Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Brax
It was still dark on Christmas Eve morning when my phone went off. Mia lay next to me, her head on my chest, her hair wild and soft against me. When I reached to grab the phone, noticing that it was 5:00 a.m., I hated to leave the cocoon of warmth we’d created. I wished we could stay in bed all day today and tomorrow too.
I felt a weight on my feet, preventing me from moving. Suddenly, a lump moved up the bed between us, and the wiener dog popped out from the covers. “How do you get air down there?” I mumbled as I got out of bed and replaced the covers over Mia, the dog curling up beside her. I ran into the bathroom to take the call, closing the door so she wouldn’t awaken. It was from Tim Green, April’s husband.
“April’s in labor,” he said. A week early. I instantly knew that my holiday was over.
“I’ll cover her patients,” I said quickly. “No worries. Now go have that baby.”
As I reentered the bedroom, Mia stirred and opened her eyes. “April’s in labor?” she asked, groggy from sleep.
I sat down next to her. “I’ve got to go,” I said. “Stay and have Christmas with your family. I’ll come back for you after work tomorrow.”
“No need.” She rubbed her eyes. “I’ll catch a ride with Caleb. He works on the twenty-sixth too.”
Cooper sat at the top of the bed again, patiently waiting. As soon as Mia lifted the covers, he dove under them.
She smiled at what must’ve been my puzzled expression. “Doxies are burrowers,” she said.
“And here I thought he had a foot fetish.” I smoothed back her hair, gazing into her eyes. I wished I didn’t have to go, but duty called. To cover April’s ER shift, I’d have to leave as soon as possible, so I bent and kissed Mia’s forehead, then headed for the shower.
Mia
On the way out, Brax kissed me and reassured me that we’d see each other as soon as I got back. But a sudden chill cut through me, an irrational fear gripping me. Everything between us was too perfect. My life didn’t support so much happiness. It never had.
I was wide awake, so I picked up my phone from the bedside table. There was a text from Sam. Call me as soon as you get this , it read.
Thinking that maybe she was about to tell me about April’s exciting news, I called her right away. We’d talk about April, and I’d tell her how wonderful things were with Brax. How that had been the best Christmas present of all.
“Mia, I have to talk to you,” was the first thing she said, her voice strained. My heart plummeted into my stomach. I thought the worst.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as I could force out the words.
“Everything’s fine,” Sam said, “but—I overheard something yesterday afternoon that I think you should know. It’s about Brax.”
“About Brax?” He’d just left me. I could hear his truck idling in the driveway and the sounds of him scraping last night’s snow from his windshield.
“Have you heard anything about the BCP job?” she asked.
“Before I left, Robin told me the group would announce the new associate after the holidays. Why?” With everything else going on, I’d forgotten all about it. Frankly, it had been a relief to table thinking about it until after the holidays. That had given Brax and me a chance to take it out of our relationship and focus on what was really important—us. However it worked out, I was certain we could handle it. But I didn’t say any of this out loud.
“Ted Brunner was chatting with Dr. Hebert after rounds yesterday, and I overheard them talking. You don’t know anything about this?”
“No.” I was still groggy, still processing that Brax and I wouldn’t be together on Christmas. I’d wanted him to see how much fun our family holiday was.
Dr. Hebert was the chairman of the Department of Pediatrics, a bigwig. Brunner was probably boasting about something regarding the practice, as he often did. I was struggling to follow what this had to do with Brax or me.
Over the phone, Sam sighed heavily. “Brunner said he let Brax know last week that the job was essentially his if he wanted it.”
“Wait a minute.” It took a while for my brain to catch up. Did she just say Brax basically got offered the job? Last week ? “That’s impossible. Brax—” would have told me. Of course he would have.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Somehow, Cooper was on the bed, nudging his little nose in my palm, wanting me to pet him and wish him good morning. I did pet him, of course, and like clockwork, he rolled over, belly up. “Brax and I agreed not to talk about it this weekend,” I said weakly. “He never mentioned anything.”
