Chapter 20
twenty
I had a few days to rest and recover from the kayak lessons and my dinner date with Tripp, but it wasn’t nearly enough. There was still the day-to-day business of Savie to tend to and incessant thoughts of him to keep me nice and distracted.
By Friday, everything inside of me was a tangled mess. I was in trouble, and I knew it.
It wasn’t like I’d never had feelings for anyone before. I have, but I never had feelings too strong to ignore. I could usually go on a few dates, make out, or whatever, and then move on. Once I got the kissing and physical attraction out of my system, it was easy to kiss and forget.
I’d never had anyone completely invade my thoughts and heart the way Tripp had. He was all I could think about. I couldn’t even get away from him in my sleep. Every dream was filled with him.
Ava could tell I was distracted, but she wisely didn’t say anything. She let me walk around in a fog and made sure I didn’t completely lose myself. I doubt she had any idea how far gone I already was. I’d managed to keep my date night with Tripp a secret for the past day and a half, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold it in much longer. She needed to know. We went through our usual end-of-the-month budgeting meeting. Thanks to Take the Leap, we’d been able to end in the black for the third month in a row, which made the risk of entering a relationship with Tripp even higher.
Thankfully, we’d had a few new leads on clients because of our work with Take the Leap. Their social media team had graciously tagged our business page in every social post and gave us shout-outs whenever new content went live. There should’ve been more than enough work to keep me preoccupied. But anytime there was a lull, or I let my mind wander, my thoughts drifted back to him. If I dared to close my eyes longer than a blink, images of his face inches from mine in the pool flooded my senses. I could still feel his arms around me.
I stared at the request for proposal in front of me and read the introduction sentence for the hundredth time. Of the five new client leads, Ava volunteered to tackle three, and I took the last two. The first one I reviewed wasn’t a good fit for us, so I passed on their request for a proposal and recommended a few other agencies in Nashville that were better suited for their industry. The last one was from a woman-owned coffee shop that was looking to expand into franchising. I was excited and intrigued by the prospect of being the marketing agency that could help launch them into the next phase. They already had a solid hold on the market in their neighborhood, and their projections for growth were promising.
I found myself wondering if Tripp had ever tried their coffee or if I could introduce it to him. It seemed no matter what I did, every thought circled back to him.
I slammed my laptop shut and pushed my chair back. Letting out a frustrated groan, I dropped my head on the desk.
“Are you ready to talk about it?” Ava called from her office.
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” I kept my head buried in my arms, and the desk muffled my words. Ava padded into my office, and the door frame creaked when she leaned against it. “What is wrong with me?”
“Like right now or in general?” I know she was trying to make a joke, but it fell flat. I didn’t laugh or lift my head. I wasn’t in the mood to play along. “I have two guesses.”
“Go for it.”
“My first guess is the thought of jumping out of a plane in a few months is stressing you out.”
“Ugh. Don’t remind me. But no.” Skydiving was the furthest thing from my mind at the moment.
“Okay,” she said, hesitating, “don’t get mad, please. But I think you might be experiencing something more than a crush on Tripp.”
My silence was all the answer she needed. Just hearing his name made my heart flip-flop.Plus, I hadn’t told Ava about our dinner date or the couch cuddles. I peeled my head off of the desk. “Um, about that.”
Ava’s eyebrows shot up. I had her full attention now. “What?”
“You know how you slept over at Heath’s on Thursday after our last Kayak practice?” She nodded and eyed me suspiciously. “Well, Tripp and I kind of sort of had a date.”
“You what?”
“I went over to his house, met his cats, and he cooked me dinner. We might have cuddled a bit.”
“Ohhh! A cuddle? The scandal!” She slapped her hand over her mouth in mock horror.
“Technically, we’ve cuddled twice now,” I admitted sheepishly. “And I wish it had been more than that.”
“Sadie! Who are you? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” She shook her head and giggled. “But tell me everything. I want all the details.”
