Chapter Sixteen
Jules
I miss him. It’s been a week since he crawled into my bed. Seven whole nights of lying awake, night after night, wondering if he will climb down the ladder again.
It seems silly to miss someone who is literally right there, but after that night, my bed feels wrong without him in it– like there's too much space, and not enough Zander.
After scoring a job in the local pub, he’s not really been around much.
It’s been his induction week; mid-afternoon starts and late-night finishes.
I’ll admit– I’ve been miserable, bordering on intolerable.
When he leaves for work, it’s like he takes a piece of me with him, the one able to smile and laugh freely.
I know it’s selfish. Mom keeps telling me this is a good thing and how it shows significant progress for Zander.
Since he stopped going to therapy when his period of mandatory attendance was up, he’s been in his head more so than usual.
I often catch him with a faraway look in his eyes, almost like he’s daydreaming.
Only I know the thoughts spinning around his head are more likely nightmares than anything else.
Whilst I agree a job will be beneficial, I know it won’t solve everything.
It’s like he’s trying to figure something out.
He’s told me before that it feels like a piece of a puzzle inside his mind is missing, and the unrest it causes is physically debilitating.
I’ve seen what it does to him, I’ve watched how it torments him night after night.
So I do the only thing I can right now, I insert myself into the gaps he speaks of, keeping him busy and distracted.
Mom only sees the version he wants to show her.
She doesn’t hear the late-night anxiety clawing its way up his throat, nor does she see the subtle panic that sets in when his clothes are arranged differently in his drawers.
She sees happy Zander. Grateful Zander. Almost-whole Zander.
We both knew things were going to change, but my inner control-freak placated those worries with illusions of us working together, moving out together, just always being together.
Now, here we are. Zander works evenings, and tomorrow is when I start my first day at the game shop– yep, day.
When I got the call telling me my interview had been successful, it was too late to back out.
My excitement quickly turned sour at the notion of only seeing Zander once we were both home from work and tucked up in bed– separate beds, might I add.
What if he makes new friends? What if I’m not enough for him anymore?
He’s told me a little about the people he works with, and, truth be told, they sound pretty cool.
He’s told me about the tattoos covering every available inch of his manager’s skin, as well as the countless piercings and wardrobe choices of his other workmates.
I hate myself for it, but when he’s excited and animatedly telling me all about these people, I can’t help but find fault with what he says–
Do the tattoos not scare away customers? How does she get through airport security with all that metal in her face? Is that really an appropriate choice of uniform? Ugly, I know.
Zander just shrugs it off, even when my Mom calls me out on it. Then, we go to bed, and silence fills the space between us. I can feel the tension hovering above me while my mind compares everything I’m not with everything they are.
“Jules, I know you’re awake…” His voice floats down from the bunk above.
After listening to his latest work story and trying my hardest to feign interest, we called it a night and came to bed.
Mom’s been really tired lately, so we’ve all just fallen into her routine and retired at the same time.
“I can hear your mind racing from up here.”
“Do you like them more than me?” I blurt out into the darkness. I’ve never been one to mince my words, I seem to lack the filter between my brain and mouth that says– this should probably stay up here.
For a beat, there’s nothing but silence and an uncomfortable sense of foreboding.
This is it; the moment he breaks my heart completely.
The moment where thirteen years of friendship get swallowed up into the void of the past. My eyes fill with tears, and the back of my throat aches as I hold in the emotions begging to pour out.
“Is that what’s been bothering you all week?” He asks, sounding almost relieved.
“Well, obviously. What else did you think it was?”
“I–uh, doesn’t matter… And for the record, no. I don’t like them more than you.”
“But you talk about them all the time… and what do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Surely he can understand my worries. Although the fact he didn’t pick up on it for himself has me wondering what he actually thought was wrong.
“Just like I talk about you, when I’m with them.”
He talks about me? To his new friends? The revelation has my eyes drying back up and my chest squeezing tight with pride.
“Wh-what do you tell them?” I ask sheepishly, twirling a loose piece of cotton around my finger.
“Y’know, just things…”
‘Things’ isn’t enough to calm my racing mind, so I climb the ladder and plonk myself by his side like an excited puppy would its master.
“Liiike…” I urge, my face now intimately close to his. I can feel his happiness from the way he stares at me through the veil of darkness, the magic in his eyes infecting me with his joy.
“Like how much of a big dope you are, thinking the top bunk is going to survive both of us being up here.” He gently shoves me in the chest, causing my body to rock back a little, before settling even closer than before.
He’s propped up on his elbow and grinning down at me now, his breath fanning across my face like a gentle breeze.
His eyes hold mine hostage, the moonlight peeking through the curtains reflects the playfulness in his tone.
I can’t help but stare up at him in absolute wonder. How did I get so lucky?
“What else?” My voice is barely a whisper. His proximity holds my words captive; maybe I do have that filter, after all.
“I tell them how you’re just, you.” I raise an eyebrow at him and his half-arsed answer.
He drops his head low with a chuckle, causing his hair to dance across my face.
I inhale deeply, filling my senses with all things Zander.
The musk of his sweat following a hard day's work, paired with the subtle smell of apple from his cheap 2-in-1 shampoo, invades my nose and settles my soul.
“Honestly, I tell them what they ask and no more.” My heart lurches, and my stomach drops with disappointment.
“Do I embarrass you?” His head whips up at my question, eyes wide and almost angry.
“No, Jules.” He grabs my hand with his free one and weaves his fingers through mine, placing them on my chest, right above my thundering heart.
“I tell them the bare minimum because you are my friend, not theirs. It’s like when I walk out of that door, you keep a part of me here, with you.
I know it sounds selfish and crazy and–”
“You keep a piece of me every time, too,” I admit, nervously. “I just get scared sometimes that you’ll maybe, I dunno… break it, somehow.” He pulls his hand from mine and grips the side of my face. His eyes narrow and deathly serious.
“Jules, I only ever want to keep you safe. Always have, always will.”
It feels like the world holds its breath, its rotations halted, and all the oxygen is being syphoned from the room.
Yet somehow, I’m breathing him in just fine.
Our faces are close, too close. Dark brown eyes bore into me as I lay unmoving beneath him, captivated by the way the air between us feels alive with anticipation.
My face is hot, and my mouth is suddenly dry.
I swipe my tongue across my bottom lip as his eyes flick down.
It happens so fast that if I had blinked, I would have missed it, but I didn’t.
Zander’s own lips part in response, confusion and intrigue taking over his features.
I could swear he’s slowly closing the distance.
“What’s happening, Zan?” My voice is breathy, timid and so inappropriately needy.
“I don’t know–” His nose brushes against mine faintly as our mouths line up. We’re locked into each other’s stare, unaware and uncaring of just how little distance is left between us–
A deafening BANG jolts us both upright. The earth resumes its orbit at what feels like double speed, and the oxygen comes flooding back in, snatching away our stolen moment with a suffocating clarity.
I crash, hard, back into the friend zone…
reality. The one where Zander is my best friend, and the cold truth starts to seep back in– that’s all I will ever be.