Brax had been the one to suggest keeping business out of this weekend. Could that have been why? Because he’d known the outcome all along?
“Look,” Sam went on, and I was so grateful she was talking, because it felt as if someone had shoved half a bag of cotton balls down my throat. “Brunner was talking in low tones, secretively. He said they hadn’t made a formal announcement yet, but they were going to make an offer soon. I thought you should know.”
I murmured something. Probably an expletive. My head was whirling. And my tongue was clinging to the roof of my mouth. I was beyond thirsty.
“I’m so sorry,” Sam continued. “Maybe I should’ve waited until you got back, but I thought you should know. Did I do the right thing?”
“Yes. Of course. You’re being a good friend.”
Good friends—and lovers—didn’t keep secrets. Like cheating. And like hiding that they’d been offered the job you both wanted.
How could Brax sleep with me when he was keeping such a secret?
“If it helps, you should know people are starting to whisper about BCP. They’re calling it short for Birth Control Pills to poke fun at how they treat women. They’re losing respect, if that’s any consolation.”
I managed to thank Sam for letting me know. Then I sat in bed for a few seconds, trying to think this through. I realized one thing: I didn’t want to wonder about what Brax had been thinking for the next few days until I saw him again. I wanted to know now.
I threw on my slippers and crept quickly down the stairs, opened the door, and bolted out to the driveway, not even taking time to close the door. It felt like wind chill minus ten as the cold cut straight through my flannel nightgown, and the new snow—about four inches of it—instantly filled my slippers and froze my calves. Brax was still sitting in his snow-covered car, white exhaust pouring into the lightening day, the defrost and wipers at full blast.
Thank you, Wisconsin weather.
I could tell he’d been trying to cut out in a hurry, because he’d used his hands to knock the thick layer of snow off his car, and half of it was still there. For what seemed like my whole life, my dad had made sure to equip us with numerous snow brushes, scrapers, blankets, water and granola bars, flares, etc., to the extent that stocking the car for any weather emergency became a family joke.
I had no idea why I was thinking about that now. Only because it underscored that Brax had nobody to let him use a family car, let alone stock it with useful stuff—he’d had no help, no mentorship. He’d done everything on his own and so had learned how not to count on people.
I got that the job meant a lot to him because of Atticus Pendergast. But it meant a lot to me too. Not telling me about it was just plain wrong. A stunning betrayal.
I tried to hop through Brax’s footprints in the driveway, but I quickly learned that not bothering to put on boots had been a big mistake. As he rolled down his window, his face appeared, drawn and dead serious. “Mia, what’s wrong?” He looked surprised and worried.
“I need to ask you something.” I winced at the tightness in my voice. Maybe he had a reason for not telling me. Please, God, let there be a reason.
“Brax, I—” A wave of emotion hit me. I didn’t want this happiness to end. I didn’t want to be betrayed again. That terror closed my throat.
“Mia, what is it?” He glanced from the windshield to me, checking on the progress of the defrost, which was nearly far enough to see out. I knew he was anxious to go.
I spilled all my words. “Sam overheard Brunner say that he all but offered you the job last week. Is that true?”
To Brax’s credit, he didn’t hesitate, looking me directly in the eye. “He implied they were leaning into choosing a male associate—which obviously would be me.”
My stomach dropped like a lead ball. “They never wanted a woman, did they?” Icy cold was seeping into my toes and my heart. I should have known. I should have listened to my gut.
“I don’t know the exact politics.” He sighed heavily. “But Brunner insinuated that might be the case.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hot tears leaked out of my eyes. I swiped them away, ashamed that I was already so emotional about this.
“I wasn’t thinking about the job these past few days. I was thinking about you.”
I threw up my hands. “I don’t know what that means. If you were thinking of me, you should have told me.”
“We had an amazing weekend.” His brows were knit down. “More than amazing. Please don’t do this.”
