Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
Adam
“So what’s happening with that baby everyone’s talking about?” my friend Brax asked. Our pickups were parked side-by-side in my driveway, mine red, his black, and we were loading all the firewood we’d just cut up from a fallen tree in my yard.
Surrounded by woods but also sort of overtaken by them—that was my yard. And on this drizzly spring morning, it was a wild, untamed mess. I’d like to say that it had the potential for beauty to emerge—but I wasn’t really feeling it.
I’d bought this dull gray ranch sight-unseen from Chicago because the realtor liked the price, because it was walking distance from my mom’s, and because it didn’t need any immediate work, other than the yard.
And I loved yard work. The rest I didn’t care much about.
So yes, I bought a house based on the ability for me to whack an endless supply of weeds, dig up saplings growing where they shouldn’t be, and chop down half-dead trees.
I felt sort of miserable. I’d handled things with Ani totally wrong—again.
And I didn’t think I could confide in anyone about this, even a good friend like Brax.
The one-night stand, the way she’d suddenly shown up right in my ER—or the way I’d suddenly shown up in her hometown, if you want to look at it that way, and most of all, the bad way I’d handled everything.
“I don’t have any updates yet,” I said. “I only know that the mom took off in the middle of the night. And there’s no precedent to go after her because she used Safe Haven. I mean, she’s safe from prosecution but also not getting any kind of help or services.”
“Safe Haven is when someone surrenders their baby, right?”
“She gave birth and then immediately handed the baby over to our new pediatrician.”
“To Ani,” Brax said.
Ani. Who’d never been far from my thoughts. I cleared my throat. “Yes. What do you know about her?” Brax was a pediatrician, and he subbed a day each week in the same practice Ani joined. I was eager to get some info—any info—about her.
“Mia’s really good friends with her. We were all residents together, and I count myself as her friend too. We were all there when her wedding fell apart last summer.”
Interesting. Also, if Ani had a connection with Brax’s girlfriend, it was definitely not a good idea to get confessional about Turks and Caicos.
I avoided looking at Brax as I grabbed a log and tossed it into his truck.
I was used to keeping things close. And I wasn’t the kiss-and-tell type. But I could’ve used a friend to talk to right then because life suddenly felt very complicated.
“Ani did a great job with the delivery,” I said.
“She’s a great doc,” Brax said, “and a good person. She deserves better than that guy she almost married.”
“What happened with that?” I winced. Bad question, totally inappropriate, none of my business. Yet I couldn’t resist the ask.
Brax dusted off his bright yellow gloves and heaved a sigh. “It’s complicated. Tyler is super smart and extremely organized but also kind of an asshole. I think she was attracted to his levelheadedness. But he like, has no emotions.” Brax studied me carefully. “Do you care?”
Busted. “I-I was just wondering.” I kept asking questions like a gossip. And stammering. Could I be more obvious?
I hefted a heavy piece of wood and pressed my lips together.
Since Liv died, I’d struggled in many ways—I hadn’t felt like going out with my friends.
I became isolated. When I moved here, I vowed to do better, determined to push myself to keep up with my relationships.
“If I tell you something, you have to promise to keep it private.”
“Of course.” To his credit, Brax wiped the surprise off his face, halted all activity, and stood there expectantly.
I had one last chance to keep this private. Aw, hell. I needed…a friend. So I plunged ahead. “I met someone. Last summer. In Turks and Caicos.”
“Oh.” He was smart enough not to ask further. But I didn’t miss his raised brow, the little lilt in his voice. “Wow. Okay. You never said anything about that.”
I shrugged, unsure of what to say next.
“Is this someone you would ever see again?” Brax asked.
“I never thought I would.” I pinched my nose. That wasn’t entirely true. “I mean, I looked up her name. I knew where she lived. Maybe I was hoping someday—but I swear, I came back here for my mom. I’m not some stalker—”
At that point, Brax pulled off his gloves and tossed them on the ground. “Wait a minute. Are you telling me—”
Stupid, stupid me. I’d started this avalanche. So I had to finish it. “It was Ani. She showed up in my ER last night. And I handled it all wrong.”
“Wait, back up. Did you—did you sleep with her?” He raised his hands up traffic-cop style. “No, don’t answer that. If you answer, I’ll be keeping a secret from Mia, and that would be bad.”
“Maybe. That might’ve happened. Yes.” I felt no relief.
