42. Chapter Forty-Two - Desiree
The sun sets as Jaxson and I leave the occultist shop filled with black market relics disguised as a condemned bakery in the Burned-Over District.
The fading light casts an ominous glow on the weathered exterior.
We almost have everything we need to summon the Balam daemon.
I glance at the list on my phone to see what’s left to gather.
18 black candles blessed under a full moon and rubbed in minotaur lard ?
Chalk ?
Matches (which we don’t need, thanks to Jaxson) ?
Cup of salt ?
Blood Offering
Protection charm or Sunstone Bullets
The summoning spell ?
“What are we missing?” Jaxson adjusts the heavy box in his arms.
Through my cat-eye sunglasses, I peer at the veins straining in his forearms.
“The blood offering and the protection charm. Unless you think you can get sunstone bullets?”
“Soter’s been counting the inventory at the precinct. If we take them, he’ll have questions,” Jax says.
“I’d rather not get you into trouble.”
He nods.
“You said you can handle the charm, right? We don’t have to buy anything?”
“Yes, I can.” Despite the confidence in my voice, uncertainty gnaws at my insides.
Fortunately, all the herbal ingredients we need for the protection charm are stored in my mom’s apothecary at home.
She’s inevitably still at work, despite the hour.
And the spare key still hidden under the mat—a habit I once found unsafe but now feels like a lifeline.
Accessing them won’t be a problem.
Jaxson initially argued that we don’t need the charm, insisting that Balam lacks Harborym’s notorious violent streak.
But knowing what it did to Vane and Vyvyan, I refuse to gamble with Jaxson’s life.
Caution is a small price for the safety of those I hold dear.
“Okay, let’s go,” Jax says.
“Let’s drop those off first.” I gesture with my chin at the candles.
“Good thinking, sunshine.”
I smile wickedly, and Jax returns my grin with smoldering eyes.
The kiss we shared the other night was a tantalizing preview, and I’m desperate for more.
I crave to have his lips devouring mine, his hands exploring every inch of my body, igniting a firestorm.
More than kissing, I long to feel his skin against mine.
Creating new, erotic memories with Jax will surely obliterate any lingering thoughts of Vane.
I’ll be able to return to the Nest unbothered.
We leave the daemon-raising supplies inside a cobweb-infested crypt at Tsilah Cemetery, surrounded by the random belongings of an extinct Epsilon bloodline.
We will return before midnight to prepare for the ritual.
I haven’t ruled out Alden, or one of his entourages, as a suspect.
Despite his flirtatious behavior at the club, I’m unconvinced the wolves have truly abandoned their hatred for vampires.
I know when people are messing with me, and Alden’s actions feel insincere, as if he were acting.
As we approach Mom’s house, laughter spills into the street, mingling with the soft instrumental music inside.
Is Mom home?
I texted her earlier telling her I planned to stop by, but she had not replied.
Her silence, juxtaposed with the liveliness inside her house, has my phone resembling a dead weight in my pocket.
Jax faces me.
His brows furrow.
“Sounds like a party.”
I stare at the closed door.
Mom doesn’t do parties.
She’s always been the type to work tirelessly on one project before moving on to the next, rarely taking the time to revel in her achievements.
Growing up, I could count the number of times my parents celebrated an anniversary on one hand.
It’s not that they didn’t love each other, but they were too obsessed with their careers, leaving little room for festivities.
Wilder and I had to plan our birthday parties in high school, and we considered ourselves lucky if our parents shared a slice of cake with us.
I finish twisting the key in the lock, and as I do, the door swings open, revealing Juliette’s blazing blue eyes.
She folds her arms, her sleek green dress hugging her small curves.
She meets my gaze.
“Oh, it’s you. I thought you were the delivery guy.” Her bored gaze then roams over Jaxson behind me.
The heat of his body against my back comforts me.
“What are you doing at my house?” I ask.
More laughter erupts behind her.
I attempt to peer inside, but she blocks my view with a smirk.
“Celebrating,” she says.
“And I don’t recall either of you being on the invite list. So, bye.” She attempts to close the door in our faces, but I wedge my foot in the door.