I groaned. I was supposed to be the one grilling her about her night with Heath. She was the one with the exciting dating life and line of suitors. I was the one who stayed home and got lost in romance novels and kept my escapades securely locked in daydream mode. It was odd to be on the other side of things. So, I gave her the highlights of our night.
“So, nothing too scandalous, right?”
“Have you ever done anything even remotely scandalous in your entire life?”
I considered the question and said, “Remember that time in fourth grade when I stole the scented markers from Mrs. East?”
“The ones you brought home and were too scared to use or sniff and brought back the next day?”
I grinned at the memory. I’d been so scared of getting caught and then expelled. “I was a common thief for twenty-four whole hours.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t count,” Ava said, laughing. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about feelings and all the mushy things, but I’m here.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to talk. It’s that I don’t know what to say. I don’t understand why this is happening.”
“He’s a decent guy. He’s gentle, patient, and smart. And he’s not exactly a troll.”
I nodded. “He makes me feel safe even when I’m not even remotely close to being safe. He takes me seriously. I don’t ever feel like he’s mocking me. And did you see him when he took his shirt off?” An image of his bare chest and abs flashed in my mind.
“I did. I see all of those other things, too. The way he looks at you and hovers nearby when you’re about to try something new—if you could see what I see, you wouldn’t be questioning any of this.”
“He’s a client, Ava, and I’m too messy. You know me … I don’t do relationships. I don’t do any of this. This is all wrong.”
“What if it’s not? What if he’s everything you need? What if this is your chance to be happy?”
Her words slammed into me like a punch to the gut. I couldn’t have blinked away the tears if I wanted to. Every one of those questions came with an answer loaded with trauma and a lifetime of disappointment. If things ended badly, I’d lose more than Tripp. Take the Leap was now crucial to our business and bottom line. We spent nearly every hour working on their account between the challenges, content creation, general marketing, and publicity. Even with the new client leads, we wouldn’t be able to replace what we’d lose if they jumped ship.
“Can you look at me?” Ava asked softly. I rolled my head from side to side. No. I knew if I looked up, she’d see my red-rimmed, tear-stained eyes. Then she’d give me the look that would break me completely. Pity. “Sadie?”
Silence filled the space between us. She waited patiently for me to respond. I hated the way being emotionally vulnerable made me want to retreat into hibernation. Constantly being at war with yourself is exhausting. I didn’t want to keep fighting, but I didn’t know how not to. I’d been fighting for as long as I can remember. Like fear, it’s second nature. I don’t have to say what I’m thinking. My best friend read my face like a book.
“No, don’t go there, Sadie. You are worth everything. You’re worthy of love and deserve someone who truly sees and knows you. I don’t care what your past says. People don’t always leave, and if they do, it’s not because of you. I know you, Sadie. I know you. I’ve been on the other end of your friendship and love for more than half my life. You are a kind, supportive, and loving friend. You're an amazing person when you finally let your walls down and bring people into your bubble. No one deserves someone like Tripp more than you.”
Her words washed over me like a weighted blanket. I don’t bother fighting the tears as they welled and finally released down my cheeks. She was at my side before the second tear fell. She leaned over me and wrapped her arms around me.
“I can’t do this.” The words came out broken. I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm the swell of desperation flooding through me. “I don’t know how.”
“The same way you’ve tackled every one of these challenges. You take it one step and one breath at a time. You let him in little by little. You stop hiding behind your fears and lean into the things that make you happy.”
“And if he runs for the hills as soon as he sees just how much of a disaster I am?”
“You’re not a disaster. You’re a human being who’s experienced far too much loss and heartbreak,” she said reassuringly. “Besides, I don’t think he’s going anywhere.”
“I hope you’re right,” I said. I wanted to list out the thousand other what ifs that have been racing through my thoughts for the last few days, but I don’t. Ava already knows, and verbalizing them will only give more power to my fears.
For the first time in my life, I told my inner scaredy cat to shut up and focused on what Ava was saying. If she was wrong, I could handle it. I was used to being heartbroken and disappointed. But if she wasn’t wrong? The possibility of getting my own happy ending sparked something hopeful inside me, and I wanted to cling to it like a life jacket.