I’d like to try to explain to you where I was coming from before, and how I truly never intended to hurt you. I was always trying to protect you.”
“Protect me?” he spits and chuckles. “That’s fucking insane. You—”
“Just try to listen, okay? I’m trying to explain!”
I’m not sure what he must see on my face, but he chokes down his own rising anger and leans an elbow on the bar. He arches his brow at me, a silent permission to go ahead.
I open my mouth to speak, but my words get choked off. Embarrassment, memories, shame, fear, they all crawl up and suffocate me. My teeth sing as I clamp them down. I don’t want to think about my past, let alone talk about it. I can’t. Maybe this is irreparable.
A flash of red out of the corner of my eye. Then two blue eyes, shining in the low lighting. Soft pink lips tipped up in an encouraging smile.
Penny stays at the opposite end of the bar, but she’s looking my way. Mouthing something to me.
You can do this.
Walker doesn’t notice my shift in attention, or if he does, he doesn’t comment. Doesn’t ask who the woman is that is suddenly giving me the air to breathe and the balm to my fraying nerves.
Just the sight of her, the reminder that the past can’t hurt me because I’m here, she’s here, we’ve made it out, is all I need.
My voice is like sandpaper, foreign to my own ears, as I start. “When I first moved to Pittsburgh and we met at school, I never really told you guys why I ended up there. Why I was with a foster family.”
Walker’s hard face softens the smallest amount. “We never wanted to pry.” And that right there is why he, Nikolai, and Hayden quickly became my family. And it’s enough to keep going.
“I never knew my dad, so I grew up with a single mother. She was an alcoholic and an addict.”
Walker blinks, and I can see the wheels starting to turn behind his eyes.
“It was shitty growing up like that. We didn’t have any money and whatever she did have, she spent on getting drunk or high. And I spent my time cleaning up her vomit from the carpet after coming home from elementary school.
“A few concerned teachers over the years would call and someone would come out to make sure everything was okay, but she’d always pull it together enough to put on a show for them.
” My knuckles turn white against the mug clenched in my hand.
“And I never spoke up about it because…I don’t know. It was all I knew.”
“And she was your mom,” he says quietly.
“Yeah, but not in any way that ever counted.” At least one of her dealers brought me over that shitty acoustic guitar to bribe me away while he and my mom shot up in the living room.
“It was a fucked up way to live, but I had managed it. Except one day my sophomore year, I had missed the bus home and we lived too far away for me to walk. So I called and called her and finally when she picked up, I could tell she had been drinking. But I still needed a ride. When she swerved into the parking lot, I knew it’d be safer if I drove us home. ”