“Desiree, please, know when you’re not wanted.”
I stifle a vicious snarl for propriety’s sake.
This is my mom’s house.
Juliette is the one who doesn’t belong.
I need to get into Mom’s apothecary.
Curating those protection charms to raise the Balam rules out my former friend’s self-importance.
“Move, Juliette. I need to grab something,” I say in the most amicable tone, though it still comes out as a sneer.
Her knuckles turn white the harder she grips the door.
Fine, it’s time to use the big guns.
“Mom!” I yell.
“Stop that.” I open my mouth to scream again.
“Fine, but be quick,” Juliette says, as if she has authority in my house.
Juliette steps aside, and I gesture to Jaxson to follow me.
As Juliette closes the door, she sighs.
“I’m having dejá vu seeing the two of you together. All that’s missing is Wilder.” She gazes toward the street as if she might find my twin standing there.
Except if he were here, he would have bulldozed past her the second she opened the door.
“You’re lucky Wilder isn’t here. After what happened the last time you set foot in this house, he wouldn’t hesitate to make you leave,” I say, and she blanches.
Juliette was here the day of Wilder’s Emergence.
They were hooking up, and he set her on fire—accidentally, of course.
When I asked her to leave so Wilder and I could cover up the evidence, she got violent.
I was used to her cruelty, but Wilder wasn’t.
That was the end of their relationship and the continuation of Juliette’s vendetta against me, which lasted throughout school, and the years after at Hebe.
I leave the foyer to head toward the downstairs apothecary in the cellar beneath the stairs but pause as I pass the party.
Hebe staff fill the family living room, all dressed in fancy attire instead of their usual scrubs.
I hardly recognized them.
Mom notices me and breaks away from her conversation.
My eyes land on a fancy script sign that reads, “Congratulations on Funding for the Cure.” My nostrils flare.
It better be about the cure for some rare, exotic disease.
Despite my poor efforts to dissuade her, it seems Mom has continued her research for a treatment.
Little does she know that the answer to her prayers is in this room.
My blood is the cure for vampirism, but that’s a secret I will take to my future grave.
“Desiree?” Mom asks.
Her maroon dress, which I told her to buy last year on one of our rare shopping trips, shimmers under the soft light.
Jaxson halts beside me.
He locks eyes with a few guests, who take in his faded jeans and hooded sweatshirt.
He smiles at them as if his street clothes were as expensive as their suits.
“I’m sorry, honey, but what are you doing here?” Mom kisses my cheek, and I smell alcohol on her breath.
“I apologize, Doctor Dunn. I tried to stop them, but they didn’t listen,” Juliette chimes behind us with false sincerity.
Mom’s features soften toward Juliette, and her green eyes fill with a mix of surprise and something else I can’t quite decipher.
Praise?
“That’s quite all right, Juliette. Desiree and Jaxson are welcome to be here. It’s because of Desiree I began researching a cure.”
I exhale, crossing my arms.
Mom’s wasting her time.
“Chiara, congratulations on your achievements. You look radiant,” Jaxson says.
Mom, who has always loved Jaxson, blushes.
“As pleased as I am to see you both here,” she begins, and I peek at Jaxson from the corner of my eye.
He winks when Mom isn’t looking, a small gesture of support that warms my skin.
Jax is the only person who has ever made me feel like the most important person in the room.
“I wasn’t expecting you. You should have called. My research isn’t public knowledge. Sorry, Jaxson, but I must ask that you keep it a secret.”
“I texted,” I say through my teeth.
Besides, Vyvyan and Vane already know about her research—Vane is the Secret Keeper—but they’ve been too preoccupied to deal with it.
Mom purses her lips.
“Well, since you are here, let me introduce you to some people.”
Mom reaches for my hand, but I pull it away.
I have no desire to let her parade me around the party as if I’m okay with this—as if she’s doing this for me .
Mom is doing this for the clout.
Her career took a nosedive after Dad’s arrest.
She’s trying to regain what she lost and pretending it’s for me to win brownie points.
“I came here to use your apothecary,” I tell her, and Mom’s head falls sideways.
