Chapter 33
DENALI
MIXED MESSAGES
The following week was full of holding hands, and hugs, and spending time together. Returning to it was like diving into bed after spending too long in the freezing cold. We were stepping into something new.
With no sex. No kissing.
Zariah tried to kiss me a couple of times and I made excuses, pretending like I wasn’t brushing her off.
There was a timeline in place. If I could hold out until the beginning of winter break, it’d be fine.
Everybody would separate for the holidays, then the distance would be an easy answer for why we hadn't gone there yet.
I was embarrassed. I didn’t know how to explain why I couldn’t kiss her, and I didn’t know how to broach the topic.
An unexpected cold front blew in as Zariah, Elijah, and I headed to the Colo.
Elijah shivered, arms inside his hoodie. “It’s too fucking cold to forget your bag, Denali.”
I shrugged, Zariah’s hand in mine. “My flight’s in five hours, I can’t leave my stuff behind.”
“I can’t believe the team didn’t want to do a group dinner,” Zariah grumbled. “Everybody’s leaving—we’re the only ones staying in Houston!”
I produced the keys for the Colo. “It’s weird we won’t be celebrating your birthdays.”
“We’re Christmas Eve babies,” Zariah said. “Nobody celebrates, it’s too close to the holidays.”
“First year we’ll be drinking for Christmas.” Elijah grinned.
“You always drink for Christmas,” Zariah retorted. “Mom just pretends not to see because you’re her baby boy.”
“Shut up.”
Inside was bathed in darkness, only illuminated by the occasional neon exit signs. I directed them to our largest meeting room, the one that used to be uninhabitable from the black mold. “The team and I thought you two needed a real birthday this year,” I threw over my shoulder.
Elijah paused. “What?”
Lights flickered overhead to reveal the meeting room, full of the Gladiators, balloons, and a chocolate birthday cake shaped like the Gladiators logo, courtesy of June.
“Surprise!” everyone shouted.
The twins stared, stunned at the masses with their phones out, recording for the birthday party.
Zariah slapped a hand over her mouth, shocked. “How did you hide this?! I’m in your group chats!”
Elijah was wide-eyed, silent.
The place was washed in Gladiator purple with music blaring louder than the dorms allowed. It was the last day before most of us left for break, there was a nostalgic touch to the party. For the first time, I didn’t want to go home for Christmas. I wished I could’ve stayed on campus.
Cleo brought out a lighter for the twenty-one candles, and everyone crowded around the table, singing an off-key version of Happy Birthday. Someone had given Zariah a cocktail and she hummed with contentment, grinning wide, as Elijah gave a long look to the crowd around us.
“What are the birthday wishes?” Cleo asked.
Elijah didn’t answer but Zariah’s eyes slid to mine, sparkling. “He’s a secret.” She took a quick drink from her cocktail. “Sorry—it’s a secret!”
The laughter was easy as the cake was cut. Before the slices were passed out, we shared some goodbyes. Cleo’s husband, Miles, dropped by to pick her up for their flight to Nevada, Bear and June were flying to Canada, and Fridge was visiting Tallulah’s family in Oklahoma.
It felt like there was a revolving door of people, everyone checking off last-minute hugs before leaving.
With my flight in a couple of hours, my time was limited, too. I touched Zariah’s waist, nodding towards the door. “Can I talk to you?”
Zariah was on her second drink, smiling at me over the glass. “Mm-hmm.”
The surprise birthday party was for both of them, but this part was just for her.
The door closed behind us, cutting off the loud sounds of the party.
We walked in silence to the lounge. Everything was prepared.
A bouquet of flowers sat on the table with a plate of choclava, decorated with a single candle.
Besides that was a small box with a bow.
“Aw, Denali,” she murmured.
“Happy birthday.” I offered her the present.
“I don’t think we’re at the actual gift-giving stage yet.
It’s nothing major.” I let her open the box before pointing out the contents.
“It’s a roll of a hundred stamps and custom address stickers.
These ones are my parent’s house in Michigan and these ones are the hotels for the rest of the hockey games.
Even when we’re apart, I still want to talk to you. ”
She was silent, running her finger along the stamps.
“There’s another gift I want to give,” I said slowly, “but it’s kind of big and I don’t think we’re there yet.”
“Can you sit down?” she asked, motioning to the couch. “Please?”
I nodded and took a seat, watching her. She was so beautiful in her ripped jeans, her golden skin shining through. My Gladiators hoodie hung loose on her ass. She moved to the couch, straddling me.
