Chapter 33 #2
‘He drifted off, sleeping on the sofa at various friends’ houses, until their patience ran out, because even then he was gambling, weren’t you?
They had people coming to their door – bailiffs.
He’d racked up credit card bills he couldn’t pay.
In the end he ran out of friends and was living in his car. How pathetic is that?’
She burst into tears. ‘But hey, no worries. Mother to the rescue. With a wave of her magic wand, she leaves him Watersmeet, and here he is, back on his feet, a beautiful house and now a woman to share it with – as if his wife and children never existed. As if I never existed.’
Mac shook his head. ‘You weren’t left out of the will, Stella. You got plenty.’
‘I got control of you,’ she said scornfully.
‘That’s the thing, Alison. This so-called man is so pathetic, so untrustworthy, that our mother couldn’t be sure he’d even pay the bills here, or feed the animals, so although she left him enough money it was all tied up with conditions.
I have to make sure that when he asks for cash, he really needs it.
I have to check that it genuinely is for animal feed, or vet’s bills, or maintenance on the outbuildings and house.
How pathetic is that? And yes, he even gets a monthly allowance, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting a job, but it’s only just enough to feed and clothe himself, so don’t get any grand illusions about living the life of Riley with him.
If Mum had left him it all in one go it would have been gambled away by now, wouldn’t it, Mac dear? ’
Mac said nothing.
Alison put her head in her hands, trying to process everything she’d just heard.
The picture Stella had just painted sounded so unlike the Mac she knew and – yes – loved that she couldn’t believe it was true.
And yet, Mac had made no attempt to deny it.
Even now he was just sitting there, not even trying to defend himself.
Stella put her hand over her mouth. ‘I think I’m gonna be sick!’ she wailed.
Mac leapt to his feet and ushered her into the toilet off the hallway.
Alison hesitated, then she stood and let herself out of the back door, as quietly as possible.
She made her way round to the front of the house, hurrying down the drive and along Weltringham Road.
Stella’s car was nowhere in sight, so it was probable that she hadn’t driven after all.
She shivered, remembering she’d left her coat hung up in the hall, but realised she wasn’t even cold.
She just felt sick – sick to her stomach.
She’d really thought she could trust Mac, but it was clear he wasn’t the man she’d thought he was.
‘Alison!’
As she heard his voice she picked up speed. She didn’t want to talk to him. She just wanted to go home.
She heard footsteps as he ran up behind her and shuddered as he laid a hand on her shoulder. He removed it instantly, hurt in his eyes as he handed her the coat.
‘You forgot this. I didn’t want you to be cold,’ he said miserably.
‘And that’s it, is it?’ she asked. ‘That’s all you have to say? Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I was going to,’ he said. ‘I swear it. That’s what tonight was all about. I was going to cook dinner then sit down with you and explain everything to you properly.’
‘Twist the truth, you mean?’
‘No.’ He shook his head, denying the possibility. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Alison. I’m not that person any more. What Stella said—’
‘Was it true?’
He flinched. ‘It’s not as straightforward as that. Stella only knows some of the story anyway.’
‘But?’
He sighed. ‘I was a gambler. I am a gambler. She’s right.
I ran up debts and nearly lost the house.
I sofa surfed for years. I was in a hostel.
I lived in my car. I was in another hostel.
It was a mess. I was a mess. I went to Gamblers Anonymous.
I followed the programme – went to meetings every week.
I turned my life around, Alison. I had a sponsor.
Doug. He was brilliant. He helped me see things differently. ’
He threw up his hands helplessly. ‘What else can I say? I was addicted. I still go to meetings sometimes. I’m always going to have to be careful. Mindful. But I’m not the same person as I was back then. I promise you. Please, just give me the chance to explain properly.’
‘I thought you just did,’ she said.
‘It wasn’t how Stella thought. Lynne and Terry – they were having an affair for years before I found out. When I did, I was devastated. It felt like everything I’d believed was a lie. I fell to pieces, and I was so, so low. Then I found a scratch card on the floor.’
He gave a bitter laugh. ‘One bloody scratch card. I won two hundred quid on it, and that’s all it took.
There was this rush of excitement, and just for a moment I felt happy.
And I wanted to feel that way again, so I bought another one, and then another.
Before I knew it…’ He groaned. ‘You have no idea what it’s like.
I’d bet on anything. I was in the casinos, I played cards with the blokes who worked for me, I’d be in the bookies.
Then came the phone apps. I didn’t even have to leave the house to lose my money any more.
I couldn’t stop. I just wanted the pain to end, and when I was gambling it did. ’
‘So this is Lynne’s fault?’ Alison asked. ‘Hers and Terry’s?’
‘No! No, I can’t say that. Plenty of wives have affairs – even with the husband’s best friend.
It’s not an excuse. It’s just a reason. Why it started.
The addiction was all me. The weakness, it was mine.
My responsibility. The lies. The deception.
The hiding of bills and statements. The recklessness of almost destroying my family’s future.
That was me. That was Ian. That’s why I left him behind, because I’m not that person any more. I’m just not. You have to believe me.’
Alison nodded. ‘I understand addiction, Mac,’ she said gently. ‘And I can’t even begin to imagine how painful this must have been for you, or what you and your family went through. But can you, hand on heart, tell me that you’ll never, ever gamble again?’
Mac stared at her. ‘Wh-what?’
‘You heard the question,’ she said. ‘Can you swear it?’
Mac swallowed. ‘I can’t. I want to, but it would be a lie.
I’ll always be a gambling addict. That’s why I focus on one day at a time.
We’re taught to do that, you see, at Gamblers Anonymous.
It saved me. Following the steps. Going to meetings.
But honestly, I can’t promise that I won’t slip up ever again because I just don’t know.
Right now, I feel as if it will never happen, because I’m in such a good place and I’m happy.
Well, until tonight. But who knows what’s around the corner?
It wouldn’t be fair of me to say otherwise. You deserve better than that.’
‘Thank you,’ she said tearfully. ‘I appreciate that. But you see, Mac, I can’t live like that.
The fear of you going back to that kind of behaviour.
I told you once that I’m pretty risk averse, and I really am.
I just want a steady, quiet life. I can’t cope with any more drama.
I’ve had more than enough of it already.
I just need to back away right now, because if I don’t… I’m so sorry, Mac.’
Tears glistened in his eyes, but he didn’t try to convince her to change her mind. He stepped back and nodded silently, letting her walk away.
She knew he was watching her as she walked, and that he’d keep watching until he couldn’t see her any longer.
Part of her longed to turn around and run back to him, tell him that it didn’t matter and she didn’t care what had happened in the past. But she couldn’t, because she was too afraid of the future, and what it might bring if she trusted him.
She simply wasn’t brave enough.