“It is important.”
Juliette’s eyes darken before she mumbles, “Ungrateful.”
I glare at her.
She is getting on my last nerve.
“Of course,” Mom replies.
“But make it fast. We are serving dessert soon. Join us.”
I nod, but Mom forgets I don’t eat cake.
The thought leaves a hollowness in my chest.
Instead of embracing who I am, she wants me to change.
As we enter Mom’s apothecary, the familiar scents of drying herbs hanging from the ceiling envelop me.
Their leaves rustle softly when the heater kicks on.
Jars reminiscent of those in the spectacle shop Jaxson and I visited earlier line the shelves.
Each container holds various herbs, spices, medicinal ingredients, and psychedelic mushrooms.
The sight of the mushrooms triggers a memory from my apprenticeship at Hebe.
Jaxson and I came down here after researching the benefits of mushrooms.
That was shortly after Wilder left for Aurora.
I’d wanted to make a mushroom tea.
However, I inadvertently grabbed the wrong kind, and we spent the rest of the evening laughing uncontrollably while hallucinating on the couch, the world around us melting into a kaleidoscope of sounds and shapes.
Our drug-induced euphoria led to us skinny dipping in the canal.
Unfortunately, swimming in the canals is illegal due to boat traffic and water quality, and our excursion got called to the authorities.
Dad made us sleep off our high at the Blade Precinct.
I smile.
We’ve had some good times together.
I gather the necessary ingredients and add them to a stone mortar before grinding everything together with a pestle.
Jaxson hovers nearby, his presence both comforting and distracting when he picks up the jar of mushrooms, a coy smile on his face.
My chest flutters at his playful expression.
Meeting his gaze, I wiggle my eyebrows at him, a silent acknowledgment of the connection that seems to grow stronger with each passing moment.
“Remember—”
Juliette enters the apothecary.
“Are you two finished yet?”
My shoulders practically touch my ears, but I don’t turn around.
“I’m in the middle of creating a dressing, so no, I need five more minutes,” I snap.
Juliette scoffs.
Her heels snap behind me.
“We don’t want you here, Desiree. This is a big night for your mom. And you bring drama wherever you go. Or was it your intention to ruin my party?”
My hand clenches around the pestle.
“I didn’t ruin anything, and it’s my mom’s party, not yours.”
“That’s what I meant.”
I roll my eyes.
Sure it was.
Fucking egomaniac.
“Juliette, shouldn’t you be schmoozing upstairs? Your perfume is giving me an allergic reaction,” Jaxson says.
I soften, knowing he always has my back.
When we were in high school, he’d always jump headfirst into any fight if he stumbled upon kids bullying me.
It was one of the reasons I fell for him.
He was my knight in ripped jeans and a faded hoodie, always ready to defend me.
With a smile tugging at my lips, I return my focus to the pestle.
Juliette laughs.
“I should be, but I’m down here babysitting you.”
“Go away, Juliette,” I grouse.
“Make me, Desiree.”
I face her.
“Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”
Juliette’s grin is cruel.
“You annoy me so easily, Desiree. You may be a vampire now, but not much else has changed, has it? You still yearn for attention, desperately clinging to Jaxson’s side. He’s the only person who can stomach your presence for more than five minutes.” She takes a step closer, her eyes narrowing.
“This is why I’m here to clarify one thing and one thing only. The two of you don’t scare me. In the grand scheme of things, you are nothing.”
“You’re a bitch, Juliette,” Jaxson says, and I nod in agreement.
Juliette faces Jax.
“Oops. Did I strike a nerve? I get why you went for Desiree, Jaxson. She’s pretty and all that, but she’s also easy. And you never had much ambition, did you? Is that why you’re here tonight, rather than helping protect the city from all the political drama ?”
Jaxson’s jaw hardens.
“Walk away, Juliette.”
“I’m just getting started. I heard you turned down the opportunity to compete in Domna Trials in Glaucus. Was it because of Desiree?”
I gasp.
He didn’t tell me that.
Why didn’t he say anything?
Being Domna is a huge deal.