Oh, fuck.
I straightened up. “Zariah—”
“This is the sweetest gift I’ve ever received,” she murmured. “Did you say the next gift’s ‘kind of’ big?" A smirk curved her lips. "I’d say it’s big. Look at the statistics, anyone would say it’s big.”
Fuck, my cock swelled against the zipper of my jeans as Zariah peeled off her hoodie. The cut of her shirt took my attention; there was a clear dip where I could see the swell of her breasts. My eyes dropped to them. I couldn’t look away.
“You’re so kind,” she teased, breathless. “You’re staring at my tits for so long, you’ll make me think I have some.”
My heart pounded. “You have tits.”
“Do you need your glasses?”
“I know you have tits because I’ve put my mouth on them.” Goddamn, the erection was painful. I wanted her so fucking—I shook my head, struggling to stay calm. “We should go back to the party.”
Her laugh was low. “We should fuck, actually.”
“Everyone wants to say goodbye—”
“You’d rather chitchat with your teammates than have sex?” Her shoulders lowered. “I’m getting mixed messages, Denali.”
“You’re not,” I said quickly. “I mean, I—”
“Why aren’t we having sex?”
“I…I can’t.”
“What is it? Erectile dysfunction? Let’s go to the gas station. We’ll pick up pink pills, and I’ll ride you until they wear off.”
Jesus. My cock ached, desperate to prove ED was the farthest thing from my personal issue. The real one was a lot more embarrassing.
Gently, I took her hands in mine, taking slow, deep breaths to control myself. “I can’t kiss you and say goodbye.”
“I don’t understand?”
“We have winter break.”
“Mm-hmm…three weeks?”
“My brain doesn’t get that,” I said, the words sticking to the roof of my mouth. “What we have now, this painful, drawn-out tension where I can’t touch you—I’m used to it. I can live with it.”
Zariah’s eyes were soft. “Denali…”
“I didn’t pull a one-eighty from five years ago.
I’m still him. I’m still a possessive person.
What’s changed is that I know it’s wrong now, and I need to control those impulses.
” I dropped my forehead to her chest, letting the smell of her coconut lotion wash over me.
“If you and I had sex, I’d cancel my flight.
Even if I somehow made it to Michigan, I’d take the next flight back to Houston.
I’d go on a pilgrimage to find you, and I can’t do that again.
You don’t understand. I’d kidnap you for the holidays. They couldn’t keep you away from me.”
I waited with bated breath through Zariah’s silence. This was too far but I needed her to understand why I was so careful to temporarily keep my distance.
Surprise rippled through me when Zariah kissed my forehead. “I’ve changed too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, now that sounds really fucking hot.”
I focused on regulating my breathing. “In theory.”
“No, you’re not the only one who’s different. When I was a kid, there were things I needed and things I had to say no to. Now? Ignoring responsibilities and locking the door to fuck nonstop sounds like a dream.”
Fuck. I could feel precum pooling at the head of my cock. I closed my eyes. “I’m thinking long term. Nobody’ll believe you being with me is okay for either of us. I have to convince your family, my family, and Elijah that I’m going to do it right this time.”
“I don’t give a fuck what they think. I know I want you. I only want you.”
My heart squeezed but I ignored it. “I can’t afford to mess this up. I won’t get another chance.”
We were at an impasse and I couldn’t budge. It was the right thing to do, even if it fucking sucked.
Zariah exhaled, wrapping herself around me again, holding me close. “Okay, okay. I concede. You’ve always been intense, I don’t know why I’m surprised.”
“If I wasn’t so into you, I swear I could relax more.”
“It’s sweet,” she murmured.
I sighed. “If you knew how much I want you…”
Zariah threaded her fingers through my hair. “What about something less intimate than kissing?”
“Less intimate?” I echoed.
“You said the problem was the emotional aspect, right?”
“Uh, yeah…?”
“What if I could think of something less romantic, more animalistic? Just to say goodbye? To show what you mean to me?”
I had to say no. I had to. But animalistic was the correct term for this. There was no more blood left in my brain. The ability to make decisions ended with her suggestion.
What was the other option?
I should’ve asked, but the silence was only broken by my unsteady breathing.
Her fingers trailed up my neck. “Lean back.”
My body responded immediately. Emerging from the warmth of her chest, I found her eyes on me, waiting for my questions, waiting for me to ask where this was going and to put up those barriers.
