Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Brax
“What are you doing back so soon?” Gabe narrowed his eyes and asked me between inhaling bites of “spaghetti” in the cafeteria that night. “Spaghetti” in quotes because it looked—well, pale and clumpy, with a sauce that was more orange than red. And it sucked, just like my life right now.
That was also how I would’ve defined my mood at the moment—pale and clumpy. I felt cold and clammy. I felt paralyzed with nerves. If I didn’t get my attitude readjusted quickly, it was going to be a really long night.
“That looks…disgusting,” I couldn’t help saying.
I was downing my fourth cup of coffee since this morning. If I didn’t cut myself off soon, my shakes would have shakes.
Gabe, however, was inhaling the pasta. “Don’t judge me,” he said between hurried bites. “I got in at midnight last night, I’m on call tonight, and I’m starving because I have no food in my apartment. Tomorrow, when I get off, it’ll be Christmas Day, and all the grocery stores will be closed.” He checked his watch. “Plus, I’ve only got ten minutes before I have to be in the ER. And my holiday was great, thanks. How was yours?”
I didn’t even ask about Jason. “Sorry.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Did you say yes?”
He stopped eating long enough to grin widely. “I said yes.”
“Oh wow. Gabe, that’s—” I smiled back and clapped him on the back. “Wonderful. Congratulations, man.”
I was genuinely thrilled for him. He deserved happiness.
Gabe wiped his mouth with his napkin. “The wedding’s in July, as soon as this year of hell ends. In Charleston. Ever been?”
I cracked a little smile and did my best to sound enthused. “Not yet, but I can’t wait to go.”
“And I want you to be my best man.” He cautiously set down his fork. “But only if you tell me what’s wrong.”
I was flabbergasted, by the ask and by his ability to sense that something was off. “I’m honored.” Choking up, I said, “You’re like a brother to me. We can talk about me some other time.”
“You are my brother, in every way that matters.” Gabe’s tone told me he wasn’t going to be dismissed. “So, what’s going on with Mia?”
“I had a great time. She’s got an amazing family. She’s amazing.”
“But?”
“I screwed up.”
He frowned. “Does that mean you slept together? Because you already did that before.”
“I don’t kiss and tell.”
“You do if you want my advice.” He went back to slurping down the spaghetti.
“Yes, okay, that was amazing too. But then…”
Gabe stopped eating again and checked his watch. “You’re going to have to get this story out faster if you want my advice before I have to leave.”
“Before I left, Brunner implied that the practice was going to offer me the job, and I didn’t tell Mia. Honestly, I was trying to figure it all out. They don’t seem to want women in the practice. They overwork everyone. On the other hand, maybe if I join, I can be the one to set things right.” I was getting it all out fast, so I had to take a breath. “Mia thinks I kept the secret on purpose. That I was even trying to sway her away from the job when I told her she’d be great at heme-onc.” I looked up. “I hate what they’re doing. But I’ve been dreaming of working in that practice for years. It’s…it’s kind of in my blood.”
Gabe was shaking his head and looking at me like—well, like I sucked. I thought that he, of all people, would sympathize. “So you didn’t tell her about the shady job offer, mistake number one. And you tried to talk her into applying for heme-onc, so now she thinks you were assuaging your guilt, number two.”
I dropped my head into my hands. I sucked. “What’s number three?”
“Number three is that you seem willing to take a job where they treat you and other people badly just for the sake of saying you have that job. What would Dr. Pendergast do?”
I jerked up my head. I stared across the table at my best friend, who’d just asked a ten-million-dollar question. Of course I knew. “He would’ve told them to take their job and stick it somewhere where the sun don’t shine.”
He never would have compromised his integrity for the prestige of having a job.
Suddenly, all that caffeine must’ve kicked in, because the clouds finally parted. Everything became crystal clear. Somehow, I’d forgotten who I was.
I’d complained about no one really loving me. But the truth was, I didn’t understand what it was to love another person back. I’d let my desire for that job cloud my thinking. I’d put it before Mia.