I couldn’t let it go. “You knew, but you slept with me anyway. How could you keep this from me?” A huge secret. Just like how Charlie kept Erin from me.
“Honestly, Mia, I didn’t know what to make of what he said. It was a little icky, actually. And then you needed someone to come home with you, and I guess I just didn’t think about it.” He sounded like he always did, calm and even. But I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he was basically saying he’d forgotten to mention such a life-changing thing.
Fury bubbled all through me. I could barely contain my anger. “You’re going to work for a group of pediatricians that overworks its employees, doesn’t care about work-life balance, and preferentially hires men?” Suddenly, I saw something about myself. I’d wanted the prestige of this job so badly that I’d overlooked the glaring alarm bells. I was willing to trade the misery of being mistreated for the glory of being able to say I’d been chosen.
And so was Brax, apparently.
He averted his gaze. “Look, if I did take the job, I’d work hard to change the culture.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Apparently I’m not the only one willing to sell my soul for that job.”
His eyes darkened with anger. “I wouldn’t cast stones at my compromises.” His voice rose a little. “What about yours?”
I jerked up my head. “What are you talking about?”
“If you’d get over what’s holding you back, you’d apply for that heme-onc fellowship while it’s still open.” He looked so stern and unyielding. “It’s an opportunity dropping right into your lap, and you don’t even see it.”
A terrible thought occurred that made me sick to my stomach. “Is that why you were trying to talk me into applying for the fellowship? So you’d feel better about taking the job?” I should’ve seen right through that. It was an easy, guilt-free solution that would knock me right out of the running. It meant something else too, something too terrible to think about. It meant he wanted that job more than he wanted me.
“I wasn’t trying to manipulate you.” He sounded outraged. “Only trying to get you to see that you’re avoiding your true calling for all the wrong reasons.”
He sounded like such a know-it-all. “What exactly are those reasons? Please tell me.”
We were shouting in the driveway. My toes were ice cubes, numb and tingling from the cold. I prayed that my family wasn’t awake and on the way to check out all the commotion.
Brax blew out a big breath. As he looked me in the eye, he seemed to be deciding if he should say what he was really thinking. “Grace,” he finally blurted. “You’re afraid of Grace.”
I gasped. “Gracie is gone.” My voice wobbled. How dare he bring my sister into this? “Please leave her out of this.” I would never stop defending her, protecting her, even in death. Even if it was only against words.
“You don’t want to talk about her. Or about the impact her death has had on you. Yet you became a doctor because of her, and it’s clear she’s always on your mind.” He saw my distress, and I think that made him soften his voice. But that didn’t soften the words. “What I mean is, you’re letting your sad memories of her passing—all the fear and pain—impact what you do now. You went into pediatrics because of her. To save kids. Why not help the ones that you understand better than anyone else? It might be your true calling if you’d just allow yourself to consider it. If you make peace with the past.”
His words stung like an arrow piercing its target . I blinked back tears. How had he somehow managed to put my greatest fear into words? I wished he would turn off that stupid car, open his door and rush to hold me. I wished he’d tell me that we’d had a wonderful weekend, and say that he loved me, and that whatever happened, we’d work through all this together.
But he didn’t. Instead, he’d been willing to leave hiding something very important from me. And time was up. His windshield was now crystal clear.
“Look,” he finally said, “I’ve got to get to the hospital in time for morning rounds. I’ll see you back at work, okay?”
Back at work. Where we’d be colleagues.
The boyfriend was turning into a pumpkin, and he was taking the car.
Leaving me alone. Again. Betrayed, again. Not to mention carless.
My choices were to stay here with my family when I felt like a crashed train, or what? Hitch a ride with Brax for two hours? Absolutely not.
I refused to stand there while he pulled away, so I headed straight back into the house. But I still heard the crunch of his tires on the snow, heard the car motor slowly fade away as he drove down the driveway. He left me wondering if everything he’d said and done was as fake as the fake boyfriend that he’d pretended so well to be.