Except whatever the other option was, I craved it.
I rested the back of my head along the couch and Zariah hovered over me.
“Open your mouth,” she whispered.
I opened my mouth.
Her lips parted, a dark pink, her bottom lip slightly bigger than her top one, her cupid bow a deeper indent than it used to be. It took me too long to realize what she was doing. Spit dripped between her lips, drops landing on my tongue like the first taste of water after years of thirst.
My cock leaped, my body throbbing with need, as Zariah drooled into my mouth. I inched up and forced myself to stop. I had to push down every instinct to crush my lips against hers. The patience was agony but every drop into my mouth was a reward I couldn’t pass up.
“Oh my god, what am I doing?” she realized, pulling away. “I’m sorry, I’m tipsy—”
I grabbed the back of her neck, fastening my fingers around her throat. Zariah froze.
“I didn’t tell you to stop,” I rasped.
The sudden worry on her face was replaced with a dreamlike wonder. Her eyelashes fluttered. She tilted her head, resting her cheek on my hand, to touch me even more, and I stroked the back of her neck. A shiver of pleasure overtook her. “Denali…”
“What is it, Riah?”
“I—I love your voice so much.”
I brought her closer to me. “I love how you taste.”
“Fuck.” Zariah panted. “I missed you.”
“I missed you even more. Now, keep going,” I commanded. “Spit in my mouth again.”
Ten minutes later, we emerged, and my teammates had fun creating elaborate scenarios for why we snuck off together. Nobody listened to what I said, especially with how Zariah looked. She was glowing and a smirk played on her lips.
“Fucking gross,” Elijah complained. “The least you can do is be more subtle about it.”
“We didn’t have sex,” I argued.
His eyebrows furrowed. He believed me, but his gaze darted between me and Zariah. “Even grosser. I don’t want to know what freaky shit you were up to.”
I grabbed beers for both of us then took the seat next to him on the couch. “Yeah, you don’t want to know.”
“Denali?”
“Yeah?”
“Why’d you throw the party?”
“It wasn’t only me. Cleo and June did the decorating.”
“No, I mean…” He shifted, uncomfortable. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, man.”
We sat in silence, drinking beer, and Elijah folded his hands together. “It was nice seeing everybody.”
“You know…you don’t have to not see people. I think if you, like, made an effort to get back in the team, you’d be surprised how far that’d get.”
“I never meant to hurt King.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“His girlfriend’s my best friend—was my best friend,” Elijah corrected himself.
“I thought he was going to legitimately hurt her.” Elijah took another swig of beer.
“I caught up with her at the training center the other day. I tried to say sorry for real and she told me she didn’t care if she never saw me again. ”
My eyes drifted to Zariah, in the middle of talking with my teammates, smacking someone with the bouquet I bought her. I lowered my voice. “You can’t do anything but apologize, Elijah. If they want to accept the apology, that’s up to them. You can’t force someone to forgive you.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I know.”
“You can’t, but…you can choose to be better. It’s a choice you have to make. To be better and do better.”
Elijah cleared his throat. “I’m happy for you. And Zariah. I’m glad you two finally got over that weird patch together.” He chucked his empty beer in the garbage. “That’s enough sentimental shit for tonight.”
We stayed for another hour for board games, but the twins were drooping, and I had to get to the airport. I grabbed their stuff from around the room and stalled by the photos plastered on the walls.
Montoya had them professionally printed out. They were nice. Part of them were from our summer together, the others from our unbelievable hockey season.
I motioned him over. “It looks fantastic, Montoya.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It looks great.”
“Did you figure out if you wanted to add more pictures? I can still see if I—”
“Not now,” I stopped him. “I don’t want Zariah to hear.”
“Hear what?” Zariah purred from behind me, and I froze for a beat too long. Of course she was listening. The space was too confined. When I glanced back, she beamed. “Whatever am I not supposed to be hearing?”
I wrapped an arm around her waist, taking her away. “I think it’s time to put you to bed.”
“You were talking with Montoya.”
“Yep.”
“What were you two talking about?”
“He’s…helping me with a project.”
“What kind of project?”
Collecting their presents from the table, I threw her a grin. I wouldn’t budge but I was still pleased at how interested she was. “You’re so pretty.”
“Are you trying to distract me?”
“Yeah. Is it working?”
“No. Mm. Maybe. Tell me I’m pretty again.”
I took her by the hand, nudging Elijah out the door. “You’re fucking gorgeous, Riah.”