Gabe sat back and crossed his arms. “Love or the job. Those are your choices.”
Mia
The day after Christmas, the same gold tinsel and colorful lights still looped around the nurses’ station, except the holiday decorations had that tired, the-party-is-over, take-me-down look.
Everything seemed different. Every beep and buzz jarred, yet the ward was oddly quiet. Muffled, as if I had earbuds in my ears that muted the rest of the world. Maybe it was because Bianca and Pedro had both been discharged home, and their fun teenage banter was gone.
Rylee and her family were also long gone, hopefully enjoying a fun and uneventful holiday. The hissing sound of an albuterol nebulizer machine, accompanied by crying, emanated from her old room. It was now occupied by a two-year-old with a viral respiratory infection who was crying in his mother’s arms as she struggled to keep the mask that delivered the treatment on his face.
I went about my work, catching up on everyone. Hospital life went on as normal. Who was I kidding? Everything seemed sad and lifeless. Brax-less.
I didn’t have time to think about my troubles. We had nine admissions that morning alone. The city seemed to be blowing up with post-holiday respiratory illnesses and gastroenteritis.
Right before lunchtime, I ran to the bathroom and bumped into Sam in the call room, sitting on a bottom bunk, pillaging a box of leftover Christmas chocolates. She’d been texting me literally every hour since Christmas Eve. “Hey,” she said, holding up a box of candy wrapped in bright red foil under my nose. Ordinarily, the rich scent of good chocolate would have worked wonders, but today, it made my stomach churn, so I passed.
She stopped midchew. “Have you eaten breakfast? I’m going to run down and grab you an egg sandwich.” She got up and hugged me. “I’d buy you a drink tonight, but I know you’re on call. How about I take your call for you?”
“You’re a good friend.” As I hugged her back, I fought back a sudden swell of tears. This would not do. I had a long, harrowing day ahead of me, not to mention a busy night ahead. I rubbed my pounding temples. “Got any Advil?”
My pager went off. It was Val, the charge nurse, telling me that Dr. Brunner was waiting at the desk to talk with me. It was probably about an admission. They were coming left and right today. I somehow had to get my game on fast.
“I’m worried about you,” Sam said.
“I’m okay.” I had to be. Sam knew as well as I did that everyone was stretched thin with the holiday schedule. If I took off, I’d be screwing my already-overworked colleagues. I would somehow have to get through this day.
Cracking a wry smile, I joked, “Being busy cures anything, right?” Although I doubted that was a smart strategy for a broken heart. All I could hope for was to continue getting pounded, so I didn’t have a second to think about Brax.
Sam gave me another concerned look and a squeeze as I wrapped my stethoscope around my neck and headed out of the call room.
“There you are,” Dr. Brunner said as he met me at the nurses’ station.
I immediately grabbed my laptop and tried not to think about the dreaded job that had torn Brax and me apart. “Okay, who have we got?” I hovered my hand over the keyboard, waiting for the details of the incoming admission.
“Actually,” he said, looking over his silver-rimmed bifocals, “I’m here with a little holiday gift.”
That made me look up. He looked calm and confident, as if he was about to bestow a great honor upon me. I can read people pretty well, and somehow, whatever he was about to say made my gut clench. “I’m speaking on behalf of all of us physicians in the group,” he said as if he were making a speech. “We’re all highly impressed with you, young lady. We feel that your work ethic, your relatability to our patients and our families, and your competence all add up to a physician with exceptional character. Bottom line is, we’d like to offer you a spot in our practice.”
I stared down at the compact computer in my hands, but I couldn’t bring anything into focus. That seemed to be the mantra of my life lately—nothing was clear.
Brax had said no to the job of his dreams? And now they were offering the job to me? Or did they end up not offering it to Brax in the first place?
I couldn’t think. I couldn’t understand.
All I seemed to hear was the fact that Brunner had called me young lady .
Did anyone ever call him old man ? What would happen if someone did? And why was I thinking of this when he’d just presented me my heart’s desire?