The fact he made such an impression that another commander in a different city chose him to compete is impressive.
Jax should at least consider it.
He’d have so many opportunities but also a lot more responsibility.
My throat thickens.
It’s making much more sense why he didn’t share the good news.
A nagging suspicion grows in the back of my mind.
Could I have influenced his decision to put his future on hold?
Perhaps he’s worried about leaving me behind or feels obligated to stay by my side.
Suddenly, another thought strikes me.
If Jax competed and won, he’d leave Borealis.
He’d be hundreds of miles away, starting a new life in a different city.
My heart sinks at the idea of being separated from him.
Jax glances sidelong at me before answering.
“Why do you care so much about what I do?”
“I don’t. I’m trying to make a point. You two cling to one another because you fear the unknown,” Juliette comments.
I shake my head.
“If that were true, why did I become a vampire?”
“Because no one alive likes you.”
“I like her,” Jaxson says, standing taller.
“You don’t count.”
“Why?”
Juliette’s little laugh is pure evil.
“Because you are her shield. You like her because it makes you feel important. Loving her gives you a purpose in a world where you are aimless. You are a Blade, but you aren’t Domna. You are her friend, but you aren’t her boyfriend. She chose to be a vampire, yet you pined for her when you thought she was dead because you were too afraid to let her go.”
“I love her,” Jaxson growls.
“That’s not love. That’s fear .”
I let out a breath and close my eyes.
She’s right.
Goddammit.
Juliette is fucking right.
I’m holding Jaxson back from finding true love and happiness.
His feelings for me are preventing him from meeting someone with whom he can spend the rest of his life.
Our relationship is built on mutual fear of rejection.
By pining for me, he never has to risk being rejected by someone he truly cares about.
The worst part is that I enabled this behavior.
Juliette may be a bitch, but I am equally at fault for allowing this dynamic to continue.
A stone settles in my gut.
“You’ve always been cruel, Juliette. Cruel and jealous.” My voice trembles with barely contained rage.
“All you crave is attention, and you turn into a brat the second someone takes it from you.”
Juliette laughs, harsh and mocking.
“I am not jealous.”
“What did I ever do to you?” I ask.
The words burn my throat on the way out.
I’ve pondered this for almost a decade.
Juliette groans.
“You always played the victim. It was annoying as hell, and it still is. No one wants to be around someone who tries as hard as you, Desiree. It’s embarrassing.”
“You turned everyone against me!” I screech.
“Because you wouldn’t leave me alone!”
“You went after my brother and now my mom. I think you can’t leave me alone.”
Juliette’s eyes widen.
The color drains from her face.
I’ve finally cracked her stony exterior.
She picks up a book and throws it at me.
I duck as it crashes through the glass window above my head.
Glass fragments rain, landing in my protection charm, rendering it useless.
A primal snarl tears from my lips and I lunge toward Juliette, my vision tinted red.
Jaxson steps in my way, grabbing my shoulders and holding me back from snapping Juliette’s head off.
“Don’t,” he says as I thrash against his hold.
“Don’t give her the satisfaction of stooping to her level.”
I snap my fangs at Juliette, who pales.
“She’s tormented me for years, and it’s time for me to teach her a fucking lesson.”
“I know, but not here, not now,” Jaxson grunts, struggling to hold me back.
My vampire strength proves a formidable match for him.
Mom barrels into the room along with several other healers.
Jaxson adds, “There are too many witnesses.”
“What is going on down here?” Mom asks.
A few guests glare at me from behind her.
Their gazes shift from a trembling Juliette to Jaxson with his hands still on me, to the broken window, to me.
The reality of the situation sinks in, and the red haze of fury slowly dissipates.
Is that what Juliette wants?
To make me look like the bad guy?
Juliette sobs, her shoulders shaking with exaggerated grief.
She buries her face into Mom’s shoulder, and Mom freezes before wrapping her arms protectively around my aggressor.
The gesture is a knife to my heart.
“She attacked me, Chiara,” Juliette cries.
Mom gasps.
I want to curl up in a ball and disappear from the disgust in her eyes.
She has never looked at me like this before.
