31. take everything, give me forever
CHAPTER 31
TAKE EVERYTHING, GIVE ME FOREVER
LINCOLN
“I need a hug,” Ivy says, throwing herself onto the couch before I’ve even registered the chime of the lift, the words muffled into my shirt because she’s already hooked around me like a bloody koala. No idea what I was doing ten seconds ago, because all I can focus on is how incredible she feels in my arms.
It’s instinct to hold her back. That’ll never be a problem. The issue will be never wanting to let go.
“I take it today didn’t go well.”
With her face still buried between my neck and shoulder, she shakes her head. Christ, she’s adorable.
I’ll never be able to give this up.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I struggle not to laugh when she mutters a petulant “no” in response, then push my phone aside to run a hand along her back.
She sighs, and I feel her fingers curl tighter into my shirt.
My heart skips a beat.
“But you know what really annoys me?” she says. She pushes up off my chest, and then I’m staring up at an Ivy with fire in her eyes. “I knew taking this job would mean no benefits, but I didn’t realize it would be so mind-numbing. No phone, no music. They don’t even like it when I hum. Do you know what it’s like being in here with my thoughts all day?” She taps her temple. “Like a circus, but all the monkeys are played by that one guy from the Airflow commercial.”
In my life, I’ve been lucky enough to travel to over a hundred countries, and nowhere on earth have I met anyone as utterly captivating as Ivy Hawkins.
There won’t be any settling after her. If there’s any of my heart left to give, I won’t be satisfied with anyone else.
“Sounds fascinating.” And I mean it. I’ve never met anyone so endlessly interesting.
“And on top of all that,” she says, and I don’t think she’s even heard me. She’s on too much of a roll. “They denied my leave for your family weekend, even though I wouldn’t get paid if they let me take it. He said they can’t ‘spare the bodies’ to give me time off. So I told him he’s going to have to exhume someone, because I quit.”
Ah. Suddenly the clinging makes sense.
She drops her head to my chest. “I should have listened to Mom and gone back to work sooner. Now I have to start all over again.”
I attempt to soothe the tension from her shoulders. It keeps surprising me, this blind spot she has for her own brilliance. It makes no sense to me.
She’s a prism of attitude and joy, and every time I’m witness to a new side of her— exhausted but obstinately pushing through it to finish her favorite show, freshly showered after a workout and bouncing on the balls of her feet because she’s too energized to sit still, anxiously reading yet another job ad while she talks herself out of being qualified for it. The deep breath she needs to take when I compliment her, her eyes falling closed, as though she needs a few seconds to steady herself against it or perhaps tuck it away carefully before it’s gone. She should be overrun with praise until it’s overflowing. If she’d let me, there’d be no room left for doubt.
“This isn’t your fault. Let me help.”
Still resting on my chest, she shakes her head. “You’ve already done so much for me; I can’t keep relying on you to swoop in and save me every time.”
Well, fuck that. “Yes, you can,” I correct her. Ivy says nothing. “And in the interest of not incurring your wrath, I need to let you know that your rent is hereby suspended until further notice.”
Her head snaps up, almost clipping me on the chin. “You can’t do that.”
It’s frustrating that she still thinks I wouldn’t do anything for her. It’s a perception I’ll be happy to dispel. “Not the reaction I was hoping for, but all right. I suppose I’m glad Hania gave me her thanks by way of a kiss.”
“Lincoln, you can’t just— wait. She kissed you?”
It’s only a slight exaggeration. More of a peck on the cheek since she was set to sell her beloved piano to cover a recent medical bill, but it’s worth the risk to see Ivy’s eyes flood with jealousy.
Fuck, I could get drunk on her alone.
“I quickly reminded her that I’m spoken for,” I say, sliding my hands along her firm thighs and enjoying the way her gaze drops to my lips. “Now, before you get mad, I should tell you it’s a building-wide policy, so that we can replace the lift.”
Which currently works perfectly fine, something Ivy knows.
“It doesn’t need replacing.”
See? No matter. Her eyes flutter when my palms reach the apex of her legs, my thumbs skirting dangerously close to her zipper. “Then we’ll fix the fire escapes,” I say. We both know I’m lying through my teeth, but it changes nothing. I’m doing this for her, and I won’t be taking no for an answer.
“Lincoln,” she warns, seeing through the ruse.
I smile widely back at her. “Or we’ll build a community garden on the roof and give everyone access. It’s up to you.” She must know that by now.
“Are you sure?”
About her? Absolutely.
The rent is an easy gesture to make. It’ll take a nice chunk out of the funds Deacon used to send me as an attempt to guilt me into leaving London, but I can’t think of a more worthy use for it. “Think of it like a belated Christmas gift. The perks of dating a posh git.”
Ivy chuckles softly, but her eyes glisten with emotion. “I don’t know what a git is, but I’m going to say you don’t quality.”
I cup her cheek. “Ask my brother. He’d be happy to disagree with you.”
Mentioning Reed is a mistake as soon as I say it, Ivy’s expression hitting the brakes and slamming right into disappointment. Shit.