He burst into laughter. I stabbed him with a glare. “Brax, I swear, if you say one word…”
He threw up his hands, still chuckling. “I won’t, I won’t. But…you like her. I mean, you obviously do, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“Yes, I like her. But I don’t know what I want. And I hurt her feelings.”
He parked himself on the woodpile and took off his ball cap. “Go on. I can’t wait to hear this.”
“Well, first she accused me of leaving my sense of humor in Turks and Caicos.”
“You have a sense of humor?” He smiled a smirky smile that made me regret confessing my darkest secret. “Okay, okay, so let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly had a bounce in your step lately.”
“Nor will I ever in the ER. I have to treat her professionally.”
“And she told you off.”
“In front of the staff. And then again in private. I-I didn’t exactly acknowledge her as someone I knew.”
“Wait—you acted like you didn’t remember her?”
At this point, I was probably regretting my confession. “Because I was thrown. Was I supposed to say, ‘Oh hi, everyone, meet my one-night stand. Great to see you again.’ I got…confused.”
Brax rubbed his neck, deep in thought. “I can’t believe you slept with her.” It sounded so loud when he said it. Aaand it was official. I definitely regretted telling him.
I shushed him and glanced around. No people, just two rows of houses, most of them tidy, except mine of course, and only a silly, curly-haired dog lollygagging down the street, his tongue hanging sideways in a semi-comical fashion. As I squinted, I saw that it was my neighbors’ dog, Arnold.
“Anyway, she’s staff,” I continued. “When she’s in my ER, I’m in charge. I can’t afford a distraction like her.”
He pounded me on the back. “Trust me, Adam, you need a distraction like this.”
I scowled. Now that I told him, I was for sure gonna have to kill him.
He must have sensed my distress because he changed his tone. “I’m going to be completely honest. People have a certain sympathy for you, but it’s not going to last forever. You can be…a killjoy.” He let that sink in. “And that’s the polite version of what I really want to say.”
“I’m not there to be anyone’s friend. I have to set rules. I have to make sure my staff is ready for anything that walks through that door.”
He rested his arm on my shoulder. That made me a little emotional. “You’re a great doctor, Adam. But having a branch up your ass isn’t going to save everyone who walks through the door. You know that. You’re punishing yourself for something that had nothing to do with you.”
I looked into the distance, at the bright green grass of the golf course peeking through the houses across the street.
He was right, I couldn’t save Liv. But looking back, there were tiny signs, tiny symptoms. We might have caught it quicker.
Got her evaluated sooner. Then maybe her bone marrow would have taken.
I vowed on her grave that I would make certain that nothing like that ever happened to anyone else on my watch.
That way her death might have some meaning because otherwise, it didn’t at all. Not one effing bit.
The silly labradog was now bounding down the street, on a mission, heading straight toward us, loping a little sideways with his awkward long-legged gait. He ran up to me and started running circles and jumping, excited to see me.
I stooped to give him an aggressively playful rub down. “Arnie, buddy, what on earth are you doing here?”
He answered by flopping on his back right on my lawn and wagging his tail for more.
“Who’s your friend?” Brax asked.
“He lives around the corner.” I gestured in the general direction.
“Ever since Mrs. McClellan broke her hip last winter, she and her husband haven’t been walking him regularly. He hates being cooped up. I take him for a run with me when I can.”
“Arnie! Arnold! Arnold Palmer McClellan the Third!”
Some golfers on the 9th hole looked over as a woman in a raincoat, red plaid flannel pants, and flipflops came running toward us.
Brax broke out in a huge, smug grin. “Don’t look now, but here comes your one-night stand.”
I rolled my eyes. “This is why I don’t talk to anyone about my problems.”
He snorted. “If you have a problem deciding about whether or not you should go out with her again, then you need more than a friend to talk to.” He paused.
“But just to reinforce what you already know, she’s been hurt badly.
She deserves someone who’s going to be there for her. You have to decide if you can be.”
Oh. His friendly ribbing had taken a turn. I respected that he was looking out for Ani in a protective way. But his warning only underscored the fears that I already had about myself.
Ani seemed to appear magically before us, like I’d conjured her from my thoughts, looking disheveled but adorable. She was smiling her usual beautiful smile—until she saw me, that is.
“Hi, Brax,” she said, a little out of breath. “Adam.” I got a much less enthusiastic greeting. I got Princess Leia talking to R2-D2 about the Death Star—deadpan, mortally dangerous.