Like I am a monster that doesn’t belong, a creature to be feared and reviled.
“You win, Juliette,” I finally say.
I run from the room.
Upstairs, I race for the front door and fling it open to be swallowed up by the night, to disappear into the darkness and never be seen again.
I am halfway up the street when I can barely see through my tears.
“Desiree, wait up!” Jax calls.
“Jaxson, please, leave me alone,” I say through sobs.
But he reaches me before I can argue further.
“You don’t mean that,” he says.
I can’t be with Jax, no matter how much it hurts to think that.
We’re fundamentally different, like opposite seasons—he’s the embodiment of summer, full of warmth and life, while I’m the harsh reality of winter, cold and empty inside.
As strong as it may be, our love is a crutch, preventing us from growing and achieving our true potential.
As a vampire, I’ll never be able to give Jax the life he deserves.
He deserves a partner who can walk alongside him, pushing his dreams and aspirations.
Someone who yearns to see him succeed with a loving family and children to cherish.
This knowledge shatters my heart into a million pieces, but I know I can’t be that person for him.
My sole purpose is to return to the Nest.
It’s time for Jax to see the truth.
I’m not the girl for him.
Letting him go is the hardest thing I’ll ever do, but it’s the only way to set him free and find the happiness he deserves.
He would never do the same for me.
That much is clear, or he would be in Glaucus right now.
“You’re such a hypocrite,” I say.
Jax’s eyes widen.
“How?”
“You always solve your problems with your fists, yet now that I have the strength to fight my battles, you won’t let me. Why? Too scared I won’t need you?” I know I’m taking out my anger at Juliette on him, but I can’t stop.
I’m shaking like a leaf from head to toe.
“Maybe when we were kids,” he says, “but things are different now. We can’t go around hurting people because we feel like it. That’s not who we are.”
I shake my head.
Nothing has changed since we were kids.
We are older, that’s it.
We are still clinging to each other because there’s no one else.
“You don’t know me,” I say, turning on my heel to leave.
“So, it’s like that?” Jax shouts.
I spin to face him, my hands on my hips.
“Like what?”
“Is it that easy for you to walk away from me?” His words punch me in the gut.
“I said I love you, Desiree. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
I shrug, even though my heart sinks.
Of course it does.
“You had it right when you dumped me. We are not meant to be together. I’m not good enough for you.”
“Stop saying things like that.”
“You need to let me go. Move on with your life!” I say, and he flinches.
“You have your future at your fingertips. We couldn’t be more wrong for each other if we tried. I’m a vampire .”
Jaxson’s eyes search mine.
“So? There are ways around that.”
I scowl.
“If you mean the cure , then?—”
“Your mom is brilliant, Desiree. If there’s a cure, she’ll find it.” I scoff.
If he only fucking knew.
“You can be a witch again. We can be together, really together. Wilder doesn’t care, and I was a fool for letting you go. All I want is another chance,” he says, cupping my cheek.
I lean into his touch, savoring the feel of his skin against mine.
Then I push him away, my heart breaking with the action.
“What if I don’t know what I want?”
“There’s someone else,” he says, accusingly.
“Is it Vane? He’s your sire, but I saw the anguish in your eyes when you talked about him. Do you love him?”
Jaxson deserves better than me.
He just needs a push before he sees it.
“Yes.”
Jax recoils as if struck.
“Are you lying?”
“I’m not! And I will never take the cure and ride off into the fucking sunset with you.” My entire body trembles.
“Forget me. Forget you love me. I am not worth it.”
The silence stretches between us, heavy and suffocating.
“You’re angry at Juliette. This isn’t you.” I shake my head, but he adds, “I’ll give you some time to cool off before we raise the daemon.”
“I can do it alone,” I snap after him.
“We are in this together,” Jaxson replies without turning around.
“I’ll see you in a few hours. I expect an apology.”
I stare after him long after he disappears, my feet rooted in place.
If I chased after him, he might push me away for all the harsh things I said.
I’m already alone; I don’t need his rejection.
A bird can only stay in the nest for so long before learning to fly, and I want Jaxson to soar, even if it means leaving me behind.