My heart started pounding and sweat was accumulating along the back of my neck. Say thank you and accept the offer , I told myself.
“Thank you for the offer,” I began. But no other words came. I set down the computer on the counter. I knew the smart thing would be to walk away. But instead, I looked at him, at this respected, experienced pediatrician, and said, “May I ask you a question, Dr. Brunner?”
“It’s okay to be a little stunned, Mia,” he said, chuckling. “Ask away.”
It was better to be quiet. To be grateful. But I had to know. I had to hear the answer and see him say it. “Why me?”
I saw Dr. Brunner’s eyes shift. He hesitated slightly. Cleared his throat.
“First of all, we at BCP believe in diversity and inclusion.”
“Is being a woman diverse?” A white woman at that?
The lines between his eyes creased into a frown. “Part of our plan has always been to expand the number of female physicians in our practice. But as you know, our top priority is to provide our patients with twenty-four-seven access to the best health care in the city. We dislike our employees dropping to part time, so we’re committed to finding the hardest-working residents we can. Those whose work ethic resembles yours.”
I thought of Robin, who always seemed overworked and exhausted. Who had tiptoed around the truth to keep her job.
“As you must know,” Dr. Brunner continued, “Dr. Hughes turned us down because of his plans to search for a job in Philadelphia, so we are absolutely thrilled to offer you the spot. Both of you were excellent candidates. It really was a neck-and-neck choice.”
Brax wasn’t taking the job, and he was leaving? To go to Philadelphia? Where Jenna lived?
Leaving me? Leaving us ?
“Mia,” Val called from across the desk. “Morgan’s mom is asking if it’s okay for her to have something to drink.”
“Just ice chips until I get the X-ray results,” I answered over my shoulder.
“Okay,” she said on her way down the hall. “But just FYI, she’s starving.”
“I’ll get on it,” I said. I turned to Dr. Brunner. “Thanks for being honest.” I blew out a big breath. The kind of breath you let out when you’re about to do the thing you should have done a long time ago.
“I’m truly honored to be one of your top picks. Your group sets the standard for what good pediatricians are.”
Stop right there, my safe side warned me.
Sorry, I said right back. This time, I’m pulling a Gracie .
“But there’s a dark side to your practice that the residents are talking about. Some of us feel that you prefer white male doctors, or that you choose people willing to put up with long hours and unspoken expectations.”
His demeanor changed before my eyes, and he spoke in a cool, level tone. “Clearly, you and Braxton have been in collusion. You know, young lady, being disgruntled that you weren’t our top pick and spreading rumors can harm your career.”
In collusion? Had Brax told them the same thing? Also, was Dr. Brunner subtly threatening me to get me to keep quiet? “The other thing, Dr. Brunner, is that I don’t believe you’d ever refer to a male resident as a young man. You’d call him Doctor. I’d appreciate the same consideration.”
He narrowed his eyes in a way that should have worried me. I’d never uttered a word out of the respect zone ever to any of my superiors. “I should write you up for being disrespectful.”
I didn’t back down. “I’ve only said what a lot of us are thinking.”
As I turned away, I discovered that two of my interns and four of our nursing staff were hovering nearby, listening intently. Soon, the entire hospital would know what I’d done.
Well, good. I’d finally stood up and said what I felt needed to be said.
I loved kids, and I loved my job. But Brax had called it right. I truly wasn’t upset about letting that job go. My heart wasn’t into doing well-child checks, charting growth and development, and educating moms on the many nuances of raising a healthy child. Not that that wasn’t wonderful stuff—it just wasn’t wonderful to me.
Also, I was done with trying to achieve perfect . I wasn’t coming close in any aspect of my life anyway. And I didn’t need the prestige of belonging to that practice.
Or the misogyny.
I was glad—even proud—that I hadn’t stayed silent. But I wasn’t sure quite what to do now that I’d just shot my promising future right in the foot. Or about the fact that Brax was leaving for good.