“Okay,” she says, standing up. “I have to know. Why do you let him believe such horrible things about you?”
Because they’re true. Or they were once, and it’s easier to let him dismiss a lie than be rejected with the truth.
“Whatever you’re thinking is wrong,” she says with an uncanny ability to always know what I haven’t said. “I know you now, and you’re not lazy or selfish, and yet you let him talk about you like you’re…” She looks around as though searching for the word. “Like you’re Kyle.”
Well, now I’m offended.
Ivy stands between my knees, her hands on her hips, resolute in her frustration. “Why do I get the feeling you’re using this little arrangement as a buffer and a distraction instead of doing what you moved back here for?” Her brow raises. “What the hell happened between you two?”
I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell her.
I wasn’t always a smart man. After the split, Mum tried to make up for the distance by giving me an allowance. Combined with the prestigious university Deacon had arranged my entry to, I was well on my way to being a right bastard.
“I met Kat when I was twenty. Friend of a friend of a friend, that sort of thing. I was gone on her, but she needed to play it cool, said her dad could never find out. That I needed to pay for all the fancy gifts and dinners she wanted because he checked her spending. Well, I didn’t care, did I? Just handed my card over and followed her lead. All the way to Belgium, where her boyfriend found us.” I can still remember the ice-cold punch of realization. “Turns out it wasn’t her father we were hiding from, but her boyfriend. I thought, hey, it’s shit luck , but she’ll tell him it’s over, and that’ll be that.”
Ivy must already sense where I’m headed as she moves closer, curling her hand around my arm.
I haven’t admitted this to anyone other than my brother. “But I was the one with the wool over my eyes. She never saw me as anything other than a bank account.”
“What did you do?”
All the wrong things. “Yelled a lot. Her boyfriend started a fight; I finished it. But since his father was a diplomat, I was the only one arrested.” The night went from bad to worse as I watched them take my passport. “I called the only person I trusted, and Reed arranged to get me back to London, but only after he’d spent an hour telling me what a bellend I’d become.”
After that, I was only granted enough money to get by. “Until you get your head out of your arse and start acting like an adult.”
He wasn’t wrong, but it hurt to hear, and in that moment, he went from brother to parent. “After that, I ditched the partying, ditched the Eton rejects, and sorted myself out. Moved in with Manny after I graduated, and the rest carried on from there.”
I’m not expecting Ivy to look so hard done by, the lines of her mouth pinched and cross. “But that’s ridiculous. He shouldn’t hold one mistake against you for the rest of your life.”
“It was a very expensive mistake.”
“And what? Nothing you’ve done since matters? Everyone is reckless in their twenties.” Christ, her anger is rewarding.
“Were you?” If so, I want every detail.
“No, but we’re not talking about me.”
Oh, but I’d like to.
She shifts, glaring at the exit and looking all too ready to storm off in search of my brother to give him a piece of her mind. I bite back the smile tugging at my lips.
“You made a mistake,” she huffs, eyes blazing. “A big one, sure, but no one got hurt, and you learned from it.”
It sends my heart down a familiar detour of gratitude. She’s proof I’ve done one thing right, at least, but I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t turn a blind eye to my mistakes. “I hurt myself, and things with Reed have never been the same. If I could take it back?—”
She interrupts me by knocking my foot with hers, and fuck, I think she might try to fight me. It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. “Yeah, well, you can’t, but you can stand up for yourself and fix things.”
That’s it. I give in to the urge and pull her back into my lap, stopping short of showing her exactly how much I want to devour her but giving in to the need to hold her. Much better. “You’re incredibly sexy. Do you know that?”
She fights it for a moment but can’t stop the smile tugging at her lips. “You’ve mentioned it.”
“And wise,” I add, kissing her cheek.
She lets out a soft snort that ghosts my lips. “I actually embarrassed myself a lot in senior year.”
“I can’t imagine it.”
“Then you’re not thinking hard enough,” she laughs, playfully pushing me away and, even more regrettably, sliding off my lap. I make do with throwing one arm around her shoulders while she reaches forward for the remote.
It turns out I’ve been living for the moment for far too long, because I’m unprepared for how viscerally I can imagine a future with her, one where she inhabits as much of this apartment as she does my mind. All of it.
I need her humming when she’s deep in thought, keeping me company while I work. I need her filling my kitchen with her cooking the same way she fills my life with a spark I haven’t felt for years. I need her phenomenal body within reach every day and night if I have any hope of satisfying my craving for her.
“Thank you for the rent,” she finally says. “I know you’re not obligated to help me, considering this relationship isn’t real.”
But she’s wrong. Nothing has ever been more real than this.
“If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to break up with me,” I challenge.
She says nothing, looking only at her hands.
My hand is laid against the back of the couch, and as I wait for her answer, I curl my palm around the back of her neck,tracing the tan lines where her sports bra stops, stroking the warm skin until it elicits a shiver. My mouth waters with the need to taste the salt of her skin. “Well?”
She opens her eyes, her voice breathless, unable to hide the effect I’m having on her. “Maybe tomorrow. I’m too busy today.”